At the time of Leah’s death, Samyama had been a part of my life for seven years.
It wasn’t a practice that I turned to daily; it was there when I needed a little more assistance contacting to my feelings.
I didn’t realize at the time that Samyama would be my lifeline as I began meeting my grief.
Even though I did not have a daily Samyama practice over 20 years ago, I did know the power of the practice. Samyama helped me to begin to shift anger for the first time. I grew up pushing anger down. It wasn’t allowed in my family. My anger would erupt in rage when it could no longer be contained. These eruptions happened when I least expected them and at inopportune moments.
I have done lots of work with anger over the years, with limited results. Samyama allowed me to meet anger for the first time in a safe space. From this safe space I was able to fully feel my anger and allow it to begin to shift. After a few months, I got to the root of my anger. As my heart held all those old feelings, the anger was gradually transmuted, shifted, and released.
These days when I feel anger it is about something that occurred in the last few days, or weeks, not 30 or 40 years ago. I now know how to meet anger, (and all my feelings) and they aren’t pushed down until they can no longer be contained.
What a relief I felt when anger and rage were no longer controlling my life. This experience with anger showed me the subtle power of Samyama.
When I was ready to begin to meet the painful feelings of grief, I was instinctively drawn to Samyama. I began working with my own Samyama Practitioner. She was able to hold space for me to go deep into my feelings.
I began to unravel the stories that were intertwined with my feelings; the stories that kept spinning in my head and wouldn’tlet me sleep or rest. The stories that threatened to devour me and keep my heart locked tight, so I didn’t have to feel the pain of my daughter’s death.
As I began to open my heart to my feelings, I discovered that it could hold all of them.
Even today, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that Leah is no longer here physically. It’s only when I bring my feeling to my heart and allow it to hold whatever shows up in each moment that I can get a glimmer of peace. As that glimmer grows, it eventually spreads from my heart to every cell of my body, and I’m once again reconnected to my soul’s purpose. I’m once again connected to myself, and my reason for being here in this lifetime.
Another gift of my grief journey was showing me the power of Samyama, and how it can help with daily disappointments or concerns. Today I do have a daily Samyama practice. Samyama not only helps with difficult feelings, but it also helps me meet whatever arises in each moment, the full spectrum of all my feelings.