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Category: Samyama

  • Lessons from 2017

    As this year winds to a close, I’d like to share with you what I’ve been reflecting on for the last few weeks. At this time last year I was preparing for my book to be published and starting to think about how I was going to market it. When I revisited my musings from the end of last year, I made the intention to be more present in 2017. I knew presence would be especially important as I moved from writing my book to sharing it with the world. I was in the middle of a year of embodiment work that was clearing out remnants of old wounds and making space for me to hold my story in my body so I could speak it. I knew that I would be taken outside of my comfort zone, as my vulnerability was visible for all to see; those who read my book and those who heard my story. At the beginning of the year I still identified myself as a stutterer and I didn’t identify myself as an author.

    Through the year I listened to my own voice like never before and I found my voice; the voice I use to communicate my work. I get chills and tears as I write those words. These are just some of the things that happened this year.

    I did over 10 book events and practiced many hours for each one.
    I joined Video Mojo Toastmasters thus becoming more comfortable speaking in front of a camera.
    I took part in a workshop to develop my signature presentation.
    I began working with a voice coach and focused on bringing even more vulnerability to my signature presentation.
    I held several Samyama Circles and a Holiday Grief Workshop.

    I now identify myself as an author and when I speak from my heart, I speak fluently.

    All of these things came from presence and intentional deep listening,

    from my inner knowing based upon sacred questions I asked myself. Each of the things I listed above are all things I previously resisted or refused to do earlier in my life. As the capacity in my body expanded, as I released old stuff, my own yearnings were allowed to be there. For some reason, maybe because I had released the wounds that made me resistant in the first place, as each one of these things arrived in my life I welcomed them with an open heart. That doesn’t mean there wasn’t still some apprehension, there was, and because they all arose from my intentional inquiry, I trusted that each one was the right step at the right time. My accomplishments this year far exceeded what I wrote down in my journal that I hoped to accomplish.

    It feels like another experience of alchemy; entering this year with an open heart,

    willing to do whatever I was moved to do from my inner guidance, and receiving so much more because I trusted the process. I never expected to ever get comfortable talking, let alone talking about the most vulnerable experiences of my life. As I entered the darkness of the solstice, I continued reflecting on where I have been and asked for guidance for where I am going next year, and what my focus will be.

    What I know for sure right now is that I will complete my new signature presentation. After I returned from my books tour in Chicago, I was moved to bring more of my own story into my presentations. A part of my story that is even more vulnerable because it brings up some unpleasant memories from my childhood. It’s important because without those experiences, I would not be able to bring my work into the world in the way I’m being called to do so.

    I’ll also be planning and offering some exciting new programs and workshops in 2018. These came from a compilation of all of the lessons and experiences that I learned this year.

    I continue to be grateful and astounded that I can participate fully in my life, holding so much joy in one hand, and an equal amount of sadness in my other hand. That may be the most profound lesson of 2017. I can be joyful and sad at the same time and neither one takes away from the other. They are both valid feelings and can coexist.

    I invite you to reflect on the lessons that are yours this year.

    Is what are you pushing away exactly what you need to invite into your life to grow? What needs to be released to make room for something else?
    Welcome everything and see what happens.

  • A Good Death

    Last week at the Raleigh Death Café  a participant’s question about what constitutes a good death prompted much discussion.

    As I listened to the interesting conversation I flashed back almost 17 years to Leah’s hospital room.

    I remembered holding on to every thread of hope as we conferred with her doctors.

    I remembered Dan helping the scared sparrow fly free in the parking garage stairway.

    I remembered holding Leah’s hand and stroking her cheek, telling her that she too could fly free if that is what she needed to do.

    I remembered inviting her friends and our friends, who had been camped out in the waiting room with us for five days, to say good-bye to her when we knew she would not be returning to us physically.

    All of these memories were in my head, swirling around; I brought them to my heart.

    In that moment, sitting in the midst of a discussion about what constitutes a good death, I knew.

    Leah’s death was a good death.

    My head wanted to slice and dice the discussion and make an argument against the possibility of a good death, but my heart knew in an instant. I took a deep breath and let the knowledge of Leah’s death as a good death take up some space. I spoke it out loud, in that moment, without thinking about it. It felt like a new level of peace. I let the tears come and felt myself witnessed in this new awareness. The moment passed and the discussion moved on.

    As I reflected on this moment in the days since it happened I realized that I was not capable of considering that hers was a good death at the time of her death. I was many chapters of my story away from even knowing the concept of a good death as it referred to my daughter. Nothing about her death was good, at least at the time. As I began my grief journey I excavated the gifts of that journey and yet, I still had not contemplated a good death.

    If you were to ask me what a good death is, I’m not sure I could give you a finite answer. Before that discussion last week, it never even occurred to me to consider a good death for anyone I knew.

    I’d like to think that it came into my consciousness at precisely the right time.

    If I did come across the concept of a good death earlier, maybe I wasn’t able to really hear it.

    If a good death feels like an unspeakable concept for you, trust where you are right now. If it intrigues you, bring your feelings to your heart and allow them to rest there. All of our perceptions about what death is and isn’t hold a mystery that cannot be understood by all of the analysis of our heads.

    Our hearts can understand what our heads want to hold on to for dear life. Bring everything to your heart and breathe.

  • Tails From the Road

    In the past month I have traveled to two book events, one in Boulder, CO, and one in Minneapolis, MN. I’ve begun to write about each of them several times, but it took awhile until I was ready. Even though the content of each event was similar, I received unique gifts from each of them.

    The Boulder event was my first on the road.

    I was well prepared and found myself feeling none of the usual anxiety I experienced when I was faced with previous public speaking experiences. The participants and I created a space for grace and vulnerability to be present for each of us. When I suggested a short break, the group as a whole wanted to continue so as not to disturb the energy. It was a sacred circle that allowed for each of us to witness each other’s vulnerability in safety. Our conversation throughout the evening was poignant and moving. The date of the event was April 28th, which is Leah’s birthday. When I was offered that date as a possibility, I immediately knew that was the perfect date. We felt her presence.

    The Minneapolis event was held at Modus Locus, a beautiful art gallery space that our son Peter’s friend operates. The audience was full of Peter’s friends and some of our family from Minnesota. Again, it was a warm and welcoming audience who appreciated hearing my story and my particular way of walking with grief.

    Talking about my story and bringing my work into the world in the way I am being called to do so, brings me to a vulnerability that sometimes takes my breath away.

    My stories come directly from my heart, and sometimes they are different each time I speak. I have a deep abiding trust that the stories that need to be told in each moment will be there for me to share. Preparing to do this work has brought me to my knees many times. Each time I speak I am brought to a new edge, challenged to grow in a new direction, and I don’t always know what direction that will be. For this reason, I am again learning a new nuance to the present moment. When I stay in the moment, I receive everything I need to share my journey, to answer a question, and to integrate the lessons that are present at that edge. I’ve learned how to use embodied movement to assist me to move through any feelings and emotions, either new or old, that I meet at these edges. Because of my experiences at my book events, I am learning a new way to be in the world on a daily basis. I am learning the importance of creating a strong structure to hold the organic transmission of my intuition and to provide a strong place for it to reside and flow.

    After I returned from Minneapolis I was deeply drawn to silence.

    I wanted to write about my experiences yet my guidance was directing me inward. As I sat each day and listened I discovered deep feelings and shifts that were calling to be heard. I let them be there as they were, moved gently when movement was called, and shed a few more layers that were ready to go. I am still emerging from that place, meandering through my days, listening and being with what is here, writing when I am called.

    It is in these places that I continue to do my own inner work, to grieve, to move, to feel, to care for my self and my soul. I emerge from that space nourished and energized so I can continue the work I am called to do. It is a dance, always changing, always evolving.

  • Striving for Perfection

    What comes up for you when you hear the word perfection?

    Many of us spend our lives striving for perfection, believing that we cannot live the life of our dreams until we reach this illusive quality. We put conditions on ourselves and beat ourselves up when we are not able to achieve what we perceive as perfection. We think of ourselves as failures because we have not been able to live up to a version of ourselves that lives only in our heads.

    Let’s spend a few moments talking about that perception.

    When we try to achieve our version of perfection we set ourselves up for that failure. How do I know? I spent many years in that place and I would be willing to bet many of you have as well. I tried to be something or someone I thought others wanted me to be, or thought I should be. I believed the stories I told myself about how I could not be happy until I reached an unattainable level of flawlessness. That included not only how I looked, but also how much I weighed, the size of my thighs or my stomach. I tried for years to get my curly hair to be straight, torturing myself with every method I found in magazines to straighten it, everything from ironing it to sleeping on huge rollers the night before class pictures. It was a temporary fix at best, and with the rain and humidity, the curls came back and with them my sense of failure; failure to conform to someone else’s view of how I should look.

    Why do we listen to these stories about perfection? The underlying reason is we want to be loved and accepted. This constant striving to believe someone else’s idea of what we should look like, or how much we should weigh, or how we should act, can drive us more than a little crazy. Self-abuse lives right around the corner from perfection. Think about that for a minute. When we do not achieve our version of perfection, we beat ourselves up. We may engage in self hate talk, or tell ourselves there are things we cannot do until we reach an imaginary unattainable goal.

    Can you relate? Have you ever told yourself that you cannot wear a certain outfit until you lose that last 5 or 10 pounds, or that you do not deserve to go somewhere or have something until you look a certain way? There is no limit to the things we tell ourselves in the quest to find perfection.

    What if I told you if you stopped beating yourself up and loved yourself the way you are now, and gave your self permission to do the things you have been putting off until you achieve that unattainable goal, that you will have a better chance of getting what you want.

    You will be enjoying your life now instead of waiting.

    How is this possible? It is possible because when you start experiencing pleasure in your life now instead of putting off enjoying life until you think you are more worthy you relax. When you relax, you can slow down long enough to recognize your true essence, find your own rhythm, and the things that truly bring you pleasure. When you begin dancing now instead of waiting until you lose enough weight to look good dancing you experience the pure joy of dancing. That is where the alchemy is, in the joy of listening to your soul and doing what brings it joy.

    A few days ago I found out that the “contact me” link on my website was not working.

    I was duly horrified.

    It was tested and it worked when my website first went live. I began to lambast myself for having a broken link on my website and wondered what someone who tried to contact me thought when I did not respond. It is hard enough for someone to gather courage to ask for help with their grief journey and here I was not responding when they did. I could have continued on this track until I convinced myself that I was useless and that I did not deserve to be helping people in this way, I did not deserve to publish my book, I did not deserve to…, but I stopped and took a deep breath.

    Yes, it was deeply disturbing that people may have tried to contacted me and did not get a response but I reminded myself that I am human, the people who put my website together are human, and that the issue is fixed now. I said a prayer for anyone who contacted me and did not get a response, that they found what they needed. I also forgave myself for berating myself up about it. Yes, I am still horrified and embarrassed, and I have given myself permission to be imperfect and human. I want to give you the same permission.

    When you find yourself beating yourself up, or telling yourself you cannot do “x” until you achieve “y,” there are ways to put an end to that construct and begin to move out of the self-abuse pattern and into a self-acceptance pattern.

    Make a list of all the things you want to do and find yourself putting off. There may be many stories you are telling yourself about why you are putting them off. For this exercise, just write down all the things you want to do; do not censure yourself.

    Make a list of everything that brings you pleasure; activities, people, places, food, and so on.

    Continue to add to both lists as you think of more things.

    Now look at both lists and choose one item from each that you can do right now. Pick anything because you do not have to wait until you attain perfection before you let yourself do it.

    Contemplate how you feel when you give yourself permission to enjoy your life now.

    Each day look at your lists and make a choice to enjoy life now rather than putting it off until you achieve the unachievable. The more you engage in your life now the more you will become familiar with what will bring you joy. The more you live a joyful life the better care you will take of yourself, your body, your spirit, and your essence. You do not have to wait to reach a version of yourself deemed beautiful by someone else’s standards because you are taking care of yourself from a deeper place, from a place of respect and loving-kindness.

  • Progress on My Book

    The last few months have seen me spending an abundance of time on my book.

    Late last year, as I was reflecting on 2015 and looking forward to this year, the top goal on my list was to publish my book. To go from forthcoming author to published author. I knew, in order to do that, I would have to provide myself with enough structure or I would find myself at the end of 2016 making the same goal for 2017. Early this year I set the intention to have the first draft of my book to my editor by the end of March. At the time it seemed like a long time away, yet here it is the last week of March. Each week I scheduled writing time in my calendar so now I find myself ready to send off my draft. I found writing for my book has been a different experience than any other kind of writing I have been doing; writing for my newsletter, blogging or marketing. It often took precedence over all my other writing due to my deadline. It feels wonderful to not only meet my goal but to be a little closer to actually publishing the book.

    As I get ready to send off my precious document, I am feeling vulnerable and exposed.

    Not only because someone will be reading it and commenting on it, but because it will eventually be out in the world. Anyone who reads it will know my story. I wonder if it will open me to ridicule and criticism; or if people will find it helpful. My experience while writing was much like most of my writing experiences; the writing itself feels like it comes through me, like I am merely the mechanism for capturing the words.

    Writing was a necessity because a force outside myself was compelling words to paper.

    I originally intended to write an eBook. When I shared this with my writing coach last summer, he told me my words needed to be in a physical book. A book that could be held in one’s hand or be given to someone in need. Thinking about making a physical manifestation of my work made me take a big gulp before diving back in to do the revisions necessary for a real book. Each time I read the chapters it becomes clearer to me that this is the right path for this book; a physical representation of my journey through the initiation of Leah’s death. An eBook would have been safer, more elusive; an actual book cannot be denied much like the pain of losing my daughter cannot be denied.

    Writing my story took me back to the days of my early grief, of my feelings after her accident, of the hospital and of the days following her death. I was glimpsing them from afar and at the same time reliving them. The tears came as I was transported back to the events that have had the power to completely transform my life. Remembering my path has made me better able to understand my client’s journeys.

    Writing my story has clarified my work.

    It has brought me to a place of deep gratitude for this work, for myself and for others. It has redefined my work, not only for those grieving the loss of a loved one, but for the grief that arises from loss of a relationship, job, health, or any time life turns out differently than you thought it would. I often wish there was another word other than grief to talk about what I do. People often do not want to talk about it and turn away from it until the grief becomes too big to deny. At those times, it can be so big that it is overwhelming and messier to untangle than if the feelings were met when they first came up. I have become comfortable talking about grief and being with the uncomfortable feelings that make up grief, both my own and my clients. I humbly recognize and accept this as one of my greatest gifts. I could have only come to this point by walking through this path myself.

    When I talk about what’s possible with both my transformation and my grief clients it becomes clear to me that both groups can lack inspiration or feel trapped in a life that no longer makes sense. Maybe someone who is looking for a way to transform their life has underlying unresolved grief issues. As I look at the broader reach of my work I realize that everybody enters this work at their own entry point; the place that they arrive at when they are no longer willing to settle for a life that does not make sense, when they are ready to find out what their true purpose in life is, or when limiting stories have kept them stuck in a life that does not serve their highest vision.

    As with every other part of my journey, writing this book at this time is important for what is coming next. My work in the world has been enriched by this experience and it will continue to be so as I bring my book into the world and allow others a more thorough glimpse into my journey.

  • Spring and Transformation

    The weather in Raleigh was warm this week. Each day as I walked around my yard I watched life returning to my plants. Early in the week there was just the hint of green on the end of my blueberry bushes, my elderberry bushes, and my peach tree. As I cleared away leaves from some beds I saw tiny columbine leaves pushing their way through the mulch. Each morning I went out to watch the progress. It seemed like, if I stood there long enough, I would have been able to see the growth. One morning I saw the smallest pink tinge on the azalea bushes. The next day there were dainty pink petals peeking out from the cherries. By the end of the week it was undeniable, the cherries had full blossoms. The azalea blooms were increasing. Buds appeared on the peach tree. Yes, spring is definitely arriving.

    Spring arrives every year without fail.

    Sometimes it comes earlier than others depending on the sun and rainfall, sometimes it is short lived, and it may surprise us, but it always arrives. Why is spring such a welcome sight? When the weather begins to turn warmer and the plants and trees start to bud we are ready for a change. We have just spent several months in colder weather, maybe with snow or ice. The landscape looks barren, with no leaves on the trees and nothing in bloom. Spring brings the hope of longer, warmer days. Spring brings the promise of new life, not only for the plants but also for our spirits. We may feel like we are coming alive again after a long hibernation. Nature is a great teacher. The seasons model life cycles for us: dying, death, rebirth, and lush full life. Each season conspires to teach us valuable lessons if we pay attention.

    There is a correlation between the lessons of nature and the work I do.

    In the spring we often feel our hearts longing more urgently. Just like the sun and warmth urges the plants to grow and bloom, the promise of new life stirs our desires, our ache to create a new life, maybe a life we have always dreamt about, or a pining for clarity, a way to feel calmer and less stressed in your everyday life, or maybe you long to have more confidence. I have been noticing another connection, one between grief work and transformational work. I often find that the journeys are similar.

    My approach to grief and loss work is that they offer an opening into transformational work.

    Clients who begin working with me on grief issues discover that their grief journey is calling them to a higher place. Clients who begin working with me to gain clarity in their lives discover unresolved grief enmeshed in their stories. When we begin to address a feeling of dissatisfaction in the direction of our lives, we often find unresolved grief is an underlying cause. As you travel further along your life’s journey, many of these themes arise. In my work with grief clients we explore ways to distress, incorporate self- care and creativity. Samyama helps us learn how to bring our feelings to our hearts and untangle the stories we tell ourselves. These are all practices that can be applied to any life transformation.

    Because of the similarities, I am able to offer my work to a broader audience.

    Are you feeling overwhelmed and stressed out? Are you unclear on the direction of your life? Do you long for more passion in your life?
    Do you long for a life filled with abundance? Do you long to be more confident?

    Do you long to live a more meaningful life?
    Do you long to live a life in alignment with your desires?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, my work can help you. I invite you into a personal conversation with me to discern your next step, to see if we are a good fit to work together.

  • Feeling All of Your Feelings

    I have been thinking a lot about feelings lately. Social media inundates everyone with demands to think positively, to be happy, and to not wallow in negative feelings.

    The double dose of holiday cheer, followed by New Year’s resolutions to think positively, can make you wonder what is wrong with you and you can feel like a failure for not living up to societal expectations.

    Dealing with a loss, whether the loss of a loved one or adjusting to the repercussions of a life-changing event, can put more pressure on you and compound the feelings of failure.

    While I like to feel happy as much as the next person, I know that it impossible for me to feel true happiness and joy without feeling sadness and pain too. When we try to be happy without feeling the full emotional spectrum happiness can feel forced and untrue maybe even making us feel like a fraud. This confliction can further the sense of failure since the world places a high stake on happiness and feeling good.

    Why do we shy away from feelings that are labeled as negative? Feelings are neither “good” nor “bad”.

    All feelings just want to be met.

    Negative emotions that get a bad rap may feel bigger and more overwhelming than the so called good feelings. Let’s face it, when we feel sad or in pain we often do not know what to do, we do not know how to feel these feelings. In a world that values feeling good and shiny happy people, we are not taught how to be with uncomfortable feelings let alone embracing them and allowing them to be felt completely.

    Michael Brown, author of The Presence Process says, “It’s not about feeling better, it’s about getting better at feeling.” I love this quote. He is telling us that the way to authentic happiness is by feeling all our emotions; “good” or “bad”. I learned this for myself through my own grief journey.

    I did not expect this to happen. So, how did I learn it? Simply by allowing myself to feel whatever I was feeling. Intolerable feelings are not limited to those grieving a loss. We all avoid uncomfortable feelings.

    These unbearable feelings often feel too big for us to face; they feel overwhelming. But all feelings want to be met and seen. You will find that when you allow yourself to feel a difficult feeling in your heart its immensity it will shift and begin to calm down. It needed to be bigger than it is so it could get your attention. When you meet your feelings in your heart, you begin to feel safe. The safer you feel, the longer you will be able to engage your feeling.

    The practice of Samyama is one way to begin to bring your feelings to your heart.

    Samyama offers a safe place for all your feelings to be held. In your heart you are able to let your feelings out one at a time so they will not gang up on you and make you feel consumed by grief or devastation. You begin to trust your heart, the process, and your feelings. You relax. Relaxation allows you open the door to your heart even wider and begin to feel amazement, wonder, gratitude, peace, and yes, even happiness.

  • Love Yourself Anyway

    The last few weeks have been full. Lot of ideas have been coming in and lots of old stuff has been coming up to be released. As the seasons shift between summer and fall, I have felt shifts in my life too. These shifts have been in both my personal life and business life. I have been writing lots, yet none of it was inspired to be a blog or a newsletter. I have been more and more comfortable going with my own flow, listening to my own guidance, changing the way I do things, getting clearer on how to share my work with the world and how I need to take care of myself to move my best self forward. And, in the process, I am getting to know better the parts of myself that are not so perfect, and loving them anyway. The parts of ourselves that do things we do not want them to do, or the parts of ourselves that do not do what we think they should, those are the parts that need love right now, just the way they are. They need that love more than ever.

    We often say, “I will love myself when _________.” (Fill in your own answer.)

    The problem with this statement is that the parts of us that need love now are neglected.

    What if we loved ourselves now in all of our messy, imperfect glory?

    What if you did not wait until you lost the weight, or established the exercise routine, or got over a failed relationship, or created a schedule that made your life work better? What if loving those parts of ourselves led us to the very behaviors or understanding that our broken-open hearts need? Can we love ourselves enough to start moving in a way that stirs our soul? Or seek out help with a loss? Or find a coach or practitioner who can help us find a way to tune into our own guidance and learn how to listen to our own intuition?

    When we love ourselves the way we are now, we open the door to change.

    Our less-loved parts receive attention and do not have to be as vocal. They calm down; they feel well loved. When this happens we begin to feel more like ourselves. We have access to more of our true nature. We begin to know what it feels like to listen to our own wisdom, whether that is body wisdom, or wisdom about a choice we have to make. So, how can we begin to love ourselves more?

    Here are a few suggestions.

    Gratitude.

    Gratitude is a game changer; it opens the door for miracles to enter our lives.
    Take some time each morning to write down three things you are grateful for. Then, in the evening, write down three things that you are grateful for that happened that day. If you do not know where to begin, then be grateful that you breathe day in and day out without needing to think about it. Allow yourself to feel gratitude as well. You can expand on your list each day; you can add more than three things. When you are feeling down, read your list. You will be reminded of the multitude of blessings in your life. Try this for a week and see what happens.

    When you find yourself criticizing yourself, love the one who criticizes.*

    Bless the one who criticizes. All parts of us want to be met as they are. The shadow sides of ourselves can be great teachers. We sometimes fear our dark side because we are afraid we will not be able to contain the darkness. In my experience the opposite is true. When we meet the dark parts of ourselves, the parts we criticize or want to get rid of, they are not as big or scary as we imagined them to be. They just want to be loved too.  *this is from the work of Matt Kahn, click here for more information.

    Cultivate a practice of sitting quietly each day.

    You can use whatever practice calls to you. Samyama is one practice that can assist you to listen deeply to the parts of yourself that want to be heard. Learn more about Samyama here.

    Establishing these self-care practices can help you move with the flow of your own life. You will notice when you are called to slow down and will see shifts in your life. If you find yourself too rigid or controlling, these practices can help you live a more easeful life. Oh, and remember to breathe, deeply.

  • Living in the Unknown

    What does living in the unknown mean anyway?

    News flash, we always live in the unknown, we just think we are in control. I learned this lesson fast when my daughter died. Back then I was a certifiable control freak. I thought everything was in my control and if I worked hard enough, or did the right things the outcome would be according to my plan. Boy that did not work, can you relate?

    At the time I worked as a project manager for a large contracting company. Trying to control all aspects of the jobs I managed was like trying to herd cats, or like being the parent of a teenager. As a matter of fact, at the time, I used to compare working on my job site to having a teenager. I never knew what I would find when I got to work, or when I got home. It was the beginning of my lessons about letting go of that which I cannot control.

    That lesson deepened when Leah died.

    I learned in the blink of an eye that I was never in control.

    I just thought I was and, by thinking so, I was living under an illusion that I had the power to influence everything in my sphere of consciousness.

    The thought of living in the unknown is scary. Questions arise like: If I do not know anything, how will things get done? Will I just sit on my couch and mindlessly watch TV and eat ice cream? Will I lose touch with everything and everyone?

    Here’s what I learned.
    Living in the unknown is a matter of faith and trust, and it is a mindful practice.
    When Leah died I was at a low point, I really did not know anything. I did not know why she died, why she was in the hospital for five days, why I could not stop her accident from happening. I no longer knew my place in the world, or what I was going to do without her in my life. I did not know how I was going to make it to the next hour let alone live the rest of my life without her physical presence. I decided that since I was already so entrenched in the unknown, why not surrender to it completely because I had nothing more to lose.

    As I walked my grief journey, I got really good at living in the unknown. I learned that the more I was willing to not know; the more I was able to just be, to allow grace and blessings to come into my life.

    When I stopped trying to choreograph my every movement, I was making space for Divine arrangement to enter my life.

    You may have heard of the expression, “Let go and let God”. That is what happened. My diligent practice of my willingness to not know anything continually brought me answers to my prayers that I could never have accomplished by my own sheer will.

    I went from a being control freak; wanting to control every single outcome of every single experience I had to trusting that when I have faith, the magic happens. This happened in every aspect of my life, including my job. When I learned to relax my hold on my perception of reality, or what I thought that reality should be, things worked out in ways that I never could have imagined.

    I remember one particularly contentious meeting I was facilitating. Several people around the table were ready for a good fight. I went into the meeting with the intention of being completely present to each person who spoke, and not knowing how to fix whatever was going to be spoken in the meeting. I knew exactly what each person’s issues were, and yet I still was willing to not know how to resolve them. The result of that meeting was amazing. There were no fights, no raised voices, no one storming from the room to make a point. I truly do not know what happened, except that my willingness to not know allowed all of the other possibilities to come forward. At the end of the meeting I had several people come up to me and comment about how easily a compromise was reached, and ask me what I did.

    Consciously living in the unknown can seem counter intuitive.

    I am here to tell you that when I notice that I am feeling stressed and overwhelmed, one of the first questions I ask myself is if I am surrendering to the unknown, or trying to affect the outcome of a situation, the answer is always yes.

    Here are three ways you can begin to surrender yourself to the unknown.

    Be willing to not know.

    The next time you are struggling with a problem, be willing to not know the answer. Sit quietly, breath, bring the question to your heart, and be willing to not know the answer.

    Do not be attached to the outcome.

    You may have tussled with the same problem many times before, and you find your thoughts analyzing the pros and cons back and forth, making you crazy with trying to do the right thing. Let all of that go, let the question rest in your heart, and trust an answer will come.

    Be present.

    When you are in the present moment everything you need is in the field. When you allow yourself to be present and not know at the same time, the answer you need will rise to the top for you to see it. When we spend time trying to figure everything out from past experience we miss what is right in front of us in the present moment.

    As you can see, living in the unknown serves us in all aspects of our life. There are many nuances of it that are unable to be described. I invite you to try it for yourself to directly experience what is possible when you do not know anything.

  • Learning My Own Lessons

    This past week, when I returned from Omaha, I was given an opportunity to practice what I teach. I arrived home Monday evening and settled in at home. Tuesday morning I woke up bright and early, did my morning sitting in silence practice, and headed off to yoga. I got in my car, turned the key and nothing. The car did not start. My initial thought was to panic and my helpless one sat there and said internally, “Ok, great! Now what?” I paused, took a deep breath (or two or three) and then called Dan. He reminded me that we had roadside assistance through our motor club. I called for assistance. Someone came out and used jumper cables on the battery to start the car. I drove around the block to charge up the battery.

    Here’s where the story gets amusing. I was afraid to stop the car in case it did not start again. As I drove I noticed my speedometer was registering a really fast speed leading me to believed the speedometer was broken. Luckily, as I drove around the block, I received a text canceling my morning appointment. I took that as a sign to drive directly to the car dealership and have the battery checked so that I could go to sleep that night without worrying that my car would not start the next morning. My initial trepidation was gone. I went from whatever triggered that helpless one to a fully empowered person taking care of the a difficult situation. I stayed in the moment. I did not feel stressed out or like something was happening to me. It was a great feeling. The battery was replaced and car is running like new again. But wait, what about that speedometer issue? When the battery was jump started the car’s computer defaulted to kph, so it was just my perception that the car was going faster. This is a great example of how perception is NOT reality; but that is another topic for a future newsletter.

    As I reflected on these events, I realized that there was a point where this could have gone several ways. In the past there were times that an event like this would have ruined not only my day, but several days. What was the difference this time? I allowed myself to fully feel my helplessness; to ask who was the one feeling helpless and what did she need? Taking the time to be with your feelings, all of them, in the heat of the moment, is the difference that makes the difference. I did not formally sit in Samyama. I did however meet that helpless child in my heart. I gave her what she needed, love and attention; and then told her I would take over. That helpless child could relax and trust because I was available to take care of and resolve the difficult issue.

    What do you do when you are triggered, either by a person or event? Do you pay attention to the one that is triggered? This is usually a part of yourself that is not integrated. It could show up as a younger self, an inner child that remembers a similar past event that now acts as a trigger.

    Pay attention to this part of yourself whenever they show up and in whatever way they show up. This awareness can help when you are in a difficult situation. It can assist you
    in transitioning from that younger self to the part of yourself that can resolve the current situation.

    Some questions to ask when you are triggered:

    • Does this feeling remind me of how I felt as a child?
    • If so, what is the age of that child?
    • Do I feel shame, anger, fear, or any other emotion that does not make sense given the current situation?
    • What lesson does this person or situation have for me? (Often we are put in these situations to provide an opportunity to integrate or heal something from our childhood that has not been healed.)

    You can write about any insights that arise from these questions. Each time you feel triggered ask one or more of these questions again.

    In my next newsletter I will spend more time writing about inner child work and how you can learn to give your younger selves what they did not receive as a child. Be gentle with yourself as you begin to sit with these questions. Let me know what happens for you as you delve into these questions.

    In Service to Love,

    Nancy