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  • Associative Memories and a New School Year

    This time of year is nostalgic for me. Ever since I had children in school, the end of summer and the start of school year have always been bittersweet. The start of a new school year brought to mind how much growth had occurred for my kids. The anticipation of a new school year, new clothes, new school supplies, and a crispness in the air marked the passage of time in a way that a new calendar year never did. After Leah died this time of year became especially poignant. For a long time the associative memories that accompany this time of year were too much to bear.

    This new year meant I was headed into another milestone day, another anniversary of Leah’s death, another reminder that she would be forever 17-1/2. I wanted to bury my head in the sand at the first cool breeze that came over the mountain and not emerge until after Christmas. Fall, Thanksgiving and Christmas were all conspiring to remind me of my pain. This season is rife with associative memories as it is, without the additional layer of missing my daughter. It felt like the anniversary of her death.

    Each year I experienced grief differently.

    Looking back on this time from where I am now, I can say that each year was providing me with the opportunity to be with my grief in a slightly different way.

    I resolutely resisted entering this time until about year ten. Even though I lived with my loss 24/7, the time from October through December was fraught with memories that seemed fresh. Time had a way of playing tricks; I often relived all of the memories of her accident, the time in the hospital, memories of holidays past and her personal favorite holiday traditions.

    We began changing our yearly routine.

    While we still missed her, we did not have the familiar touchstones that connected us directly to the most painful memories. So, when you find yourself in a particularly difficult spiral of your own grief journey, here are a few ways to help you through that time.

    When a difficult milestone is approaching, take some time and make space to feel your feelings.

    You can light a candle, make a cup of tea, sit quietly and invite your feelings into your heart. Are your feelings especially raw right now? Ask yourself what you need during this particular day or time. If your feelings are intense it may feel right to change your perspective; go or do somewhere that you did not share with your loved one. You will still miss them, but a new environment can ease the intense feelings. If, instead, doing the same thing you always did with them comforts you, then do that. There is no one right answer, plus it may change from year to year. Honor yourself where you are each year a milestone comes around.

    Ask for support.

    It is not always easy to ask for help in the best of circumstances. When we are grieving it can be harder. If you would like someone to accompany you to visit your loved one’s grave for example, you can do that. If you want their silent support, tell them that. A friend is always grateful to know how they can help. If they have not experienced a significant loss themselves, they may not be sure of the best way to help. Making your needs known helps you and them.

    Realize that your experience will change with time.

    Some years you will feel like your loss happened yesterday. Other years you will receive insights that provide you with a new level of understanding. This will not happen in any particular order. Grief is a changeable journey. Your willingness to be with it as it arises will help you relax and remind you that you are not regressing. Remember, all healing happens in a relaxation response.

    This is a time to be diligent with your self-care rituals. Read more about Radical Self-Care here. Include extra self-care to help with relaxation. To this day, when I feel stressed my grief is closer to the surface. Become familiar with your own grief triggers and learn what works for you to help ease them.

  • Grief as Journey

    I often talk about grief being a journey. One of my clients asked me the other day exactly what that means. So I explained that we can go through our lives traversing or sidestepping disappointments, setbacks, and perceived failures; wondering what we have to do to have our lives turn out the way we want or hope them to become. Often it is not until we have a larger loss, like the loss of a loved one, that we are thrown into a grief so deep that it completely dismantles our life as we knew it.

    Each person’s grief journey is unique.

    Knowing and accepting it can be a turning point in the journey. Early on in my own journey, knowing my daughter’s physical presence would be forever missing from my life, grief hung over me like a heavy burden. I vividly remember, a few years after she died, that it was the summer of the cicadas in Maryland. The sound was always there, sometimes louder, sometimes softer, but relentless in its continual roar. That is how my grief felt to me in those days, continual and relentless. It was always present in the background of everything I did.

    It was during this time that I was taking time each day to be with and feel my feelings as they were showing up for me. Knowing I was making space each day for my feelings to be as messy, painful, and raw as they were eventually allowed me to have more and more time during the course of my day to concentrate on the work of putting my life back together. Was it easy? Absolutely not. And I have shared more than once that losing my daughter was way too high a price to not be who I am. This was the guiding principle in the early days of my grief.

    We are faced with the choice of attempting to find meaning again or staying in our pain.

    Maybe we do not even recognize that we have a choice. Maybe we are aimlessly going through our life trying to find our way not know which direction to turn. Our grief journey does not begin the moment a loved one dies and does not complete at some arbitrary time in the future after we have gone through all of the stages of grief in an orderly fashion.

    Grief is not orderly; it does not follow one particular path. It is messy. It is not linear. It looms big one minute and the next we have a glimmer of an understanding.

    Our daily disappointments take on a new dimension in the face of a traumatic loss of a loved one. Our priorities can change and often do. Things that we used to do now do not make sense. Life-changing major losses, whether it is the loss of a loved one, a relationship, or health related have the potential to turn our lives upside down and inside out. How we put them back together again is all part of our journey.

    At some point I was able to move into a place of purpose, of knowing that my grief journey was leading me into my most authentic self. When did that happen? It took a long time, and for me it was gradual. Everyone is on his or her own time; there is no

    right answer to that question. What I can tell you is that each time I surrendered to my feelings, as they appeared in my heart, I received blessings and grace.
    It brings to mind Rumi’s poem,

    Zero Circle:

    Be helpless and dumbfounded, unable to say yes or no.

    Then a stretcher will come
    from grace to gather us up.
    We are too dull-eyed to see the beauty. If we say “Yes we can,” we’ll be lying.

    If we say “No, we don’t see it,”
    that “No” will behead us
    and shut tight our window into spirit.

    So let us not be sure of anything,
    beside ourselves, and only that, so miraculous beings come running to help.

    Crazed, lying in a zero-circle, mute,
    we will be saying finally,
    with tremendous eloquence, “Lead us.”

    When we’ve totally surrendered to that beauty, we’ll become a mighty kindness.

    version by Coleman Barks

    Saying yes to your grief journey can be one of the biggest gifts of your life. It will open you up to the messiness and joy of life.

    It will lead you to your authentic self.

  • Men and Grief

    Today’s subject is men’s grief process and how men relate to loss. This will be one of the offerings we are creating in the Being with Grief program.

    Men approach grief from their own unique perspective.

    We grieve in our own way, depending on how we were brought up, what we have experienced and how we were influenced.

    Grief is a normal and natural internal reaction to a loss of any kind. Grief is made up of the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. The distress and internal conflict can paralyze even the most logical of us.

    This is so different from the types of simple communication and exchange that men do in a normal day. When something needs to be done, an order is given and the response is the action that gets the job done. When grief is present, distress can cause a disconnect from everything thus making even easy tasks seem overwhelming.

    What I know is that men do not let their armor down and show the wound.

    The effort that goes into any battle prevents it. Once the wound is there, it is usually ignored and left without any attention being paid to it. Healing does not seem possible, so it is better to just “get over it” burying the pain so that life can go on. Men tend to stand in their courage and attempt to vanquish this distress. Since society holds men to shoulder the burden, many men spend time alone in their attempt to heal.

    Men also do not know how to treat a wounded brother. If I were to acknowledge my pain in a group of male friends there would not be a combined effort to encourage and sustain me. There would more likely be silence or worse; some kind of remark negating my feelings. The result is that most men hold pain inside. Showing sympathy can be seen as a sign of weakness so support is less likely to come from another guy.

    So how do we change this and make the men’s grief and loss experience more accepting?

    One way is creating a safe environment of non-judgement allowing the inner shell to break open and expose the hurt. Any deep work needs this type of container. Knowing that your words are secure and that your feelings will not be compromised is crucial for the healing process to take place.

    Another way is working with men’s groups that teach the importance of clearly naming feelings. This is much like being in the moment and allowing the feelings to be named and experienced as they appear. For example, naming a perceived slight or injustice that needs to be cleared thus improving and mending a relationship. This confronting of another in a circle of trust allows the wounded one to name the hurt before the offender and be acknowledged.

    Doing grief work, confronting pain, naming it and having that feeling acknowledged releases the stress and allows healing.

    To have your pain seen by another, to have it acknowledged, and witnessed is a meaningful step in reclaiming wholeness.

    There is no shame or stigma in seeking assistance in the recovery from the loss that occurs upon the death of a beloved. As a man I am not weaker because I sought the wisdom of someone with the knowledge I need to cope and recover. Understanding what grief is and what it does is part of the solution. So, obtaining tools to navigate the experience and use them is an opportunity to discover something about yourself.              Dan Loeffler

  • Our Daily Grief

    The deeper I get into grief work the more I realize that grief is a part of almost every facet of our lives. There is grief every time our lives do not turn out the way we planned, the way we wanted, or contrary to our dreams.

    This happens daily.

    Every day we can over sleep, be late for an appointment, miss a lunch date, or not be able to eat that chocolate cake because it no longer supports our health.

    Every day we are faced with little deaths that give us the opportunity to discover our own unique way of meeting grief. This is valuable information. If we know how we sort out the feelings that arise when we face these everyday setbacks, we can gain understanding of the way we grieve.

    Just like there is no one else in the world like you, there is no one else that processes grief exactly the way you do. As we learn how we process grief, we also learn the resources that help us the most when faced with disappointing, life-changing events.

    Knowing this about ourselves can greatly assist us when we are faced with bigger grief such as; the loss of a relationship, a divorce, or the loss of a loved one. Knowing will not prepare us for the myriad of feeling that come up because each loss is different and will bring with it a variety of feelings in varying intensities. You will however know the resources to turn to because you already know how you process grief.

    The everyday deaths pave the way for the bigger deaths.

    Many of us do not realize that we have this opportunity on a daily basis. Our day-to-day disappointments pile up. We may begin to feel a vague sense that something is not right. Left unresolved these relatively minor occurrences begin to snowball into more intense feelings that something is wrong. Since we cannot pinpoint the reason, we may react in several ways. We may suppress the feelings by over eating, binge drinking or telling ourselves we are “silly” for letting something so small bother us.

    So how can you get in touch with these daily disappointments when they happen? And, how can you begin to learn your own unique methods for handling grief? Here are three ways to begin:

    Become Aware

    Begin to notice how you feel when things do not go your way. For example, what if are you stuck in traffic that is going to make you late for a meeting? You are already stuck so take a moment to breathe and notice how you feel. Let yourself have the feeling, all of it, exactly as it shows up. Often when we feel annoyed at a traffic jam we feel helpless, or we blame the other cars on the road, or the circumstance. In that moment, none of that helps. Instead get in touch with your feelings, slow down, breathe, and feel.

    Notice the Story

    Is there a story that comes up for you when you are in a traffic jam? A story about being late, or how others might judge you for being late? One of my stories was, “ Only irresponsible people are late”. Consequently I would leave my house with more than double the amount of time it took to arrive at my destination. Imagine how I felt on the occasions that traffic was so bad I was still late? Your story may give you a clue to the origin of the feelings.

    Who Would you be Without the Story?

    (This is from Byron Katie’s work) – What if every time you found yourself in a similar situation, rather than go back into the same story and relive the discomfort and stress of being late, and feeling irresponsible (in my example), you allow yourself to experience that particular event on its own merit, without the story from your past. What if you just happened to be in a car that was going slowly because the car in front of you was going slowly? What if this particular slow traffic day was, in the grand scheme of things, protecting you from something? What if you arrived at your destination on time, only to discover a tree fell on the place you were going to park, and instead it fell on an empty parking space?

    When we allow ourselves to be aware of our feelings, to notice what else is going on, (including the story we tell ourselves about those feelings) and then meet the moment without our normal story, we are given the gift of looking at a situation we may have found ourselves in a hundred times, yet we receive a different outcome than expected. Just this small shift in perspective can make a huge difference in your entire day. Think of what is possible if you can use this technique on larger issues. Think of the valuable information you are gaining about yourself and the difference this could make in your life.

  • Grief and Eating Psychology

    This past weekend I was in Boulder, Colorado, attending a Psychology of Eating Conference. It was good to be back in the presence of the mountains. The majesty of the mountains never fails to nourish me. The conference was a powerful reminder of the importance of my work as an Eating Psychology Coach. I reconnected with some of my classmates and made some wonderful new relationships. I came away from the weekend with a deeper understanding of the correlation between eating psychology work and grief. Some of the same strategies that are used to meet eating challenges can also assist us on our grief journey.

    Symptoms of grief can be symptoms of eating challenges. Eating challenges can also be a diversion, a way to distract ourselves from being with our feelings of grief. For instance, when we are in early grief compulsive eating may be a way to cope with our loss. It is perfectly normal to give ourselves the comfort of food as we come to terms with our loss. It can become problematic if we continue using food to suppress our feelings because then we do not process our grief and do not move through it.

    How can we recognize if we are turning to food to distract us from processing our grief? How can you utilize Mind Body Strategies to meet your grief?

    Breathe

    Notice your first instinct when you feel grief rising in you. Do you immediately reach for that cookie or tub of ice cream? Take some time to breathe. Take a few deep abdominal breaths. When your feelings of grief come up, allow yourself to feel them.

    Relax

    As your feelings begin to arise, your first instinct may be to tense up, to contract. Consciously continue to breathe until you feel yourself relax. All healing, whether it is physical or emotional, can only take place in a relaxation response. As you relax you reduce stress. Stress is any real or perceived threat. When you are in a stress response, your grief can feel intense and overwhelming. As you begin to relax you can begin to process one feeling at a time, rather than an onslaught of the many different feelings that make up grief.

    Nourish

    What nourishes you? Make a list of everything that nourishes you. These can be self-care rituals such as receiving acupuncture, having a massage, enjoying a bath, walking in nature, or spending time with a friend. They can also be creative endeavors like making art, writing poetry, or gardening. It helps to make a list because when you find yourself feeling overwhelming grief, you can look at your list and choose an activity you already know will nourish you. Do whatever soothes you. Nourishing yourself in these ways will also help you relax.

    Make Time

    In the first days after Leah died I began making time and space each day to feel my feelings exactly as they arose in that moment. I was often in situations at work where I could not process my feelings so I created a safe container to put them in, then at the same time each day, I visited them. I took one and a half to two hours each day; you can spend the amount of time that feels right for you. I was scrupulously devoted to this practice every evening for over two years. In the early days, processing may not be possible and that is okay. You can write about what is happening to you if you would like. The important piece here is consistency. When you know you will have the time you need at the end of each day to be with your feelings, you will find it easier to get through the day when you feel like you might fall apart. My clients find this to be a very beneficial practice.

    Turning to food for comfort or as a distraction is a doorway to a deeper issue, whether we are grieving or not. By taking time to breath, relax, and nourish yourself you can receive clues about these issues. Your own journey is a gift to help you discover your magnificent self, even when it does not feel like it.

  • Transitions

    I have been thinking about transitions lately. My husband Dan is retiring from his 36 year career in construction. This brings many changes for both of us. Navigating the time around transitions can be a little like navigating grief. We all go through a variety of life- changing transitions. Some of them are major, like retiring from a career. Some of them are unexpected, like losing a job through downsizing. Some of them are smaller in magnitude, like the shifting of a schedule due to other commitments that arise in the course of your life. All of them bring with them opportunities for growth. These times in our lives offer a portal or doorway into a place that may be laden with many different feelings.

    Like the grief that arises when we lose a loved one, these feelings can be overwhelming if we do not have the resources to sort them out. These times can be uncomfortable and messy. When we allow ourselves to fully feel our feelings, no matter how painful they are, we can move through them. The extent that we are able to completely feel these feelings, exactly as they show up in each moment, is the extent to which we receive grace that allows the feelings to shift. This shift is just enough to receive a different perspective and an unraveling of the overwhelming feelings. We can then use this in-between time as the potent portal that it is. When we fully feel our feelings we make space for the new to arrive and thrive.

    It is important to take time to honor the territory you are leaving behind before you embark on whatever is coming next. This in-between time provides a rare opportunity to reflect on where you have been before you start the next part of your journey.

    Often when we move from one stage of life to another we are tempted to put the past behind us and move directly into the new. What I found is that the new will flow more effortlessly if we take time to reflect on what we are leaving, allowing time for feelings to arise.

    When I left my full time job almost two years ago, I discovered some ways to help with the transition.

    Take some time to ask yourself these questions.

    How can you honor what you are leaving behind?
    Write down a list of things you are grateful for about what or where you are leaving. Take some time with this. Acknowledge for yourself the impact the people and places had on your life.
    How do you start your day? It took me a while to establish a new rhythm to my day. Create a morning ritual that is meaningful to you. How do you want to feel throughout the your day? Your morning ritual can set the tone for the day. I began sitting is silence each morning. I notice when I do not my day does not flow the same way as when I am faithful to this practice.

    How much time do you need before you move into your next phase? I took three days for myself before I started on the next thing. I wish I had taken more time. You can design your schedule to match a rhythm that resonates for you. Take the time to discern this rhythm for yourself.

    Practice Radical Self Care – You can read more about that here.
    Be gentle with yourself. Like grief, the feelings that arise during a life-changing event will not be linear. Give yourself the time you need to discover where life is calling you. Remember–only you can be you.

    In Service to Love.

    Nancy

    “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

  • Learning My Own Lessons

    This past week, when I returned from Omaha, I was given an opportunity to practice what I teach. I arrived home Monday evening and settled in at home. Tuesday morning I woke up bright and early, did my morning sitting in silence practice, and headed off to yoga. I got in my car, turned the key and nothing. The car did not start. My initial thought was to panic and my helpless one sat there and said internally, “Ok, great! Now what?” I paused, took a deep breath (or two or three) and then called Dan. He reminded me that we had roadside assistance through our motor club. I called for assistance. Someone came out and used jumper cables on the battery to start the car. I drove around the block to charge up the battery.

    Here’s where the story gets amusing. I was afraid to stop the car in case it did not start again. As I drove I noticed my speedometer was registering a really fast speed leading me to believed the speedometer was broken. Luckily, as I drove around the block, I received a text canceling my morning appointment. I took that as a sign to drive directly to the car dealership and have the battery checked so that I could go to sleep that night without worrying that my car would not start the next morning. My initial trepidation was gone. I went from whatever triggered that helpless one to a fully empowered person taking care of the a difficult situation. I stayed in the moment. I did not feel stressed out or like something was happening to me. It was a great feeling. The battery was replaced and car is running like new again. But wait, what about that speedometer issue? When the battery was jump started the car’s computer defaulted to kph, so it was just my perception that the car was going faster. This is a great example of how perception is NOT reality; but that is another topic for a future newsletter.

    As I reflected on these events, I realized that there was a point where this could have gone several ways. In the past there were times that an event like this would have ruined not only my day, but several days. What was the difference this time? I allowed myself to fully feel my helplessness; to ask who was the one feeling helpless and what did she need? Taking the time to be with your feelings, all of them, in the heat of the moment, is the difference that makes the difference. I did not formally sit in Samyama. I did however meet that helpless child in my heart. I gave her what she needed, love and attention; and then told her I would take over. That helpless child could relax and trust because I was available to take care of and resolve the difficult issue.

    What do you do when you are triggered, either by a person or event? Do you pay attention to the one that is triggered? This is usually a part of yourself that is not integrated. It could show up as a younger self, an inner child that remembers a similar past event that now acts as a trigger.

    Pay attention to this part of yourself whenever they show up and in whatever way they show up. This awareness can help when you are in a difficult situation. It can assist you
    in transitioning from that younger self to the part of yourself that can resolve the current situation.

    Some questions to ask when you are triggered:

    • Does this feeling remind me of how I felt as a child?
    • If so, what is the age of that child?
    • Do I feel shame, anger, fear, or any other emotion that does not make sense given the current situation?
    • What lesson does this person or situation have for me? (Often we are put in these situations to provide an opportunity to integrate or heal something from our childhood that has not been healed.)

    You can write about any insights that arise from these questions. Each time you feel triggered ask one or more of these questions again.

    In my next newsletter I will spend more time writing about inner child work and how you can learn to give your younger selves what they did not receive as a child. Be gentle with yourself as you begin to sit with these questions. Let me know what happens for you as you delve into these questions.

    In Service to Love,

    Nancy

  • Your Inner Child Holds the Key

    I always think that when I promise to expand on a topic in my next newsletter that it will practically write itself; that I will not have to work hard on writing it. I’ll let you in on a secret, when it is time for me to write my newsletter it does practically write itself! The words flow effortlessly from my fingertips. When writing feels difficult I know it is not yet time to write or I am trying too hard rather than sitting and asking within what wants to come forth this time. The times writing feels difficult, when I am trying too hard to write about something that I think I should write about, one of the ways I break through is to ask myself.

    who is struggling and how old are they?

    This is a way to get in touch with younger versions of yourself that may be triggered by an event, a person, or a situation like writing a newsletter.
    I’ve recently been in touch with my inner 12 year old. She is very quiet like I was when I was 12. I am giving her lots of love and attention. I am letting her know she is welcome and I am available to listen anytime she wants to talk to me. Giving attention to our younger selves allows us to provide ourselves with what we needed but did not get at that age. It is a way for us to parent ourselves right now. Welcoming, listening, and loving helps integrate that younger part of our self and brings healing to our hearts.

    Grief often brings up many associative memories.

    Our younger selves may be wrapped up in those memories and they can trigger a response in us now that is unexpected. How can you unravel those triggered emotion by getting in touch with your younger selves? When you feel yourself being triggered by a person, an experience, or an event ask yourself: who is being triggered and how old do they feel? Take time to breathe into the feeling. Allow your younger selves to be there however they show up. They may be reticent and not want to engage right away. If you are new to inner child work, just trust that whatever age show up is the right one needed at the time. Let them know they are loved and welcome. Let them know they can talk to you when they are ready.

    There are a few ways you can engage with them:

    You can write to them, letting them write answers in you non-dominant hand (my personal favorite is using crayons).
    You can ask them questions and feel their answers.
    You can invite them to draw or scribble.
    You can ask your younger self how they want to communicate with you.

    They can give you clues to parts of yourself that need healing.

    The key is to give them lots of love and space. Give them what you needed but did not receive when you were that age. Inner child work is another resource to unravel the myriad of feeling that make up grief. There may be times when you cry that remind you of your childhood, such as when you were sad because a beloved pet died. In the present time these feelings seem tied to a loss you are currently experiencing which does not make sense to you. Our younger selves are there to assist with all our feelings as we journey through life. Providing them with what they need and want can put us in touch with our deepest longings. Next time you feel sad, confused, angry, or upset ask yourself if it is a younger self trying to communicate. Let your younger selves come out to play. You may be surprised and delighted by what they bring into your life.
    Let me know what you discover

  • The Importance of Relaxation

    This past weekend Dan and I went on a train trip. He has always reminisced about a train trip he took with his grandparents when he was a boy, and has wanted to share a train trip with me. The perfect opportunity for such a trip arose with Dan working near Omaha; we found ourselves living directly across from the Omaha Amtrak station. Once on board I discovered a new level of slowing down and I let myself revel in it. As I sat in the train and looked out the window I was lulled into a state of relaxation that I have not recently experienced. The sway of the train seemed to shake out the last vestiges of stress from deep within my bones. I settled in and watched the country go by. I was able to really see and appreciate the natural beauty in a whole new way. Dan and I talked, napped, and talked a little more. I had a huge smile on my face which emanated from deep within my soul. I was reminded of the importance of slowing down, of relaxing, and of healing. Such healing only takes place when we are in a relaxation response. I realized again it is possible to meet the busyness of our daily lives with an awareness of slowing down.

    Here is what has come up for me this morning as I sit with the train experience.

    Remember a time you were truly relaxed.

    Close your eyes and think of a time or a place you felt completely and totally relaxed. What did you feel? Are there any smells (like the salty ocean) or sensations (like the rhythmic rocking of a train or the breeze on your face) associated with this place? Allow yourself to go there now. Take time to experience the sensations, feelings, or smells associated with this deeply relaxing time or place. I sit here writing and can actually feel my train experience.

    Take some slow deep abdominal breathes as you are transported back to this state of total relaxation. Allow the sense of relaxation to enter every cell of your body. (If you know Samyama, you can root this experience in your heart.) Stay in this place for a few minutes. Doing this is a great way to start your day. Practicing this movement from stress to relaxation will provide a template that can be recalled whenever needed. You can do a short version of this practice anytime you are going into a highly stressful situation and/or after you leave that same situation. Being in this relaxed state of being will remind you of the importance of slowing down, of the affects relaxation has on your body, and of being more present in any situation.
    Knowing how to truly relax is beneficial to everything in your life.

    When you’re grieving, whether it is the smaller grief of a daily disappointment or the bigger grief of mourning a loved one, being in a relaxation response can help untangle the intensity of your emotions. You feel more ease when you are relaxed, therefore it is easier to feel all of your feelings.

    Try this out for a couple of weeks and let me know about your experience.

    In Service to Love,

    Nancy

  • How to Listen to Your Own Heart

    I am more aware lately of how inundated we are with messages. They are everywhere: on billboards, television, Facebook, and in magazines to name a few places. Everywhere we look we see advice for every issue or problem we may have. These messages have good intentions. Someone found a way to make a problem better, a way that works for them, a way to make life easier or to attain a goal. Yet, if there are so many solutions, why are so many people still looking? Why are they still seeking the one thing that will make the difference to them in their situation? This is an excellent question.

    In my work as an Eating Psychology Coach I help people to learn to listen to their own bodies, to find a way to eat and move that are sustainable to their unique body.

    Every diet or eating plan out there has good information, however when it is applied to everyone equally some people will find it does not work for them. Learning how to truly nourish your body in alignment with your distinctive needs is a process that begins with slowing down, tuning in and really listening. I help my Eating Psychology clients to hear what their bodies are saying to them, experiment with high quality food and utilize practices to find the right fit for them.
    This has a correlation with grief work.

    There are as many different ways to meet grief as there are people on this planet.

    So often we hear that we should; ” just get over it”, or “get past it”, or “find closure”. When I hear these words I believe the person giving that advice wants to feel better and/or not be reminded of what you are going through. You can find a way to walk your journey with grief that meets your own unique way of being in this world. Your path does not have to resemble anyones. It can be distinctly your journey. Below are some ways of meeting grief.
    Choose a time when you will not be disturbed for 30 minutes to an hour. You can take as long as you would like, and when you are first starting this practice, a shorter amount of time may feel more doable.
    Begin by closing your eyes and becoming aware of your breathing. If you know Samyama, that is a good way to start. (Learn more about Samyama here.) If not, just start by breathing and bringing awareness to your heart.
    Think of a difficult situation from your past, a situation that you successfully moved through. Write down everything about that time that helped you get through it. Keep writing; don’t stop at 2 or 3 things. Even if you are not sure if something helped or not, jot it down. You can repeat this part of the exercise several times using different experiences. This may help you see a pattern.
    Now take some time to look over your list(s). Are there things on your list that you find yourself doing often? Things that nourish you or bring you pleasure? Things that comfort you? What did you turn to in every situation that helped you move through these difficult times?
    Consider doing one of these activities or practices in response to your feelings of grief. What would this look like for you? Perhaps you can do a ten-minute writing about a feeling, or take a walk and ask for messages from your loved one. Or you could light a candle, think about your loved one and allow yourself to cry. The important part is to honor your own feelings and your own heart. You know what is best for yourself.

    Take some time to do this practice regularly, and each time you will discover more and more about your own process, your own way of doing things, the way that makes sense to you…….I’ll give you a hint, your way is consistent with all aspects of your life. When you truly discover it, it will be effortless, and won’t feel like a chore.

    The process may not always be comfortable, nonetheless, it will work for you and your life with unfold in miraculous ways.