My Site

Author: Nancy Loeffler

  • Everything I Have Done…..

    Everything I Have Done…..

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    “Everything you have done until now has prepared you for what is next.”

    When I heard that message shortly after Leah died, I had no idea that it meant EVERYTHING; every little thing that I have ever gone through in my entire life.  I came to that realization after a week of book events in Chicago shortly after my book launched. I kept going back to experiences from my childhood. Things like the difficulties I had with some of the kids in the neighborhood, the hard time I had fitting in at school, the mixed messages I got at home, and the fact that I had a severe stutter.

    I would find myself saying after remembering each memory, “Surely not this too?” And then I would receive the gift of that difficult experience; every, single, time.  It became so that I stopped questioning the events of my life, I knew almost as soon as something came into my awareness what it was there to teach me how it had prepared me for what’s next.

    Does this sound daunting to you?

    It did to me too when I first heard the message.  I wanted it to mean that only the helpful things were what I needed to prepare me for my next. Things like courses I had taken or practices that brought me joy.  I wanted only the “good things” to be my helpers.  If the “bad” things were also there to assist me, that would mean that I would have to pay attention to them, and I didn’t want to do that, any more than you want to do that.  I came to see that “good” and “bad” are labels that we put on our experiences. Yes, some may be more pleasurable, some more difficult, but they are all there to be in service to our awakening; our saying yes to stepping into the fullness of who we are in any given moment.

    One thing that helped me tremendously in navigating my “everythings” was presence.  When I can be present to the feelings that arise in this moment about difficult experiences I can begin to unravel the sticky stories that my head continues to spin about those experiences. Bringing the feelings to my heart to be shifted, further understood, and eventually transmuted. This is the process that I use when I work with grief clients, and it is also the process that I use with every client who is following the breadcrumbs of their “everything” in order to reclaim their lives and live an engaged life. The life you’ve always dreamed of living.

    I’m often asked to describe presence, and I can spend a lot of time talking about what it is. I’ve written a lot about it and have done several videos about it.  Because presence is a direct experience practice, until you experience it for yourself, you will not really know what it is.

    I am offering a Zoom call for you to experience presence. You can register here.

    I will guide you in the present moment awareness practice that I teach my clients and use in my daily life.  Yes, it’s helpful for  grief AND for everything else. (There’s that word again!)

    If you would like to experience presence for yourself and learn how you can begin to incorporate it into your daily life, I invite you to join me on Friday, April 16, 2021 at 1:00 PM Central Time.

    Let me know if you have any questions.

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  • There’s More Than One Way to Get to the Park

    There’s More Than One Way to Get to the Park

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    I’ve been receiving the following message in my morning meditation:

    “Show up unapologetically as yourself in everything that you do.”

    There was a time when that would have sent me down a rabbit hole or into a tailspin. What if “they” don’t like the fullness of who I am?  (Who is this mythical “they” anyway?) What if that’s not really who I am and I am really a fake?  What do you mean you found gifts in your grief journey!!???

    Have you ever had similar thoughts?  What I realized is that those thoughts are just that – thoughts or stories. In the past those stories have kept me from showing up fully as myself. I’ve done a lot of inner work to untangle those stories.  One thing I discovered is that;

    I needed to accept myself fully,

    I needed to accept the gifts that I received on my grief journey,

    I needed to sit with all of those questions that threatened to dismantle me before I felt comfortable bringing the fullness of who I am into my work and into every aspect of my life.

    As I write this I am reminded that there are many ways to achieve our goals, many roads to enlightenment.

    My grief journey was one of those roads for me.  I started down that road a long time ago as I worked to untangle and deconstruct old wounds and learn to live more authentically.  It was my grief journey that provided exactly what I needed when I needed it to continue on that road and step more fully into who I am.

    That reminds me of a story about Leah that I included in my book; There’s More Than One Way to Get to the Park. I’ll share it here for context.

    More Than One Way to Get to the Park

    When Leah was a child, she often did things her own way. When she was reprimanded in school, or compared to others, I didn’t want that to be a damaging experience for her. I wanted to show her that everyone’s experience is valid. She loved to go to the park near our house. The fastest way was a straight shot down 145th street. One day on our way there I took a different route. We started out in the opposite direction and went up and down streets on our way there. Leah kept asking me where we were going, and I said, “To the park.”

    “This is not the way,” she said.

    “Let’s see what happens,” I replied.

    We continued on our way, and soon we arrived at the park. She looked at me with excitement and ran to play. The next few times we went to the park, we took a different route each time. Sometimes it took longer, and we saw things we may not have seen going another way.

    The next time she complained that she was not doing things the way other people were, I told her that just as there was more than one way to get to the park, there was more than one way to learn math, or spelling, or even to get dressed. Then we’d search for a way that worked for her. That seemed to calm her fears that she was different than other people. She eventually learned to embrace her differences, and I am thankful that I was able to help her do it in such a simple way.

    I continue to use this lesson myself. Whenever I question my path, I always remind myself there is more than one way to get to the park and each path is valid.

    When you are questioning your own path, I offer you this wisdom from Leah and me.

    There’s more than one way to get to the park.

    When you take a look at your own life, what are some of the opportunities you have followed as you learned the lessons you needed to learn to become the person you were meant to be?

    Have you ever considered that everything you have experienced in your life have been important to your growth?  I didn’t either until I received the message shortly after Leah died that

    “Everything I experienced up until that point had prepared me for what was coming next.”

    At the time I thought it was only helpful practices like Samyama or other practices that supported me.  As I traveled further down the path of my journey I realized that it meant EVERYTHING, even the most difficult parts of my life.

    At first, I didn’t want to accept that fact.  How could difficult parts of my life serve my growth?  The answer seems obvious to me now, at the time though, I didn’t want to let those painful and difficult parts of me in. I wanted to push them away and concentrate only on the “good” or “positive” parts of my life. What I’ve learned is that all of my experiences, throughout my entire life, contain lessons that are valid for me only, and yours are valid for you.

    In the weeks to follow I’ll be sharing some of my “everything.”  In the mean time, what is your “everything”?

    What parts of your story do you want to hide or run away from?

    What would it be like if you gave all of those parts of yourself a seat at the table and gave them a voice?

    What would they say to you?

    If this sounds scary to you, I understand.  Nothing could strike me with terror more than a part of myself that was difficult to love.  What I learned though is that all parts of ourselves need and want to be met with love.  When I began to listen to the parts of myself that I didn’t want to love because they weren’t as desirable as other parts, I began to heal those parts of myself.

    It’s easy to love yourself when you are having a good hair day.

    What about all of the other times?

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  • Our Journey to St. Paul

    Our Journey to St. Paul

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    I took some time during the past week to do some deeper reflection on the past year and everything it brought up for me.

    There is no doubt that 2020 held many difficulties for all of us.  What I noticed for me is the disruption of pandemic affected me on a personal energetic level.  I felt remnants of things that I thought I was done with swirling around in my face.  Old childhood wounds, parts of myself that I didn’t like, voices of judgment.

    In the past I may have wanted to ignore, or get rid of the uncomfortable things.  This time I got curious, I had the time to get curious. For many years I had been “trying to slow down”  In 2020 I actually did it, our of necessity.  The message I continued to receive was that,

    “Now it the time to attend to everything that has been clamoring for your attention all your life.”

    That seemed like an insurmountable endeavor, and yet moment-by-moment I was able to meet everything that arose.  I gained a new perspective on presence.

    This moment here, and now this one.

    I’ve been dancing with presence and present moment awareness for a long time.  It is what I turned to early in my grief journey to help me navigate the rocky waters of grief. It is the foundation of my daily practice as well as my work with my clients.  How was it possible that I had more to learn about it?  And yet there was, there always is, because the present moment is always new.  There have been times that I have tried to figure out how it works in my head.  When that happens I struggle with the concept of what present moment is.  I tell myself if I can just figure it out logically, I’ll have a much better explanation of what it is and how it works.

    And while I am in that struggle, I am not being present.  Huh.

    This year we traveled from Raleigh, NC to Minneapolis, Minnesota in an RV to meet our granddaughter.  Upon returning we decided we were being called to move to Minnesota to be closer to her and to be a part of her life.  My initial thought there was that we would take about a year to do it slowly, there was a lot to do.  I talked to a friend who is a stager and a couple of realtors to get a better understanding of what we had to do.  It seemed even more overwhelming, and I was sure that waiting until spring of 2021 was the sane decision.  And then I got present.  I asked deep in my heart what was needed.  I’ve been doing this a long time, and I recognize my intuition when it arises from my heart and soul.  I received guidance to set up an appointment with the realtor we decided to work with. It was September 27, 2020.  We thoroughly talked about the steps needed to do to get ready for an open house.  She told me that she thought we could be ready for an open house on October 24th.

    My mind was waving its arms, (metaphorically!) saying things like, ”That’s less that a month away! “  “That’s impossible”  Your crazy if you think you can do all that in less then a month.”

    And then I heard myself say, Ok, let’s do it.

    My mind was incredulous.  I didn’t ignore them, I brought them into my heart, let them be heard. I found this helpful in helping those voices to calm down; they felt heard. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t doing what they told me to do.  They only wanted to be heard.

    On December 27, 2020 we were sitting in our new condo in St. Paul MN.  We moved in on December 11th.  I can honestly say that I am not carrying any remnants of overwhelm from the activities we did to get ready to move, of buying a new condo, and of physically moving here, taking 3 days to drive over 1600 miles to snow country in the winter.  My prayer of a snow and ice free move was a welcome gift.

    After we moved, we spent the first week unpacking boxes and getting organized full time. We got our new home to a place of livability. We still had lots of boxes to unpack and new homes to find for our belongings, but we also made time to continue to settle in, which for me meant listening to what I need in each moment.

    We explored our new neighborhood when the temperature was above 30.  We found the closest entry into the skyway so we can walk when the temperatures are in the single digits. We found our neighborhood co-op and became members.  We envisioned what our new life would look like, each of us writing about what we need daily, or weekly. We purchased new furniture to fit our new space and organize our books. And most importantly we saw Arya,(and Peter, Christine, & Marlowe)  a lot.

    We saw Peter and his family more in the last month than we did all last year.  We love all the possibilities that come with living close.

    About 2 years ago we began a conversation about building a tiny home in Peter’s backyard. At that time, we envisioned spending the summer months there, and at the same time spending more time with him.  We talked about what that might look like, both physically and emotionally. Dan began designing tiny homes, and we talked about what we wanted in a new home, choosing a final design.  We were in the process of looking at a few possibilities for the backyard project when Arya was born.

    And then we met her.

    After that, there was no question that we would move to Minnesota full time so we could know her, and be a part of all of their lives.  That meant a change in plans. For me, a tiny home was out of the question if we would be there in the winter.  We decided to revisit a dream we had early in our marriage. We found a condo in downtown St. Paul in a walk-able neighborhood. We are on the 32ndfloor, and have a beautiful view that includes the Mississippi River, as well as sunrises and sunsets. Our condo fits our style and our simplified life.

    We are adjusting to our new lifestyle. Dan retired, and is getting used to a new rhythm. I’m continuing to do my work; and listening to where I’m being called next. We’re both enjoying spending more of our days together, and exploring our new city.

    All of these changes were able to happen because we were present to our feelings throughout the process.

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  • 20 Years is a Long Time

    20 Years is a Long Time

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    We marked the 20-year anniversary of Leah’s death earlier this month.

    20 years.

    That fact is enough to stop me in my tracks.  20 years is a long time.

    That’s what I thought when I first began to mark 20-year milestones; 20 years since I graduated grade school and high school, my 20-year wedding anniversary, 20-years since my mom died, and my dad, and so many more. Those milestones now have many more years added to the time that has past.

    20 years since I last saw Leah’s precious face in person, and felt her hugs; that’s a lot for my head to grasp.

    The week leading up to this anniversary was intense. We were in negotiations with both the selling of our home in Raleigh, and the purchase of our new home in St. Paul, MN.  We’re packing and doing all the things necessary to ensure an organized move.

    Dan retired after a 41-year career.

    It was election week.

    Mercury was going direct.

    With all of these activities swirling around in my world, I turned to presence like never before. The only thing that kept me grounded was to breathe deeply, come into my heart, listen deeply to the guidance I always receive there, and act (or not act) from a place of Divine Wisdom. I was guided more often than not to just be. That seemed counter intuitive to me in light of everything clamoring to get done, and yet it was exactly the right guidance.

    Each time I tried to write about what was happening, nothing came. I chided myself for not following through on my commitment to share my experience of going through this time. And each time the message was clear, not now.

    On Sunday, November 8th, we had a Celebration of Lives to mark this anniversary, via Zoom. Leah requested a party this year; she let me know that she missed all us as much as we miss her. The celebration was exactly what we needed this year.
    Many of our family and friends joined to remember Leah, as well as their loved ones. I’ve been sitting with and basking in the energy of that gathering as I’ve been continuing to sort, and purge, and pack.  I’m aware that I am also grieving this move, and I’ve not wanted to give in to it because I want to get more done first. And that reminded me that “waiting until” is something I’ve done all my life, and it’s at the root of all perfectionism.  See if any of these statements ring true for you.

    If I wait until I am the perfect weight, then I can wear cool clothes, or …..(this has changed throughout the years depending on the circumstance)

    When I retire, then I’ll have time to dance or paint, or write poetry.

    When I get my life in order, then I’ll be able to be a better partner, or mother, or friend.

    When I have more time, then I’ll tend to my grief.

    When I first started to dismantle perfectionism in my own life, I had to take a long hard look at these statements.  Why couldn’t I wear cool clothes before I reached a perceived number on a scale that may or may not be realistic?
    Why can’t I dance, or make art, or write poetry now?
    And grief, what if I make time to be with my feelings of grief as they arise?  That is what I teach, and I’m beginning to allow myself to grieve my move. I’m not just leaving a home that we love. I am also saying goodbye to friends, and to professional relationships I have cultivated.  I’m saying goodbye to warmer weather, and to my identity here in Raleigh, among many other things.
    Even after all this time, my first reaction is to push the grief away to “get things done.”  What I know is that allowing my feelings in, and to let them be here until they move through will allow me to be more productive in the long run.
    Grief has taught me to slow down and to listen deeply. When I do that, I can get curious about my first reaction, and see what is underneath. Usually it’s what really needs attention, it’s what I’ve been avoiding with the excuse that I’m too busy to tend to that now.
    Presence is my practice, and it’s here that I connect with my heart.  My head may not be able to grasp 20 years, my heart doesn’t have to grasp it, it can hold all the feelings that arise now and as I continue to move through this time.

    Grieving is an active pursuit. Even allowing my feelings to be here as they are is an active choice.

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  • Finding Joy, Even in Grief

    Finding Joy, Even in Grief

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    Is it possible to find small moments of joy when we are grieving, or when we are living through a pandemic?

    Each year when I enter into the portal of Leah’s death, it always takes me back to November of 2000.
    I remember how I felt when the police came into my office to escort me to the hospital.
    I remember how I felt on the drive to the hospital, and when I found out what happened.
    I remember seeing her for the first time, and my uncontrollable shaking.
    I remember how I would grasp on to each gossamer thin thread of hope that she would return to us.
    I remember leaving the hospital for the last time.
    I remember every detail of that time. I think that is why I am reluctant to enter this time each year; I know I will be taken back to events that I wish were not a part of my memory.
    They don’t come in linear progression. They come in flashes throughout the days and weeks leading up to November 8th.
    This year they are tempered with a new understanding of my life and with a new relationship with Leah.
    Each year when I review these occurrences; I receive new insights. Each year I am able to unravel more and more of the pain and anguish that still lives somewhere in my body.

    This year I’ve been noticing the similarities of living in 2020 and my grief journey, and grief in general.

    I’ve noticed that the stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, are some of the same feelings we’ve been feeling throughout the past 7 months.
    These stages aren’t linear; we don’t finish with one before we move on to the next one. (I used to think that was true before I traveled my own journey.)
    You may find yourself spiraling back around to these feelings time and time again. What I found for myself is that when I allow the feelings to be here and allow myself to feel them, they shift; they are not the same each time they come back around. That’s what I mean when I say that each year my experience of this time of the year is different.
    We can look at the grief we are feeling this year the same way. Look at all of the stages of grief, and at where and when you’ve experienced them this year.
    Back in March, we were in denial, surely this wasn’t serious, and it would blow over in a few weeks. And then the whole world closed up, and our lives completely changed in an instant in ways we could never imagine.
    That’s what happened to me when Leah died, that’s what happened to you when you experience a death, whether it is the death of a loved one, or another kind of loss, like the loss of a job, a relationship, a way of life, your identity, or the ability to have coffee with a friend.

    Think of how you cycled through these emotions since March, how you are still cycling through them.

    What have you learned about yourself?
    Where have you grown?
    What have you discovered no longer serves you?

    The difficult times of our lives provide doorways into some of our greatest transformations. Each time you experience one of these stages, and all of the emotions that come with them, how have you changed?

    What are you still holding on to?
    What do you wish was the same as it was before?
    These are all questions that I encountered as I traveled my grief journey. When we know that we are experiencing grief, we know that there are ways to meet it, and we can find a way to move through it in our own unique way. Everyone grieves in their own way, there is no one right way to grieve, and there is no one right way to process 2020.
    David Kessler, a renowned grief expert has just written a book called Finding Meaning, The 6th Stage of Grief. It is possible to find meaning, purpose, and even joy again after loss. Sometimes we find the breadcrumbs of meaning, and it’s enough to give us the faith to continue to cycle through our feelings yet again.
    It’s been almost 20 years since Leah died. This is the 20th time I have cycled through my own experiences. I still am brought to my knees at times. I will never get over the death of my daughter.
    I will continue to honor her and myself by saying yes to where life is calling me in each moment. Even in a pandemic we are being called. Even in a pandemic we can find meaning. Even as we grieve we can unearth the jewels that are the blessings and grace that give us the courage to continue.

    To find the blessings and grace that lead to Joy.

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  • My Grand Adventure

    My Grand Adventure

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    On July 24, 2020, I became a grandmother for the first time!

    I’ve known this was going to happen for a while, yet I wasn’t fully prepared for the flood of emotion that arrived upon the sight of my granddaughter’s face at 3 AM on a Saturday morning. It rocked my world like few other things have; the birth of my own children, come to mind.

    The death of my daughter rocked my world in a different way.

    In these first few days of my granddaughter’s life I remembered back to the early days of Peter and Leah’s life. And I can never think of Leah’s birth without thinking of her death. As always when I think of her, there is a mixture of sadness and joy. Right now my heart is so full of joy and love.

    On August 15th, we packed up our rented RV and set off to meet our granddaughter, Arya Soleil Loeffler for the first time. Because of the times in which we are living, we all came to the decision that this was a safe way to travel and minimize the risks that we have all been living with since March.

    We had an amazing trip!

    Camping in our RV for the first time, staying in friends and relative’s driveways when logistics allowed, and enjoying each other’s company on the long 3 day drives each way.  Even Kali, our cat came along, and eventually calmed down and found a place to chill.

    We returned from our adventure on Labor Day weekend.  I’m still integrating the blessings and grace of that visit. Holding Arya, and imprinting the feel of her in my arms so I can remember her now, spending more time with Peter and Christine, and getting to know our gift granddaughter, Marlowe better. We even got to celebrate Marlowe’s 8th birthday while we were there, and learned about mermaids and dragons from her.

    The biggest gift I received is the realization that if I had not met my grief the way I did when Leah died,  I would not have been able to meet my granddaughter with an open heart. I would have had too may layers of protection around it to allow the fullness of my joy to be felt.

    What a huge surprise that was!

    As I’ve  continued to integrate all that has happened in the last few weeks, stepping fully into my new role as a grandmother, and an elder, I’ve had several conversations about my realization that learning how to be with my painful and difficult feelings, especially on my grief journey have allowed me to fully experience the joy of my granddaughter.
    In one conversation, my friend reflected back to me what I told him, and gave me some additional insight. When I said yes to my grief journey, I had no idea what the impact 20 years down the road would be like. I didn’t do it for any implied payback. I did it to honor Leah and the message I received that losing her is too high a price to pay to not live the life I was meant to live.
    I didn’t know that almost 20 years later my granddaughter would benefit from a decision I made back then.
    I didn’t know that the life I was meant to live included welcoming a precious granddaughter into my heart.
    I responded with faith back then. Faith means we trust without seeing results, without even knowing that there will be results.

    So many new insights are available to us when we meet what is here in each moment. Each moment plants seeds for future moments.

    Our world is rocked alright!  We are looking long and hard at our future and making some decisions.  For now, I start each day gazing at Arya’s sweet face and feeling the love in my heart explode, and allowing the smile to return to my face.

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  • Changes

    Changes

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    Here we are in the middle of a year that was supposed to be big.  At the end of 2019 and at the beginning of this year, we all read things like this:

    This is going to be the year that……. (fill in our own blank)

    It is a year of change to be sure, maybe not the change we were planning on or hoping for, and, maybe it is the change we need.  

    There are different kinds of change.


    We change a light bulb.

    We change our clothes, or our hairstyle.

    Those changes are easy. They are done out of necessity as in the light bulb, or a sense of boredom in the case of our hair.

    We may change the way we eat, or our address, or our job.  Now we are entering areas that may need a little more incentive, improvement of our health, or our way of life.

    Change is often looked at with the how easy it is to make, or maybe its how convenient it is for our lives.

    We don’t like to be inconvenienced, and inconvenient change is often pushed aside for another day.

    Up until this year, when we contemplated a change that impacted the world, we, or at least I decided it wasn’t a convenient time. A lot of us have reached a place where convenience or comfort does not enter into our decision to act.

    When we think about change, real change and what that means to us, we are not likely to take the necessary steps to sustain that change unless there are extenuating circumstances.  Like a pandemic, or unanswered killing of black humans. We have been given all that and more this year.

    Grief is like that.

    Grief changes us; it is inconvenient, and painful.

    We don’t like it, and it’s not going away.

    A common response to grief is; “I just want things to be the way they were.”  I’ve heard the same sentiment about the current situation too. In both cases, we are being called to a new normal, to a change in the way we live, the way we respond, the way we love.

    It’s ok to not like it. It’s ok to want to be comfortable. It’s ok to feel all of our feelings, to let them be expressed, and then allow them to help us make the changes that are sustainable, the changes that will change the world, the changes that will call us into the fullness of our being, and give meaning and purpose to our lives and the lives of our neighbors, family and friends, and yes of the world. We may think we are not powerful enough to change the world.

    It’s our world, if we aren’t powerful enough, who is?

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  • The Impact of Unrecognized Grief in the Workplace

    The Impact of Unrecognized Grief in the Workplace

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    On November 8, 2000 my world changed forever. That was the day that my 17 year old daughter Leah died.  My life was shattered. I had no idea how I was going to go on living without Leah’s presence in my day-to-day life. I wanted to completely isolate myself. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I tried to eat enough chocolate chip cookies to numb my feelings. I couldn’t sleep because that meant waking u to remember, yet again, that she had died.

    At the time I was working in a job I loved, one that allowed me to use my planning skills and my resourcefulness to accomplish sometimes seemingly impossible projects. I was a project manager for a Contracting Company. I returned to that job about a month after Leah died. I couldn’t concentrate. I found myself staring off into space often. My coworkers were hoping that having something to focus my attention on would help me heal.  That didn’t work, and I found out later why. Keeping busy is a myth of grief. If I kept busy and didn’t allow my feelings out, I would stay in that place of pain and isolation.

    Around this time I received this message,

    “Losing Leah is too high a price to pay to not live the life you were meant to live.”

    Those words knocked the wind out of me further.  I felt like I had been dropped in a new country without knowing the language or customs, and now I was being asked to inspire the residents of that country to save it from impending doom. How was I going to do that?

    Up until that time my feelings had been overwhelming, intense, painful, and unrelenting. Even with the diversions I felt like I was never going to find a way out of the deep pool of grief I was in.  I knew I would have to find a way to do something with those feelings. I discovered that rather than doing something with the feelings, or trying to control them; that I needed to feel them. Because they felt SO overwhelming and intense, I thought if I felt them that I would be completely destroyed. As I began to find ways to express my feelings in a safe place, I was able to concentrate more at my job. I didn’t feel as spacey. Make no mistake, the feelings were still strong, as still are sometimes today.  I was beginning to find resources to meet those feelings. I was beginning to learn the new language and adapt to the customs of the new territory I in which I found myself.

    As I traveled deeper into that territory I discovered that grief is a life long journey. We may name it as grief when we lose a loved one like I did; however we experience grief anytime we go through a life changing experience. Loss of a job, a relationship, major lifestyle changes, loss of a pet, or any time our lives don’t go the way we want them to, we experience grief.

    In 2019 The Grief Recovery Institute reported that unresolved grief has a hugeimpact on the workplace.

    The hidden costs of unresolved grief exceeds  $116 billion!

    The looked at a wide spectrum of losses, such as those I mentioned above, and at three (3) major categories, poor decision-making, lack of concentration, and safety.

    When I saw those statistics I was startled. When I first went back to work after Leah died, I certainly could have made poor decisions, and I wouldn’t have even known it. I’ve already talked about my lack of concentration. Safety is always important, and in the field I was in, safety is first and foremost every day.

    I began to wonder, what if more business leaders were aware of the impact of grief, current or unresolved on their businesses? What if there were resources available to their companies and employees to help them navigate grief and the associated issues, like higher stress levels, lack of concentration, and the inability to feel their feelings?  What if there was a new conversation around grief, and it wasn’t so taboo.

    In my work with private clients, I provide all of these resources, and I help them find meaning and purpose in their lives again. My vision is to bring this work to a larger audience. I’ll be sharing what that is going to look like, and how you can learn more about it. In the mean time, I’d love to hear from you. What are your thoughts about grief in the work place? What conversations do you think are important?

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  • Sitting in the Mystery

    Sitting in the Mystery

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    Today I’ve been thinking a lot about my journey, not only my grief journey but the entirety of my journey here on earth.

    While Leah’s death and my subsequent journey to find meaning and purpose in my life again is the single most profound event in my life, what I recognize is that the way I do one thing is the way I do everything else.

    My life before Leah died prepared me to meet it the way I did, and continue to do so. I used to think that my life was meaningless, that there was not any one thing that I was so good at that I could call it my passion and find unabashed joy in it.

    I used to think that I was flawed, that I needed to find out what was wrong with me before I could live a worthy life.

    The message that I received shortly after Leah died, the one that gave me my lifeline to continue to try to live, held all of the dashed hopes and dreams of my past life and provided me with exactly what I needed to find the life I was meant to live. The message is this;

    Losing Leah is too high a price to pay to not live the life I was meant to live.

    Whew, it still brings tears to my eyes more than 19 years after I heard it. I often describe finding this life as an excavation because I had to dig deep. I had to dig through years of doubts, fears, and limiting stories.

    It was the death of my daughter, the most devastating experience of my life, that provided an opportunity to allow me to begin to reconnect, to reclaim the life I was meant to live.

    I found that the essence of that self has always been present. When I would see a glimmer of her as a child, I would suppress her because I felt she was not welcome. I didn’t think I was smart, I was too much for some, not enough for others, and too quiet for everyone. I wasn’t popular, my hair didn’t do what I wanted it to do, and I didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I thought that the person I was supposed to be “should” provide all of these things to me. I walked around miserable most of the time.

    The death of my daughter cracked me open in a way I had never experienced before.

    Before Leah died, I grieved the death of my grandparents and my mother. I grieved the loss of innocence when I was sexually abused. I grieved the loss of the kind of birth experience I wanted when my first pregnancy resulted in a cesarean after a car accident, however the death of my daughter shredded the fabric of my life. My heart was broken open. My life was shattered in a million little pieces and I had no clue of how to put it back together, or if I even wanted to put it back together.

    The day I received my message, I remember asking myself how that would even be possible. I knew though that I would not let my daughter die in vain. I knew that I received an important message, and that Leah’s legacy depended on my response.

    I began the long, painful, arduous, messy, chaotic, confusing, raw, tender, intense, and overwhelming journey back to myself. I have talked a lot about that process. Today I want to say that without my own unique grief journey, I would not have reclaimed my soul, the essence of myself that was there all along; the part of myself that makes me exactly who I am. Today I embrace her in every moment. I remember the lessons of my past and take a stand for that little girl who felt less than or not enough.

    My grief journey is the Heroine’s Journey.

    Through it I reclaimed all the parts of myself that I thought were flaws. Today I stand in my power with so much appreciation for my path, yes, even the messy and painful parts.

    Do I want to turn to Leah sitting in my office and give her a big hug and kiss and tell her I love her? You bet I do.

    And that is not my life. I can hold both because I trust the life I’ve been given. When I spend time trying to figure that out in my head, I can return to the days of pain and regret. My soul knows better. My soul knows that when I stand in alignment that I receive all the blessings and grace that I need to continue on this path: my path. And that is the only path I can be on.

    Your path is the only one you can be on. My heart hurts so much when I hear perspective clients ask me how they can feel better without feeling the pain of their loss. Or how I can help them get back to where they were before. I wish I could do that. What I can do is help you find your own unique path through your grief, one that is valid for you. One that takes into account your past history and makes sense out of it; your own Heroine or Hero’s Journey.

    My message is one of transformation and reclaiming. I do not promise to help you get over your loss or find closure. In my experience that is not possible. I will help you get better at feeling all of your feelings, even, and especially, your painful and uncomfortable ones. All of our feelings want to be met as they are, when they are here. Locking up, pushing down, and using distractions may make us feel better for a little while, however that will keep us stuck in a place that doesn’t serve us, or serve the life we are meant to live. I will teach you resources to turn to when you find yourself on the edge of that well of grief so you know what to do for yourself.

    I will show you how self-love, gratitude and appreciation, feeling all of your feelings, and creativity, to name a few, can show you a path through the depths of your grief in a way that nothing else has been able to do so up until now.

    I can walk with you on what may be the most difficult journey of your life and help you find yourself again.

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  • Holiday traditions –an unexpected rumination

    Holiday traditions –an unexpected rumination

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    Last week I invited friends and colleagues to share some of their new holiday traditions they started, after the death of family members. I’ve received many great re-imagined traditions as families search for new meaning celebrating the holidays without their loved ones present. My good friend Nancy Ruffner shared the following. When I read it, I knew that it was much more than a post on Facebook. I asked her if I could share it as a guest blog. She opens up an important conversation. I hope you find it as valuable as I do.

     

    I did not expect this. I guess it’s true, the question arrives when we are ready for the work before us.

     

    A friend of mine had queried me and others for new holiday traditions that came about as a result of change or loss. I sat down to write my response and this all fell out.  12/12/19

     

    I believe there is so much grief woven into the holidays (of the know-it-or-not, or like-it-or-not variety). When the parents who have served in the matriarchal-patriarchal roles are no longer with us it seems that children, adult children, are unprepared to assume the role or even enjoy a tradition. Many traditions are abandoned as the participants’ expectations can never again be fulfilled. 

     

    Many people are fixed on the tradition as never changing. Isn’t that what tradition is? Our expectations become affixed on the participants, or the arrival at, or achievement of emotions more than the activity performed to get there.  

     

    I’ve begun to examine and rethink my stance on tradition. Traditions can remain, with an expectation that the participants (or year, or site, or activity, or, or, or) may change.  It’s been my expectation that has been out of whack.

     

    As we are inside the activity of a tradition over the years we enjoy and value the participants.  Kids, for instance, learn from Mom and Dad to value and enjoy putting up a tree or some other joint venture that may involve shared activity, frolic, banter, cocoa, seasonal music, whatever. The peripherals are strong ancillaries. Later that bedecked tree represents a shared sense of accomplishment, a symbol of their work, together, resulting later in pleasure and honor (“the prettiest tree ever”), there for our gazing and reflection. There may be peace. The tradition then allows us to pause, conjure up memories from the past, even several pasts. Endorphins or dopamine (for you scientific types) are triggered and released. Powerful stuff.

     

    A misalignment may occur when we confuse the strong pulls for the tradition and we place it on the participants (or year, or, place, or, or, or). For example, when Mom and Dad, matriarch-patriarch are no longer with us many a family member will find themselves somehow off-kilter, debilitated, or in a “what’s the use” -state. The loss (of participant) overtakes the willingness, not the tradition. Misaligned or misplaced emotion is the cause for many, for a year, a few years, or even permanently. 

     

    Some cannot seem to adjust to the change. I hear this often around the holidays. We view TV shows or read of folks with thin a blue funk. They are stuck, or they are DONE. No more. I’ve surely felt it, and I also still feel compelled to fix this (once a caregiver always a…) in my family. I want to enable my family to feel joy, to arrive at “that place”, to have those good feelings and memories. See that? I want them to, I want that for them. I, I, I. Keep reading.

     

    Who then is denied tradition if we declare ourselves to be stuck, or DONE with tradition? One has to wonder about the effects of a Full Stop on the next generation.

     

    Compare it to sports, to college basketball, let’s say. There is tradition in college sports. People look forward to a season. Around the sport they participate in many ways: team, coach, spectator, producers, trainers, site personnel, media, refreshments vendors and so much more. There is honor involved in this tradition. That “part of” -feeling. Pride, maybe strength.  In basketball there are leaders who age out, players also. All journey through a season with their favorite teams, reveling in a winning season, supporting during a tough one. We do not, however, stop the basketball tradition when a star player moves on to the next level or graduates, or when a beloved coach retires. Rather, we continue to support and feed the tradition, turn our sights to the shared activity while still valuing its participants. We celebrate the basketball-activity over years, through time, and the fact that it is through time. We are glad for the season’s experience. We converse about great games and epic plays of last year or last week. It binds, and it creates kinship. 

     

    This tradition carries and celebrates the shared activity. It may not be a tree and a circle of loved ones, cocoa and reflection or peace. However there is certainly the banding together to play or watch the game, the emotional crescendo as delivered by a game or season. The participants-fans are together, not the same ones or configuration every year, and specifically for this tradition. 

     

    What then is the difference? Are we (ourselves) placing too much emphasis on the participants over the shared activity-tradition? Do we place too much on the “is” or the “was” or the “must”? Is our preservation of “was” taking on desperation and abandoning joy? Are we holding tradition hostage, and if we cannot achieve it (whatever “it” means to us) then no one else shall either?  

     

    Who then is denied a tradition? And who is doing the denying? We must ask ourselves those questions and this one: 

     

    What is our gauge, truly, and is it the right gauge?

     

    I see many families struggle during the holidays yet so many others carry on with their ever- merriment. It can be bittersweet to see groups of folks not skipping a beat on the activity, incorporating the changes in personnel if you will, and having a marvelous time. It is hard for the hurting to witness the joy which may then cause the hurting to further retreat. It is hard to stand in a vacuum and know that the joy is swirling all around us, sheesh! A few will find themselves in a web that is difficult to climb out of. What will again make them willing? What will draw on a mustard seed of good times passed, or allow hope? 

     

    We as participants have an obligation to include, to invite, to tempt, cajole and even rally others into our season. Come and just be with. (It’s a No Judgment zone). Have some emotional cocoa. “Whatcha doing? Join us, won’t you?” Set the stage, open-minded and with an open heart.

     

    Those who are hurting have choice also. And choice is good, as there is enough stuff being shoved into our faces this time of year. The hurting may decide to participate as they wish, or can. Perhaps they could observe what or how someone else is tradition-ing, or has, accept a wee bit of emotional (cocoa) exchange. Perhaps they could simply be exposed to a brand new kind of activity, try something on for size and (heart) fit. The hurting can surely retain the ability to “draw or discard” (the idea or activity), but could only bear witness.  Watch, be there, and maybe even join in, if it feels comfortable. 

     

    I believe we have an obligation to others during this time of year simply to set the stage. We can be aware of those around us and afford them the right to their feelings and experiences.

     

    We also have an obligation to ourselves to be willing, and open-minded. Set the table and issue a a kind invitation.

     

    Tradition or no longer, my wish for all is the open-hearted part. 

     

    Nancy Ruffner 12/19/19

     

    Nancy Ruffner, BCPA is a Patient Advocate, Instructor, Public Speaker and owner of NAVIGATE NC LLC. She founded NAVIGATE NC, an advocacy and care management consultancy whose services help persons to navigate the medical, legal, insurance and housing challenges during change. Since 2013 the company has emerged as a fast-growing agency with a goal of becoming a market leader for patient advocacy services in the Southeast. She became a CampaignZERO Educator to furtherserve as the voice of patients and their loved ones. Nancy was among the first in the nation to earn the BCPA credential, Board Certified Patient Advocate. 

     

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