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Category: Transformation

  • Striving for Perfection

    What comes up for you when you hear the word perfection?

    Many of us spend our lives striving for perfection, believing that we cannot live the life of our dreams until we reach this illusive quality. We put conditions on ourselves and beat ourselves up when we are not able to achieve what we perceive as perfection. We think of ourselves as failures because we have not been able to live up to a version of ourselves that lives only in our heads.

    Let’s spend a few moments talking about that perception.

    When we try to achieve our version of perfection we set ourselves up for that failure. How do I know? I spent many years in that place and I would be willing to bet many of you have as well. I tried to be something or someone I thought others wanted me to be, or thought I should be. I believed the stories I told myself about how I could not be happy until I reached an unattainable level of flawlessness. That included not only how I looked, but also how much I weighed, the size of my thighs or my stomach. I tried for years to get my curly hair to be straight, torturing myself with every method I found in magazines to straighten it, everything from ironing it to sleeping on huge rollers the night before class pictures. It was a temporary fix at best, and with the rain and humidity, the curls came back and with them my sense of failure; failure to conform to someone else’s view of how I should look.

    Why do we listen to these stories about perfection? The underlying reason is we want to be loved and accepted. This constant striving to believe someone else’s idea of what we should look like, or how much we should weigh, or how we should act, can drive us more than a little crazy. Self-abuse lives right around the corner from perfection. Think about that for a minute. When we do not achieve our version of perfection, we beat ourselves up. We may engage in self hate talk, or tell ourselves there are things we cannot do until we reach an imaginary unattainable goal.

    Can you relate? Have you ever told yourself that you cannot wear a certain outfit until you lose that last 5 or 10 pounds, or that you do not deserve to go somewhere or have something until you look a certain way? There is no limit to the things we tell ourselves in the quest to find perfection.

    What if I told you if you stopped beating yourself up and loved yourself the way you are now, and gave your self permission to do the things you have been putting off until you achieve that unattainable goal, that you will have a better chance of getting what you want.

    You will be enjoying your life now instead of waiting.

    How is this possible? It is possible because when you start experiencing pleasure in your life now instead of putting off enjoying life until you think you are more worthy you relax. When you relax, you can slow down long enough to recognize your true essence, find your own rhythm, and the things that truly bring you pleasure. When you begin dancing now instead of waiting until you lose enough weight to look good dancing you experience the pure joy of dancing. That is where the alchemy is, in the joy of listening to your soul and doing what brings it joy.

    A few days ago I found out that the “contact me” link on my website was not working.

    I was duly horrified.

    It was tested and it worked when my website first went live. I began to lambast myself for having a broken link on my website and wondered what someone who tried to contact me thought when I did not respond. It is hard enough for someone to gather courage to ask for help with their grief journey and here I was not responding when they did. I could have continued on this track until I convinced myself that I was useless and that I did not deserve to be helping people in this way, I did not deserve to publish my book, I did not deserve to…, but I stopped and took a deep breath.

    Yes, it was deeply disturbing that people may have tried to contacted me and did not get a response but I reminded myself that I am human, the people who put my website together are human, and that the issue is fixed now. I said a prayer for anyone who contacted me and did not get a response, that they found what they needed. I also forgave myself for berating myself up about it. Yes, I am still horrified and embarrassed, and I have given myself permission to be imperfect and human. I want to give you the same permission.

    When you find yourself beating yourself up, or telling yourself you cannot do “x” until you achieve “y,” there are ways to put an end to that construct and begin to move out of the self-abuse pattern and into a self-acceptance pattern.

    Make a list of all the things you want to do and find yourself putting off. There may be many stories you are telling yourself about why you are putting them off. For this exercise, just write down all the things you want to do; do not censure yourself.

    Make a list of everything that brings you pleasure; activities, people, places, food, and so on.

    Continue to add to both lists as you think of more things.

    Now look at both lists and choose one item from each that you can do right now. Pick anything because you do not have to wait until you attain perfection before you let yourself do it.

    Contemplate how you feel when you give yourself permission to enjoy your life now.

    Each day look at your lists and make a choice to enjoy life now rather than putting it off until you achieve the unachievable. The more you engage in your life now the more you will become familiar with what will bring you joy. The more you live a joyful life the better care you will take of yourself, your body, your spirit, and your essence. You do not have to wait to reach a version of yourself deemed beautiful by someone else’s standards because you are taking care of yourself from a deeper place, from a place of respect and loving-kindness.

  • Break Out of Your Trance

    Last time I wrote to you I was getting ready to send the first draft of my book to my editor.

    Since that time, I have done that, had a phone consult with him to look at content and structure of my book, begun rewrites, and met with someone to set up the deadlines necessary to get my book to publish. I have also learned a whole lot about the publishing process. Whew! That is a whirlwind of activity.

    At the same time I am refining my programs and making their reach broader so I can help not only those who are grieving a loss, but also anyone who wants to live a life worth living. As I looked at everything I have on my plate right now, it was clear to me that I needed to change a few things in order to stay focused and not get burned out.

    I knew that I could do everything that I wanted to do if I took a closer look at how I was spending my time.

    I also began to look at my patterns, the way I moved through my day and through my week. I noticed when I tended to veg out, where and when my energy lagged, and when I felt most energetic. I began experimenting, changing things around a bit, all the while noticing the effect on my focus and my energy.

    In a lot of ways it feels like this is an advanced level of finding my own rhythm, something I have been working on since I took early retirement almost three years ago. I am very adaptable and I am finding that can work for and against me. When I do not have enough of a structure in my life, I can “adapt away my day” in other words I can distract myself and loose my focus.

    I decided to join a three month Awakened Accountability group.

    This is providing me with a structure and accountability as I create a schedule for the rewrites of my book, the writing for my programs and the support I need as I move through this time. I have created my own supportive structure. Some of these things are self-care, creativity, play, and good nourishment. When I get busy, play and self-care are the first things that go. Good nourishment is a close second. I get so wrapped up in meeting my deadlines that I forget that taking care of myself will help me meet them in a better, less stressful way. I need to break out of my trance of busy-ness so I can be fully present not only to my writing, but also to everything else that makes my life worth living.

    How can you break out of your trance so that you can have more access to the best parts of your day to accomplish what is most important to you? Here are a few things to try.

    1.  Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish. Write down everything that is important to you and prioritize your list.
    2. Is there a special project you want to take on? If so, make a list of all the components of your project and assign deadlines to each component. How does your special project fit into the list you made in #1?
    3. What kind of self-care and creative endeavor or play do you need to have the energy and inspiration to stay focused on your list? Be specific here: what, how often, and how long.
    4. What stories do you tell yourself about why you do not need self-care or play? Take some time to examine your stories. Where do they come from? Are they even yours, or did you take them on from someone else? What could you do if you did not have this story? Do some writing here, and continue to come back to them. If you know Samyama, it can help you unravel your stories.
    5. Look at your schedule now. Are there patterns you can shift around to access more time in your day? Maybe if you did some movement as play first thing in the morning you would then have more energy later in the day to focus on your project. Or maybe taking a few minutes in the middle of the day to walk outside would make a difference. Experiment and see how you can switch it up and what effect that may have on your energy, your time, or your focus. You can always change it up again if something does not feel right.
    6. Make some time each week to reassess your schedule and your priorities. Pay attention to how you feel, your energy levels at different times of the day and after creativity and play. Notice the difference even a small adjustment to your day or week can make to your schedule.

    We often get stuck in a way of doing things that no longer serves us.

    Maybe it did at one time in our lives, but as we evolve and become more aware of our hopes and dreams the old ways do not have the desired effect any longer. When you find yourself repeating a behavior time after time, yet wanting different results, it is time to take a closer look at your patterns and break out of your own trance.

    Do not be afraid to ask for help. Having someone to help you be accountable can go a long way to help you unravel your limiting stories and find your own rhythm.

  • Progress on My Book

    The last few months have seen me spending an abundance of time on my book.

    Late last year, as I was reflecting on 2015 and looking forward to this year, the top goal on my list was to publish my book. To go from forthcoming author to published author. I knew, in order to do that, I would have to provide myself with enough structure or I would find myself at the end of 2016 making the same goal for 2017. Early this year I set the intention to have the first draft of my book to my editor by the end of March. At the time it seemed like a long time away, yet here it is the last week of March. Each week I scheduled writing time in my calendar so now I find myself ready to send off my draft. I found writing for my book has been a different experience than any other kind of writing I have been doing; writing for my newsletter, blogging or marketing. It often took precedence over all my other writing due to my deadline. It feels wonderful to not only meet my goal but to be a little closer to actually publishing the book.

    As I get ready to send off my precious document, I am feeling vulnerable and exposed.

    Not only because someone will be reading it and commenting on it, but because it will eventually be out in the world. Anyone who reads it will know my story. I wonder if it will open me to ridicule and criticism; or if people will find it helpful. My experience while writing was much like most of my writing experiences; the writing itself feels like it comes through me, like I am merely the mechanism for capturing the words.

    Writing was a necessity because a force outside myself was compelling words to paper.

    I originally intended to write an eBook. When I shared this with my writing coach last summer, he told me my words needed to be in a physical book. A book that could be held in one’s hand or be given to someone in need. Thinking about making a physical manifestation of my work made me take a big gulp before diving back in to do the revisions necessary for a real book. Each time I read the chapters it becomes clearer to me that this is the right path for this book; a physical representation of my journey through the initiation of Leah’s death. An eBook would have been safer, more elusive; an actual book cannot be denied much like the pain of losing my daughter cannot be denied.

    Writing my story took me back to the days of my early grief, of my feelings after her accident, of the hospital and of the days following her death. I was glimpsing them from afar and at the same time reliving them. The tears came as I was transported back to the events that have had the power to completely transform my life. Remembering my path has made me better able to understand my client’s journeys.

    Writing my story has clarified my work.

    It has brought me to a place of deep gratitude for this work, for myself and for others. It has redefined my work, not only for those grieving the loss of a loved one, but for the grief that arises from loss of a relationship, job, health, or any time life turns out differently than you thought it would. I often wish there was another word other than grief to talk about what I do. People often do not want to talk about it and turn away from it until the grief becomes too big to deny. At those times, it can be so big that it is overwhelming and messier to untangle than if the feelings were met when they first came up. I have become comfortable talking about grief and being with the uncomfortable feelings that make up grief, both my own and my clients. I humbly recognize and accept this as one of my greatest gifts. I could have only come to this point by walking through this path myself.

    When I talk about what’s possible with both my transformation and my grief clients it becomes clear to me that both groups can lack inspiration or feel trapped in a life that no longer makes sense. Maybe someone who is looking for a way to transform their life has underlying unresolved grief issues. As I look at the broader reach of my work I realize that everybody enters this work at their own entry point; the place that they arrive at when they are no longer willing to settle for a life that does not make sense, when they are ready to find out what their true purpose in life is, or when limiting stories have kept them stuck in a life that does not serve their highest vision.

    As with every other part of my journey, writing this book at this time is important for what is coming next. My work in the world has been enriched by this experience and it will continue to be so as I bring my book into the world and allow others a more thorough glimpse into my journey.

  • Spring and Transformation

    The weather in Raleigh was warm this week. Each day as I walked around my yard I watched life returning to my plants. Early in the week there was just the hint of green on the end of my blueberry bushes, my elderberry bushes, and my peach tree. As I cleared away leaves from some beds I saw tiny columbine leaves pushing their way through the mulch. Each morning I went out to watch the progress. It seemed like, if I stood there long enough, I would have been able to see the growth. One morning I saw the smallest pink tinge on the azalea bushes. The next day there were dainty pink petals peeking out from the cherries. By the end of the week it was undeniable, the cherries had full blossoms. The azalea blooms were increasing. Buds appeared on the peach tree. Yes, spring is definitely arriving.

    Spring arrives every year without fail.

    Sometimes it comes earlier than others depending on the sun and rainfall, sometimes it is short lived, and it may surprise us, but it always arrives. Why is spring such a welcome sight? When the weather begins to turn warmer and the plants and trees start to bud we are ready for a change. We have just spent several months in colder weather, maybe with snow or ice. The landscape looks barren, with no leaves on the trees and nothing in bloom. Spring brings the hope of longer, warmer days. Spring brings the promise of new life, not only for the plants but also for our spirits. We may feel like we are coming alive again after a long hibernation. Nature is a great teacher. The seasons model life cycles for us: dying, death, rebirth, and lush full life. Each season conspires to teach us valuable lessons if we pay attention.

    There is a correlation between the lessons of nature and the work I do.

    In the spring we often feel our hearts longing more urgently. Just like the sun and warmth urges the plants to grow and bloom, the promise of new life stirs our desires, our ache to create a new life, maybe a life we have always dreamt about, or a pining for clarity, a way to feel calmer and less stressed in your everyday life, or maybe you long to have more confidence. I have been noticing another connection, one between grief work and transformational work. I often find that the journeys are similar.

    My approach to grief and loss work is that they offer an opening into transformational work.

    Clients who begin working with me on grief issues discover that their grief journey is calling them to a higher place. Clients who begin working with me to gain clarity in their lives discover unresolved grief enmeshed in their stories. When we begin to address a feeling of dissatisfaction in the direction of our lives, we often find unresolved grief is an underlying cause. As you travel further along your life’s journey, many of these themes arise. In my work with grief clients we explore ways to distress, incorporate self- care and creativity. Samyama helps us learn how to bring our feelings to our hearts and untangle the stories we tell ourselves. These are all practices that can be applied to any life transformation.

    Because of the similarities, I am able to offer my work to a broader audience.

    Are you feeling overwhelmed and stressed out? Are you unclear on the direction of your life? Do you long for more passion in your life?
    Do you long for a life filled with abundance? Do you long to be more confident?

    Do you long to live a more meaningful life?
    Do you long to live a life in alignment with your desires?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, my work can help you. I invite you into a personal conversation with me to discern your next step, to see if we are a good fit to work together.

  • Sacred Economy

    I have been exploring Sacred Economy in alignment with Charles Eisenstein’s work for some time now. What does this mean? Charles Eisenstein discusses it in depth in his book Sacred Economics.

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    What it means for me right now is I will share my gifts with my clients for a nominal fee that will cover my cost for being in business. In return I ask to be gifted with an amount equal to the value received.

    More importantly it means moving from a scarcity consciousness to an abundance consciousness.

    It means trusting that all my needs are always taken care of. It means that when I give my gift to the world in the way I am meant to give it and use my God given talents that I have developed further, that I will be taken care of beyond my wildest dreams.

    When someone enters into an agreement to work with me in this way, we both begin to change the consciousness around money and livelihood.

    When we move into a new paradigm of abundance in one area of our life, it begins to shift all areas of your life. The same is true of scarcity. If you live in a scarcity mindset around money, scarcity permeates all aspects of your life.

    What does it mean to live from scarcity? Let’s take a look at language that is used to talk about money.
    Do you often say you cannot afford things?
    Do you run out of money before the end of the month?
    Do you have to scrape something together?
    Do you rob Peter to pay Paul?

    All of us have lived from a place of scarcity; it is the way we were conditioned. There were many times when I was living there that we needed money for something, a specific amount of money for an unexpected expense. In those moments, when we truly did not know where the money was going to come from, I always surrendered and trusted that whatever we needed would come to us and I did not need to know how it was going to happen. Mind you this was way before I started on my journey of trusting my intuition, of investigating abundance, and of looking into sacred economics. Each time I did that the money always came, each and every time without fail. Maybe that was the beginning of my learning to trust that my needs would be taken care of before I could name it as that. Maybe that was planting the seeds to further investigate sacred economy. Whatever it was, it impressed upon me what happens when we let go of expectations and trust we are in good hands.

    As I have grown my business, whenever I go deep inside to ask my inner wisdom for guidance, changing the structure of how I get paid has been jockeying for attention. I even put it out on Facebook last August to see what would happen. You can bet that every time I get close to stepping fully into this new system, the stories come roaring into my thoughts. Stories based on fear. Scarcity and fear go hand in hand. When I lived full time in scarcity fear was my constant companion.

    Fear kept me from living my life fully.

    Fear kept me safe or so I thought. I am sure you have heard that real growth happens just outside your comfort zone. That is true, and the more I lived from abundance, the more my comfort zone expanded. The more it expanded, the more I grew, the more abundant my life got and the more I was urged to take a closer look at sacred economy. I wrote about it, prayed about it, sat with it, and each time I was ready to fully implement it, the fear came back. My stories wondered if I would be taken advantage of, if I would not make enough to pay my bills, if anyone would find value in the work I am doing in the world.

    Eventually it became more difficult to ignore the urging than to follow my guidance.

    Yes, fear still does make its way into my life. The difference these days is that I get curious about that fear, about what growth is possible if I enter that particular uncomfortable place. The last vestige of scarcity still tries to hold me back from radically trusting that this is an abundant world where my needs as well as everyone else’s needs will always be met. As I write about scarcity I can feel my body constricting, getting smaller, my breath shallow.

    Do you feel it too as you read this? Take a deep breath with me. Expand our belly with your breath, feel your body relax and expand. Breathe in abundance and love and gratitude.

    Gratitude and love live in the same neighborhood as abundance.

    My body expands when I live there, and as I take a stand and say out loud and publicly that I now operate my business in a sacred economy consciousness I do so with gratitude.

    There are many good coaches out there who teach money mindset and abundance. I am not one of them. I have learned from several that when we begin to live in abundance we will recognize how it affects other areas of our lives. There will be enough money, gifts and resources for all of us to live a life that sustains us completely. Peter and Paul can both have what they need, and we can all relax in the knowledge that not only do we have enough; we are enough.

    I have a crazy notion that one day we will not need money.

    That everyone living from abundance will freely share their gifts with the world and we will all have our needs met in ways we can only imagine now. For now though money is the currency that provides our needs. By bringing consciousness to our spending and our earning, to our gifting and receiving we are changing the world.

  • Feeling All of Your Feelings

    I have been thinking a lot about feelings lately. Social media inundates everyone with demands to think positively, to be happy, and to not wallow in negative feelings.

    The double dose of holiday cheer, followed by New Year’s resolutions to think positively, can make you wonder what is wrong with you and you can feel like a failure for not living up to societal expectations.

    Dealing with a loss, whether the loss of a loved one or adjusting to the repercussions of a life-changing event, can put more pressure on you and compound the feelings of failure.

    While I like to feel happy as much as the next person, I know that it impossible for me to feel true happiness and joy without feeling sadness and pain too. When we try to be happy without feeling the full emotional spectrum happiness can feel forced and untrue maybe even making us feel like a fraud. This confliction can further the sense of failure since the world places a high stake on happiness and feeling good.

    Why do we shy away from feelings that are labeled as negative? Feelings are neither “good” nor “bad”.

    All feelings just want to be met.

    Negative emotions that get a bad rap may feel bigger and more overwhelming than the so called good feelings. Let’s face it, when we feel sad or in pain we often do not know what to do, we do not know how to feel these feelings. In a world that values feeling good and shiny happy people, we are not taught how to be with uncomfortable feelings let alone embracing them and allowing them to be felt completely.

    Michael Brown, author of The Presence Process says, “It’s not about feeling better, it’s about getting better at feeling.” I love this quote. He is telling us that the way to authentic happiness is by feeling all our emotions; “good” or “bad”. I learned this for myself through my own grief journey.

    I did not expect this to happen. So, how did I learn it? Simply by allowing myself to feel whatever I was feeling. Intolerable feelings are not limited to those grieving a loss. We all avoid uncomfortable feelings.

    These unbearable feelings often feel too big for us to face; they feel overwhelming. But all feelings want to be met and seen. You will find that when you allow yourself to feel a difficult feeling in your heart its immensity it will shift and begin to calm down. It needed to be bigger than it is so it could get your attention. When you meet your feelings in your heart, you begin to feel safe. The safer you feel, the longer you will be able to engage your feeling.

    The practice of Samyama is one way to begin to bring your feelings to your heart.

    Samyama offers a safe place for all your feelings to be held. In your heart you are able to let your feelings out one at a time so they will not gang up on you and make you feel consumed by grief or devastation. You begin to trust your heart, the process, and your feelings. You relax. Relaxation allows you open the door to your heart even wider and begin to feel amazement, wonder, gratitude, peace, and yes, even happiness.

  • Big Milestones

    The 15th anniversary of Leah’s accident and death was last week. This year’s experience was nothing like any of the preceding years and brought a few surprises. The previous weekend we visited our son in Minneapolis. We had a nourishing visit as always. We laughed and talked about silly and important things. We received lots of really good hugs. On my way home I thought to myself that this was a good way to start the week, it will ease some of the pain.

    I was completely surprised that on the exact date and time I learned of Leah’s accident that I began to cry. It was one of those cries that felt bottomless; that if I gave in to it I would drop so far down into the well of grief that I would not come out. I did not want to go to that well. I am tired of the flood of feelings. I asked myself, haven’t I endured these emotions long enough? And the truth is, no.

    Resisting feeling makes the suffering greater.

    Resisting dams up the grief and it begins to feel overwhelming, like I am going to burst. Resisting going there prolongs the pain.

    So I let myself feel the pain.

    I let the tears come exactly as they showed up.
    I let myself, once again, feel the helplessness of not being able to help my daughter live. I let myself feel the sadness of missing her.

    Each day for five days I let my grief come in waves. My energy was low all week, I felt sad, sadder than I have for a while. All week long I relived memories of her, really good memories. Memories that made me smile and laugh. For the first time in a long time I hear her songs on the radio. And I cried. Tears sprang up at surprising intervals, out of nowhere, or so it seemed. Through it all I could not wrap my head around 15 years.

    15 years without seeing her light.

    15 years without touching her.

    15 years without an eye roll.

    15 long years.

    On the sixth day, the actual anniversary of her death, I emerged with new insights. I felt strong. I felt like myself again. My sadness was lifting. This round of the grief spiral provided me with insights into my clients and perspective clients hesitancy to enter their own grief journey. The fear that is felt when we enter the unknown. The knowledge that if we enter that path, it will be painful, and it may bring up issues we have not thought about in a long time.

    Grief can be like a protective shield around our hearts.

    If we do not acknowledge it then we do not have to feel. If we do not feel then maybe the grief will all go away. I can tell you grief does not go away, it gets bigger, stronger, and more overwhelming and the effort of trying to keep it at bay becomes exhausting.

    Yes, I am tired of reliving the accident and remembering that she died five days later. It is nothing compared to the exhaustion and potential health issues that can arise from pushing down or repressing feelings. It takes great courage and heart to feel grief day after day, month after month, year after year. Each time you do, each time I do, the blessings and graces far exceed the pain of resistance.

    I am still assimilating this year’s gifts, but here is what I know so far:

    I am ready to unconditionally love myself, including all the parts that are difficult to love.

    I am ready to take a stand for myself with myself, and live fully aligned with my Truth.

    I will not sacrifice my self-care, my pleasure, or my desires to fit anyone else’s expectations.

    I am willing to be vulnerable.

    It feels vulnerable to state these things here, and you may ask how it this relates to Leah’s death.

    Her death provided me with a huge initiation, the opportunity to completely deconstruct my life, to excavate my authentic self, the me that I am, the fullest expression of my Nanciness. And that is why I do this work.

    I hold the space for you to go deep, feel your feelings, do your work and discover your authentic self, your Truth.

    Grief is not pretty, fun, or cut and dried. It is messy, painful, hard and real. When you have the courage to enter it, to engage your feelings, to bring them into the light of day, you can get through it, layer by layer, but you will get through, and along the way you may just discover a you that is longing to come out and play.

  • Are You Waiting For the Perfect Time?

    Do you find yourself waiting until the perfect time to start something that needs to be done? Things like: working on a presentation, writing for your book, planning a special project, or unleashing your creativity?

    What happens when you wait for the perfect time or the perfect circumstances to start something new or continue an ongoing project?

    Usually the perfect time never comes and the project does not get done.You start having bad feelings about yourself because you are not meeting your expectations.
    What if you do not wait for the perfect moment to start?

    What if, instead, you start from where you are, in the very moment the thought to begin occurs to you?

    What if you wrote from the pain you are feeling or allowed your difficult emotions to show up through your work?

    When you feel inspired, your work flows easily and your words reflect your inner landscape, and, because you feel inspired, you like the outcome of your effort.
    Why not do this when you are feeling vulnerable or fragile? Your words will be just as authentic as they are when you write from inspiration because they will reflect where you are in that moment.

    Your work will show another facet of your authenticity.

    Depending where you are at any given moment your words will ring true for those who need to hear that particular message. Perfection is a myth. Striving for perfection is very close to self abuse. Therefore, you will never achieve your perception of perfection.

    Next time you are waiting for inspiration to hit before you begin that project, letter, or painting, instead start from where you are. That is how I wrote this blog. I started writing from a place that felt vulnerable, trusting that each moment holds value. Inspiration looks different depending on where you are so honor it no matter what it looks like.

    This is one of the lessons I learned from my grief journey.

    Start where you are.

    It does not have to look a certain way, it’s your journey and it serves your life. Ask inside what you need then trust the answer. I can help you navigate this tenuous time so that you can regain a new purpose for living.

  • Love Yourself Anyway

    The last few weeks have been full. Lot of ideas have been coming in and lots of old stuff has been coming up to be released. As the seasons shift between summer and fall, I have felt shifts in my life too. These shifts have been in both my personal life and business life. I have been writing lots, yet none of it was inspired to be a blog or a newsletter. I have been more and more comfortable going with my own flow, listening to my own guidance, changing the way I do things, getting clearer on how to share my work with the world and how I need to take care of myself to move my best self forward. And, in the process, I am getting to know better the parts of myself that are not so perfect, and loving them anyway. The parts of ourselves that do things we do not want them to do, or the parts of ourselves that do not do what we think they should, those are the parts that need love right now, just the way they are. They need that love more than ever.

    We often say, “I will love myself when _________.” (Fill in your own answer.)

    The problem with this statement is that the parts of us that need love now are neglected.

    What if we loved ourselves now in all of our messy, imperfect glory?

    What if you did not wait until you lost the weight, or established the exercise routine, or got over a failed relationship, or created a schedule that made your life work better? What if loving those parts of ourselves led us to the very behaviors or understanding that our broken-open hearts need? Can we love ourselves enough to start moving in a way that stirs our soul? Or seek out help with a loss? Or find a coach or practitioner who can help us find a way to tune into our own guidance and learn how to listen to our own intuition?

    When we love ourselves the way we are now, we open the door to change.

    Our less-loved parts receive attention and do not have to be as vocal. They calm down; they feel well loved. When this happens we begin to feel more like ourselves. We have access to more of our true nature. We begin to know what it feels like to listen to our own wisdom, whether that is body wisdom, or wisdom about a choice we have to make. So, how can we begin to love ourselves more?

    Here are a few suggestions.

    Gratitude.

    Gratitude is a game changer; it opens the door for miracles to enter our lives.
    Take some time each morning to write down three things you are grateful for. Then, in the evening, write down three things that you are grateful for that happened that day. If you do not know where to begin, then be grateful that you breathe day in and day out without needing to think about it. Allow yourself to feel gratitude as well. You can expand on your list each day; you can add more than three things. When you are feeling down, read your list. You will be reminded of the multitude of blessings in your life. Try this for a week and see what happens.

    When you find yourself criticizing yourself, love the one who criticizes.*

    Bless the one who criticizes. All parts of us want to be met as they are. The shadow sides of ourselves can be great teachers. We sometimes fear our dark side because we are afraid we will not be able to contain the darkness. In my experience the opposite is true. When we meet the dark parts of ourselves, the parts we criticize or want to get rid of, they are not as big or scary as we imagined them to be. They just want to be loved too.  *this is from the work of Matt Kahn, click here for more information.

    Cultivate a practice of sitting quietly each day.

    You can use whatever practice calls to you. Samyama is one practice that can assist you to listen deeply to the parts of yourself that want to be heard. Learn more about Samyama here.

    Establishing these self-care practices can help you move with the flow of your own life. You will notice when you are called to slow down and will see shifts in your life. If you find yourself too rigid or controlling, these practices can help you live a more easeful life. Oh, and remember to breathe, deeply.

  • Living in the Unknown

    What does living in the unknown mean anyway?

    News flash, we always live in the unknown, we just think we are in control. I learned this lesson fast when my daughter died. Back then I was a certifiable control freak. I thought everything was in my control and if I worked hard enough, or did the right things the outcome would be according to my plan. Boy that did not work, can you relate?

    At the time I worked as a project manager for a large contracting company. Trying to control all aspects of the jobs I managed was like trying to herd cats, or like being the parent of a teenager. As a matter of fact, at the time, I used to compare working on my job site to having a teenager. I never knew what I would find when I got to work, or when I got home. It was the beginning of my lessons about letting go of that which I cannot control.

    That lesson deepened when Leah died.

    I learned in the blink of an eye that I was never in control.

    I just thought I was and, by thinking so, I was living under an illusion that I had the power to influence everything in my sphere of consciousness.

    The thought of living in the unknown is scary. Questions arise like: If I do not know anything, how will things get done? Will I just sit on my couch and mindlessly watch TV and eat ice cream? Will I lose touch with everything and everyone?

    Here’s what I learned.
    Living in the unknown is a matter of faith and trust, and it is a mindful practice.
    When Leah died I was at a low point, I really did not know anything. I did not know why she died, why she was in the hospital for five days, why I could not stop her accident from happening. I no longer knew my place in the world, or what I was going to do without her in my life. I did not know how I was going to make it to the next hour let alone live the rest of my life without her physical presence. I decided that since I was already so entrenched in the unknown, why not surrender to it completely because I had nothing more to lose.

    As I walked my grief journey, I got really good at living in the unknown. I learned that the more I was willing to not know; the more I was able to just be, to allow grace and blessings to come into my life.

    When I stopped trying to choreograph my every movement, I was making space for Divine arrangement to enter my life.

    You may have heard of the expression, “Let go and let God”. That is what happened. My diligent practice of my willingness to not know anything continually brought me answers to my prayers that I could never have accomplished by my own sheer will.

    I went from a being control freak; wanting to control every single outcome of every single experience I had to trusting that when I have faith, the magic happens. This happened in every aspect of my life, including my job. When I learned to relax my hold on my perception of reality, or what I thought that reality should be, things worked out in ways that I never could have imagined.

    I remember one particularly contentious meeting I was facilitating. Several people around the table were ready for a good fight. I went into the meeting with the intention of being completely present to each person who spoke, and not knowing how to fix whatever was going to be spoken in the meeting. I knew exactly what each person’s issues were, and yet I still was willing to not know how to resolve them. The result of that meeting was amazing. There were no fights, no raised voices, no one storming from the room to make a point. I truly do not know what happened, except that my willingness to not know allowed all of the other possibilities to come forward. At the end of the meeting I had several people come up to me and comment about how easily a compromise was reached, and ask me what I did.

    Consciously living in the unknown can seem counter intuitive.

    I am here to tell you that when I notice that I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed, one of the first questions I ask myself is if I am surrendering to the unknown, or trying to affect the outcome of a situation, the answer is always yes.

    Here are three ways you can begin to surrender yourself to the unknown.

    Be willing to not know.

    The next time you are struggling with a problem, be willing to not know the answer. Sit quietly, breath, bring the question to your heart, and be willing to not know the answer.

    Do not be attached to the outcome.

    You may have tussled with the same problem many times before, and you find your thoughts analyzing the pros and cons back and forth, making you crazy with trying to do the right thing. Let all of that go, let the question rest in your heart, and trust an answer will come.

    Be present.

    When you are in the present moment everything you need is in the field. When you allow yourself to be present and not know at the same time, the answer you need will rise to the top for you to see it. When we spend time trying to figure everything out from past experience we miss what is right in front of us in the present moment.

    As you can see, living in the unknown serves us in all aspects of our life. There are many nuances of it that are unable to be described. I invite you to try it for yourself to directly experience what is possible when you do not know anything.