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Category: Holidays

  • Milestones and Holidays

    Milestones and Holidays

    Nothing can knock the wind out of our sails like the approach of a holiday or a milestone day.

    Even after over 21 years my daughter’s birthday can bring tears. Mother’s Day is bittersweet. The year-end holidays can bring sadness. All of these occasions also bring immense joy and celebration too. I didn’t come to this place easily.  It took attention to what I needed each year, along with the intention to listen to that guidance.

    One of the things that make holidays so difficult are the associative memories that come with them.

    Memories of Christmas tree shopping and decorating were so difficult for us that we did not put up a tree for over 15 years after the first 2 years. The first two years we tried to do things the way we always did, and the memories were too difficult. It brought all of us down, and we just wanted the holidays to be over.  We kept expecting to see Leah come bounding around the corner with her exuberance, and she wasn’t there.

    We started traveling during the holidays, visiting places we had never been before. A change of scenery helped to ease our tender hearts. We still missed her yet being in a place we hadn’t shared with her made space for us to breathe a little deeper.  So often in those first years it felt like we were holding our breath.

    Here are things that helped us, that may help you as well.

    • Change your traditions. No matter what holidays you celebrate, ask yourself what traditions are too painful right now; what new traditions can you do that will still honor your loved one? Ask this question each year because your needs may change from year to year.

     

    • As you anticipate milestone days, whether a birthday, or anniversaries of accidents and deaths, ask yourself what you need this year. Do you need to take time by yourself? Where? In nature, or at a special place to you and your loved one? Or do you need to be surrounded by friends and family.  There is no right answer, only you know what you need from year to year, and from milestone to milestone.

     

    • Make space for feelings to arise at each of these occasions. Even though you may have cultivated resources to meet your grief, the feelings at this time can be especially strong.  Allowing time to be with those feelings can help them move through.

     

    Holidays and milestone days remind us of the passage of time like nothing else does.

    We may wonder about how our lives would have been different if our loved one was still with us physically. Those musings have threatened to take me to a place of no return, to a place of wallowing in my loss, without wanting to find a way out. Yet each time I have found myself there, scrupulous devotion to my practices: Samyama, gratitude, self-care, and creativity always bring me back to myself.

    My grief journey has been about coming back to the self I didn’t even know I was missing. Everything I’ve gone through along the way is in service to that becoming.

    What practices or rituals help you come back to yourself?

     

     

     

  • Navigating the Holidays after Grief

    Navigating the Holidays after Grief

    Every year when August hits I am reminded that the holidays are right around the corner.

    The holiday season can be stressful on it own without the added layers of grief.  Grief is a difficult emotion to describe because it is made up of so many other feelings such as sadness, anger, devastation, and so many more.  These feelings often show up in different intensities at different times.  What helps you cope one time may make you dissolve into tears the next.  Having some skills, or some alternative traditions to draw on when you find yourself hit by intense feelings can help you to cope with the holidays.  Here are a few that worked for me.

     

    • Take a look at your family traditions. Are there any that feel too painful?  Give yourself permission to do things differently or not at all this year.  You may feel differently next year.

     

    • A change of scenery may help. Traveling to a new destination can take you out of the too familiar that may be too painful for you.   You will still miss your loved one, and remember past holidays, however you will not be faced every day with constant associative memories that you are not ready to face, especially if your loss has been recent.  Even if your loss has not been so recent, take care of your own needs.

     

    • Self-care is especially important during times of stress.When I am feeling stress my grief lives right under the surface.  Give yourself some extra self-care this holiday season.  I suggest that you make a list of things that nourish you, or give you pleasure.  It is good to have this list handy when you do feel stressed or overwhelmed.  You can choose something from your list without having to think of what you want to do when you are already feeling stress. Naps can be great stress relievers, as can mindlessly doodling.

     

    Remember that grief changes with the seasons.  What worked this year may not work next year.  There is no right or wrong way to meet your grief, no timetable on when you will begin to heal.  Give yourself the time you need, honor your own process.  Each member of your family will process grief in their own way too.  You can let them know their way is ok, sometimes that is all that is needed, to know that however we are processing grief and wherever we are our grief journey is exactly right for us.

    That can be enough to allow us to relax a little and let the healing begin.

     

  • The Rhythm of Time

    The Rhythm of Time

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    One of the things that I often talk about is recognizing the impact that the rhythm of time has had on my grief journey.

    All throughout my life, I’ve always been fascinated by how time can feel different, depending on what is going on.  Maybe that’s why I was so aware of the surreal quality time took on as I traveled my grief journey.

    In the very early days of my grief journey, I was aware a different rhythm to the weeks and weekends.  The weeks were spent trying to get back to normal, even though it was a new normal. The weekends had more space to feelings to arise, and I was so weary from trying to go back to a semblance of normal, that all I could do is sleep. And then Monday would come again, and I the pattern would repeat, over and over until I began to slowly do the work to change this particular rhythm.

    Another time that I noticed a different rhythm was around holidays and milestone days.

    Sometimes it was because a particular holiday held special memories for my family. Other times it is because a holiday changes the normal rhythm of our lives anyway.

    What do you notice as a holiday or milestone day approaches? Do you feel anxiety arising, and not know why?  It could be because of associative memories, or it could be the shift in the way time feels around these times.

    This year, I noticed a shift at Memorial Day because of memories of last year, as we were beginning to quarantine. What I’ve discovered is that each year brings different feelings depending on what has gone on the year before. That’s why it’s important to ask yourself each year as a holiday, or milestone day approaches, what you need this year. Each year may be different.

    When we give ourselves the space to be present to what we need now, we are able to find it.

    In the early days of my grief journey, often I found myself wishing a certain day would not come so I wouldn’t have extra time to feel those painful feelings, or I would use diversion or distraction to numb the feelings. I found that was not helpful. It did not make the feelings go away. It make them louder and more intense, and they eventually have to be felt anyway.

    When you are facing a difficult milestone, or holiday, take some time to ask yourself what you need this year, now, today. Not what worked last year or even last month.

    The more I sit in presence, the more I receive exactly what I need in each moment.

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  • Holiday traditions –an unexpected rumination

    Holiday traditions –an unexpected rumination

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    Last week I invited friends and colleagues to share some of their new holiday traditions they started, after the death of family members. I’ve received many great re-imagined traditions as families search for new meaning celebrating the holidays without their loved ones present. My good friend Nancy Ruffner shared the following. When I read it, I knew that it was much more than a post on Facebook. I asked her if I could share it as a guest blog. She opens up an important conversation. I hope you find it as valuable as I do.

     

    I did not expect this. I guess it’s true, the question arrives when we are ready for the work before us.

     

    A friend of mine had queried me and others for new holiday traditions that came about as a result of change or loss. I sat down to write my response and this all fell out.  12/12/19

     

    I believe there is so much grief woven into the holidays (of the know-it-or-not, or like-it-or-not variety). When the parents who have served in the matriarchal-patriarchal roles are no longer with us it seems that children, adult children, are unprepared to assume the role or even enjoy a tradition. Many traditions are abandoned as the participants’ expectations can never again be fulfilled. 

     

    Many people are fixed on the tradition as never changing. Isn’t that what tradition is? Our expectations become affixed on the participants, or the arrival at, or achievement of emotions more than the activity performed to get there.  

     

    I’ve begun to examine and rethink my stance on tradition. Traditions can remain, with an expectation that the participants (or year, or site, or activity, or, or, or) may change.  It’s been my expectation that has been out of whack.

     

    As we are inside the activity of a tradition over the years we enjoy and value the participants.  Kids, for instance, learn from Mom and Dad to value and enjoy putting up a tree or some other joint venture that may involve shared activity, frolic, banter, cocoa, seasonal music, whatever. The peripherals are strong ancillaries. Later that bedecked tree represents a shared sense of accomplishment, a symbol of their work, together, resulting later in pleasure and honor (“the prettiest tree ever”), there for our gazing and reflection. There may be peace. The tradition then allows us to pause, conjure up memories from the past, even several pasts. Endorphins or dopamine (for you scientific types) are triggered and released. Powerful stuff.

     

    A misalignment may occur when we confuse the strong pulls for the tradition and we place it on the participants (or year, or, place, or, or, or). For example, when Mom and Dad, matriarch-patriarch are no longer with us many a family member will find themselves somehow off-kilter, debilitated, or in a “what’s the use” -state. The loss (of participant) overtakes the willingness, not the tradition. Misaligned or misplaced emotion is the cause for many, for a year, a few years, or even permanently. 

     

    Some cannot seem to adjust to the change. I hear this often around the holidays. We view TV shows or read of folks with thin a blue funk. They are stuck, or they are DONE. No more. I’ve surely felt it, and I also still feel compelled to fix this (once a caregiver always a…) in my family. I want to enable my family to feel joy, to arrive at “that place”, to have those good feelings and memories. See that? I want them to, I want that for them. I, I, I. Keep reading.

     

    Who then is denied tradition if we declare ourselves to be stuck, or DONE with tradition? One has to wonder about the effects of a Full Stop on the next generation.

     

    Compare it to sports, to college basketball, let’s say. There is tradition in college sports. People look forward to a season. Around the sport they participate in many ways: team, coach, spectator, producers, trainers, site personnel, media, refreshments vendors and so much more. There is honor involved in this tradition. That “part of” -feeling. Pride, maybe strength.  In basketball there are leaders who age out, players also. All journey through a season with their favorite teams, reveling in a winning season, supporting during a tough one. We do not, however, stop the basketball tradition when a star player moves on to the next level or graduates, or when a beloved coach retires. Rather, we continue to support and feed the tradition, turn our sights to the shared activity while still valuing its participants. We celebrate the basketball-activity over years, through time, and the fact that it is through time. We are glad for the season’s experience. We converse about great games and epic plays of last year or last week. It binds, and it creates kinship. 

     

    This tradition carries and celebrates the shared activity. It may not be a tree and a circle of loved ones, cocoa and reflection or peace. However there is certainly the banding together to play or watch the game, the emotional crescendo as delivered by a game or season. The participants-fans are together, not the same ones or configuration every year, and specifically for this tradition. 

     

    What then is the difference? Are we (ourselves) placing too much emphasis on the participants over the shared activity-tradition? Do we place too much on the “is” or the “was” or the “must”? Is our preservation of “was” taking on desperation and abandoning joy? Are we holding tradition hostage, and if we cannot achieve it (whatever “it” means to us) then no one else shall either?  

     

    Who then is denied a tradition? And who is doing the denying? We must ask ourselves those questions and this one: 

     

    What is our gauge, truly, and is it the right gauge?

     

    I see many families struggle during the holidays yet so many others carry on with their ever- merriment. It can be bittersweet to see groups of folks not skipping a beat on the activity, incorporating the changes in personnel if you will, and having a marvelous time. It is hard for the hurting to witness the joy which may then cause the hurting to further retreat. It is hard to stand in a vacuum and know that the joy is swirling all around us, sheesh! A few will find themselves in a web that is difficult to climb out of. What will again make them willing? What will draw on a mustard seed of good times passed, or allow hope? 

     

    We as participants have an obligation to include, to invite, to tempt, cajole and even rally others into our season. Come and just be with. (It’s a No Judgment zone). Have some emotional cocoa. “Whatcha doing? Join us, won’t you?” Set the stage, open-minded and with an open heart.

     

    Those who are hurting have choice also. And choice is good, as there is enough stuff being shoved into our faces this time of year. The hurting may decide to participate as they wish, or can. Perhaps they could observe what or how someone else is tradition-ing, or has, accept a wee bit of emotional (cocoa) exchange. Perhaps they could simply be exposed to a brand new kind of activity, try something on for size and (heart) fit. The hurting can surely retain the ability to “draw or discard” (the idea or activity), but could only bear witness.  Watch, be there, and maybe even join in, if it feels comfortable. 

     

    I believe we have an obligation to others during this time of year simply to set the stage. We can be aware of those around us and afford them the right to their feelings and experiences.

     

    We also have an obligation to ourselves to be willing, and open-minded. Set the table and issue a a kind invitation.

     

    Tradition or no longer, my wish for all is the open-hearted part. 

     

    Nancy Ruffner 12/19/19

     

    Nancy Ruffner, BCPA is a Patient Advocate, Instructor, Public Speaker and owner of NAVIGATE NC LLC. She founded NAVIGATE NC, an advocacy and care management consultancy whose services help persons to navigate the medical, legal, insurance and housing challenges during change. Since 2013 the company has emerged as a fast-growing agency with a goal of becoming a market leader for patient advocacy services in the Southeast. She became a CampaignZERO Educator to furtherserve as the voice of patients and their loved ones. Nancy was among the first in the nation to earn the BCPA credential, Board Certified Patient Advocate. 

     

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  • Holidays and Milestones

    As I look at my calendar, July 4th is just around the corner. One of the things I talk about often is how holidays and milestone days can bring up associative memories that remind us of our loved ones who have died.

    The 4th of July may not be a holiday that holds those kinds of memories for you, or it may. One thing to remember is that everyone has his or her own unique memories. Your family may have had a reunion each July 4th, and this year everyone is reluctant to bring up the fact that a family member has died since last year. Maybe some family members are even reluctant to attend this year because of their discomfort. This is how family traditions change when family structures change.

    What if the family member who died is your mother, or grandmother? How do you feel about attending the yearly family gathering, whether it is around a holiday or not? Are you looking forward to remembering your loved one with other family members who share your memories? Or do the memories cause too much pain?

    Whatever your answers to these questions, remember that there are as many different responses to them as there are people in your family. What would it be like to have a conversation about everyone’s feelings and allow each person to feel like the way they are processing their grief is okay? If this isn’t a practice that is common in your family, you can take comfort in the fact that most of us have no idea of how to have these kind of difficult conversations.



    Here are some thoughts to help you. These are applicable to any holiday or milestone.

    What is difficult about this holiday?

    • Take some time to write your thoughts and feelings about this holiday. Get in touch with your thoughts. Sometimes, as a holiday or milestone day approaches, we are caught up in the anticipation and we can lose sight of our feelings.

    What do you need this year to navigate this holiday with a little more ease?

    • It may be a change of scenery for a few years, or not participating in certain activities. It’s important to ask this question every year, as your feelings may change from year to year.

    How can you honor your loved one during the holiday celebration?

    • Do you want to include their favorite food or drink in the celebration? Or will that be too hard?
    • Is there an activity you would like to include to remember them? Do you want to take time for everyone to share a memory?

    What do you want to tell your loved one this year on this occasion?

    • You can write a letter to your loved one, and invite anyone else attending to write one as well.
    • Decide what you want to do with the letter.
    • Do you want to read them aloud, or burn them in a fire?
    • Everyone may have a different answer to that question.
    • You can also share your thoughts in smaller groups. Find something that works for you and your family.

    How can you share your thoughts with other family members?

    • You may want to communicate some of these ideas with family members before the gathering.
    • Let everyone know that you acknowledge everyone’s wishes.

    Having difficult conversations may allow your holiday traditions to change in a way that keeps everyone connected. How many times have you heard a story like this? “After mom died, there was no reason for us to stay connected, she was the glue that held us together.” That doesn’t have to happen in your family. Yes, your traditions may change, but you can create a change that meets the needs of your family, and pave the way for deeper family connection. If there’s a family member who is not ready to be a part of this kind of conversation, you can keep the door open for them to join you when they are ready. You may discover new bonds forming as your family navigates difficult changes.

    You are opening the door for blessings and grace to arrive and assist you on your way.

     

  • Lessons from 2017

    As this year winds to a close, I’d like to share with you what I’ve been reflecting on for the last few weeks. At this time last year I was preparing for my book to be published and starting to think about how I was going to market it. When I revisited my musings from the end of last year, I made the intention to be more present in 2017. I knew presence would be especially important as I moved from writing my book to sharing it with the world. I was in the middle of a year of embodiment work that was clearing out remnants of old wounds and making space for me to hold my story in my body so I could speak it. I knew that I would be taken outside of my comfort zone, as my vulnerability was visible for all to see; those who read my book and those who heard my story. At the beginning of the year I still identified myself as a stutterer and I didn’t identify myself as an author.

    Through the year I listened to my own voice like never before and I found my voice; the voice I use to communicate my work. I get chills and tears as I write those words. These are just some of the things that happened this year.

    I did over 10 book events and practiced many hours for each one.
    I joined Video Mojo Toastmasters thus becoming more comfortable speaking in front of a camera.
    I took part in a workshop to develop my signature presentation.
    I began working with a voice coach and focused on bringing even more vulnerability to my signature presentation.
    I held several Samyama Circles and a Holiday Grief Workshop.

    I now identify myself as an author and when I speak from my heart, I speak fluently.

    All of these things came from presence and intentional deep listening,

    from my inner knowing based upon sacred questions I asked myself. Each of the things I listed above are all things I previously resisted or refused to do earlier in my life. As the capacity in my body expanded, as I released old stuff, my own yearnings were allowed to be there. For some reason, maybe because I had released the wounds that made me resistant in the first place, as each one of these things arrived in my life I welcomed them with an open heart. That doesn’t mean there wasn’t still some apprehension, there was, and because they all arose from my intentional inquiry, I trusted that each one was the right step at the right time. My accomplishments this year far exceeded what I wrote down in my journal that I hoped to accomplish.

    It feels like another experience of alchemy; entering this year with an open heart,

    willing to do whatever I was moved to do from my inner guidance, and receiving so much more because I trusted the process. I never expected to ever get comfortable talking, let alone talking about the most vulnerable experiences of my life. As I entered the darkness of the solstice, I continued reflecting on where I have been and asked for guidance for where I am going next year, and what my focus will be.

    What I know for sure right now is that I will complete my new signature presentation. After I returned from my books tour in Chicago, I was moved to bring more of my own story into my presentations. A part of my story that is even more vulnerable because it brings up some unpleasant memories from my childhood. It’s important because without those experiences, I would not be able to bring my work into the world in the way I’m being called to do so.

    I’ll also be planning and offering some exciting new programs and workshops in 2018. These came from a compilation of all of the lessons and experiences that I learned this year.

    I continue to be grateful and astounded that I can participate fully in my life, holding so much joy in one hand, and an equal amount of sadness in my other hand. That may be the most profound lesson of 2017. I can be joyful and sad at the same time and neither one takes away from the other. They are both valid feelings and can coexist.

    I invite you to reflect on the lessons that are yours this year.

    Is what are you pushing away exactly what you need to invite into your life to grow? What needs to be released to make room for something else?
    Welcome everything and see what happens.

  • New Year Reflections

    It’s that time of the year again.

    Time to reflect on the year that went before, and make intentions for the year spread out in front of us. For most of my life as the year waned, I would look back on the past year and berate myself for all the ways I perceived failure in my life and how the new year offered me a clean slate to finally get it right. I would resolve to eat less, exercise more, be the best mother I could be to my children, find my potential and finally live up to it, and on and on. Sound familiar?

    A few years ago I was done with the new years resolution treadmill.

    It felt like it set me up for failure rather than provide a roadmap for new goals that would become a part of my daily life that led to a better me. That year I began making a list of celebrations from the past year and making a list of what I wanted to accomplish as I went forward.

    Sometime during this past year I refined my process further. This year I published my book. Along the way this process provided challenges and achievements to celebrate every step of the way. It provided me with course corrections that couldn’t wait for another year to pass, it took me deeper into the practice of presence and discerning for myself what would support me as I took on what seemed like a gargantuan task at the beginning of the year. One of my goals at the end of last year was to publish my book, and if truth be told, I made that intention without really believing in my ability to do so. After I made that goal I heard a little voice inside say, “Other people are authors, you’re not an author.”

    A part of my process this year was unraveling that story and meeting all of the doubts and fears that were hiding in the cracks and crevices as the story disintegrated.

    I went on another turn of my grief spiral as I revisited the events of Leah’s death and how I was feeling in the early years of missing her. My life went through another round of deconstruction during this process. As stories that no longer served me fell away, I had to learn how to cultivate a structure to my life and my body that was strong enough and flexible enough to hold this new work that was longing to be born. This was a part of the process that surprised me, and it was a part that I eventually welcomed because it allowed me access to parts of myself that were long hidden.

    Another experience this year also assisted with my new emergence. Dan and I celebrated our 40th anniversary with a trip to France; 3 days in Paris and a 10-day river cruise on the Saone and Rhone Rivers.

    After returning from our French vacation, and we both brought with us a nasty bug that had us in bed for a week. It was the worst cold I have had in a long time. There was nothing I could do but surrender to my body and let her have the time she needed to heal and integrate whatever was going on. I realized that my grief journey has completely changed the way I meet my life, including how I experienced this particular cold. While I did want to feel better, I didn’t push it. I relaxed as much as I could into my body, without trying to make things different. I had an experience on my trip that also illustrates how my grief journey has informed the rest of my life.

    While we were in Paris, we did a bus tour of the city, which took us to Notre Dame Cathedral. I’d been looking forward to seeing Notre Dame ever since Art History Class in college. As I crossed the square approaching Notre Dame, my eyes started filling with tears. I felt all of the history and splendor of the cathedral, the flying buttresses, the rose window, the arches, all of it just as described in those art history classes over 30 years ago, I was in awe. As I entered the nave the tears continued to well. I looked over at Dan and his eyes were filling too. I stood there for a moment and let myself fully experience standing in Notre Dame.

    Every cell of my body was having the experience. I really have no words for what happened.

    When we returned to our hotel I reflected on my experience at Notre Dame. I realized that the lessons I learned as I traveled my grief journey had served me well in every area of my life, not just my grief journey. I learned to feel all of my feelings whenever they arose, even when I was standing in front of Notre Dame Cathedral.

    In that moment I had a flash of a conversation I had with someone about what is on my bucket list. At the time of the conversation I couldn’t come up with anything on my list and both my friend and I wondered why that was. After my experience at Notre Dame, I knew why I couldn’t come up with a list of things to check off before I die. I knew that I want to fully experience everything I see and everywhere I go as I continue to live my life. Everywhere I am called to visit can evoke feelings and experiences connecting me to people and places that provide deep life experiences. Certainly Paris, the Eiffel Tower, and Notre Dame were amazing places to visit and I reveled in the experience.

    What is the connection between this experience and the experience of bringing my book to into world?

    Both experiences took me out of my comfort zone.

    They both opened my eyes to more possibilities and also forced me to look at dismantling old patterns that no longer worked for me. In the process of that dismantling I had to go deep inside and listen to my own wisdom; listen to what worked for me and not listen to society’s or other expert’s advice or validation.

    I was reminded in a profound way that being present in each moment, feeling my feelings fully, and being open to those possibilities can happen anywhere and everywhere. I was reminded that when I live my life with an open heart I will be led to experiences that will fill my life with what I need at exactly the right time.

  • How Grief Changes Holidays

    While visiting our son this month, I had another moment when the gift of being present revealed itself. In our work, the subject of death and dying is common. When we think of our own demise, it always seems like a lifetime removed from our daily concerns. I had one of those moments of clarity that put life into perspective for me.

    As summer turned to fall and fall to winter, I found myself reflecting on coming into the winter of my years. The average age of death for a US citizen is about 80 years old so, for me, the math is simple. 80 years divided by 4 seasons is roughly 20 years per season. With my 62nd birthday just past, I am coming into the last season of my life. While I recoil from the bindings of age upon my body, my mind has to accept that I can’t change time. The number of years, slowly and inexorably, releases those granular events we call memory.

    I am still making memories even as I take pleasure in the remembrances of long ago. For example, Nancy and I find joy in growing a garden and canning preserves. We spent most of a weekend creating and processing salsa verde. This, along with all the experiences I have collected through my life, help shape the person I have become. The big and the small events of life are the building blocks that form our personalities. It is slogging through a tedious work week and enjoying weekends, vacations, and times spent with friends. It is every time we have laughed, cried, became infuriated, or felt depressed. It is our responses to the occasions of winning and losing, getting a gift, losing a job, making a baby smile, or learning something new. It is these day-to-day experiences, as well as the big events like births and deaths that, if we are lucky, we realize make us who we are.

    For me, recognizing these moments and being open to the experiences that life provides helps me during the holidays. Not all life experiences are positive, but each experience is meant for you. Grief is like that and when it shows up during the holidays consider these thoughts:

    Grieving is natural and normal.

    You are in a real situation and experiencing a real human process. You are trying to figure out what steps to take next.

    Rushing yourself is not helpful.

    Take your time. Feel what you feel on your own timeline.

    Other people may minimize your experience because they perceive it as an insignificant loss or not a loss at all. Be aware of this in others.

    Recognize phrases that are inherently shaming your grief.

    Phrases such as: ”Negative thoughts are bad” or “Change your thoughts, change your life” are oversimplifications of complex philosophical ideas. These phrases often come off as oppressive.

    Recognize that grief felt at a holiday may feel familiar because it has echoes of other older griefs that we may have experienced. Old grief can be triggered through the physical experiences of new grief situations.

    Remember there is a diversity of meaning and experience in each person’s grief.

    Those who are grieving are not necessarily grieving the same way as their family or their friends. Do not assume you know what someone is feeling. Exercise curiosity.

    If you are feeling grief, don’t forget to tend to your feelings and care for yourself.

    When you can’t control what is happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what is happening. That is where your power lies.

    Dan

  • Feeling All of Your Feelings

    I have been thinking a lot about feelings lately. Social media inundates everyone with demands to think positively, to be happy, and to not wallow in negative feelings.

    The double dose of holiday cheer, followed by New Year’s resolutions to think positively, can make you wonder what is wrong with you and you can feel like a failure for not living up to societal expectations.

    Dealing with a loss, whether the loss of a loved one or adjusting to the repercussions of a life-changing event, can put more pressure on you and compound the feelings of failure.

    While I like to feel happy as much as the next person, I know that it impossible for me to feel true happiness and joy without feeling sadness and pain too. When we try to be happy without feeling the full emotional spectrum happiness can feel forced and untrue maybe even making us feel like a fraud. This confliction can further the sense of failure since the world places a high stake on happiness and feeling good.

    Why do we shy away from feelings that are labeled as negative? Feelings are neither “good” nor “bad”.

    All feelings just want to be met.

    Negative emotions that get a bad rap may feel bigger and more overwhelming than the so called good feelings. Let’s face it, when we feel sad or in pain we often do not know what to do, we do not know how to feel these feelings. In a world that values feeling good and shiny happy people, we are not taught how to be with uncomfortable feelings let alone embracing them and allowing them to be felt completely.

    Michael Brown, author of The Presence Process says, “It’s not about feeling better, it’s about getting better at feeling.” I love this quote. He is telling us that the way to authentic happiness is by feeling all our emotions; “good” or “bad”. I learned this for myself through my own grief journey.

    I did not expect this to happen. So, how did I learn it? Simply by allowing myself to feel whatever I was feeling. Intolerable feelings are not limited to those grieving a loss. We all avoid uncomfortable feelings.

    These unbearable feelings often feel too big for us to face; they feel overwhelming. But all feelings want to be met and seen. You will find that when you allow yourself to feel a difficult feeling in your heart its immensity it will shift and begin to calm down. It needed to be bigger than it is so it could get your attention. When you meet your feelings in your heart, you begin to feel safe. The safer you feel, the longer you will be able to engage your feeling.

    The practice of Samyama is one way to begin to bring your feelings to your heart.

    Samyama offers a safe place for all your feelings to be held. In your heart you are able to let your feelings out one at a time so they will not gang up on you and make you feel consumed by grief or devastation. You begin to trust your heart, the process, and your feelings. You relax. Relaxation allows you open the door to your heart even wider and begin to feel amazement, wonder, gratitude, peace, and yes, even happiness.

  • Holidays Can Be Difficult

    Before Dan and I knew it, we found ourselves smack in the middle of another holiday season. This year we spent Thanksgiving at the outer banks with friends. It was our first visit there and like most holidays we are always ready to spend it in a way that does not resemble holidays of the past. We visited the beach, Currituck Lighthouse, Bode Lighthouse and the Kitty Hawk monument. We also laughed and ate with friends, old and new.

    I had one moment of intense longing, longing for a moment that can never exist, one with our family,

    the four of us around that table sharing a Thanksgiving meal. The last time that took place was 16 years ago. In that moment, tears sprang to my eyes and I allowed the sadness to fill my heart, and held it there while I breathed and remembered. The moment passed, and I returned to this year’s gathering.

    Holidays are difficult for many people.

    Sometimes it is because we are missing a loved one and we are remembering Thanksgivings or Christmases of the past. Sometimes it is because our holiday celebrations did not measure up to our expectations, or they somehow fell short of our desires. We may go through the holidays in a haze of depression, closing ourselves off from what may seem like false cheer that permeates every where we go, from the mall to our place of employment.

    How can we create an atmosphere that is comfortable for us?

    Possibly even one in which we want to participate?

    One way to do this is to ask ourselves some questions: How do we want to celebrate?
    What traditions do we want to keep from our past? What are we ready to let go of?

    What new activities or traditions will fill our soul today?

    As you ask yourself these questions, allow yourself to feel into them. Perhaps you can write about them. Let your imagination go, and write from your heart.

    Ask your inner child what she, or he wants, give them an experience they did not have as a child.

    Be kind to yourself, you do not have to participate in any activities that do not feel authentic, makes you uncomfortable, or are too painful.

    Find an activity that makes you feel inspired, nurtured or playful.

    You may still find that your holidays contain difficult moments and memories. When you are caring for yourself in a way that makes you feel inspired and nourished you will have

    a greater capacity to be with your difficult and uncomfortable feelings. You will move through them in a new way. You may even gain insights into your past that will help you to create an even better experience for yourself in the present.

    As we begin to forge new traditions and create new memories that are in alignment with our authentic selves we begin to relax and enjoy the moments of our days that create our life. We begin to live the lives we are meant to live.