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Category: Eating Psychology

  • Relaxing Into Myself

    When the dust settled after my book launch party I wondered, “

    Okay. What now?

    What do authors do once the editing, publishing, and launching are done?” The answer came soon enough; market the book. I began the process of writing to venues to request book events and speaking engagements, shifted my networking message, and changed my mindset from being a forthcoming author to being a published author. I took my time with this process. That is to say, I paid attention to my own self-care and nourishment. I feel different now. I carry my work differently, and I need to continue to cultivate my own rhythm as I refine the way I bring my work into the world. I need to nurture my body and my self as a strong container and vessel to hold this work as I continue forward. As I sat with this process the words that I heard were: I am relaxing into myself. That’s not what I expected to hear.

    I wondered, what does it mean to relax into myself?

    At first I wasn’t sure, and, as I have continued my practice of loving self-care, it’s become more apparent.

    A lifelong friend recently told me I was a different Nancy. That means she knew me back before Leah died. How was I different then? Did she mean that I was a carefree Nancy who skipped through life with utter joy, only to be brought to my knees after my daughter’s death? No, I was a very quiet and, some would say, shy child and teenager, and this introspection continued into adulthood. The last thing a younger version of myself would be doing is sharing my story with others, no matter what the story. The initiation of my daughter’s death changed me and the process of writing my book changed me yet again. I now feel most like myself when I am sharing how I learned to thrive after Leah died, and the ways that I did that.

    There was a thread that ran throughout my life beginning as a child. I often heard,

    “Someday you will do something important.”

    When I heard it as a child, sometimes I was excited and I would dream of what the important thing would be. Sometimes I was confused because I didn’t know how to find out what the important thing would be. I always felt different, isolated, because I felt like I was doing something wrong, that I would never discover my destiny. This probably contributed to my introspective nature. Whenever I heard that I would someday do something important, it was like jumping to the last chapter in a book without all the background information provided in the chapters leading up to it.

    As I sit here today, those chapters have been filled in. My important work is nothing like I imagined as a child, dreaming of magnificence. I could never quite capture the full vision of what that significant work would be, nothing ever felt like it fit, and I wasn’t inspired by any of the daydreams of importance.

    This gives me a new appreciation of the present moment. My entire journey has included a continued nuance of presence. When I was dreaming of a future of greatness, I was missing what was right in front of me, the treasures that are found in this very moment.

    What does this have to do with relaxing into myself?

    And just how did I go about this process? One of the things I did was to listen deeply to what my body needed in each moment. I made lists of these needs, both physical and emotional. I looked at the pattern of my days and shifted them until I found a rhythm to my days that fit where I am right now. I continue to pay attention to how I feel as I go through my days and when something feels off I inquire inside and readjust. Relaxing into myself is dynamic; it can change from day to day or week-to-week depending on my schedule, my energy level, and so many other factors. That’s why it’s important to stay present and continue to listen to deep inner wisdom.

    Here are some ways you can cultivate your own rhythm.

    Slow Down.

    Slow down with everything. When you slow down you can hear your inner wisdom. I’ve also found that on those days when I have a lot of things to accomplish, slowing down helps me to get more done in a more relaxed way. You read correctly, slowing down gets more done.

    Look at your daily schedule.

    Are you doing some things the same way everyday for no reason? Is there another activity that you want to add to your schedule and you don’t know how to find extra time? Sometimes simple changes to the template or pattern of your day can open up or shift your schedule enough to find extra time. One thing I did was get up 15 minutes earlier and shower first thing. This opened up time for me to write everyday. Something I wanted to do more consistently; but didn’t until I shifted my schedule.

    Include Self-Care.

    Look at your self-care rituals. Do they reduce stress or make you feel more stressed? Eliminate anything that induces stress. Add new activities that inspire you. Find some time for self-care everyday.

    Move.

    This is a part of self-care for me and it deserves a separate mention. Movement changes everything. When I don’t want to move, I do the “I don’t want to move dance.” Letting my feelings and emotions have a voice, no matter what they are has been one of the most important factors in cultivating a rhythm that works for me right now.

    Eat Food that Nourishes You.

    There are a lot of ideas out there about what food we should eat. Find out what food nourishes and nurtures YOUR body. Yes, there are general guidelines about quality and nutrition, and no one way of eating works for every body. I know what my body needs, and I have often abandoned myself with excuses that sabotage me. This reminds me of a question I was asked recently, “What does being an Eating Psychology Coach have to do with grief?” My answer to this is another blog topic.

    Be Gentle with Yourself.

    What would you say to a friend who came to talk to you about a problem or concern? Treat yourself the way you would treat a beloved friend. Learning compassion for myself and my journey was the first step for me to learn to love myself as I am in each present moment.

  • Grief and Eating Psychology

    This past weekend I was in Boulder, Colorado, attending a Psychology of Eating Conference. It was good to be back in the presence of the mountains. The majesty of the mountains never fails to nourish me. The conference was a powerful reminder of the importance of my work as an Eating Psychology Coach. I reconnected with some of my classmates and made some wonderful new relationships. I came away from the weekend with a deeper understanding of the correlation between eating psychology work and grief. Some of the same strategies that are used to meet eating challenges can also assist us on our grief journey.

    Symptoms of grief can be symptoms of eating challenges. Eating challenges can also be a diversion, a way to distract ourselves from being with our feelings of grief. For instance, when we are in early grief compulsive eating may be a way to cope with our loss. It is perfectly normal to give ourselves the comfort of food as we come to terms with our loss. It can become problematic if we continue using food to suppress our feelings because then we do not process our grief and do not move through it.

    How can we recognize if we are turning to food to distract us from processing our grief? How can you utilize Mind Body Strategies to meet your grief?

    Breathe

    Notice your first instinct when you feel grief rising in you. Do you immediately reach for that cookie or tub of ice cream? Take some time to breathe. Take a few deep abdominal breaths. When your feelings of grief come up, allow yourself to feel them.

    Relax

    As your feelings begin to arise, your first instinct may be to tense up, to contract. Consciously continue to breathe until you feel yourself relax. All healing, whether it is physical or emotional, can only take place in a relaxation response. As you relax you reduce stress. Stress is any real or perceived threat. When you are in a stress response, your grief can feel intense and overwhelming. As you begin to relax you can begin to process one feeling at a time, rather than an onslaught of the many different feelings that make up grief.

    Nourish

    What nourishes you? Make a list of everything that nourishes you. These can be self-care rituals such as receiving acupuncture, having a massage, enjoying a bath, walking in nature, or spending time with a friend. They can also be creative endeavors like making art, writing poetry, or gardening. It helps to make a list because when you find yourself feeling overwhelming grief, you can look at your list and choose an activity you already know will nourish you. Do whatever soothes you. Nourishing yourself in these ways will also help you relax.

    Make Time

    In the first days after Leah died I began making time and space each day to feel my feelings exactly as they arose in that moment. I was often in situations at work where I could not process my feelings so I created a safe container to put them in, then at the same time each day, I visited them. I took one and a half to two hours each day; you can spend the amount of time that feels right for you. I was scrupulously devoted to this practice every evening for over two years. In the early days, processing may not be possible and that is okay. You can write about what is happening to you if you would like. The important piece here is consistency. When you know you will have the time you need at the end of each day to be with your feelings, you will find it easier to get through the day when you feel like you might fall apart. My clients find this to be a very beneficial practice.

    Turning to food for comfort or as a distraction is a doorway to a deeper issue, whether we are grieving or not. By taking time to breath, relax, and nourish yourself you can receive clues about these issues. Your own journey is a gift to help you discover your magnificent self, even when it does not feel like it.

  • How to Listen to Your Own Heart

    I am more aware lately of how inundated we are with messages. They are everywhere: on billboards, television, Facebook, and in magazines to name a few places. Everywhere we look we see advice for every issue or problem we may have. These messages have good intentions. Someone found a way to make a problem better, a way that works for them, a way to make life easier or to attain a goal. Yet, if there are so many solutions, why are so many people still looking? Why are they still seeking the one thing that will make the difference to them in their situation? This is an excellent question.

    In my work as an Eating Psychology Coach I help people to learn to listen to their own bodies, to find a way to eat and move that are sustainable to their unique body.

    Every diet or eating plan out there has good information, however when it is applied to everyone equally some people will find it does not work for them. Learning how to truly nourish your body in alignment with your distinctive needs is a process that begins with slowing down, tuning in and really listening. I help my Eating Psychology clients to hear what their bodies are saying to them, experiment with high quality food and utilize practices to find the right fit for them.
    This has a correlation with grief work.

    There are as many different ways to meet grief as there are people on this planet.

    So often we hear that we should; ” just get over it”, or “get past it”, or “find closure”. When I hear these words I believe the person giving that advice wants to feel better and/or not be reminded of what you are going through. You can find a way to walk your journey with grief that meets your own unique way of being in this world. Your path does not have to resemble anyones. It can be distinctly your journey. Below are some ways of meeting grief.
    Choose a time when you will not be disturbed for 30 minutes to an hour. You can take as long as you would like, and when you are first starting this practice, a shorter amount of time may feel more doable.
    Begin by closing your eyes and becoming aware of your breathing. If you know Samyama, that is a good way to start. (Learn more about Samyama here.) If not, just start by breathing and bringing awareness to your heart.
    Think of a difficult situation from your past, a situation that you successfully moved through. Write down everything about that time that helped you get through it. Keep writing; don’t stop at 2 or 3 things. Even if you are not sure if something helped or not, jot it down. You can repeat this part of the exercise several times using different experiences. This may help you see a pattern.
    Now take some time to look over your list(s). Are there things on your list that you find yourself doing often? Things that nourish you or bring you pleasure? Things that comfort you? What did you turn to in every situation that helped you move through these difficult times?
    Consider doing one of these activities or practices in response to your feelings of grief. What would this look like for you? Perhaps you can do a ten-minute writing about a feeling, or take a walk and ask for messages from your loved one. Or you could light a candle, think about your loved one and allow yourself to cry. The important part is to honor your own feelings and your own heart. You know what is best for yourself.

    Take some time to do this practice regularly, and each time you will discover more and more about your own process, your own way of doing things, the way that makes sense to you…….I’ll give you a hint, your way is consistent with all aspects of your life. When you truly discover it, it will be effortless, and won’t feel like a chore.

    The process may not always be comfortable, nonetheless, it will work for you and your life with unfold in miraculous ways.

  • I Need Your Input

    As I sat down to write this blog I found that my thoughts were all over the place. They were all good thoughts, but I would write a sentence about one topic and then switch to an unrelated topic. I decided to let it go for a while and come back later. When I resumed writing, what came to me was to ask you what you would like to hear about. Are there any topics about grief that I have not covered? Anything I have written about in the past that you would like me to discuss more? I made a list of some familiar topics below.

    I invite you to take some time to contemplate them and let me know what you would like to hear from me.

    How I navigated my own grief journey; especially in the early days.

    Navigating grief from a loss other than the death of a loved one. We experience grief when we lose a job, a relationship, a pet, our health, or any other time our life turns out differently then we planned.

    Grief as a cycle of life. How everyday losses, like those listed above, can provide you insights into the way you process grief, which can then help when you experience a bigger loss.

    How to navigate milestone days of a loss event such as anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays. Also how to navigate the anticipation of these days.

    How to find our own way of meeting grief and living through it. Finding a way that makes sense to us.

    How other people’s views of grief may affect our own process. For example, people may have certain expectations including the acceptable length of grief, what closure means and if closure is even possible.

    Grief as initiation; what I mean by that including how your own initiation can lead you to rediscover your true self and the ability to live a joyful life again.

    Samyama meditation as a resource not only for meeting your grief but also for meeting your daily life.

    How to help support someone else who has lost a loved one.

    How eating and grief issues intersect. What Eating Psychology has to do with grief.

    Any other topic, anything at all that you would like to know.
    I welcome any other questions you have about the grief process, my personal process, or anything else that arises as you read this. I always welcome your input. I have tremendous gratitude for you and for the time you take to read my newsletter and blog.
    You can respond by email. or leave a comment below to voice your opinions.

  • Reflections on the Unknown

    I am writing this blog a couple of days early. I want to engage you during this in-between time. The days between the holidays are a time of reflection for me. A time when everyday life slows down a little bit. This has been especially true for me since our daughter’s passing. As we adjusted our holiday traditions, the events that were not meaningful dropped away. I have come to look forward to this slowing down as an invitation to pause, to reflect on the past year and to set my intentions for the coming year.

    I don’t make new years resolutions. In the past when I have made them I was always striving for perfection.

    Striving for perfection has always been a set up for failure for me.

    When I failed, I would beat myself up because I could not meet an unrealistic goal. Those goals were often about looking a certain way or acting a certain way to be loved. These goals are paraded across our consciousness by the media again and again. It was not until I had the gift of time for reflection that I was able to unplug from all of those messages and I let go of striving for perceived perfection.

    Reflection, pausing, taking time to listen to your heart’s longing, all of these things bring up uncomfortable feelings. We do not like to feel uncomfortable. We think perfection will bring an end to our discomfort. When we are grieving, whether for a loved one or for the way things used to be, we are thrust into the unknown. The unknown is uncomfortable because we like to think we are in control of what is happening in our lives, but are we? Do we really know anything about what will happen or when it will happen?

    Learning to navigate the unknown is a part of learning to live with loss.

    This is something only your heart can understand. Your mind will try to convince you that you can get control of your life. Take some time as this year ends to reflect on the past year and to start to get comfortable with the unknown. Here are a few ways to begin.
    Choose a time when you will not be disturbed.

    Begin by closing your eyes and getting quiet. Bring your attention to your heart center. It may help to place a hand on your heart. Become aware of your breathing. Just sit for a moment and breathe into your heart center. Allow yourself to be here in this moment, with nothing else to do.

    If you are new to this practice, take some time to sit in your heart in this way a few times a day, for a minute or two. This alone may be uncomfortable if you are not used to it. Continue in this way until you become more comfortable sitting in this way.

    When you are ready, after you bring your attention to your heart, become aware of any feelings in your heart. Allow yourself to feel the feeling exactly as it is, as it appears in this moment. Stay in this place as long as you can, continuing to be aware of your breathing. When your head chimes in to judge what you are doing, notice what it is saying, and for this moment, bring your attention back to your heart. There is no need to do anything with what your head is telling you.

    This is the practice of Samyama.

    The more you sit in your heart in this way, the more your practice will deepen. The present moment was unknown to most of us because we were not used to paying attention to it. We busied ourselves each moment of each day to distract ourselves from our discomfort. By learning to bring attention to our hearts and sit in the silence we find there, we allow space for our feelings to arise. We allow space for the unknown to be here with us. You can cultivate the practice of Samyama so that when you feel discomfort, or unsure of the unknown you can bring attention to your heart and allow the feelings that arise to be there, and when that happens they shift, and you will receive the gift of the present moment.

    My wish for you as we end 2014 and begin 2015 is that you have time and space for reflection. That your reflections will bring inspiration that will accompany you on your journey into whatever is next for you.

    I’d love to hear from you, leave a comment below, or send me an email

  • Dancing With My Inner Rebel

    I’ve been thinking about my inner rebel a lot lately. She’s the one who tries to get my attention by eating gluten, or having that one more glass of wine, or “just a few chips”. She gets my attention all right, my body no longer wants gluten or wine or chips. My body feels better without all those things, but she is persistent. I used to try to ignore her or try to reason with her. That didn’t work; her attempts to get my attention would get louder and more insistent. So I decided to talk to her, to find out what she wanted. As soon as I asked her what she wanted, my body felt lighter, my headache subsided. Now I will tell you that I have engaged her before, she is a part of me that needs to be met, but I never approached her in quite the same way.

    I asked her to dance.

    Yep you heard right, I asked her to dance, and she got giddy, she was noticed, she didn’t have to get my attention by other tactics. She just wants love like all the parts of us that feel neglected and abandoned. Is there a part of you that needs attention? A part of yourself that is trying to get your attention in ways that take you away from living your life to its fullest? This is the gift in learning to listen to your body. You learn what your body needs to feel fully alive. The bonus here is you also meet parts of yourself that have been acting out. By meeting them fully and hearing what they have to tell you, you can harness their energy and they can contribute to your whole self.

    So I danced with my rebel, (yes, literally) and I asked her what she wanted. I have come to love my rebel and I told I want her to express herself in my life. And I need her to express in a way that does not debilitate my body, because these days if my body isn’t feeling good, I don’t have the energy to dance with her. We made a pact to support each other so we can both live fully and joyfully.

    Is there a part of yourself that wants to be expressed that you are fighting? Here are some ways to begin to make peace with those parts of you.

    Every part of us wants to be loved.

    If that sounds like too much right now you can start out by just noticing the parts of you that you may want to “get rid of” or “stop what they are doing”. Just notice, breathe, and start by letting that part of you know that you are noticing. Do this until you feel like you are ready to move deeper with your work around this. If you’re not sure what part of yourself to start with, you too may have a rebel, or a protector, or a teenager, or a vigilant part of yourself. You may have all of these, start with one, the one that you are noticing the most. You can also ask the age of this part of you. Often times a younger version of you did not get their needs met at a certain age and will show up later as that same age with the same unmet feelings.

    Ask the part of yourself you are working with what they want.

    They may not answer right away, this part of you is not used to you paying attention to it. Be compassionate with yourself, and keep asking. You can ask the part of yourself you are working with to write to you, ask any questions you want and let them write when they are ready. There is no time limit on this work, some days might feel easier than others, notice any shifts or changes in your relationship with this part of you.

    As you continue to engage these parts of yourself that you usually try to keep hidden,
    you will learn that they have gifts for you.

    They are a part of you and you can learn to accept them and integrate them into your life. Do you have to dance with them? Only if that is what they want. Maybe they want to write, or draw or paint. Maybe they want to garden or take a walk, or listen to music., or maybe they don’t want you to be so busy. You won’t know for sure until you meet all the wonderful parts that make up you and
    ask them what they want and need from you.

    Meeting all the parts of yourself that you want to hide is the path toward stepping into your fully expressed life.

    I’d love to hear what you think. Send me an email, or comment below.