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Author: Nancy Loeffler

  • A Dream About Leah

    I had a dream about Leah last night. It’s been a while since that has happened. In the dream, I knew at some level that she was no longer with me in physical form, so it gave me great comfort to be with her in the dream. She was slightly older than when she left and was wearing clothes that I didn’t recognize. Anyone who knew Leah knows that she was very fashion conscious and wore her clothes like no one else could. Our communication was not by words, but rather, by thoughts. I asked her who was buying her clothes now that I wasn’t. She pointed to herself. I asked her if she’d like to go shopping with me, if she needed new clothes for school. She smiled and said yes. I sat from afar and watched her for a while. There was a sense that she was reaching out through the dimensions to me and I savored the time.

    When I woke up, I sat on the porch with my coffee thinking about the dream. This one had the quality of a connection with her. She connected with a known shared activity, clothes and shopping. Her presence had the characteristic of an alternate reality, things not quite the way they were when she was here physically. I know this is the very description of dreams, and yet, there was a knowingness that we were both visiting a place where we could relate at least in that moment. Plus, she gave me a smile, her smile, one that lit up her whole face. My memory of that smile does not do it justice, I could not have imagined her smile in the way I experienced it in our dream.

    As I continued to be with the dream, I allowed myself to miss her, and I wondered what my life would have been like if she was still here, if she didn’t die 16+ years ago. If, instead of mourning her loss, I would have been celebrating her life all these years. I wondered where she would be living, where we would be living, and how the four of us would be different then we are today.

    I was wistful. I missed her. I allowed myself to feel the longing in my heart for my daughter, for what might have been but she’s still not here. That’s the part my head can’t wrap itself around; she’s still not here. No amount of wishing her back will change that.

    I look at my life now, and I know that I am living the life I was meant to live, honoring the message I received right after she died, that said, “Losing her is too high a price to pay to not live the life you were meant to live.” Getting here was not easy, staying here is sometimes still not easy, and yet, here I am and there she is.

    I’m grateful for the times we can connect in that liminal space that l don’t fully understand. It’s another part of the unknown that unfolds as I travel the spiral of my grief initiation. Bringing all of the journey to my heart, to hold, to allow, to be with whatever shows up along the way. It’s in my heart that the alchemy happens, the place where I receive blessings and grace that allow me to continue to live on the other side of the veil from my daughter; blessings and grace that give me the courage to bring her light into the world through my story. I continue to bow the to the mystery.

  • Relaxing Into Myself

    When the dust settled after my book launch party I wondered, “

    Okay. What now?

    What do authors do once the editing, publishing, and launching are done?” The answer came soon enough; market the book. I began the process of writing to venues to request book events and speaking engagements, shifted my networking message, and changed my mindset from being a forthcoming author to being a published author. I took my time with this process. That is to say, I paid attention to my own self-care and nourishment. I feel different now. I carry my work differently, and I need to continue to cultivate my own rhythm as I refine the way I bring my work into the world. I need to nurture my body and my self as a strong container and vessel to hold this work as I continue forward. As I sat with this process the words that I heard were: I am relaxing into myself. That’s not what I expected to hear.

    I wondered, what does it mean to relax into myself?

    At first I wasn’t sure, and, as I have continued my practice of loving self-care, it’s become more apparent.

    A lifelong friend recently told me I was a different Nancy. That means she knew me back before Leah died. How was I different then? Did she mean that I was a carefree Nancy who skipped through life with utter joy, only to be brought to my knees after my daughter’s death? No, I was a very quiet and, some would say, shy child and teenager, and this introspection continued into adulthood. The last thing a younger version of myself would be doing is sharing my story with others, no matter what the story. The initiation of my daughter’s death changed me and the process of writing my book changed me yet again. I now feel most like myself when I am sharing how I learned to thrive after Leah died, and the ways that I did that.

    There was a thread that ran throughout my life beginning as a child. I often heard,

    “Someday you will do something important.”

    When I heard it as a child, sometimes I was excited and I would dream of what the important thing would be. Sometimes I was confused because I didn’t know how to find out what the important thing would be. I always felt different, isolated, because I felt like I was doing something wrong, that I would never discover my destiny. This probably contributed to my introspective nature. Whenever I heard that I would someday do something important, it was like jumping to the last chapter in a book without all the background information provided in the chapters leading up to it.

    As I sit here today, those chapters have been filled in. My important work is nothing like I imagined as a child, dreaming of magnificence. I could never quite capture the full vision of what that significant work would be, nothing ever felt like it fit, and I wasn’t inspired by any of the daydreams of importance.

    This gives me a new appreciation of the present moment. My entire journey has included a continued nuance of presence. When I was dreaming of a future of greatness, I was missing what was right in front of me, the treasures that are found in this very moment.

    What does this have to do with relaxing into myself?

    And just how did I go about this process? One of the things I did was to listen deeply to what my body needed in each moment. I made lists of these needs, both physical and emotional. I looked at the pattern of my days and shifted them until I found a rhythm to my days that fit where I am right now. I continue to pay attention to how I feel as I go through my days and when something feels off I inquire inside and readjust. Relaxing into myself is dynamic; it can change from day to day or week-to-week depending on my schedule, my energy level, and so many other factors. That’s why it’s important to stay present and continue to listen to deep inner wisdom.

    Here are some ways you can cultivate your own rhythm.

    Slow Down.

    Slow down with everything. When you slow down you can hear your inner wisdom. I’ve also found that on those days when I have a lot of things to accomplish, slowing down helps me to get more done in a more relaxed way. You read correctly, slowing down gets more done.

    Look at your daily schedule.

    Are you doing some things the same way everyday for no reason? Is there another activity that you want to add to your schedule and you don’t know how to find extra time? Sometimes simple changes to the template or pattern of your day can open up or shift your schedule enough to find extra time. One thing I did was get up 15 minutes earlier and shower first thing. This opened up time for me to write everyday. Something I wanted to do more consistently; but didn’t until I shifted my schedule.

    Include Self-Care.

    Look at your self-care rituals. Do they reduce stress or make you feel more stressed? Eliminate anything that induces stress. Add new activities that inspire you. Find some time for self-care everyday.

    Move.

    This is a part of self-care for me and it deserves a separate mention. Movement changes everything. When I don’t want to move, I do the “I don’t want to move dance.” Letting my feelings and emotions have a voice, no matter what they are has been one of the most important factors in cultivating a rhythm that works for me right now.

    Eat Food that Nourishes You.

    There are a lot of ideas out there about what food we should eat. Find out what food nourishes and nurtures YOUR body. Yes, there are general guidelines about quality and nutrition, and no one way of eating works for every body. I know what my body needs, and I have often abandoned myself with excuses that sabotage me. This reminds me of a question I was asked recently, “What does being an Eating Psychology Coach have to do with grief?” My answer to this is another blog topic.

    Be Gentle with Yourself.

    What would you say to a friend who came to talk to you about a problem or concern? Treat yourself the way you would treat a beloved friend. Learning compassion for myself and my journey was the first step for me to learn to love myself as I am in each present moment.

  • My Book is Launched! (and lessons I learned along the way)

    My book launch party was last Sunday.

    I am now officially an author.

    You may think that my author status took effect when I held the first copy of my book in my hand, but it didn’t. For me it happened Sunday when I stood in front of family, friends, and interested people and shared a little bit of my story about how I moved from a mother devastated by her daughter’s death, and not sure how she was going to get from one moment to the next, to the person they saw before them; a woman standing in the fullness of my being sharing my story of grief and loss, and how I learned to thrive again after that loss.

    It was truly a pivotal moment.

    Dan has often said that I am a threshold crosser. Never before have I crossed such an important threshold. I have been preparing for this day for a long time. Yet, having a book published and cultivating the capacity to bring the work that my book represents into the world are two different things.

    One of the things I shared on Sunday is that there was a point in my grief journey, many years in, that I felt comfortable with my life. I had a job that provided value; I wasn’t crying everyday, or even every week. My life had meaning and purpose, and every so often even a moment of joy. I thought that I had weathered the worst of my grief journey. I still missed Leah, of course, and there would still be difficult times, especially around holidays and milestones, but I knew how to navigate those times and I would be able to continue to live my life in this comfortable place.

    I should have remembered what happens when I get too comfortable.

    It was about that time I heard, “Someday you will help others navigate their grief journeys” and “It is time to write your book.”

    The process of writing my book took me to places I didn’t know I had to go to be able to bring this work into the world.

    First of all it took me on yet another turn of my grief spiral. I went back through Leah’s accident, her stay in the hospital, her funeral, and the early raw devastating days after her death. This happened multiple times. Each time I rewrote or edited my story I was back in those days, reliving my feelings. The gift in this process was that I was at a different place when I wrote the book than I was some 14 or 15 years ago. I received new insights, and when I connected with those early feelings, I was able to assist my clients in a different way, remembering where some of them are as they begin to work with me.

    I also had to look at places in myself that I had never looked at; places that I didn’t particularly like, places that I felt were unlovable.

    I needed to deconstruct the parts of my life that no longer served me, again. I needed to take a stand for myself like I had never done before so I had the capacity: body, mind, and soul, to hold this precious work in my heart and bring it into the world. Every aspect of my life changed. I stepped out of my comfort zone again and again as I did the inner work necessary to love myself completely right where I was, as I was, and continues doing that so I love myself right where I am now, as I am now. I learned what it meant to take care of myself in a deeper way. I learned how to listen deeply to my own inner wisdom, and to take inspired action. I learned to do this on my own timetable, not anyone else’s. I learned to trust myself implicitly. I learned presence in a more profound way.

    Some of you may remember that shortly after Leah died I heard;

    “Losing her is too high a price to pay to not live the life I was meant to live.”

    Traveling the journey of my grief started the process of excavating that life. Writing my book has taken it so much further. I can now say I have crossed the threshold and live the fullest expression of who I am in this moment. I have no doubt that, as I remain devoted to my path that the expression of who I am will continue to evolve.

  • New Year Reflections

    It’s that time of the year again.

    Time to reflect on the year that went before, and make intentions for the year spread out in front of us. For most of my life as the year waned, I would look back on the past year and berate myself for all the ways I perceived failure in my life and how the new year offered me a clean slate to finally get it right. I would resolve to eat less, exercise more, be the best mother I could be to my children, find my potential and finally live up to it, and on and on. Sound familiar?

    A few years ago I was done with the new years resolution treadmill.

    It felt like it set me up for failure rather than provide a roadmap for new goals that would become a part of my daily life that led to a better me. That year I began making a list of celebrations from the past year and making a list of what I wanted to accomplish as I went forward.

    Sometime during this past year I refined my process further. This year I published my book. Along the way this process provided challenges and achievements to celebrate every step of the way. It provided me with course corrections that couldn’t wait for another year to pass, it took me deeper into the practice of presence and discerning for myself what would support me as I took on what seemed like a gargantuan task at the beginning of the year. One of my goals at the end of last year was to publish my book, and if truth be told, I made that intention without really believing in my ability to do so. After I made that goal I heard a little voice inside say, “Other people are authors, you’re not an author.”

    A part of my process this year was unraveling that story and meeting all of the doubts and fears that were hiding in the cracks and crevices as the story disintegrated.

    I went on another turn of my grief spiral as I revisited the events of Leah’s death and how I was feeling in the early years of missing her. My life went through another round of deconstruction during this process. As stories that no longer served me fell away, I had to learn how to cultivate a structure to my life and my body that was strong enough and flexible enough to hold this new work that was longing to be born. This was a part of the process that surprised me, and it was a part that I eventually welcomed because it allowed me access to parts of myself that were long hidden.

    Another experience this year also assisted with my new emergence. Dan and I celebrated our 40th anniversary with a trip to France; 3 days in Paris and a 10-day river cruise on the Saone and Rhone Rivers.

    After returning from our French vacation, and we both brought with us a nasty bug that had us in bed for a week. It was the worst cold I have had in a long time. There was nothing I could do but surrender to my body and let her have the time she needed to heal and integrate whatever was going on. I realized that my grief journey has completely changed the way I meet my life, including how I experienced this particular cold. While I did want to feel better, I didn’t push it. I relaxed as much as I could into my body, without trying to make things different. I had an experience on my trip that also illustrates how my grief journey has informed the rest of my life.

    While we were in Paris, we did a bus tour of the city, which took us to Notre Dame Cathedral. I’d been looking forward to seeing Notre Dame ever since Art History Class in college. As I crossed the square approaching Notre Dame, my eyes started filling with tears. I felt all of the history and splendor of the cathedral, the flying buttresses, the rose window, the arches, all of it just as described in those art history classes over 30 years ago, I was in awe. As I entered the nave the tears continued to well. I looked over at Dan and his eyes were filling too. I stood there for a moment and let myself fully experience standing in Notre Dame.

    Every cell of my body was having the experience. I really have no words for what happened.

    When we returned to our hotel I reflected on my experience at Notre Dame. I realized that the lessons I learned as I traveled my grief journey had served me well in every area of my life, not just my grief journey. I learned to feel all of my feelings whenever they arose, even when I was standing in front of Notre Dame Cathedral.

    In that moment I had a flash of a conversation I had with someone about what is on my bucket list. At the time of the conversation I couldn’t come up with anything on my list and both my friend and I wondered why that was. After my experience at Notre Dame, I knew why I couldn’t come up with a list of things to check off before I die. I knew that I want to fully experience everything I see and everywhere I go as I continue to live my life. Everywhere I am called to visit can evoke feelings and experiences connecting me to people and places that provide deep life experiences. Certainly Paris, the Eiffel Tower, and Notre Dame were amazing places to visit and I reveled in the experience.

    What is the connection between this experience and the experience of bringing my book to into world?

    Both experiences took me out of my comfort zone.

    They both opened my eyes to more possibilities and also forced me to look at dismantling old patterns that no longer worked for me. In the process of that dismantling I had to go deep inside and listen to my own wisdom; listen to what worked for me and not listen to society’s or other expert’s advice or validation.

    I was reminded in a profound way that being present in each moment, feeling my feelings fully, and being open to those possibilities can happen anywhere and everywhere. I was reminded that when I live my life with an open heart I will be led to experiences that will fill my life with what I need at exactly the right time.

  • Another Turn on My Grief Spiral

    I had one of those moments this week. I was in the car on the way to an exercise class and I heard a song that reminded me of Leah. It took me back, body and soul, to the feeling of the finality of missing her physical being. I felt like I was going to cry like I haven’t for a long time. I wanted the feelings to stop; I didn’t want to miss her. I thought,

    “Haven’t I already missed her enough?”

    I was reminded of a few conversations I’ve had recently about why some people don’t want to talk about grief, whether it’s theirs or another’s. This topic of conversation has come up so often recently that we decided to make it the topic of our September MeetUp group.

    Let’s go back to how I was feeling in the car and how I met the grief this time. The feeling was so real in my body that losing Leah truly felt like it had just happened. I contemplated turning around and going home because the floodgates of my tears were just about to burst and I didn’t think I would be able to stop them once they started.

    I paused and tuned into my body to really feel the discomfort, and I knew the exercise class would be the perfect way to move this round of grief through my body.

    I pulled my car into the parking lot and sat still for a moment; tuning into my heart and feeling the deep longing of missing my daughter with every cell of my body. This grief created a different sensation in my body then I’ve felt before. It was as if the memory of that time, almost 16 years ago, came forward and combined with the finality of her death. I decided to enter the exercise class with an intention to surrender my pain.

    When I got home, as I was reflecting on my experience, I was once again struck by how the present moment really does hold whatever we need. When I was able to tune into my body in the moment I was feeling that particular round of grief, I was able to access the knowledge that moving through the grief with exercise was the right thing for me to do that time. Movement may not be the appropriate path to move my grief the next time, or even the time after that. This is an example of present moment awareness; being in the moment.

    That’s the thing about present moment awareness; the answer you receive in the moment may not be the answer you thought you’d receive.

    We often think about what the right way to meet a certain experience might be, whether it is grief related or not. These decision are based upon similar past experiences. Our heads can over analyze our options leading to confusion, to frustration, and to us wondering if we are choosing the “right” solution to our issue.

    When we choose to bring our questions to our hearts without expectation of what the answer will be, rather than thinking about the “right” answer, we are often surprised. I know I am. These surprising answers crack open the door of possibilities within us. If I hadn’t listened to what my heart was telling me this time, I would have missed out on the experience of feeling the grief move through my body in that exercise class. (And I wouldn’t have written this particular blog.)

    So, next time you are tussling with a problem, big or little, try this instead of waging a battle with your thoughts.

    • Get quiet, breathe deeply and close your eyes. Bring your problem or issue to your heart allowing it to be there as it is in that moment. Take another deep breath.
    • Ask the question, “What do I need to know about this problem right now?” Drop this question into your heart. If you’re not sure you are doing this correctly, you can either trust that you are, or read a little more about Samyama here.
    • Allow the question to rest in your heart without expectation of getting an answer. Sometimes you will know what is right for you soon after asking your question and sometimes it may take a little while. Continue sitting with your question.
    • Trust that you will know the answer when it comes. The more we do this practice, the more confident we will become about knowing what the right answer for us feels like in our bodies.

  • Striving for Perfection

    What comes up for you when you hear the word perfection?

    Many of us spend our lives striving for perfection, believing that we cannot live the life of our dreams until we reach this illusive quality. We put conditions on ourselves and beat ourselves up when we are not able to achieve what we perceive as perfection. We think of ourselves as failures because we have not been able to live up to a version of ourselves that lives only in our heads.

    Let’s spend a few moments talking about that perception.

    When we try to achieve our version of perfection we set ourselves up for that failure. How do I know? I spent many years in that place and I would be willing to bet many of you have as well. I tried to be something or someone I thought others wanted me to be, or thought I should be. I believed the stories I told myself about how I could not be happy until I reached an unattainable level of flawlessness. That included not only how I looked, but also how much I weighed, the size of my thighs or my stomach. I tried for years to get my curly hair to be straight, torturing myself with every method I found in magazines to straighten it, everything from ironing it to sleeping on huge rollers the night before class pictures. It was a temporary fix at best, and with the rain and humidity, the curls came back and with them my sense of failure; failure to conform to someone else’s view of how I should look.

    Why do we listen to these stories about perfection? The underlying reason is we want to be loved and accepted. This constant striving to believe someone else’s idea of what we should look like, or how much we should weigh, or how we should act, can drive us more than a little crazy. Self-abuse lives right around the corner from perfection. Think about that for a minute. When we do not achieve our version of perfection, we beat ourselves up. We may engage in self hate talk, or tell ourselves there are things we cannot do until we reach an imaginary unattainable goal.

    Can you relate? Have you ever told yourself that you cannot wear a certain outfit until you lose that last 5 or 10 pounds, or that you do not deserve to go somewhere or have something until you look a certain way? There is no limit to the things we tell ourselves in the quest to find perfection.

    What if I told you if you stopped beating yourself up and loved yourself the way you are now, and gave your self permission to do the things you have been putting off until you achieve that unattainable goal, that you will have a better chance of getting what you want.

    You will be enjoying your life now instead of waiting.

    How is this possible? It is possible because when you start experiencing pleasure in your life now instead of putting off enjoying life until you think you are more worthy you relax. When you relax, you can slow down long enough to recognize your true essence, find your own rhythm, and the things that truly bring you pleasure. When you begin dancing now instead of waiting until you lose enough weight to look good dancing you experience the pure joy of dancing. That is where the alchemy is, in the joy of listening to your soul and doing what brings it joy.

    A few days ago I found out that the “contact me” link on my website was not working.

    I was duly horrified.

    It was tested and it worked when my website first went live. I began to lambast myself for having a broken link on my website and wondered what someone who tried to contact me thought when I did not respond. It is hard enough for someone to gather courage to ask for help with their grief journey and here I was not responding when they did. I could have continued on this track until I convinced myself that I was useless and that I did not deserve to be helping people in this way, I did not deserve to publish my book, I did not deserve to…, but I stopped and took a deep breath.

    Yes, it was deeply disturbing that people may have tried to contacted me and did not get a response but I reminded myself that I am human, the people who put my website together are human, and that the issue is fixed now. I said a prayer for anyone who contacted me and did not get a response, that they found what they needed. I also forgave myself for berating myself up about it. Yes, I am still horrified and embarrassed, and I have given myself permission to be imperfect and human. I want to give you the same permission.

    When you find yourself beating yourself up, or telling yourself you cannot do “x” until you achieve “y,” there are ways to put an end to that construct and begin to move out of the self-abuse pattern and into a self-acceptance pattern.

    Make a list of all the things you want to do and find yourself putting off. There may be many stories you are telling yourself about why you are putting them off. For this exercise, just write down all the things you want to do; do not censure yourself.

    Make a list of everything that brings you pleasure; activities, people, places, food, and so on.

    Continue to add to both lists as you think of more things.

    Now look at both lists and choose one item from each that you can do right now. Pick anything because you do not have to wait until you attain perfection before you let yourself do it.

    Contemplate how you feel when you give yourself permission to enjoy your life now.

    Each day look at your lists and make a choice to enjoy life now rather than putting it off until you achieve the unachievable. The more you engage in your life now the more you will become familiar with what will bring you joy. The more you live a joyful life the better care you will take of yourself, your body, your spirit, and your essence. You do not have to wait to reach a version of yourself deemed beautiful by someone else’s standards because you are taking care of yourself from a deeper place, from a place of respect and loving-kindness.

  • Break Out of Your Trance

    Last time I wrote to you I was getting ready to send the first draft of my book to my editor.

    Since that time, I have done that, had a phone consult with him to look at content and structure of my book, begun rewrites, and met with someone to set up the deadlines necessary to get my book to publish. I have also learned a whole lot about the publishing process. Whew! That is a whirlwind of activity.

    At the same time I am refining my programs and making their reach broader so I can help not only those who are grieving a loss, but also anyone who wants to live a life worth living. As I looked at everything I have on my plate right now, it was clear to me that I needed to change a few things in order to stay focused and not get burned out.

    I knew that I could do everything that I wanted to do if I took a closer look at how I was spending my time.

    I also began to look at my patterns, the way I moved through my day and through my week. I noticed when I tended to veg out, where and when my energy lagged, and when I felt most energetic. I began experimenting, changing things around a bit, all the while noticing the effect on my focus and my energy.

    In a lot of ways it feels like this is an advanced level of finding my own rhythm, something I have been working on since I took early retirement almost three years ago. I am very adaptable and I am finding that can work for and against me. When I do not have enough of a structure in my life, I can “adapt away my day” in other words I can distract myself and loose my focus.

    I decided to join a three month Awakened Accountability group.

    This is providing me with a structure and accountability as I create a schedule for the rewrites of my book, the writing for my programs and the support I need as I move through this time. I have created my own supportive structure. Some of these things are self-care, creativity, play, and good nourishment. When I get busy, play and self-care are the first things that go. Good nourishment is a close second. I get so wrapped up in meeting my deadlines that I forget that taking care of myself will help me meet them in a better, less stressful way. I need to break out of my trance of busy-ness so I can be fully present not only to my writing, but also to everything else that makes my life worth living.

    How can you break out of your trance so that you can have more access to the best parts of your day to accomplish what is most important to you? Here are a few things to try.

    1.  Make a list of all the things you want to accomplish. Write down everything that is important to you and prioritize your list.
    2. Is there a special project you want to take on? If so, make a list of all the components of your project and assign deadlines to each component. How does your special project fit into the list you made in #1?
    3. What kind of self-care and creative endeavor or play do you need to have the energy and inspiration to stay focused on your list? Be specific here: what, how often, and how long.
    4. What stories do you tell yourself about why you do not need self-care or play? Take some time to examine your stories. Where do they come from? Are they even yours, or did you take them on from someone else? What could you do if you did not have this story? Do some writing here, and continue to come back to them. If you know Samyama, it can help you unravel your stories.
    5. Look at your schedule now. Are there patterns you can shift around to access more time in your day? Maybe if you did some movement as play first thing in the morning you would then have more energy later in the day to focus on your project. Or maybe taking a few minutes in the middle of the day to walk outside would make a difference. Experiment and see how you can switch it up and what effect that may have on your energy, your time, or your focus. You can always change it up again if something does not feel right.
    6. Make some time each week to reassess your schedule and your priorities. Pay attention to how you feel, your energy levels at different times of the day and after creativity and play. Notice the difference even a small adjustment to your day or week can make to your schedule.

    We often get stuck in a way of doing things that no longer serves us.

    Maybe it did at one time in our lives, but as we evolve and become more aware of our hopes and dreams the old ways do not have the desired effect any longer. When you find yourself repeating a behavior time after time, yet wanting different results, it is time to take a closer look at your patterns and break out of your own trance.

    Do not be afraid to ask for help. Having someone to help you be accountable can go a long way to help you unravel your limiting stories and find your own rhythm.

  • Progress on My Book

    The last few months have seen me spending an abundance of time on my book.

    Late last year, as I was reflecting on 2015 and looking forward to this year, the top goal on my list was to publish my book. To go from forthcoming author to published author. I knew, in order to do that, I would have to provide myself with enough structure or I would find myself at the end of 2016 making the same goal for 2017. Early this year I set the intention to have the first draft of my book to my editor by the end of March. At the time it seemed like a long time away, yet here it is the last week of March. Each week I scheduled writing time in my calendar so now I find myself ready to send off my draft. I found writing for my book has been a different experience than any other kind of writing I have been doing; writing for my newsletter, blogging or marketing. It often took precedence over all my other writing due to my deadline. It feels wonderful to not only meet my goal but to be a little closer to actually publishing the book.

    As I get ready to send off my precious document, I am feeling vulnerable and exposed.

    Not only because someone will be reading it and commenting on it, but because it will eventually be out in the world. Anyone who reads it will know my story. I wonder if it will open me to ridicule and criticism; or if people will find it helpful. My experience while writing was much like most of my writing experiences; the writing itself feels like it comes through me, like I am merely the mechanism for capturing the words.

    Writing was a necessity because a force outside myself was compelling words to paper.

    I originally intended to write an eBook. When I shared this with my writing coach last summer, he told me my words needed to be in a physical book. A book that could be held in one’s hand or be given to someone in need. Thinking about making a physical manifestation of my work made me take a big gulp before diving back in to do the revisions necessary for a real book. Each time I read the chapters it becomes clearer to me that this is the right path for this book; a physical representation of my journey through the initiation of Leah’s death. An eBook would have been safer, more elusive; an actual book cannot be denied much like the pain of losing my daughter cannot be denied.

    Writing my story took me back to the days of my early grief, of my feelings after her accident, of the hospital and of the days following her death. I was glimpsing them from afar and at the same time reliving them. The tears came as I was transported back to the events that have had the power to completely transform my life. Remembering my path has made me better able to understand my client’s journeys.

    Writing my story has clarified my work.

    It has brought me to a place of deep gratitude for this work, for myself and for others. It has redefined my work, not only for those grieving the loss of a loved one, but for the grief that arises from loss of a relationship, job, health, or any time life turns out differently than you thought it would. I often wish there was another word other than grief to talk about what I do. People often do not want to talk about it and turn away from it until the grief becomes too big to deny. At those times, it can be so big that it is overwhelming and messier to untangle than if the feelings were met when they first came up. I have become comfortable talking about grief and being with the uncomfortable feelings that make up grief, both my own and my clients. I humbly recognize and accept this as one of my greatest gifts. I could have only come to this point by walking through this path myself.

    When I talk about what’s possible with both my transformation and my grief clients it becomes clear to me that both groups can lack inspiration or feel trapped in a life that no longer makes sense. Maybe someone who is looking for a way to transform their life has underlying unresolved grief issues. As I look at the broader reach of my work I realize that everybody enters this work at their own entry point; the place that they arrive at when they are no longer willing to settle for a life that does not make sense, when they are ready to find out what their true purpose in life is, or when limiting stories have kept them stuck in a life that does not serve their highest vision.

    As with every other part of my journey, writing this book at this time is important for what is coming next. My work in the world has been enriched by this experience and it will continue to be so as I bring my book into the world and allow others a more thorough glimpse into my journey.

  • Spring and Transformation

    The weather in Raleigh was warm this week. Each day as I walked around my yard I watched life returning to my plants. Early in the week there was just the hint of green on the end of my blueberry bushes, my elderberry bushes, and my peach tree. As I cleared away leaves from some beds I saw tiny columbine leaves pushing their way through the mulch. Each morning I went out to watch the progress. It seemed like, if I stood there long enough, I would have been able to see the growth. One morning I saw the smallest pink tinge on the azalea bushes. The next day there were dainty pink petals peeking out from the cherries. By the end of the week it was undeniable, the cherries had full blossoms. The azalea blooms were increasing. Buds appeared on the peach tree. Yes, spring is definitely arriving.

    Spring arrives every year without fail.

    Sometimes it comes earlier than others depending on the sun and rainfall, sometimes it is short lived, and it may surprise us, but it always arrives. Why is spring such a welcome sight? When the weather begins to turn warmer and the plants and trees start to bud we are ready for a change. We have just spent several months in colder weather, maybe with snow or ice. The landscape looks barren, with no leaves on the trees and nothing in bloom. Spring brings the hope of longer, warmer days. Spring brings the promise of new life, not only for the plants but also for our spirits. We may feel like we are coming alive again after a long hibernation. Nature is a great teacher. The seasons model life cycles for us: dying, death, rebirth, and lush full life. Each season conspires to teach us valuable lessons if we pay attention.

    There is a correlation between the lessons of nature and the work I do.

    In the spring we often feel our hearts longing more urgently. Just like the sun and warmth urges the plants to grow and bloom, the promise of new life stirs our desires, our ache to create a new life, maybe a life we have always dreamt about, or a pining for clarity, a way to feel calmer and less stressed in your everyday life, or maybe you long to have more confidence. I have been noticing another connection, one between grief work and transformational work. I often find that the journeys are similar.

    My approach to grief and loss work is that they offer an opening into transformational work.

    Clients who begin working with me on grief issues discover that their grief journey is calling them to a higher place. Clients who begin working with me to gain clarity in their lives discover unresolved grief enmeshed in their stories. When we begin to address a feeling of dissatisfaction in the direction of our lives, we often find unresolved grief is an underlying cause. As you travel further along your life’s journey, many of these themes arise. In my work with grief clients we explore ways to distress, incorporate self- care and creativity. Samyama helps us learn how to bring our feelings to our hearts and untangle the stories we tell ourselves. These are all practices that can be applied to any life transformation.

    Because of the similarities, I am able to offer my work to a broader audience.

    Are you feeling overwhelmed and stressed out? Are you unclear on the direction of your life? Do you long for more passion in your life?
    Do you long for a life filled with abundance? Do you long to be more confident?

    Do you long to live a more meaningful life?
    Do you long to live a life in alignment with your desires?

    If you answered yes to any of these questions, my work can help you. I invite you into a personal conversation with me to discern your next step, to see if we are a good fit to work together.

  • Sacred Economy

    I have been exploring Sacred Economy in alignment with Charles Eisenstein’s work for some time now. What does this mean? Charles Eisenstein discusses it in depth in his book Sacred Economics.

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    What it means for me right now is I will share my gifts with my clients for a nominal fee that will cover my cost for being in business. In return I ask to be gifted with an amount equal to the value received.

    More importantly it means moving from a scarcity consciousness to an abundance consciousness.

    It means trusting that all my needs are always taken care of. It means that when I give my gift to the world in the way I am meant to give it and use my God given talents that I have developed further, that I will be taken care of beyond my wildest dreams.

    When someone enters into an agreement to work with me in this way, we both begin to change the consciousness around money and livelihood.

    When we move into a new paradigm of abundance in one area of our life, it begins to shift all areas of your life. The same is true of scarcity. If you live in a scarcity mindset around money, scarcity permeates all aspects of your life.

    What does it mean to live from scarcity? Let’s take a look at language that is used to talk about money.
    Do you often say you cannot afford things?
    Do you run out of money before the end of the month?
    Do you have to scrape something together?
    Do you rob Peter to pay Paul?

    All of us have lived from a place of scarcity; it is the way we were conditioned. There were many times when I was living there that we needed money for something, a specific amount of money for an unexpected expense. In those moments, when we truly did not know where the money was going to come from, I always surrendered and trusted that whatever we needed would come to us and I did not need to know how it was going to happen. Mind you this was way before I started on my journey of trusting my intuition, of investigating abundance, and of looking into sacred economics. Each time I did that the money always came, each and every time without fail. Maybe that was the beginning of my learning to trust that my needs would be taken care of before I could name it as that. Maybe that was planting the seeds to further investigate sacred economy. Whatever it was, it impressed upon me what happens when we let go of expectations and trust we are in good hands.

    As I have grown my business, whenever I go deep inside to ask my inner wisdom for guidance, changing the structure of how I get paid has been jockeying for attention. I even put it out on Facebook last August to see what would happen. You can bet that every time I get close to stepping fully into this new system, the stories come roaring into my thoughts. Stories based on fear. Scarcity and fear go hand in hand. When I lived full time in scarcity fear was my constant companion.

    Fear kept me from living my life fully.

    Fear kept me safe or so I thought. I am sure you have heard that real growth happens just outside your comfort zone. That is true, and the more I lived from abundance, the more my comfort zone expanded. The more it expanded, the more I grew, the more abundant my life got and the more I was urged to take a closer look at sacred economy. I wrote about it, prayed about it, sat with it, and each time I was ready to fully implement it, the fear came back. My stories wondered if I would be taken advantage of, if I would not make enough to pay my bills, if anyone would find value in the work I am doing in the world.

    Eventually it became more difficult to ignore the urging than to follow my guidance.

    Yes, fear still does make its way into my life. The difference these days is that I get curious about that fear, about what growth is possible if I enter that particular uncomfortable place. The last vestige of scarcity still tries to hold me back from radically trusting that this is an abundant world where my needs as well as everyone else’s needs will always be met. As I write about scarcity I can feel my body constricting, getting smaller, my breath shallow.

    Do you feel it too as you read this? Take a deep breath with me. Expand our belly with your breath, feel your body relax and expand. Breathe in abundance and love and gratitude.

    Gratitude and love live in the same neighborhood as abundance.

    My body expands when I live there, and as I take a stand and say out loud and publicly that I now operate my business in a sacred economy consciousness I do so with gratitude.

    There are many good coaches out there who teach money mindset and abundance. I am not one of them. I have learned from several that when we begin to live in abundance we will recognize how it affects other areas of our lives. There will be enough money, gifts and resources for all of us to live a life that sustains us completely. Peter and Paul can both have what they need, and we can all relax in the knowledge that not only do we have enough; we are enough.

    I have a crazy notion that one day we will not need money.

    That everyone living from abundance will freely share their gifts with the world and we will all have our needs met in ways we can only imagine now. For now though money is the currency that provides our needs. By bringing consciousness to our spending and our earning, to our gifting and receiving we are changing the world.