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Category: Samyama

  • I Need Your Input

    As I sat down to write this blog I found that my thoughts were all over the place. They were all good thoughts, but I would write a sentence about one topic and then switch to an unrelated topic. I decided to let it go for a while and come back later. When I resumed writing, what came to me was to ask you what you would like to hear about. Are there any topics about grief that I have not covered? Anything I have written about in the past that you would like me to discuss more? I made a list of some familiar topics below.

    I invite you to take some time to contemplate them and let me know what you would like to hear from me.

    How I navigated my own grief journey; especially in the early days.

    Navigating grief from a loss other than the death of a loved one. We experience grief when we lose a job, a relationship, a pet, our health, or any other time our life turns out differently then we planned.

    Grief as a cycle of life. How everyday losses, like those listed above, can provide you insights into the way you process grief, which can then help when you experience a bigger loss.

    How to navigate milestone days of a loss event such as anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays. Also how to navigate the anticipation of these days.

    How to find our own way of meeting grief and living through it. Finding a way that makes sense to us.

    How other people’s views of grief may affect our own process. For example, people may have certain expectations including the acceptable length of grief, what closure means and if closure is even possible.

    Grief as initiation; what I mean by that including how your own initiation can lead you to rediscover your true self and the ability to live a joyful life again.

    Samyama meditation as a resource not only for meeting your grief but also for meeting your daily life.

    How to help support someone else who has lost a loved one.

    How eating and grief issues intersect. What Eating Psychology has to do with grief.

    Any other topic, anything at all that you would like to know.
    I welcome any other questions you have about the grief process, my personal process, or anything else that arises as you read this. I always welcome your input. I have tremendous gratitude for you and for the time you take to read my newsletter and blog.
    You can respond by email. or leave a comment below to voice your opinions.

  • A Mother’s Love

    A week ago my Aunt Tillie died. She was 93. As I sat reflecting on Aunt Tillie, and the times I spent with her, I found my reflections also included all the other women in my life who have made their transition from this life. They include my mother and daughter along with grandmothers and aunts. I found myself feeling profound gratitude and love for all of them. They all contributed to my life and helped to shape me into the woman I am today.

    One of the things I was called to do was to write my mother’s story, from her point of view. This is something I have done before, and have gained tremendous insight into the woman who gave me life. As I wrote my mother’s story I came to a better understanding of our lives together. I saw how the way she lived her life gave me permission to live my life the way I do, the way I am living it now. I had the profound sense that she could not leave this life (she died in 1993) until she knew I was strong enough to be the woman I was meant to be in this life, including the experience of losing Leah when I did. That event was still far off in the future when she died, and yet, from where I am today, I could not have navigated it as I did without the gift of my mother’s love.

    It was something I was not able to see at the time. Some 20 years later all of the pieces fall into place. I see how all of my ancestors, my mother, grandmothers, aunts and Leah have supported me in my own journey. It took me to a full understanding of my mother’s love for me, something that was not possible when she was alive. I bow to the women in my lineage, who made me who I am today. I am feeling very vulnerable after this experience but it has put me deeper in touch with the part of me that walks with others on their grief journeys. I understand more fully that it is my work to do even though sometimes I wonder “why me?” Why can’t I be doing fun stuff like others are doing? I see how that is a story that can keep me from doing this work. As I return to my heart, my journey, and my passion for changing the conversation around grief, I find myself once again at the edge of the unknown. I step fully into it, with love and gratitude for all those who have brought me to this place.

    If you would like to investigate your own mother’s life in this way, here are some guidelines.

    Write your mother’s life story from her perspective.

    Forget what you think you know about her.
    See it through her eyes and heart, feel it through her body.

    You can write in this way about any member of your family, whether they are living or not as a way to gain understanding and insight about them, you, and your relationship together. If something arises that is uncomfortable, you can sit with the feelings in your heart. For a refresher on how to do that, click here.
    This is from the work of Sheila Foster
    You can peruse her website for more insightful information.

  • Reflections on the Unknown

    I am writing this blog a couple of days early. I want to engage you during this in-between time. The days between the holidays are a time of reflection for me. A time when everyday life slows down a little bit. This has been especially true for me since our daughter’s passing. As we adjusted our holiday traditions, the events that were not meaningful dropped away. I have come to look forward to this slowing down as an invitation to pause, to reflect on the past year and to set my intentions for the coming year.

    I don’t make new years resolutions. In the past when I have made them I was always striving for perfection.

    Striving for perfection has always been a set up for failure for me.

    When I failed, I would beat myself up because I could not meet an unrealistic goal. Those goals were often about looking a certain way or acting a certain way to be loved. These goals are paraded across our consciousness by the media again and again. It was not until I had the gift of time for reflection that I was able to unplug from all of those messages and I let go of striving for perceived perfection.

    Reflection, pausing, taking time to listen to your heart’s longing, all of these things bring up uncomfortable feelings. We do not like to feel uncomfortable. We think perfection will bring an end to our discomfort. When we are grieving, whether for a loved one or for the way things used to be, we are thrust into the unknown. The unknown is uncomfortable because we like to think we are in control of what is happening in our lives, but are we? Do we really know anything about what will happen or when it will happen?

    Learning to navigate the unknown is a part of learning to live with loss.

    This is something only your heart can understand. Your mind will try to convince you that you can get control of your life. Take some time as this year ends to reflect on the past year and to start to get comfortable with the unknown. Here are a few ways to begin.
    Choose a time when you will not be disturbed.

    Begin by closing your eyes and getting quiet. Bring your attention to your heart center. It may help to place a hand on your heart. Become aware of your breathing. Just sit for a moment and breathe into your heart center. Allow yourself to be here in this moment, with nothing else to do.

    If you are new to this practice, take some time to sit in your heart in this way a few times a day, for a minute or two. This alone may be uncomfortable if you are not used to it. Continue in this way until you become more comfortable sitting in this way.

    When you are ready, after you bring your attention to your heart, become aware of any feelings in your heart. Allow yourself to feel the feeling exactly as it is, as it appears in this moment. Stay in this place as long as you can, continuing to be aware of your breathing. When your head chimes in to judge what you are doing, notice what it is saying, and for this moment, bring your attention back to your heart. There is no need to do anything with what your head is telling you.

    This is the practice of Samyama.

    The more you sit in your heart in this way, the more your practice will deepen. The present moment was unknown to most of us because we were not used to paying attention to it. We busied ourselves each moment of each day to distract ourselves from our discomfort. By learning to bring attention to our hearts and sit in the silence we find there, we allow space for our feelings to arise. We allow space for the unknown to be here with us. You can cultivate the practice of Samyama so that when you feel discomfort, or unsure of the unknown you can bring attention to your heart and allow the feelings that arise to be there, and when that happens they shift, and you will receive the gift of the present moment.

    My wish for you as we end 2014 and begin 2015 is that you have time and space for reflection. That your reflections will bring inspiration that will accompany you on your journey into whatever is next for you.

    I’d love to hear from you, leave a comment below, or send me an email

  • Another Turn of the Spiral of Grief

    I didn’t think it was possible to go any deeper into the initiation of my daughter Leah’s death, I really didn’t. I’ve been at it for almost 14 years now. It led me out of the depths of devastation. It led me to step fully into this work. And yet I find myself going deeper. As I spend my time writing my book and preparing my speech I am revisiting memories that I haven’t thought about for a long time. Each time I do there is a little more insight into my life, Leah’s life and my path here on planet earth. What I realize is that the grief process is a spiral. As I revisit memories of her life and death today, I am ready to go deeper than I did before. The spiral is taking a new turn and from this vantage point things look different. As I look at memories from here and gain new insights, I am reminded that this is now my work. The extent that I am able to engage my own ongoing grief journey is directly related to the way I can show up to help others. This is a humbling realization. The heartening thing for me is that my journey does have a purpose. I really have come into the true expression of myself, a longing that I always had. It just looks different than I ever imagined it would look, and the path it took and is taking is certainly not what I would have chosen, at least consciously.

    Do you have a longing to step into a life that you have always known is possible?

    The good news is that you already have what you are looking for, and the ways to excavate it are already present in your life. If you are ready to discover what your heart already knows, here are some steps you can take to bring you closer to your longing.

    Take a look around.

    Are you finding yourself in some of the same situations again and again and wondering why?

    What is the common denominator with all of them?
    What lessons do these situations have for you?

    Every experience you have is bringing you a lesson that is valid for you and you alone.

    You will continue to have similar experiences until you learn the lesson they are presenting. Take some time to sit quietly and contemplate these questions. If you have been following my newsletter or blog for a while and have been cultivating your Samyama practice you can bring these lessons to your heart and ask what message they may have for you.

    Be willing to not know what the answer will be.

    The answers may not arise immediately; however if you are faithful to this practice you will begin to notice a shift in your perceptions. You will begin to see a different way of being or of doing things.

    Pay attention, whatever shows up for you is valid, no matter how small it seems.

    Don’t discount it as not important, or applicable to others and not you. Become familiar with how your intuition communicates with you. Once you begin to trust this process in you, it will become second nature.

    I am telling you this as someone who not only didn’t trust my intuition, and who for a very long time denied its very existence. It took me a long time to realize that the way I experience things are valid for me only.
    When you begin to embrace the qualities that make you who you are, you will begin to feel more comfortable in your skin. Use this feeling to confirm that you are on the right track.

    I’d love to hear what you think. Send me an email, or leave a comment below.

  • Silence Speaks Louder than Words

    In my last blog I wrote about dancing with my inner rebel. In the days that followed I found myself wondering if there were any other parts of myself that needed my attention. The part that spoke the loudest, paradoxically, was the part of me that craves silence, the part of me that needs to go in and be really quiet so that the other parts of me can thrive. I have known about this part of me for a while, and it has only been in the last year, since I have had less structured time that I have had the luxury to fully explore it. I’ll admit I am not as faithful to nurturing this part of myself, as it wants me to be. It shows up in my restlessness, my inability to stay focused for long; even to stay focused enough to be in silence, kind of a contradiction right?

    When I surrender to the silence I am filled in a way that nothing else can fill me.

    It’s hard to explain. It is in the silence that I come into direct contact with my heart, with my deep inner knowing, with how that intuition feels in my body. I come to know my true essence, and it informs me at my deepest level. When I come back here, to my heart I always wonder why I leave, why I think that I can get by with shorter or fewer sessions of silence. Why I forget what sustains me. What I do know is that when I am scrupulous with my practice, everything else flows effortlessly. One of my clues that I have been neglecting my practice is that I have to try to get things done, rather than allowing them to flow through me. When I start looking at how I am going to structure my day so I will be more productive. All I really need to do is sit in silence and drop those questions into my heart.

    Have you wanted to start your own practice of sitting in silence?

    When I was first called to sit in silence I resisted it for a long time. I was being called to get out of bed 15 minutes early to just sit in my heart. This was at a time when I was already getting up really early for my job.

    The stress of resisting rising earlier became greater than the stress of actually doing it.

    When I finally surrendered to the resistance and got up earlier to sit in silence my days became easier, I had a reserve of what I needed when I needed it. If you are resisting starting this practice, or any other practice that is calling you, here are some tips that might help you.

    Do an experiment. Tell yourself you will do it for two weeks and if you decide it is not working for you, you do not have to continue. Take note of the changes you notice. If there are no changes ask yourself if there is another version of the experiment that you would like to try.

    You don’t have to get up earlier to sit in silence. Take some time in the middle of the day or right after you come home from work to sit in silence for 5 minutes, set a timer, sit in a chair, close your eyes and breathe. Five minutes will seem like a long time when you first begin and the timer will help you to not have to look at the clock. Notice the impulse to get up and do something else. Take another deep breath and know that what ever your mind is telling you needs to be done now will still be there 5 minutes from now. You can increase the length of time as you get comfortable sitting for 5 minutes.

    If you decide this is a practice you want to include in your daily life you may be surprised as you begin to notice shifts in your day. Take notice of them, be curious. If you miss a day, or several notice the difference that makes in your daily life. Your practice may fluctuate from time to time. As I discovered this gives you information about the effect of that practice on your life. When you go back to it ask yourself if it needs to change and how that would look. Embrace it as your practice and make it work for you.

    I’d love to hear what you think. Send me an email, or leave a comment below.