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  • The Sound of Emotion

    Being with Grief has an on-going project called Gift Circle. The idea is that we all have gifts and that we find meaning by sharing these gifts with others. The work that I have been called to do and offer here is based on this idea.

    I grew up during the 60 & 70’s during the height of what is now called Classic Rock.

    The influence of music and sound in our lives cannot be denied. So much of our culture is wrapped up in the sounds bytes of our generation. Today, as I watch my grand daughter begin to sound out words, I have been thinking a lot about her small first words and sounds. It makes me think about interjections. You may not recognize that word but you are sure to recognize what they are. Specifically the words that come to mind are “OH”, “AH”, “EH” and “UH”. 

    So much emotion can be contained in these simple sounds. In fact, many of these simple sounds have multiple meanings. Take for example “OH”. How many times have you used this sound and in what variety of ways? OH can express passion, surprise and even disappointment depending on the emotion you are experiencing.

    I would like to extend an invitation to you to explore these simple words as a way to unlock and re-program ourselves to be more in touch with the emotion that they convey in a 30 minute “ZOOM” call. In my work, I have found that many of us are constricted in expressing our emotion due to the way we were raised. The stereotypical processing of “Be strong – Be silent and Do not show your emotion” had a profound affect on how we approach life and relationships. Being in touch with how these feeling words are used can begin the process of exploring the many emotions that we have available.

    I was either, sad, mad, glad, fearful or shamed.

    In the personal work that I have done to unlock my own limited emotional response, I realized that I had access to 5 basic emotions. I was either, sad, mad, glad, fearful or shamed. Living in this restricted emotional state did not allow me to fully appreciate and connect with my partner, my family or friends. Now after 45 years of marriage, I’d like to share some of the key ideas that kept us connected.

    Being able to express emotion in a healthy way is important to any relationship. I was made aware of how I was not in touch with some of the more complex emotions when our daughter, Leah died. My wife, Nancy has written that the death of our daughter was not only devastating to us but that Leah’s death exposed the cracks in our relationship that needed work. If you are emotionally bound and unable to provide empathy and compassion then being there for each other is simply impossible.

    There are those who would argue that being able to express emotion is not needed.

    Belief that showing emotions somehow weakens and makes you vulnerable is a limited mindset. My story demonstrates that vulnerability can make a relationships stronger. Healthy relationships and intimacy depend on the expression of emotion. My invitation to understand how emotions are conveyed in simple words demonstrate the power of sound. Being able to express even simple emotion is difficult for some. This offering is geared with this in mind by starting simple and exploring sound. I put together a program using the interjections above to express your unexpressed emotions through breath work and sound. If you are interested and would like to learn more reach out on the contact page to let me know.   

  • Anticipatory Grief – Post Surgery

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    OK, I am cheating.

    I am pre-scheduling this post to run a couple days after my surgery to talk about anticipatory grief. What is that? It is the grief that you fear is coming and that you can’t stop from happening. It is the fear that grips me now, in not knowing the outcome and what will be the result of my surgery.  It is the aftermath of the things that I will have to contend with post-surgery as I begin to heal and cope with life after prostate cancer.

    In your life you will have these moments. As your parents begin to fade in vitality and health. They will no longer be able to fully participate in their lives and you will begin to wonder, “How will I be able to handle their decline and eventually their death?”

    We, all will find anticipatory grief present in our lives. It will not just be, in the fear of death but, it will also be present in our everyday events. You have already experienced if you had a sleepless night worrying about a school test, a job interview, the closing on the new home, or that bill due at the end of the month. All these examples are little griefs that occur in our lives that we don’t recognize as grief but that fit the definition of grief.

    Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.

    From my examples, you feel conflicted about studying enough for a test, do you have the qualifications that this job is looking for, will the bank or lawyers hold up or prevent the closing on our new home or where will the money come from for that bill? These are simple recognizable examples.

    There are other occasions where we anticipate an outcome with unexpected or anticipated outcomes. How about this tiny grief? You are in traffic on the expressway, however it is not expressing. The lane next to you seems to be moving better than the one you are in, so you make your move and properly change into the faster lane only to come to a complete stop.

    Believe it or not this meets the definition of grief. A tiny one, yes. Insignificant? Well, did it have an impact on your day? Did you take your frustration out on your co-workers or your family? My point is that we do not recognize all the times when grief is present. We are not prepared when grief appears or when it is on the horizon and there is nothing we can do to change the outcome.

    We can do better at preparing for loss and its accompanying grief. We can do better at becoming more comfortable with difficult subjects. That is our mission at Being with Grief, to change the conversation around grief. When we realize that things are about to happen and as they say “Its about to go down.” Don’t shy away from the meaningful conversations, find a way to open the door to honest and authentic conversations about the important things. Find resources and turn to those experienced in what you are facing. Help is there.

       

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  • Family Vacations

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    Recently we took a family vacation with our son and his family. We went to northern MN, to the boundary waters. The lake we were at was at the Canadian border. As a matter of fact, the border was in the middle of the lake.

    Here are some photos of our trip. I think they speak for themselves.

    I also know for a fact that I would not have been able to enjoy it like I did if I had not met my grief the way that I did. (Reason 7, 468 for meeting grief when it arises in you life….:)

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  • Being Stuck

    Being Stuck

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    Over the years, Nancy and I have become aware that being stuck in grief is a problem for most of the people coming to us for grief support work. When a griever comes to us, they are acknowledging that there is a blockage. This blockage prevents them from the healing part of the journey that accompanies the loss. For me, that blockage was my own ignorance of what grief was. 

    How was I to treat the pain that I was suffering through?

    In previous posts, I have mentioned that I had a compartment that I call “the Box” to put all of the grief and pain that I felt after our daughter, Leah died. Into this box, I poured feelings of all the things that I didn’t want to acknowledge. All the birthdays, holidays, and celebrations including the graduations, weddings, child births that were never going to happen. These are the emotions that I could not afford to feel. I closed the lid on the box and made sure that I stood on the cover as I tied, taped and hermetically sealed it.

    I could not deal with feelings and emotions at the time.

    I had work to do and a family to provide for. I learned the hard way about the myths of grief, that I had to be strong, stoic, and shoulder the burden. I thought that the “Box O’Grief” was better on the top shelf of my mental closet and I made sure that the door to this compartment was locked until “I had the time” to reflect. In my mind, I would do this alone in my own time and lick my wounds where no-one could see.

    I was stuck and didn’t know it. Stuck with those many myths of grief and had no honest way of facing my feelings about her death. I had attempted to rally and carry on. I tried to be pragmatic, go back to work and to my “normal” life. What I realized was that there was no going back. I admit that at this point I slipped and began the tumble down the slippery slope. I had no-one to talk to because I had isolated myself. I had a hard time of it at work because I could not concentrate or make decisions.  I lost interest in many things and I sat in front of the television, drank too much and played video games to numb feeling.

    How do you begin to move towards healing?

    What can you do when you understand that you are stuck and blocked from feeling?  Is there a path forward? Realize that you may be on the hamster wheel, spinning in old stories of “What if” and “If Only”. Understand that you are responsible for these thoughts.

    Your mindset and what you focus on can change. How?

    I went to my closet, opened my box and began to see that I owned this grief. It wasn’t someone else’s fault. If I didn’t dig in and start sorting it out, then I wouldn’t begin to be able to heal and to start feeling again. Much of the work that I do with the Grief Recovery Method touches on these very topics. The work helped me look at my grief and my hurt in a new way. I was able to unravel and unlearn the stories I thought I knew about grief from watching my parents grieve their losses. I confronted grief and learned many new lessons. It is my invitation to you to begin your recovery journey. Seek the resources that will help you get off your hamster wheel and into a new mindset.

    It is possible, I did it!

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  • Navigating the Holidays after Grief

    Navigating the Holidays after Grief

    Every year when August hits I am reminded that the holidays are right around the corner.

    The holiday season can be stressful on it own without the added layers of grief.  Grief is a difficult emotion to describe because it is made up of so many other feelings such as sadness, anger, devastation, and so many more.  These feelings often show up in different intensities at different times.  What helps you cope one time may make you dissolve into tears the next.  Having some skills, or some alternative traditions to draw on when you find yourself hit by intense feelings can help you to cope with the holidays.  Here are a few that worked for me.

     

    • Take a look at your family traditions. Are there any that feel too painful?  Give yourself permission to do things differently or not at all this year.  You may feel differently next year.

     

    • A change of scenery may help. Traveling to a new destination can take you out of the too familiar that may be too painful for you.   You will still miss your loved one, and remember past holidays, however you will not be faced every day with constant associative memories that you are not ready to face, especially if your loss has been recent.  Even if your loss has not been so recent, take care of your own needs.

     

    • Self-care is especially important during times of stress.When I am feeling stress my grief lives right under the surface.  Give yourself some extra self-care this holiday season.  I suggest that you make a list of things that nourish you, or give you pleasure.  It is good to have this list handy when you do feel stressed or overwhelmed.  You can choose something from your list without having to think of what you want to do when you are already feeling stress. Naps can be great stress relievers, as can mindlessly doodling.

     

    Remember that grief changes with the seasons.  What worked this year may not work next year.  There is no right or wrong way to meet your grief, no timetable on when you will begin to heal.  Give yourself the time you need, honor your own process.  Each member of your family will process grief in their own way too.  You can let them know their way is ok, sometimes that is all that is needed, to know that however we are processing grief and wherever we are our grief journey is exactly right for us.

    That can be enough to allow us to relax a little and let the healing begin.

     

  • Grief Associated with Loss of Health

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    One of the fears that most people have as they age is the loss of health. I know this because as it has become a real life situation that I happen to be facing.   I am facing surgery in a couple of weeks and the fear and surrounding grief associated with this loss is taking a toll on me.

    I was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer.

    In my case, fear is irrational but it is present nonetheless. I have every reason to believe that the surgery will be successful and that I will live to a comfortable old age. Yet, there is fear and the doubt that comes from think all of the possible “What if’s” that creep into my mind. This is where the internet becomes a blessing and a curse. There is a lot of good information and options that are detailed in the various websites but there are also the horror stories of what people have had to live through.

    Based upon my diagnosis, the doctors say my options are chemo or surgery. Surgery being the surest form of treatment, it is the course that I have opted for. Knowing this, I have tried to prepare and to get my affairs in order. Nothing like facing surgery to make you consider your Health Care Directive. By the way, I encourage everyone to take the time to consider your estate and how you want to be treated if there needs to be decisions made regarding your health and you can’t make them yourself.

    Being aware and planning for something like surgery is much different than having an accident that causes you to be admitted and treated for injuries. When our son was born, we were involved in a head on collision with a drunk driver. Nancy was 8 1/2 months pregnant and the accident sent her into labor. I, on the other hand, was in another hospital miles away from her being treated (maybe re-constructed is a better word) for catching the engine of our import car in my lap.

    Also, there is a big difference of being hospitalized at 26 than it is being hospitalized at 66. At 26, I was optimistic about my recovery and looking forward to healing, getting back home, enjoying a growing family and building a budding career. At 66, I am happy to get up each morning, greet the new day and spend time with my grand daughter(s). Your priorities change and you begin to value time in a much different way.

    Each person grieves in their own way and letting go of what you are makes it possible to embrace what you will become. You can’t hold onto both. So I am resolved to accept that I will have a new normal and that together, Nancy and I will make our way through this unknown territory. That together we can bridge what is left behind and look for the best of what is yet to be.

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  • 10 Lessons I Learned from my Grief Journey

    10 Lessons I Learned from my Grief Journey

    Grief is not linear

    I used to think that I would move through each stage of grief progressively. When I completed one stage, I would move to the next, never to return again. Grief is nothing like that. It is messy and chaotic. Especially in the early days, we can be all over the place. I began to think of the stages of grief as aspects of grief. Stages to me suggested a more linear movement. I also realized that when I felt a feeling again after thinking that I was “done” with a certain stage, that when a feeling comes around again, it is a slightly different feeling.

    Everyone grieves uniquely.

    There is also no right or wrong way to grieve. This can take pressure off when we hear things like, “Aren’t you over that yet?” or “It’s time to get on with your life.”  And you may feel differently on different days, or times of the year. Listen to your own needs.  This may be difficult in the early days of grief when you are still reeling from your loss. This is a time to go slow, don’t try to do too much, be gentle with yourself.

    Grief was a doorway to transformation.

    This was a big surprise for me. I never expected to be able to live a meaningful life again after Leah died, let alone find my grief journey to be transforming. It was only after I allowed myself to feel all of my feelings that I was brought to a place off “now what?”

    Grief is nothing like I thought it was before my daughter died.

    Not because I spent time contemplating what grief would be like, I definitely did not. Yet, I remember thinking that it was not what I expected it to be. This is a good reminder that grief shows up differently at different times of our lives.

     

    I’m still the same person I’ve always been.

    Maybe even more so.  I think it’s more like grief removed all of the layers of protection I had built up so that my true self is the one who is now living the life she was meant to live.

     

    Everyone in a family has a different experience of grief, even though they are grieving the same person.

    That is because everyone has their own unique relationship with their loved one. In my own experience, my husband, son and I each had to meet our own grief before we could be of any help to each other on our grief journey. Grief brings up a lot of stuff, feelings, regrets, things we wished we could have said or done. Each of us had our stuff to work through.

    No one likes to talk about grief.

    Not even me, ok, maybe that’s not completely true, I talk about grief a lot, and I’m more comfortable talking about it now than when grief was new and raw. We don’t want to be vulnerable. Talking about our grief makes us vulnerable.  That’s why it’s important to find a safe space with someone you trust before you delve into those difficult and painful feelings.

    Grief is a Life-long Journey.

    We often think that grief arises only when we lose a loved one. Maybe you’ve discovered, as I did, that grief visits us many times throughout the course of our lives. Anytime we experience a loss, we experience grief. The loss of a pet, a job, a friend who moves away, the loss of our health, a relationship or divorce, the loss of a dream. These are just a few of the life experiences that we may go through. When we don’t recognize them as grief, they can stay underground and wreak havoc on our health, physical and emotional.

    My grief journey brings many gifts.

    This is one that had me scratching my head for a while. How could grief bring gifts? And who was I to deserve a gift after my daughter died? That was when I still believed at some level that it was my fault, and that not being deserving of gifts was a way to be punished for not keeping her safe. The gifts began arriving when I was able to bring a feeling into my heart. As my heart shifted the feeling, I would receive and insight, as well as a miraculous gift. A phone call from one of Leah’s friend telling us something about our daughter that we didn’t know. A random meeting with Leah’s favorite teacher. A lilac in my mailbox when there was not lilac bush in our neighborhood. Eventually I began view these gifts as blessings and grace, exactly what I needed to continue on my path.

    Distraction and diversion will not make my feelings go away.

    Our first response to the overwhelming intense feelings of grief is to push them away, or use a diversion or distraction like food, or TV to take our mind off of our feelings. While these can be helpful, eventually they stop working.

     

  • A Lesson From My Granddaughter

    A Lesson From My Granddaughter

    Living close to my son and his family means I get to watch my granddaughter Arya’s growth and development. At a little over 1 year old, she is currently learning to walk.  I’ve watched her progress over the last several weeks, first pulling herself up with both hands and walking along from chair to chair, then from chair to wall. She then progressed to pulling herself up and standing without support for a few minutes.  She got really fast at traversing the entire perimeter of her house, moving from furniture to wall, and back again.

    Last week she began taking 3-4 steps from furniture to wall, falling down many times throughout the day.  Each time she fell down, she pulled herself up again, this time with only one hand, and started the process all over again.

    By the end of the week she was standing on her own at times, and taking 6-8 steps in the middle of the room.  Again, falling down again and again and getting up, each time with a big smile on her face, to try again.

    She never stayed down and told herself that she wasn’t good enough to walk, or that she would never get there.  She continues to toddle (I now know why children this age are called toddlers!) find her balance and takes more and more steps on her own.

    We all were just like Arya when we were learning to walk.  We all have that determination and thrill of accomplishment in us.

    When we are working toward something and it feels hard, or elusive, and seems like we are never going achieve our goal, remember that childlike drive.  What if we would have given up when we were learning to walk? What if we remained crawlers our entire life?

    That’s what is happening when we give up too soon as adults.  Each attempt to walk gives Arya more information for her to be successful.  The same is true for us.

    Each time we strive to reach our goals, we gain valuable information about ourselves. Let’s all use that information to continue to become the best possible humans we can be.

     

  • Friendship Grief

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    Some friendships are meant to last a lifetime while some blossom beautifully and fade. There is grief associated with each of these types of friendships. What does it mean to be a friend? How can you tell a long term from a short term friendship.

    I hope that everyone has a friendship or two that time never seems to touch.

    A lifetime friendship is the kind of relationship that allows for a break of a week, a year or a decade but brings you right back to the same comfortable feeling of knowing that this friendship endures.

    The likes and dislikes may change, as even more substantial changes are bound to occur.

    When time has passed and life intervenes in ways that you can’t imagine, friendship endures. There is no expiration date no matter the circumstance. Maybe, it is a spouses death or a divorce but in essence you still connect and find comfort in being accepted for who you are. Your relationship to the other isn’t altered by the facts and you can stand authentically in your own skin with the scars and bruises both physical and emotional. If you have basked in the feeling of knowing a true lifelong friend then you have been blessed.

    The other type of friendship is a different type of blessing.

    These shorter term friendships have a different texture and feeling to them. It may start as a physical attraction. An immediate like of some characteristic or physical attribute. It may be a colleague at work who you admire for their work ethic or a particular ability. It can start as simply that they notice you and give you their attention. We all want to be recognized. It is built into our makeup that we want to shine brightly and be recognized. From these early indicators, a friendship may blossom, finding time to spend together and share some of ourselves. But being short term there seems to be a limit on what this type of friendship olds. It may be limited by a set time period, the length of a job or a semester in school. A friendship can end for any number of reasons. Moving to a new location, a breakup, new job opportunities or it may culminate in a type of lesson that we learn from and add to our life lessons.

    So how do we grieve these friendships and why are they different? Long tern friendships are only limited by, time distance or death. There isn’t a limit and it will always “just Be.”  However, I have had many friendships that have run their course. Some for the reasons I mentioned, we moved, a job ended or I learned that the friendship in some way did not serve to make me more aware of my authentic self. When this lesson arose there was no choice but to allow the friendship to fade. Over the last year or five this may have been a lesson for you. Did a friendship fade because of health concerns, political or religious beliefs that somehow conflicted with what resonated for you?

    There is such anger and mistrust in the world over concepts and beliefs that it may seem that we will never find common ground or a path forward together. There is grief present in these situations. There are uncommunicated messages that hold us back from showing understanding, from being authentic and we end up turning away. I am reminded of the Pink Floyd song, “On the Turning Away” with hope in my heart.

    “…No more turning away from the coldness inside

    Just a world that we all must share

    It’s not enough just to stand and stare

    Is it only a dream that there’ll be

    No more turning away.”

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  • What’s a Death Cafe?

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    What’s a Death Cafe?

    Another format for having those heart to heart conversations that are difficult to start can occur in the most unlikely places. There is another organization that we are affiliated with that has a funny name but does a great community service. Death Cafe seems like an unlikely name for almost anything, but how about a place serving up real information about death and everything that goes along with it?

    In another attempt to reach out to people, we came across this organization that was in the Raleigh, North Carolina area. In fact, it was started in England as a place to share information about options and resources available to the public. Things that you might know about or think about until the death of a loved one is right on top of you. That is not the best time to make decisions and so born out of the intention to provide valuable information, Death Cafe was started.

    Seems like a practical yet unconventional idea. Share what you have learned about the facts of dying? We are all going to do it one day.  So, let’s get the mystery out of it and talk with experts who have become familiar with the process.

    This included many experts from a variety of fields who attend including: funeral directors, estate planners, medicare advisors, nurses, advocates for alternative burial methods, hospice workers, death doula’s and grief support folks like us. The attendees are from all walks of life and all ages. Some looking into alternative means, some offering niche ideas and some who have recently experienced a death in the family and are looking for comfort and a place to talk about their loved one. 

    At the Raleigh, Death Cafe held at the Renaissance Funeral Home on Six Folks Road. This family business hosts the monthly meeting opening their doors for the conversations. 40-50 people will regularly attend depending on the monthly topic or featured speaker. Over the years it has become a community for people in the industry to gather and offer support to one another. Some months their will be a featured film or documentary to watch then a discussion will follow.

    One of the best features of this particular group is that they don’t take the subject of death with formality and stuffiness. These are real people that are not trying to sell you anything, are there because they want you to make informed decisions and have a wealth of knowledge to share. Keeping the flow light and lively can be a challenge when you are in the middle of a grief situation. Being mindful and respectful always goes along way to making everyone feel comfortable.

    There are Death Cafes across the united states and while each is probably unique in the way they present their material the idea goes a very long way to make certain that people have the information they need to make informed decisions and have the resource they need before they are confronted with decisions they are not prepared for. If you hesitate to explore this topic, you may be missing out on an interesting discussion and a chance to meet people that have dedicated their own time to making the process of death more understandable, relatable and less mysterious.

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