As I reread this chapter, I immediately saw the roots of my intuition playing out in my life.
I saw the tentative way that I mothered my children, and the fledgling awareness of my inner voice making itself known to me as I faced the so many losses.
My inner knowing was strong, yet it wasn’t quite ready to lead.
I was sad about that at first because it feels like I’ve wasted so much time not being myself. As I sit with those feelings, I realize that all the experience, all the paths with their twists and turns and all the messiness of my life, were, and are, a part of the journey to love all the parts of myself, even the parts that aren’t always so easy to love.
This chapter brought me to tears as I read about my resolve to be the best mother I could be, even though I felt like I was failing. I was the best mother I could be at that time. By staying true to that calling, being the best mother I could be, has led me to be the best person I can be, and to continue to excavate the parts of myself that need more love.
The person that I was holding on to as I traveled those early days of grief, the essence of who I am, was always present. Some days it was easier to feel her presence and other days it felt like I had been abandoned.
Leah now has a stronger place in my life. She is always present as a sacred witness to my continued unfolding. These days the unfolding has a different quality to it. My life has an ease and flow to it like it never has before. I used to struggle to be myself, now I allow myself to unfold. The struggle would always lead to self-doubt and self-recrimination. The harder I tried to beat that struggle, the tighter hold it would have on my life.
It wasn’t until I learned, through my grief journey, the necessity of letting go.
I learned to let go of the need to control every aspect of my life. I’ve learned to allow what is here to be here, and that by doing that, I give it voice, and expression.
Rereading my book is giving me gifts that I would not have noticed if I had not returned to these pages to shed a light on the totality and value of my grief journey thus far. The fullness of those gifts is yet to be revealed. I can feel them beginning to coalesce.
I’m once again humbled and grateful for this journey I am on.
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