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OK, I am cheating.

I am pre-scheduling this post to run a couple days after my surgery to talk about anticipatory grief. What is that? It is the grief that you fear is coming and that you can’t stop from happening. It is the fear that grips me now, in not knowing the outcome and what will be the result of my surgery.  It is the aftermath of the things that I will have to contend with post-surgery as I begin to heal and cope with life after prostate cancer.

In your life you will have these moments. As your parents begin to fade in vitality and health. They will no longer be able to fully participate in their lives and you will begin to wonder, “How will I be able to handle their decline and eventually their death?”

We, all will find anticipatory grief present in our lives. It will not just be, in the fear of death but, it will also be present in our everyday events. You have already experienced if you had a sleepless night worrying about a school test, a job interview, the closing on the new home, or that bill due at the end of the month. All these examples are little griefs that occur in our lives that we don’t recognize as grief but that fit the definition of grief.

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.

From my examples, you feel conflicted about studying enough for a test, do you have the qualifications that this job is looking for, will the bank or lawyers hold up or prevent the closing on our new home or where will the money come from for that bill? These are simple recognizable examples.

There are other occasions where we anticipate an outcome with unexpected or anticipated outcomes. How about this tiny grief? You are in traffic on the expressway, however it is not expressing. The lane next to you seems to be moving better than the one you are in, so you make your move and properly change into the faster lane only to come to a complete stop.

Believe it or not this meets the definition of grief. A tiny one, yes. Insignificant? Well, did it have an impact on your day? Did you take your frustration out on your co-workers or your family? My point is that we do not recognize all the times when grief is present. We are not prepared when grief appears or when it is on the horizon and there is nothing we can do to change the outcome.

We can do better at preparing for loss and its accompanying grief. We can do better at becoming more comfortable with difficult subjects. That is our mission at Being with Grief, to change the conversation around grief. When we realize that things are about to happen and as they say “Its about to go down.” Don’t shy away from the meaningful conversations, find a way to open the door to honest and authentic conversations about the important things. Find resources and turn to those experienced in what you are facing. Help is there.

   

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One of our early attempts at providing grief support out to the community was to use MeetUp. MeetUp is an online community that intends to gather like minded people together for a common activity. In our case, to create a community gathering where it would be ok to talk about grief.  MeetUp seemed like the answer to get people talking about this important subject.

In 2015, Nancy incorporated and registered Being with Grief as a business in North Carolina. We thought that MeetUp would help us get out the message that there was an alternative to traditional therapy. That talking to a couple who had had an unimaginable loss might seem more approachable for people. We felt it would meet a community need and it seemed to us as an obvious niche that we were ready to tackle.

After all we had stumbled after our own grief almost overwhelmed us.

We were not aware of the available resources and were not open to traditional therapy. We had evolved in our thinking and our practice to a place where we could talk through our pain. Our company was Being with grief and we were comfortable in holding everything we had experienced as part of our personal healing.

Making a place for people to feel safe talking about their loss seemed like a no brainer. MeetUp provided a forum for people looking for help. An app that people were getting familiar with that made collaboration and sharing information easy. It seemed like a great match.

What we failed to realize was just how reluctant people are to opening up about grief. It is difficult sharing sadness that can accompany significant loss. This reluctance is tied to many of the things we learned growing up observing our parents and how they grieved. This learned observations condition us with expectations on how we will react to similar situations.

I can’t ever remember seeing my father cry or be sad. As an army sergeant he was always on point and never showed emotion. He had a great sense of humor and a short fuse when it came to tolerating our failures or misbehaviors. He wasn’t raised that way. I learned to keep my emotions in check because of what I observed. I have come to realize that this conditioning must be one of the reasons that clients and people in general find it so difficult to open up with others.

We kept the MeetUp group going for better than 3 years.

We met in convenient places, the library, and several senior living facilities that opened their common rooms for our use. Over that time we served over a dozen people who showed up to the bi-monthly meetings that we held. What was frustrating for us was that the MeetUp app registered over 200 people expressing interest in a grief group. We held our meetings on weekends and maybe that a time when most people wanted to relax from a work week of had chores to do. Self-care and taking care of those chores are important. A healthy psyche and emotional well-being when you are grieving is also too important to overlook. Nancy and I continue to offer help to those who have felt the brokenness of grief. Our approach is to change the conversation around grief and we look forward to those heart to heart talks.

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I know that “Patience” is difficult for me. While I try to make the best of things, sometimes it is just not easy. As I count down the days to a surgical procedure, my mind wanders to all the “what if’s” and begins to spin into chaos. Thankfully, I have some tools to use to get me out of the hamster wheel of doubt and fear.

“Patience is calmly dealing with a difficult or frustrating situation.”

“Patience is a purposeful activity. When working on patience it is helpful to start with self-reflection.” How do you prompt yourself to be patient? A tool that I use is meditation. My wife and I sit each morning to focus on being present and the promise that the day holds.  I check in with where I am feeling impatience.

What makes you feel impatient? It may help to make a list of things that cause you to recognize when you are feeling out of patience. When we try to be in control and change an outcome it can cause the discomfort of impatience. Often the solution is to change your mindset about the situation.

Here are some common signs of impatience:

Muscle tension

Shallow breathing

Hand clenching

Restless feet

Irritability or anger

Anxiety

Nervousness

Making snap decisions

When grief enters your life, you may feel the need to be in control of an uncontrollable situation. Patience at this time is very difficult to accomplish. Grief can manifest in many forms like impatience, confusion, depression and many other symptoms that need our attention. Developing the necessary tools to recognize and manage these stressors can be helpful in dealing with grief. That certainly is the case with the need to feel in control when we want something to be different from the way it is it.

Why is patience such a challenge for most of us?

Being in control is often a trick we play on ourselves in our attempt to bring order to chaos. It can dearly cost you if you constantly try to tie yourself up with controlling every aspect of your life. It can lead to deeper health issues and affect our self image. Whenever we try to change and exert control it can lead to anxiety.

Anxiety is classified as a mental health disorder especially when it involves high levels of fear and worry. Generally, the feelings that occur affect behavior and emotions which may also cause visible physical symptoms these can include:

Avoiding social gatherings – Isolating

Sweaty palms, dry mouth racing pulse

Restlessness

Irritability

Trouble falling asleep

Staying awake

Panic attacks

Fatigue or tiredness

Concentration issues

Many of these same symptoms are associated with grief. When I was in the middle of my grief  over my daughter’s death, I had many of these ailments. What I learned from the Grief Recovery Method is that grief is about our uncommunicated feelings. When we take responsibility for them we can begin to alleviate the symptoms because we are engaging with our feelings rather than turning away and denying them. Taking small correct steps can make the difference. Talking about your feelings to someone can begin the process and set you on your own road to recovery.

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Here is a little known fact about me. I was adopted as an infant. My adoptive parents raised three of us in a wonderful loving home. I wish that I had been able to share with my parents, Dolores and Vincent, the profound sense of gratitude that I feel for the life that they provided me. Their sacrifices for us and the love that they gave to us, impacts me more as I grow older and observe my own family. All this came into focus for me when I decided to take the Ancestry DNA Genetic test.

What would have that life have been like?

The genetic test result revealed a very involved story. It turns out that my immediate maternal family includes two biological brothers and a brother-cousin and 2 more brothers on my paternal side. If you are wondering what a brother-cousin is; we share the same father between two sisters. It is a complicated tale that may turn into a screenplay or short story. At this later stage of our lives, we have now met, shared our stories and stay in contact as our individual families grow.

For me, this advance in genetics raises a profound grief, one that is hard for me to reconcile. This is the grief of having met my biological brothers and grieving for the “what might have been” life.

What if I had grown up with them?

It is complicated by the fact that if I had been raised with my biological brothers, then my story would have been very different. It may have also altered the biological family structure.  In my maternal and adopted family, I was the oldest child.  In my adopted family, this meant that there were expectations of what I would do with my life. In my biological family, I will never know just what or how those expectations would have shaped my life. Thinking about many “what if” moments is hard for me. The life that I have led would not have existed. I can’t imagine a different life, different friends, different schools. I cannot comprehend not having met my wife Nancy or having our children and now grandchildren. I can’t stay in that space for long before I get a headache.

In the age of genetic testing and the possibility of tracing your biological family roots, I have been lucky to find my biological brothers. I had not anticipated the unexpected sense of grief when I decided to take the test. It is a mixed bag of emotions that stems from those two separate branches of my story that will never be resolved. There will always be questions and a sense of wonder.

The 1950’s were a much different time than today. My birth mother made an extremely hard decision. Although it has taken the better part of 60 years to uncover the story, getting to know my brothers, their lives, and their families, who have been so open and supportive of me has been a wonderful journey. I appreciate my good fortune to have been adopted by my parents and the life they provided. This life of mine has been blessed in many ways.

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As a young man, I was raised in a Catholic household. I attended Mass and was even an altar boy during my grade school days. Aside from my great grandmother’s wake, the funerals that I served as an altar boy was my primary exposure to how people grieved. Somewhere around the 5th grade, maybe 10 years old, I became an acolyte or altar boy. We learned the Mass in Latin and then had to learn it again in English once the Vatican changed the rules allowing the local language to be used in place of Latin.

There was a certain sincere formalness to serving a Mass in latin. All the prayers and hymns were beautiful in their archaic splendor. It captured a certain feeling that the soul was eternal and the Church was there to help the transition from the physical to the spiritual. The formalness offered relief from sadness in such a send off that must have been comforting. Yet, the comforting words that were spoken only touched the surface of what the grieving family members were going through.

Sermons meant to bring a loved ones life into focus.

After the funeral, the procession to the cemetery took place. There the final grave site prayers and goodbyes were said. This was the saddest part of the day when tears flowed and grief became a physical weight upon the family. It was the “after” service part of the day that offered a different and supportive element to the day filled with memories and goodbyes.

What followed was a luncheon/reception or family gathering to share a meal. This tradition started because people would travel distances to the memorial and prior to departing a small meal would be offered to send them off. What really happened was a feeding of the soul and the beginning to the process of healing.

It became an occasion for the church to open the doors and extend a welcome. Volunteers from the parish would prepare the meal. A much more informal sharing of grief would follow. Stories and cherished memories of the loved ones adventures and misadventures would be told. There would be laughter and a few tears but what impressed me was the sense that this gathering was a celebration of the life well lived.

Many Faiths have similar rituals that offer support to families at those moments of sorrow and grief. Just like they offer support to the joyous occasions. Our shared experiences are what begin to draw us together.  There is a balm in these moments for the sore emotions and the tired physical treadmill that are part of saying goodbye. Recognizing that with tragic moments, there will also be gentler moments. That replenishment is available and will follow when you fill empty. When we share our tragedy we don’t have to carry as much of it. It reminds us that we are not alone and that people are willing to be there to help lift you.