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Early Grief

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In talking about early grief, I consider it as two separate categories. The first can be called a “life-defining” grief, in my case, the grief I felt soon after our daughter, Leah died. The second is the grief you accumulate early in your life.

For me, this early life grief was a series of incidents that I dug up during my sessions with the grief recovery method or (GRM). Part of the GRM process is to look back at your life to recall all of the moments when a loss occurred. For example, my little league baseball career was not the brightest spot in my childhood. I believe that on my team, I had the most walks of any of my team mates. Not a single hit in two consecutive seasons of play between years 7 and 8.

That was my baseball story, until the championship game of my second year. With one out, at the top of the 9th inning, I got up to bat. I was nervous, and closing my eyes, I swung at and hit my first fair ball. I got a single. I was elated! It might make the difference on how the season ended. However, the next 2 batters couldn’t connect, the game ended. Championship lost!

My team didn’t go to Dog and Suds for the celebratory ice cream treat.

Seems like an insignificant loss, however, when you are 8, it was crushing. It wasn’t until I looked back at this seemly small loss that I realized I had never let go of the feelings that went along with not having my contribution count towards the success of the team. It didn’t affect the outcome of my life and certainly wasn’t a life-defining loss. Yet, it factored into how I had accumulated an unnecessary burden.

The story of the death of a pet is a similar story of loss. A loss associated with the death of a beloved pet teaches you a life lesson. It doesn’t hurt any less and as a child it was traumatic. I was not taught how to complete the feelings and say a proper goodbye and so the emotions lingered. Whether it is a pet gold fish, a turtle a beloved dog or cat loss is hard for a kid. Parents have a teaching opportunity but often deflect and minimize the loss because they don’t want to see their child suffer.

How many losses are you aware of that you still carry?

The early grief associated with Leah’s death was entirely different. The impact of the loss affected every part of me physical, mentally and spiritually. I have spoken about the disconnect I felt and the numbness that came once I felt that I had been unmoored from anything that resembled my past. Nancy and I talk of the uncharted territory of grief and it is a very strange land indeed. Nothing is familiar and the weight of the sadness and the pain of the loss was too much to bear at times. I had to retreat to a place that gave me some relief. I had a hard time concentrating and decisions were difficult. I had lost a daughter and with it nothing seemed familiar.

I didn’t feel comfortable in my body. Everything hurt. Spiritually, I felt disconnected from anything resembling what I grew up believing. How could God take my daughter? I felt abandoned. Even our Church community shocked us. There was initial sympathy and support from a few friends, but when we attended church there was a barrier because the congregation as a whole didn’t have the words or the skill to bridge the chasm that separated us from what was normal and comfortable. We were an anomaly. The feeling of being alienated because no one knew how to respond to a couple who had lost a daughter felt surreal.

Be mindful if and when there was grief associated with any loss.

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August 4, 2021
Through the Gate

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I took this picture on a recent walk.

I’ve always been fascinated by wrought iron gates.

Gates are a common image in guided meditations, in dreams, on a walk.

For me, they represent entrances into a mysterious place, my inner realm.

Gates have appeared at many important times of my life.

There was a gate into the yard of office of my Samyama practitioner when I was processing early grief. (And it matched a gate I’ve often seen in a dream)

I used to love swinging on the gate to my yard as a child. I can still remember the feeling of freedom that I felt as I was doing it.

This gate is locked, AND it is not attached to anything on either side.

We easily walked around it.

Gates can represent entrance into something wonderful, or they can block passage to a place that is forbidden, (at least in some stories or dreams) or a place that we don’t want to enter.

Maybe, if we look closer, the gates that we think are keeping us safe, that we don’t want to enter aren’t attached either. Maybe upon closer examination, there is a way around.

Grief can feel like this sometimes.

It feels like a locked gate, and we avoid it at all costs because we don’t want to go to a place that is unfamiliar. Grief can feel like uncharted territory.

What if we find that when we go through the gate, we are greeted by a guide who will show us how to meet our grief with grace? That’s what happened for me when I when through that gate early in my grief journey.

What will you find when you go through the gated you come across in your journey?

You need only to be willing to enter.

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August 4, 2021
Men’s Grief

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Men’s grief is distinctly different type of grief that I would like to talk about. When you are asked how are you? What is your response? If you are like me, I usually say, “I’m fine.” What that translates to for me is:

F – Feelings

I – Internalized

N – Not

E – Expressed

Men suffer from Y-Chromosome conditioning. From a young age we are told, not to cry, to walk it off and to toughen up. In other words, to stuff our emotions and don’t let on to anyone how you feel. If you do this long enough you lose touch with any feeling except for maybe the basic five.

The basic five are Sad, Mad, Glad, Fear and Shame. When I first heard of the basic five I balked, but over time I realized that I functioned at this level most of the time early in my grief. Not that I functioned particularly well but when you are overwhelmed by grief, these basic feelings kind of make sense.

You know when you are angry, and it is easy to lash out when you are in the middle of your grief. You know what passes for glad and sad, you feel sad all the time in grief and you know that you can never be happy again. So, glad becomes a compromise that you give to other people as in, “I’m glad for you.” Fear and shame are something you can’t admit but you know them when you feel it. You can’t show either of these feelings because of the myth of “being strong in times of trouble.”

The myth of “being strong in times of trouble.”

We are conditioned to be the rugged individual and an independent contractor that has been romanticized in movies and on television. The hero never shows his broken nature. If you think of John Wayne or Clint Eastwood it is easy to picture this type of hero. Lately, we have had flawed characters like Batman but even then he takes a beating and lives through it. This stereotype of “strong and silent” keeps men isolated and incapable of leaning on each other.

Never speaking of feelings because you feel ashamed by them and uncomfortable is the unfortunate norm. Fear of being vulnerable of admitting that you can’t do it on your own is unthinkable. Less than 5-10% of all men who experience life defining grief will seek professional support. Another 5-10% of men have or will find male support either through small group, mens support networks or faith based church groups These examples are supportive and not addiction based groups like AL-Anon or Nar-Anon that focus on specific areas of support.

That still leaves 75% or 3 out of 4 men who are unsupported and are in a slow spiral that can rob you of the possibility of health, success and happiness. I have seen men on the job site in obvious pain who struggle, suffer and enter into despair, ruining their lives, health and happiness. Drinking too much, eating unhealthy and taking their frustrations out on others. What possible good can happen when you are alone and suffering?

I’ll explore this in more detail in another posting.

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August 3, 2021
Reclaiming My Voice Through My Grief Journey

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One of the biggest changes I’ve experienced as I traveled along my grief journey is speaking up; I’ve reclaimed my voice.

As I prepared to bring my book into the world I needed to cultivate the capacity to tell my story in the way I was being called to tell it.

This was very daunting for me. I grew up with a severe stutter. I avoided speaking (not just speaking to an audience) at all costs. I felt shame, and was sure something was deeply wrong with me. Yet, by this time, I recognized my inner guidance. I knew what it felt like in my body, and I was being called to tell my story.

I prepared for this calling in several ways.

I worked with an Embodied Movement coach to cultivate the space in my body to hold my story. I found that even after all the inner work I had done through my life, my body was still holding on to remnants of old stuff that needed to be released. I was able to free up space in my body so that I could embody my story. This work was so powerful that when my coach offered her work to other professionals to learn how to incorporate it into their own work with clients, I took it, and now am able to use Embodied Movement Practices with my own clients to help them to move old feelings through, and make space for where life is calling them now.

I joined Toastmasters, Video Mojo Toastmasters, specifically. Here I was able to not only learn how to speak in from of an audience, I learned how to create good quality videos, as well as how to create a You Tube Channel.

I also worked with a voice and messaging coach. She helped me to speak with emotion in my voice without breaking down. Up until that time, I could tell my story, yet there was no emotion in my voice or face. It was one of the ways I protected myself from completely losing my composure. Learning how to tell my story with emotion, with vulnerability helps me to connect with my audiences.

One of the myths of grief is that time heals all wounds.

It’s a myth because it’s not just the time that heals; it’s what you do with that time. Similarly, finding my voice, there were things I needed to do to use it effectively. I learned how to embody my story, so I could tell it with vulnerability, confidence, and grace.

Finding my voice not only assisted my to tell my story, it also helps me in my everyday life. I now speak up when I am compelled to speak. I’ve discovered that when I speak from my heart, I do not stutter.

I’ve dismantled the shame.

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August 3, 2021
Grief Recovery Method

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In my first blog, I mentioned that I am a Grief Recovery Method – Advanced Specialist. For clarity, I want to explain what that role is and why I became certified in this method.

Our daughter, Leah died of massive head trauma caused by a single car accident on the way to school. She was hospitalized in early November 2000, just weeks before Thanksgiving. She lay in a coma for 5 days before being declared brain dead. We were then faced with the question of removing her from life support so that she could be an organ donor in accordance with her wishes.

After our daughter’s death I struggled with my life. It became difficult to complete many of my normal day to day tasks. I felt numb and had trouble concentrating. What once was important to me, my job, keeping the yard in shape and paying attention to my relationships became hard to relate to and harder to deal with because I wasn’t dealing with my grief.

I went through much of the day’s routine on autopilot. If I had to make a decision, it was made with effort and out of necessity. I didn’t always make the best choice. Had I been able to make clearer decisions; mistakes probably wouldn’t have been made. When I lost my daughter, the combination of numbness, zoning out on television and video games and loosing interest in everything became too much to bear.

I put my feelings on the top shelf in my mind’s closet marked “TO BE DEALT WITH LATER.”

I saw that my wife, Nancy was making progress on her own path towards healing the brokenness that we both were feeling. It took me a long time to figure out that I had to do something even if it was uncomfortable. I had no reference to compare these feelings with and I felt like I was drifting. I wasn’t myself and I didn’t know how to feel. I realized that I had stuffed all my feelings not just the sadness of loss but every feeling into a cardboard box, duct taped it closed and put it on the top shelf in my mind’s closet marked “TO BE DEALT WITH LATER.”

So I could remain numb to the grief that was breaking my heart.

I would have another beer or a glass of wine and stuff the feelings so I could remain numb to the grief that was breaking my heart. As I stumbled along, those emotions in the box let me know that I couldn’t ignore the work that was ahead. I sought a referral from a friend who recommended a therapist. The therapist helped me with being able to talk about compartmentalizing my feelings. I could choose to give myself permission to open the box and deal with what was inside, if I wanted to begin healing. That was a breakthrough.

This began my own path to healing on a journey that I never wanted to take. That first step was important but I realized that I did not have the tools or skill set to continue the work on my own. In searching for grief support on the internet, I came across the Grief Recovery Institutes website. There, I found that the Institute had started over 35 years ago, by John James, an engineer who had found himself in a situation similar to mine. He had lost an infant daughter. At the time, there wasn’t many resources, so he created a method that allowed him to examine the occurrences of grief in his life. The method also developed the tools the program uses to heal the pain associated with all the uncommunicated feelings and emotions of his loss.

This really appealed to me and I enrolled to learn the method and to take the certification so that I could educate people like me who needed help. That overwhelming tidal wave of feelings hits you when you life changes so completely, so suddenly. Our culture does a poor job preparing you for this situation and if I could help another man or another couple learn ways to heal then I felt called to step up.

I took the training in 2015 and in 2020 due in part to COVID 19, the Grief Recovery Method Institute offered a series of courses that allowed the licensees to conduct the method via a virtual classroom. Today I offer both in person and virtual classes in a 6 or 8 week format to heal the grief associated with loss. It saved my marriage and did a world of good for me in dealing with the pain and I am grateful that I can now help others.

Recovery is possible

Dan

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August 2, 2021
The Rhythm of Time

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One of the things that I often talk about is recognizing the impact that the rhythm of time has had on my grief journey.

All throughout my life, I’ve always been fascinated by how time can feel different, depending on what is going on. Maybe that’s why I was so aware of the surreal quality time took on as I traveled my grief journey.

In the very early days of my grief journey, I was aware a different rhythm to the weeks and weekends. The weeks were spent trying to get back to normal, even though it was a new normal. The weekends had more space to feelings to arise, and I was so weary from trying to go back to a semblance of normal, that all I could do is sleep. And then Monday would come again, and I the pattern would repeat, over and over until I began to slowly do the work to change this particular rhythm.

Another time that I noticed a different rhythm was around holidays and milestone days.

Sometimes it was because a particular holiday held special memories for my family. Other times it is because a holiday changes the normal rhythm of our lives anyway.

What do you notice as a holiday or milestone day approaches? Do you feel anxiety arising, and not know why? It could be because of associative memories, or it could be the shift in the way time feels around these times.

This year, I noticed a shift at Memorial Day because of memories of last year, as we were beginning to quarantine. What I’ve discovered is that each year brings different feelings depending on what has gone on the year before. That’s why it’s important to ask yourself each year as a holiday, or milestone day approaches, what you need this year. Each year may be different.

When we give ourselves the space to be present to what we need now, we are able to find it.

In the early days of my grief journey, often I found myself wishing a certain day would not come so I wouldn’t have extra time to feel those painful feelings, or I would use diversion or distraction to numb the feelings. I found that was not helpful. It did not make the feelings go away. It make them louder and more intense, and they eventually have to be felt anyway.

When you are facing a difficult milestone, or holiday, take some time to ask yourself what you need this year, now, today. Not what worked last year or even last month.

The more I sit in presence, the more I receive exactly what I need in each moment.

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August 2, 2021
Grief Work

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I have spent a lot of time thinking about and working with grief including the pain, doubt, fear and shame that accompanies this human condition. While I have come to understand that grief is a normal and natural condition, I now also understand that grief as an emotion is different from living with the feeling of grief.

Grief is complicated, wrapped in misunderstanding and worthy of a closer look.

As an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist, we are shown that grief occurs whenever a familiar pattern of behavior changes. What does that mean? This idea may or may not be familiar to you; I struggled to understand the concept until I thought of the following examples from my life:

The loss of a relationship is an obvious example of a pattern that changes. Whether it is a first love or a love that has lasted a lifetime, when a relationship ends it can be devastating. When there isn’t an answer to you calling their name, the pattern has changed and grief enters. Many examples of this type of loss is common and I’ll re-visit some of them in later writings.

Loss of a job is another example that most people will understand. When you have gotten into the rhythm of a job and the job is no longer available, you can experience grief. Whether it is because the job is over or there was a layoff, when you no longer have to punch a clock or show up as scheduled it can affect your sense of worth and put your life and finances upside down. COVID-19 caused us to miss the relationships that develop in a work environment. This is another example of feeling grief associated with virtual work and a significant pattern change.

Loss of a pet, whether it is missing the daily walk or the couch cuddles is a loss of pattern that can leave you raw. Especially, the unconditional love they give us when that love is no longer there. Pets offer us many examples of living in the moment whether it is scratching at the door for the urgent nature call or the plaintive meows when it is dinner and the bowl is empty.

These living in the moment patterns impact our routines.

If you are like me, I love my morning routine of a morning cup of coffee and a silent prayer at the start of the day. Routines offer consistency and are comforting. You know what to expect. When the unexpected happens and the pattern changes we can be thrown into chaos and struggle with those doubts, fears and shame.

You can bet that at some point in your life, you will be faced with a major change in your routine.

Whether it is one of the situations that I mention above or perhaps one that came to you as you read this post. What we do when our patterns change, how we adjust, what we shed, what we keep and how we pick ourselves up will be covered as I delve into tackling the challenging subject of men’s grief and begin to peal back the layers on my story.

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August 1, 2021
Grief

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I have spent a lot of time thinking about and working with grief including the pain, doubt, fear and shame that accompanies this human condition. While I have come to understand that grief is a normal and natural condition, I now also understand that grief as an emotion is different from living with the feeling of grief.

Grief is complicated, wrapped in misunderstanding and worthy of a closer look.

As an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist, we are shown that grief occurs whenever a familiar pattern of behavior changes. What does that mean? This idea may or may not be familiar to you; I struggled to understand the concept until I thought of the following examples from my life:

The loss of a relationship is an obvious example of a pattern that changes. Whether it is a first love or a love that has lasted a lifetime, when a relationship ends it can be devastating. When there isn’t an answer to you calling their name, the pattern has changed and grief enters. Many examples of this type of loss is common and I’ll re-visit some of them in later writings.

Loss of a job is another example that most people will understand. When you have gotten into the rhythm of a job and the job is no longer available, you can experience grief. Whether it is because the job is over or there was a layoff, when you no longer have to punch a clock or show up as scheduled it can affect your sense of worth and put your life and finances upside down. COVID-19 caused us to miss the relationships that develop in a work environment. This is another example of feeling grief associated with virtual work and a significant pattern change.

Loss of a pet, whether it is missing the daily walk or the couch cuddles is a loss of pattern that can leave you raw. Especially, the unconditional love they give us when that love is no longer there. Pets offer us many examples of living in the moment whether it is scratching at the door for the urgent nature call or the plaintive meows when it is dinner and the bowl is empty.

These living in the moment patterns impact our routines.

If you are like me, I love my morning routine of a morning cup of coffee and a silent prayer at the start of the day. Routines offer consistency and are comforting. You know what to expect. When the unexpected happens and the pattern changes we can be thrown into chaos and struggle with those doubts, fears and shame.

You can bet that at some point in your life, you will be faced with a major change in your routine.

Whether it is one of the situations that I mention above or perhaps one that came to you as you read this post. What we do when our patterns change, how we adjust, what we shed, what we keep and how we pick ourselves up will be covered as I delve into tackling the challenging subject of men’s grief and begin to peal back the layers on my story.

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I have spent a lot of time thinking about and working with grief including the pain, doubt, fear and shame that accompanies this human condition. While I have come to understand that grief is a normal and natural condition, I now also understand that grief as an emotion is different from living with the feeling of grief.

Grief is complicated, wrapped in misunderstanding and worthy of a closer look.

As an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist, we are shown that grief occurs whenever a familiar pattern of behavior changes. What does that mean? This idea may or may not be familiar to you; I struggled to understand the concept until I thought of the following examples from my life:

The loss of a relationship is an obvious example of a pattern that changes. Whether it is a first love or a love that has lasted a lifetime, when a relationship ends it can be devastating. When there isn’t an answer to you calling their name, the pattern has changed and grief enters. Many examples of this type of loss is common and I’ll re-visit some of them in later writings.

Loss of a job is another example that most people will understand. When you have gotten into the rhythm of a job and the job is no longer available, you can experience grief. Whether it is because the job is over or there was a layoff, when you no longer have to punch a clock or show up as scheduled it can affect your sense of worth and put your life and finances upside down. COVID-19 caused us to miss the relationships that develop in a work environment. This is another example of feeling grief associated with virtual work and a significant pattern change.

Loss of a pet, whether it is missing the daily walk or the couch cuddles is a loss of pattern that can leave you raw. Especially, the unconditional love they give us when that love is no longer there. Pets offer us many examples of living in the moment whether it is scratching at the door for the urgent nature call or the plaintive meows when it is dinner and the bowl is empty.

These living in the moment patterns impact our routines.

If you are like me, I love my morning routine of a morning cup of coffee and a silent prayer at the start of the day. Routines offer consistency and are comforting. You know what to expect. When the unexpected happens and the pattern changes we can be thrown into chaos and struggle with those doubts, fears and shame.

You can bet that at some point in your life, you will be faced with a major change in your routine.

Whether it is one of the situations that I mention above or perhaps one that came to you as you read this post. What we do when our patterns change, how we adjust, what we shed, what we keep and how we pick ourselves up will be covered as I delve into tackling the challenging subject of men’s grief and begin to peal back the layers on my story.

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August 1, 2021
Back to Basics

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Sometimes it’s good to go back to the basics.

I’ve been talking about grief for a long time. I sometimes forget that not everyone is as comfortable talking about it as I am. Let’s talk for a moment about what grief is.

Grief is the normal response to any loss. We experience a lot of loss during our lifetime, and we don’t always recognize it as grief.

I used to think that I experienced grief for the first time when a loved one died. I faced the loss of my grandparents, and my mother before Leah died. Even though I did, it did not prepare me for the death of my daughter.

As I traveled the course of my grief journey after my daughter died, I came to realize that grief is a lifelong journey. We are challenged with many life transitions and losses of differing degrees, over the course of our lives. We aren’t taught how to handle the feelings that arise when these losses occur.

Here are a few of my own encounters with grief.

In school I was always picked last for team games, and I didn’t make the cheer leading squad. Parents or teachers may down play what they consider a minor disappointment. To me these things did not feel minor. Maybe you’ve had a similar experience.

I was sexually abused, beginning at age 8, and I felt like I was worthless for a long time after that.

Dan and I were in a car accident while I was pregnant with Peter, and it resulted in a C-section. We lost the ability to have the kind of birth we wanted, and Dan was not present at his son’s birth.

While I may not have recognized that grief entered into my life at these times; they had a huge impact nonetheless. What impact does unrecognized grief have on your life? How can you fully know the answer to that question?

Looking back from my current vantage point I can see that all of these experiences helped to shape me, and I was able to go back and grieve for these losses once I had the skills and resources available to me, most of which I cultivated after Leah died.

What if I would have had some of these skills available when these events occurred during my life?

What if I had known that it was ok to feel sad about not becoming a cheerleader, instead of lying about going to tryouts so I didn’t have to face my disappointment in front of my family?

What if you were taught how to meet your “minor” disappointments when they happened? We’re often taught to get over it, or move on to the next thing before we fully honor what has gone before. I would have been so much better prepared for the death of a loved one if I knew that my sad and painful feelings were ok to have, and if I was taught the skills to feel them without the intense overwhelm that often accompanies these feelings.

We think, I thought, that if I pushed them away, or used some kind of diversion, they will eventually go away and I wouldn’t have to feel them. (Have you ever felt that way?)

For me, the opposite was true. The more I pushed them away, the more intense they became. I knew I would have to find a way to allow myself to feel the feelings or I would not be able to honor Leah in the way I was being called to honor her.

I learned how to meet my feelings, one at a time, in my heart so that they could shift, so that I could eventually know that it was possible to reclaim myself again; so that I was able to live a meaningful and purposeful life. So that I was able to feel joy again,

And that is how I honor Leah. I help others to find meaning and purpose in their lives again.

Moving through grief, healing your heart does not mean that you will forget your loved one.

Love won’t let that happen.

I feel more connected to Leah now than I ever did, and I feel her presence often.

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August 1, 2021
Everything I Have Done…..

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“Everything you have done until now has prepared you for what is next.”

When I heard that message shortly after Leah died, I had no idea that it meant EVERYTHING; every little thing that I have ever gone through in my entire life. I came to that realization after a week of book events in Chicago shortly after my book launched. I kept going back to experiences from my childhood. Things like the difficulties I had with some of the kids in the neighborhood, the hard time I had fitting in at school, the mixed messages I got at home, and the fact that I had a severe stutter.

I would find myself saying after remembering each memory, “Surely not this too?” And then I would receive the gift of that difficult experience; every, single, time. It became so that I stopped questioning the events of my life, I knew almost as soon as something came into my awareness what it was there to teach me how it had prepared me for what’s next.

Does this sound daunting to you?

It did to me too when I first heard the message. I wanted it to mean that only the helpful things were what I needed to prepare me for my next. Things like courses I had taken or practices that brought me joy. I wanted only the “good things” to be my helpers. If the “bad” things were also there to assist me, that would mean that I would have to pay attention to them, and I didn’t want to do that, any more than you want to do that. I came to see that “good” and “bad” are labels that we put on our experiences. Yes, some may be more pleasurable, some more difficult, but they are all there to be in service to our awakening; our saying yes to stepping into the fullness of who we are in any given moment.

One thing that helped me tremendously in navigating my “everythings” was presence. When I can be present to the feelings that arise in this moment about difficult experiences I can begin to unravel the sticky stories that my head continues to spin about those experiences. Bringing the feelings to my heart to be shifted, further understood, and eventually transmuted. This is the process that I use when I work with grief clients, and it is also the process that I use with every client who is following the breadcrumbs of their “everything” in order to reclaim their lives and live an engaged life. The life you’ve always dreamed of living.

I’m often asked to describe presence, and I can spend a lot of time talking about what it is. I’ve written a lot about it and have done several videos about it. Because presence is a direct experience practice, until you experience it for yourself, you will not really know what it is.

I am offering a Zoom call for you to experience presence. You can register here.

I will guide you in the present moment awareness practice that I teach my clients and use in my daily life. Yes, it’s helpful for grief AND for everything else. (There’s that word again!)

If you would like to experience presence for yourself and learn how you can begin to incorporate it into your daily life, I invite you to join me on Friday, April 16, 2021 at 1:00 PM Central Time.

Let me know if you have any questions.

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March 30, 2021