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Category: Grief

  • Another Turn on My Grief Spiral

    I had one of those moments this week. I was in the car on the way to an exercise class and I heard a song that reminded me of Leah. It took me back, body and soul, to the feeling of the finality of missing her physical being. I felt like I was going to cry like I haven’t for a long time. I wanted the feelings to stop; I didn’t want to miss her. I thought,

    “Haven’t I already missed her enough?”

    I was reminded of a few conversations I’ve had recently about why some people don’t want to talk about grief, whether it’s theirs or another’s. This topic of conversation has come up so often recently that we decided to make it the topic of our September MeetUp group.

    Let’s go back to how I was feeling in the car and how I met the grief this time. The feeling was so real in my body that losing Leah truly felt like it had just happened. I contemplated turning around and going home because the floodgates of my tears were just about to burst and I didn’t think I would be able to stop them once they started.

    I paused and tuned into my body to really feel the discomfort, and I knew the exercise class would be the perfect way to move this round of grief through my body.

    I pulled my car into the parking lot and sat still for a moment; tuning into my heart and feeling the deep longing of missing my daughter with every cell of my body. This grief created a different sensation in my body then I’ve felt before. It was as if the memory of that time, almost 16 years ago, came forward and combined with the finality of her death. I decided to enter the exercise class with an intention to surrender my pain.

    When I got home, as I was reflecting on my experience, I was once again struck by how the present moment really does hold whatever we need. When I was able to tune into my body in the moment I was feeling that particular round of grief, I was able to access the knowledge that moving through the grief with exercise was the right thing for me to do that time. Movement may not be the appropriate path to move my grief the next time, or even the time after that. This is an example of present moment awareness; being in the moment.

    That’s the thing about present moment awareness; the answer you receive in the moment may not be the answer you thought you’d receive.

    We often think about what the right way to meet a certain experience might be, whether it is grief related or not. These decision are based upon similar past experiences. Our heads can over analyze our options leading to confusion, to frustration, and to us wondering if we are choosing the “right” solution to our issue.

    When we choose to bring our questions to our hearts without expectation of what the answer will be, rather than thinking about the “right” answer, we are often surprised. I know I am. These surprising answers crack open the door of possibilities within us. If I hadn’t listened to what my heart was telling me this time, I would have missed out on the experience of feeling the grief move through my body in that exercise class. (And I wouldn’t have written this particular blog.)

    So, next time you are tussling with a problem, big or little, try this instead of waging a battle with your thoughts.

    • Get quiet, breathe deeply and close your eyes. Bring your problem or issue to your heart allowing it to be there as it is in that moment. Take another deep breath.
    • Ask the question, “What do I need to know about this problem right now?” Drop this question into your heart. If you’re not sure you are doing this correctly, you can either trust that you are, or read a little more about Samyama here.
    • Allow the question to rest in your heart without expectation of getting an answer. Sometimes you will know what is right for you soon after asking your question and sometimes it may take a little while. Continue sitting with your question.
    • Trust that you will know the answer when it comes. The more we do this practice, the more confident we will become about knowing what the right answer for us feels like in our bodies.

  • Progress on My Book

    The last few months have seen me spending an abundance of time on my book.

    Late last year, as I was reflecting on 2015 and looking forward to this year, the top goal on my list was to publish my book. To go from forthcoming author to published author. I knew, in order to do that, I would have to provide myself with enough structure or I would find myself at the end of 2016 making the same goal for 2017. Early this year I set the intention to have the first draft of my book to my editor by the end of March. At the time it seemed like a long time away, yet here it is the last week of March. Each week I scheduled writing time in my calendar so now I find myself ready to send off my draft. I found writing for my book has been a different experience than any other kind of writing I have been doing; writing for my newsletter, blogging or marketing. It often took precedence over all my other writing due to my deadline. It feels wonderful to not only meet my goal but to be a little closer to actually publishing the book.

    As I get ready to send off my precious document, I am feeling vulnerable and exposed.

    Not only because someone will be reading it and commenting on it, but because it will eventually be out in the world. Anyone who reads it will know my story. I wonder if it will open me to ridicule and criticism; or if people will find it helpful. My experience while writing was much like most of my writing experiences; the writing itself feels like it comes through me, like I am merely the mechanism for capturing the words.

    Writing was a necessity because a force outside myself was compelling words to paper.

    I originally intended to write an eBook. When I shared this with my writing coach last summer, he told me my words needed to be in a physical book. A book that could be held in one’s hand or be given to someone in need. Thinking about making a physical manifestation of my work made me take a big gulp before diving back in to do the revisions necessary for a real book. Each time I read the chapters it becomes clearer to me that this is the right path for this book; a physical representation of my journey through the initiation of Leah’s death. An eBook would have been safer, more elusive; an actual book cannot be denied much like the pain of losing my daughter cannot be denied.

    Writing my story took me back to the days of my early grief, of my feelings after her accident, of the hospital and of the days following her death. I was glimpsing them from afar and at the same time reliving them. The tears came as I was transported back to the events that have had the power to completely transform my life. Remembering my path has made me better able to understand my client’s journeys.

    Writing my story has clarified my work.

    It has brought me to a place of deep gratitude for this work, for myself and for others. It has redefined my work, not only for those grieving the loss of a loved one, but for the grief that arises from loss of a relationship, job, health, or any time life turns out differently than you thought it would. I often wish there was another word other than grief to talk about what I do. People often do not want to talk about it and turn away from it until the grief becomes too big to deny. At those times, it can be so big that it is overwhelming and messier to untangle than if the feelings were met when they first came up. I have become comfortable talking about grief and being with the uncomfortable feelings that make up grief, both my own and my clients. I humbly recognize and accept this as one of my greatest gifts. I could have only come to this point by walking through this path myself.

    When I talk about what’s possible with both my transformation and my grief clients it becomes clear to me that both groups can lack inspiration or feel trapped in a life that no longer makes sense. Maybe someone who is looking for a way to transform their life has underlying unresolved grief issues. As I look at the broader reach of my work I realize that everybody enters this work at their own entry point; the place that they arrive at when they are no longer willing to settle for a life that does not make sense, when they are ready to find out what their true purpose in life is, or when limiting stories have kept them stuck in a life that does not serve their highest vision.

    As with every other part of my journey, writing this book at this time is important for what is coming next. My work in the world has been enriched by this experience and it will continue to be so as I bring my book into the world and allow others a more thorough glimpse into my journey.

  • Grieving Bravely

    Today, while sipping my coffee, I read some postings on the Grief Toolbox. There was sharing, sadness, and resolve. Regarding one particular entry, I wrote:

    “Grief shows up uniquely for everyone.

    Just reading the posts, you see a wide variety of feelings. There was anger, sadness, and compassion. But the poem I read spoke of wanting to shield the world from pain and to go on an inward journey.”

    What made this piece such a powerful statement for me was that healing can occur while grieving. Each grieving person who speaks their truth, whether it is from their pain or from their sense of healing, presents us with a gift. While suffering and pain is real during grief, when we speak from our heart an act of bravery is performed.

    To write of bravery recalls all the fictional constructs of physical muscle, stoic fortitude, and personal strength that allow nothing to deter you from your goal. But, in reflection of the many stories of the loss of a loved one, an image of a deeper kind of bravery has emerged.

    Grief involves broken heartedness.

    A painful condition when you realize that your life has been changed. What you thought was your path is shaken and you are left to wander. You stumble on in a wilderness of the unfamiliar. You do not know where you are and things seem hopeless. When you are lost you may not realize that you have choices. But the choice is to stay lost and stuck in your current funk or to find your compass and move.

    I read the personal stories that are posted on line. Some people have overcome and are aware that foundational changes have happened in their lives. Some wish that things could go back or be different. Some lament that they will never again know what they will do. The sadness and pain that flows from their words emanates from the pages.

    During grief, your pain is potent and paralyzing.

    People may spend a long time in their pain. Once you have reached the point where you have emptied yourself of that sorrow the bravery enters.

    This bravery is drawn from within; when you feel like you have nothing left moving forward takes courage.

    To meet the darkness of your feelings takes a brave heart. To know that you make a decision not to forget your loved one but to carry their memory takes strength.

    A moment of decision occurs when you take up the hand you were dealt or, as my mother would say, “to bear your cross”. In that decision, your grief can be transforming. It is not about missing your loved one, but of finding a way within yourself to love them in a different way. It is allowing yourself the permission to conclude the former relationship and dream a new way to carry those feelings that allows your heart to heal. You can then enter the new phase of your relationship in a way that honors their memory and builds a positive place for you to live.

    Grieve bravely for yourself and for the lost ones who you remember and love.

  • Feeling All of Your Feelings

    I have been thinking a lot about feelings lately. Social media inundates everyone with demands to think positively, to be happy, and to not wallow in negative feelings.

    The double dose of holiday cheer, followed by New Year’s resolutions to think positively, can make you wonder what is wrong with you and you can feel like a failure for not living up to societal expectations.

    Dealing with a loss, whether the loss of a loved one or adjusting to the repercussions of a life-changing event, can put more pressure on you and compound the feelings of failure.

    While I like to feel happy as much as the next person, I know that it impossible for me to feel true happiness and joy without feeling sadness and pain too. When we try to be happy without feeling the full emotional spectrum happiness can feel forced and untrue maybe even making us feel like a fraud. This confliction can further the sense of failure since the world places a high stake on happiness and feeling good.

    Why do we shy away from feelings that are labeled as negative? Feelings are neither “good” nor “bad”.

    All feelings just want to be met.

    Negative emotions that get a bad rap may feel bigger and more overwhelming than the so called good feelings. Let’s face it, when we feel sad or in pain we often do not know what to do, we do not know how to feel these feelings. In a world that values feeling good and shiny happy people, we are not taught how to be with uncomfortable feelings let alone embracing them and allowing them to be felt completely.

    Michael Brown, author of The Presence Process says, “It’s not about feeling better, it’s about getting better at feeling.” I love this quote. He is telling us that the way to authentic happiness is by feeling all our emotions; “good” or “bad”. I learned this for myself through my own grief journey.

    I did not expect this to happen. So, how did I learn it? Simply by allowing myself to feel whatever I was feeling. Intolerable feelings are not limited to those grieving a loss. We all avoid uncomfortable feelings.

    These unbearable feelings often feel too big for us to face; they feel overwhelming. But all feelings want to be met and seen. You will find that when you allow yourself to feel a difficult feeling in your heart its immensity it will shift and begin to calm down. It needed to be bigger than it is so it could get your attention. When you meet your feelings in your heart, you begin to feel safe. The safer you feel, the longer you will be able to engage your feeling.

    The practice of Samyama is one way to begin to bring your feelings to your heart.

    Samyama offers a safe place for all your feelings to be held. In your heart you are able to let your feelings out one at a time so they will not gang up on you and make you feel consumed by grief or devastation. You begin to trust your heart, the process, and your feelings. You relax. Relaxation allows you open the door to your heart even wider and begin to feel amazement, wonder, gratitude, peace, and yes, even happiness.

  • Holidays Can Be Difficult

    Before Dan and I knew it, we found ourselves smack in the middle of another holiday season. This year we spent Thanksgiving at the outer banks with friends. It was our first visit there and like most holidays we are always ready to spend it in a way that does not resemble holidays of the past. We visited the beach, Currituck Lighthouse, Bode Lighthouse and the Kitty Hawk monument. We also laughed and ate with friends, old and new.

    I had one moment of intense longing, longing for a moment that can never exist, one with our family,

    the four of us around that table sharing a Thanksgiving meal. The last time that took place was 16 years ago. In that moment, tears sprang to my eyes and I allowed the sadness to fill my heart, and held it there while I breathed and remembered. The moment passed, and I returned to this year’s gathering.

    Holidays are difficult for many people.

    Sometimes it is because we are missing a loved one and we are remembering Thanksgivings or Christmases of the past. Sometimes it is because our holiday celebrations did not measure up to our expectations, or they somehow fell short of our desires. We may go through the holidays in a haze of depression, closing ourselves off from what may seem like false cheer that permeates every where we go, from the mall to our place of employment.

    How can we create an atmosphere that is comfortable for us?

    Possibly even one in which we want to participate?

    One way to do this is to ask ourselves some questions: How do we want to celebrate?
    What traditions do we want to keep from our past? What are we ready to let go of?

    What new activities or traditions will fill our soul today?

    As you ask yourself these questions, allow yourself to feel into them. Perhaps you can write about them. Let your imagination go, and write from your heart.

    Ask your inner child what she, or he wants, give them an experience they did not have as a child.

    Be kind to yourself, you do not have to participate in any activities that do not feel authentic, makes you uncomfortable, or are too painful.

    Find an activity that makes you feel inspired, nurtured or playful.

    You may still find that your holidays contain difficult moments and memories. When you are caring for yourself in a way that makes you feel inspired and nourished you will have

    a greater capacity to be with your difficult and uncomfortable feelings. You will move through them in a new way. You may even gain insights into your past that will help you to create an even better experience for yourself in the present.

    As we begin to forge new traditions and create new memories that are in alignment with our authentic selves we begin to relax and enjoy the moments of our days that create our life. We begin to live the lives we are meant to live.

  • Continuing to Change the Conversation Around Grief

    Early grief is a difficult topic that also requires a change in conversation. The difficulty encountered during this emotional time just occurs immediately after a loss. The feeling associated with early grief can be overwhelmingly challenging. Learned responses based on our own faulty observations do not provide sufficient skill to prepare us for large life loss.

    When children face the loss of a parent, grandparent or sibling, a parent or any adult having skills at the ready to meet a child’s fear and emotions can make a difference in their recovery. Most children do not have the verbal skills necessary to express their emotional upheaval. They rely on their parent to provide assistance in this trying time. If the parent is not prepared and is grieving themselves, the child’s recovery may take much longer and be more difficult.

    The National Alliance for Grieving Children (NAGC.org) is sponsoring Grieving Children’s Awareness Day. Commemorated on the third Thursday of November (11-19-2015) this day highlights and encourages preparedness, outreach and support to all children who suffer from loss.

    The National Alliance for Grieving Children promotes awareness of the needs of children and teens grieving a death and provides education and resources for anyone who wants to support them. Raising awareness of children’s grief can make a difference in the life of a grieving child! Being prepared with answers to their questions when a loss occurs in their life is another aspect of changing the conversation around grief.

    For us this was apparent when Leah’s accident occurred and we waited to see if a recovery was possible. We were faced with the decision to hold this as a private family situation or open it to her network of friends. The same friends who were their everyday during those painful 5 days she was with us. Our decision to invite them in to visit, say their encouragements and goodbyes was a painful choice for us. To see the pain in their eyes and know they had no way to comprehend their friends fate or their own grief was one of the factors that affected our decision to do this work.

    Every year on the third Thursday of November, the NAGC proudly observes Children’s Grief Awareness Day. Our Affiliate members, donors and supporters throughout the country acknowledge this day by wearing blue and hosting awareness events in their communities. Bereaved children are often referred to as the “forgotten mourners”. Many bereaved children feel isolated in their grief, unaware that they are not alone. Children’s Grief Awareness Day is an opportunity to tell children they are not forgotten and that there is support, hope and healing to be found.

    So on Thursday, I am wearing blue to recognize the cause, support our young people in their pain and be present to the possibility that the work of Being with Grief to bring about change in how we talk about and work to complete the undelivered communications that never had an opportunity to be said to your loved one.

  • Big Milestones

    The 15th anniversary of Leah’s accident and death was last week. This year’s experience was nothing like any of the preceding years and brought a few surprises. The previous weekend we visited our son in Minneapolis. We had a nourishing visit as always. We laughed and talked about silly and important things. We received lots of really good hugs. On my way home I thought to myself that this was a good way to start the week, it will ease some of the pain.

    I was completely surprised that on the exact date and time I learned of Leah’s accident that I began to cry. It was one of those cries that felt bottomless; that if I gave in to it I would drop so far down into the well of grief that I would not come out. I did not want to go to that well. I am tired of the flood of feelings. I asked myself, haven’t I endured these emotions long enough? And the truth is, no.

    Resisting feeling makes the suffering greater.

    Resisting dams up the grief and it begins to feel overwhelming, like I am going to burst. Resisting going there prolongs the pain.

    So I let myself feel the pain.

    I let the tears come exactly as they showed up.
    I let myself, once again, feel the helplessness of not being able to help my daughter live. I let myself feel the sadness of missing her.

    Each day for five days I let my grief come in waves. My energy was low all week, I felt sad, sadder than I have for a while. All week long I relived memories of her, really good memories. Memories that made me smile and laugh. For the first time in a long time I hear her songs on the radio. And I cried. Tears sprang up at surprising intervals, out of nowhere, or so it seemed. Through it all I could not wrap my head around 15 years.

    15 years without seeing her light.

    15 years without touching her.

    15 years without an eye roll.

    15 long years.

    On the sixth day, the actual anniversary of her death, I emerged with new insights. I felt strong. I felt like myself again. My sadness was lifting. This round of the grief spiral provided me with insights into my clients and perspective clients hesitancy to enter their own grief journey. The fear that is felt when we enter the unknown. The knowledge that if we enter that path, it will be painful, and it may bring up issues we have not thought about in a long time.

    Grief can be like a protective shield around our hearts.

    If we do not acknowledge it then we do not have to feel. If we do not feel then maybe the grief will all go away. I can tell you grief does not go away, it gets bigger, stronger, and more overwhelming and the effort of trying to keep it at bay becomes exhausting.

    Yes, I am tired of reliving the accident and remembering that she died five days later. It is nothing compared to the exhaustion and potential health issues that can arise from pushing down or repressing feelings. It takes great courage and heart to feel grief day after day, month after month, year after year. Each time you do, each time I do, the blessings and graces far exceed the pain of resistance.

    I am still assimilating this year’s gifts, but here is what I know so far:

    I am ready to unconditionally love myself, including all the parts that are difficult to love.

    I am ready to take a stand for myself with myself, and live fully aligned with my Truth.

    I will not sacrifice my self-care, my pleasure, or my desires to fit anyone else’s expectations.

    I am willing to be vulnerable.

    It feels vulnerable to state these things here, and you may ask how it this relates to Leah’s death.

    Her death provided me with a huge initiation, the opportunity to completely deconstruct my life, to excavate my authentic self, the me that I am, the fullest expression of my Nanciness. And that is why I do this work.

    I hold the space for you to go deep, feel your feelings, do your work and discover your authentic self, your Truth.

    Grief is not pretty, fun, or cut and dried. It is messy, painful, hard and real. When you have the courage to enter it, to engage your feelings, to bring them into the light of day, you can get through it, layer by layer, but you will get through, and along the way you may just discover a you that is longing to come out and play.

  • Are You Waiting For the Perfect Time?

    Do you find yourself waiting until the perfect time to start something that needs to be done? Things like: working on a presentation, writing for your book, planning a special project, or unleashing your creativity?

    What happens when you wait for the perfect time or the perfect circumstances to start something new or continue an ongoing project?

    Usually the perfect time never comes and the project does not get done.You start having bad feelings about yourself because you are not meeting your expectations.
    What if you do not wait for the perfect moment to start?

    What if, instead, you start from where you are, in the very moment the thought to begin occurs to you?

    What if you wrote from the pain you are feeling or allowed your difficult emotions to show up through your work?

    When you feel inspired, your work flows easily and your words reflect your inner landscape, and, because you feel inspired, you like the outcome of your effort.
    Why not do this when you are feeling vulnerable or fragile? Your words will be just as authentic as they are when you write from inspiration because they will reflect where you are in that moment.

    Your work will show another facet of your authenticity.

    Depending where you are at any given moment your words will ring true for those who need to hear that particular message. Perfection is a myth. Striving for perfection is very close to self abuse. Therefore, you will never achieve your perception of perfection.

    Next time you are waiting for inspiration to hit before you begin that project, letter, or painting, instead start from where you are. That is how I wrote this blog. I started writing from a place that felt vulnerable, trusting that each moment holds value. Inspiration looks different depending on where you are so honor it no matter what it looks like.

    This is one of the lessons I learned from my grief journey.

    Start where you are.

    It does not have to look a certain way, it’s your journey and it serves your life. Ask inside what you need then trust the answer. I can help you navigate this tenuous time so that you can regain a new purpose for living.

  • Living in the Unknown

    What does living in the unknown mean anyway?

    News flash, we always live in the unknown, we just think we are in control. I learned this lesson fast when my daughter died. Back then I was a certifiable control freak. I thought everything was in my control and if I worked hard enough, or did the right things the outcome would be according to my plan. Boy that did not work, can you relate?

    At the time I worked as a project manager for a large contracting company. Trying to control all aspects of the jobs I managed was like trying to herd cats, or like being the parent of a teenager. As a matter of fact, at the time, I used to compare working on my job site to having a teenager. I never knew what I would find when I got to work, or when I got home. It was the beginning of my lessons about letting go of that which I cannot control.

    That lesson deepened when Leah died.

    I learned in the blink of an eye that I was never in control.

    I just thought I was and, by thinking so, I was living under an illusion that I had the power to influence everything in my sphere of consciousness.

    The thought of living in the unknown is scary. Questions arise like: If I do not know anything, how will things get done? Will I just sit on my couch and mindlessly watch TV and eat ice cream? Will I lose touch with everything and everyone?

    Here’s what I learned.
    Living in the unknown is a matter of faith and trust, and it is a mindful practice.
    When Leah died I was at a low point, I really did not know anything. I did not know why she died, why she was in the hospital for five days, why I could not stop her accident from happening. I no longer knew my place in the world, or what I was going to do without her in my life. I did not know how I was going to make it to the next hour let alone live the rest of my life without her physical presence. I decided that since I was already so entrenched in the unknown, why not surrender to it completely because I had nothing more to lose.

    As I walked my grief journey, I got really good at living in the unknown. I learned that the more I was willing to not know; the more I was able to just be, to allow grace and blessings to come into my life.

    When I stopped trying to choreograph my every movement, I was making space for Divine arrangement to enter my life.

    You may have heard of the expression, “Let go and let God”. That is what happened. My diligent practice of my willingness to not know anything continually brought me answers to my prayers that I could never have accomplished by my own sheer will.

    I went from a being control freak; wanting to control every single outcome of every single experience I had to trusting that when I have faith, the magic happens. This happened in every aspect of my life, including my job. When I learned to relax my hold on my perception of reality, or what I thought that reality should be, things worked out in ways that I never could have imagined.

    I remember one particularly contentious meeting I was facilitating. Several people around the table were ready for a good fight. I went into the meeting with the intention of being completely present to each person who spoke, and not knowing how to fix whatever was going to be spoken in the meeting. I knew exactly what each person’s issues were, and yet I still was willing to not know how to resolve them. The result of that meeting was amazing. There were no fights, no raised voices, no one storming from the room to make a point. I truly do not know what happened, except that my willingness to not know allowed all of the other possibilities to come forward. At the end of the meeting I had several people come up to me and comment about how easily a compromise was reached, and ask me what I did.

    Consciously living in the unknown can seem counter intuitive.

    I am here to tell you that when I notice that I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed, one of the first questions I ask myself is if I am surrendering to the unknown, or trying to affect the outcome of a situation, the answer is always yes.

    Here are three ways you can begin to surrender yourself to the unknown.

    Be willing to not know.

    The next time you are struggling with a problem, be willing to not know the answer. Sit quietly, breath, bring the question to your heart, and be willing to not know the answer.

    Do not be attached to the outcome.

    You may have tussled with the same problem many times before, and you find your thoughts analyzing the pros and cons back and forth, making you crazy with trying to do the right thing. Let all of that go, let the question rest in your heart, and trust an answer will come.

    Be present.

    When you are in the present moment everything you need is in the field. When you allow yourself to be present and not know at the same time, the answer you need will rise to the top for you to see it. When we spend time trying to figure everything out from past experience we miss what is right in front of us in the present moment.

    As you can see, living in the unknown serves us in all aspects of our life. There are many nuances of it that are unable to be described. I invite you to try it for yourself to directly experience what is possible when you do not know anything.

  • Leah’s Greatest Gift to Me

    Life is full of lessons.

    From the time we first make our way into this world we are learning. Our first years are spent familiarizing ourselves with our environment and the people who care for us. We are eager learners taking in all that we see, touch, hear, and taste. The exuberance of a baby is life affirming.

    As we grow and begin school our ways of learning change. Some things interest us more than others and we gravitate toward them. Sometimes we become almost obsessed with a topic and we cannot get enough. We read about it, and take every opportunity to engage in activities that brings us into direct contact with our obsession. That obsession can then become a passion.  That passion may change from time to time, and thus brings more experiences into our realm of knowing.  If we are lucky, this trend continues throughout our life.

    But what happens when we find ourselves feeling like we no longer have any inspiration, like we have lost our passion and do not know how to get it back again? Sometimes we go through our lives with blinders on.  We think we have enough time to learn what we want to learn, or do what we want to do…..later.  But when is later?

    My grief journey presented me with a sense of urgency to live life to the fullest.

    Are the lessons I learned ones that I would have learned anyway, without the plunge into the deep well of grief? Maybe, some of them.  Yes, I was on a path of enlightenment. I was doing inner work, sometimes. However, after Leah died I knew in every cell of my body that losing her was much too high a price to pay to not be exactly who I am.

    Early on in my journey I was not sure I would make it. After the early grief stage passed and I came to a place that held a little more peace and was less overwhelming, the urgency to live life to the fullest was there to encourage me.

    Spurred on by the knowing that losing my daughter was too high a price to pay to not be who I am led me into some of the deepest work of my life. It was painful; deconstructing a life is always painful, however it was not as painful as not having Leah physically in my life.

    I  now see this as one of the greatest gifts Leah gave to me, the quest for my True Heart.

    The quest to find my authentic self, to live in alignment with that Truth, and most importantly to listen deeply to my own guidance.  I came to truly know my Self for the first time. I learned what my guidance, my intuition, really felt like in my body and learned to listen to it with devotion. Through the process of this initiation I learned what brings me pleasure, what nourishes me, how important it is for me to dance and color with my crayons. I learned what does not nourish me and no longer serves me.  I have come to call this essence of me that only I can know and understand my Nanci-ness.  Only I could be the me that I am, only you can be the you that you are.

    Wherever you find yourself in your own grief journey, the possibility exists for you to come into the fullness of who you are. Whether you are mourning the loss of a loved one, a job, a relationship, or lost opportunity, you are at a threshold to self-discovery. I invite you to cross that threshold, to enter the unknown.

    We are always in the unknown.