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Category: Holidays

  • Associative Memories and a New School Year

    This time of year is nostalgic for me. Ever since I had children in school, the end of summer and the start of school year have always been bittersweet. The start of a new school year brought to mind how much growth had occurred for my kids. The anticipation of a new school year, new clothes, new school supplies, and a crispness in the air marked the passage of time in a way that a new calendar year never did. After Leah died this time of year became especially poignant. For a long time the associative memories that accompany this time of year were too much to bear.

    This new year meant I was headed into another milestone day, another anniversary of Leah’s death, another reminder that she would be forever 17-1/2. I wanted to bury my head in the sand at the first cool breeze that came over the mountain and not emerge until after Christmas. Fall, Thanksgiving and Christmas were all conspiring to remind me of my pain. This season is rife with associative memories as it is, without the additional layer of missing my daughter. It felt like the anniversary of her death.

    Each year I experienced grief differently.

    Looking back on this time from where I am now, I can say that each year was providing me with the opportunity to be with my grief in a slightly different way.

    I resolutely resisted entering this time until about year ten. Even though I lived with my loss 24/7, the time from October through December was fraught with memories that seemed fresh. Time had a way of playing tricks; I often relived all of the memories of her accident, the time in the hospital, memories of holidays past and her personal favorite holiday traditions.

    We began changing our yearly routine.

    While we still missed her, we did not have the familiar touchstones that connected us directly to the most painful memories. So, when you find yourself in a particularly difficult spiral of your own grief journey, here are a few ways to help you through that time.

    When a difficult milestone is approaching, take some time and make space to feel your feelings.

    You can light a candle, make a cup of tea, sit quietly and invite your feelings into your heart. Are your feelings especially raw right now? Ask yourself what you need during this particular day or time. If your feelings are intense it may feel right to change your perspective; go or do somewhere that you did not share with your loved one. You will still miss them, but a new environment can ease the intense feelings. If, instead, doing the same thing you always did with them comforts you, then do that. There is no one right answer, plus it may change from year to year. Honor yourself where you are each year a milestone comes around.

    Ask for support.

    It is not always easy to ask for help in the best of circumstances. When we are grieving it can be harder. If you would like someone to accompany you to visit your loved one’s grave for example, you can do that. If you want their silent support, tell them that. A friend is always grateful to know how they can help. If they have not experienced a significant loss themselves, they may not be sure of the best way to help. Making your needs known helps you and them.

    Realize that your experience will change with time.

    Some years you will feel like your loss happened yesterday. Other years you will receive insights that provide you with a new level of understanding. This will not happen in any particular order. Grief is a changeable journey. Your willingness to be with it as it arises will help you relax and remind you that you are not regressing. Remember, all healing happens in a relaxation response.

    This is a time to be diligent with your self-care rituals. Read more about Radical Self-Care here. Include extra self-care to help with relaxation. To this day, when I feel stressed my grief is closer to the surface. Become familiar with your own grief triggers and learn what works for you to help ease them.

  • Reflections on the Unknown

    I am writing this blog a couple of days early. I want to engage you during this in-between time. The days between the holidays are a time of reflection for me. A time when everyday life slows down a little bit. This has been especially true for me since our daughter’s passing. As we adjusted our holiday traditions, the events that were not meaningful dropped away. I have come to look forward to this slowing down as an invitation to pause, to reflect on the past year and to set my intentions for the coming year.

    I don’t make new years resolutions. In the past when I have made them I was always striving for perfection.

    Striving for perfection has always been a set up for failure for me.

    When I failed, I would beat myself up because I could not meet an unrealistic goal. Those goals were often about looking a certain way or acting a certain way to be loved. These goals are paraded across our consciousness by the media again and again. It was not until I had the gift of time for reflection that I was able to unplug from all of those messages and I let go of striving for perceived perfection.

    Reflection, pausing, taking time to listen to your heart’s longing, all of these things bring up uncomfortable feelings. We do not like to feel uncomfortable. We think perfection will bring an end to our discomfort. When we are grieving, whether for a loved one or for the way things used to be, we are thrust into the unknown. The unknown is uncomfortable because we like to think we are in control of what is happening in our lives, but are we? Do we really know anything about what will happen or when it will happen?

    Learning to navigate the unknown is a part of learning to live with loss.

    This is something only your heart can understand. Your mind will try to convince you that you can get control of your life. Take some time as this year ends to reflect on the past year and to start to get comfortable with the unknown. Here are a few ways to begin.
    Choose a time when you will not be disturbed.

    Begin by closing your eyes and getting quiet. Bring your attention to your heart center. It may help to place a hand on your heart. Become aware of your breathing. Just sit for a moment and breathe into your heart center. Allow yourself to be here in this moment, with nothing else to do.

    If you are new to this practice, take some time to sit in your heart in this way a few times a day, for a minute or two. This alone may be uncomfortable if you are not used to it. Continue in this way until you become more comfortable sitting in this way.

    When you are ready, after you bring your attention to your heart, become aware of any feelings in your heart. Allow yourself to feel the feeling exactly as it is, as it appears in this moment. Stay in this place as long as you can, continuing to be aware of your breathing. When your head chimes in to judge what you are doing, notice what it is saying, and for this moment, bring your attention back to your heart. There is no need to do anything with what your head is telling you.

    This is the practice of Samyama.

    The more you sit in your heart in this way, the more your practice will deepen. The present moment was unknown to most of us because we were not used to paying attention to it. We busied ourselves each moment of each day to distract ourselves from our discomfort. By learning to bring attention to our hearts and sit in the silence we find there, we allow space for our feelings to arise. We allow space for the unknown to be here with us. You can cultivate the practice of Samyama so that when you feel discomfort, or unsure of the unknown you can bring attention to your heart and allow the feelings that arise to be there, and when that happens they shift, and you will receive the gift of the present moment.

    My wish for you as we end 2014 and begin 2015 is that you have time and space for reflection. That your reflections will bring inspiration that will accompany you on your journey into whatever is next for you.

    I’d love to hear from you, leave a comment below, or send me an email

  • Navigating Grief During the Holidays

    We are in the midst of the holiday season. Thanksgiving is just over. Dan and Pete’s birthdays were this week, and Christmas decorations are going up all over town. If you have tuned in to my Navigating Grief During the Holidays phone calls, you have heard me talk about ways to enter this season with a little more ease after the loss of a loved one.

    My own experience this year has been a little bittersweet. As I step more and more into this work, I am right in the middle of two realities. I am feeling fully aligned with my purpose as I bring this work to the world and help learn how to be with the feelings that grief brings up. And my daughter is still not here. I have found myself on the verge of tears several times this past week, as I usually am this time of year. I tell you this not garner sympathy for myself, rather to let you know that no matter how much time has passed, it still hurts, I still miss her, and I still cry. That’s what I mean when I tell you that everyone’s experience of grief is personal and unique. While you don’t get over your loss, you will gain resources to help you to process your feelings when they do come up. Knowing that you have resources eventually allows you to relax. Relaxation allows you to not be so overwhelmed when the feelings come upon you. Finding ways to modify your holiday traditions can give you the space you need when the feelings do come up as well as help you relax knowing that you won’t be reliving the memories in quite the same way.

    I would like to elaborate further on some of the modifications we made to our holiday tradition to help us navigate our holiday seasons.

     

    Change the location of your celebration

    We began traveling during the holidays. We planned vacations during this time of the year to warm tropical locations. This not only took us out of our normal environment, it also provided another layer of relaxation and stress relief.

    Change the way you decorate

    It became too difficult for us to put up a Christmas tree and decorate it with all of Leah’s special ornaments. We decided not to put up a tree the after the 2nd year, and we still have not put up a tree. A couple of years we got a Norfolk pine and decorated it with homemade ornaments. Sometimes we get a poinsettia, an amaryllis or paper whites.

    Christmas Music

    We stopped listening to Christmas music for a while. There were certain songs that were special to our family. Songs we listened to while we decorated our tree, or baked cookies. It was just too hard to hear them the first few years. We gradually started including music again. Now, in limited amount the memories soothe us. Although there is nothing that catches me off guard like hearing a song, tears spring up without warning at times.

    Shopping

    My husband Dan shared in our last Navigating Grief During the Holidays call that going to the shopping mall to shop was too difficult for him the first few years. It was not just the festive atmosphere, but also the memories of shopping trips with Leah. He began shopping online.

    There are many more holiday traditions that can bring up painful memories. Take some time with your own traditions and decide what will make you feel less stressed and overwhelmed this year.

    It’s okay to take care of yourself during this time. Here are some questions to assist you with your inquiry;

    • Where would you like to spend time this holiday season? Will familiar surroundings comfort you?
    • What kind of decorations feels right for you and your family this year? The answer may be different next year.
    • Is there holiday music that is too difficult to hear this year? Are there times that music can soothe you?
    • Are there other traditions that feel too painful right now?

    Give yourself permission to sit with these questions in the days leading up to the holiday season. Trust the answers you receive. Remember to be gentle with yourself at this time. My next newsletter will be dedicated to Radical Self-Care to give you some additional resources to nourish yourself.

    In service to love,

    Nancy

  • Associative Memories and Grief

    I am writing you to this week from snowy Omaha. I am finding that living in a place that has a true winter is bringing up memories from my childhood in Chicago. There is a feeling when you go outside in 10-degree weather that you just don’t get in North Carolina. The air smells different, the sky looks different, the cold goes through your clothes in a matter of minutes no matter how heavy your coat is, and not matter how little skin is exposed. It was not an all-together bad memory. I used to love going to the ice skating rink at the park each day after school. The thrill of skating took my mind off of the cold, or maybe as a child I was not as sensitive to the cold.

    Wearing a heavy winter coat, I felt insulated and was less aware of where I was in space, less aware of others around me. All of these things remind me that associative memory is a strong phenomenon. Associative memory plays a big part in the way grief appears during the holiday season. Associative memory is when our memories are attached to something from a certain time in our past. It can be a food, a smell, a song, or an event, anything that reminds us of the past.

    The smell of risotto cooking reminds me of my grandmother. The smell of Christmas trees reminds me of going out in the cold snowy weather and looking for a tree when I was a child. Seeing a snow village at Christmas time reminds me of Leah. She loved the ceramic town we had and she always arranged it. It is one of our Christmas traditions that we have not been able to resume since she has been gone.

    Learning how to navigate grief during the holiday season is the topic of my 4-part tele-series that begins this Saturday, November 22, 2014. You can still register for the series, and can find more information in the side bar of this newsletter. I want to share with you some of what you will learn in that series.

    The holiday season can be stressful on it own without the added layers of grief. Grief is a difficult emotion to describe because it is made up of so many other feelings such as sadness, anger, devastation, and so many more.

    These feelings often show up in different intensities at different times. What helps you cope one time may make you dissolve into tears the next. Having some skills, or some alternative traditions to draw on when you find yourself hit by intense feelings can help you to cope with the holidays. Here are a few that worked for me.

    Take a look at your family traditions.

    Are there any that feel too painful? Give yourself permission to do things differently or not at all this year. You may feel differently next year.

    A change of scenery may help.

    Traveling to a new destination can take you out of the familiar that may be too painful for you. You will still miss your loved one, and remember past holidays, however you will not be faced every day with constant associative memories that you are not ready to face, especially if your loss has been recent. Even if your loss has not been so recent, take care of your own needs. We still don’t put up a Christmas tree, and it has been 14 years.

    Self-care is especially important during times of stress.

    When I am feeling stress my grief becomes overwhelming. Give yourself some extra self-care this holiday season. I have suggested that you keep a list of things that nourish you, or give you pleasure. Take your list out now and look at it, is there anything you want to add? It is good to have this list handy when you do feel stressed or overwhelmed. You can choose something from your list without having to think of what you want to do when you are already feeling stress. Naps can be great stress relievers, as can mindlessly doodling.

     

    Remember that grief changes with the seasons. What worked this year may not work next year. There is no right or wrong way to meet your grief, no timetable on when you will begin to heal. Give yourself the time you need, honor your own process. Each member of your family will process grief in their own way too. You can let them know their way is ok, sometimes that is all that is needed, to know that however we are processing grief and wherever we are our grief journey is exactly right for us. That can be enough to allow us to relax a little and let the healing begin.

    In service to love,

    Nancy

  • Are You Dreading The Holidays?

    I am writing you to this week from snowy Omaha. I am finding that living in a place that has a true winter is bringing up memories from my childhood in Chicago. There is a feeling when you go outside in 10-degree weather that you just don’t get in North Carolina. The air smells different, the sky looks different, the cold goes through your clothes in a matter of minutes no matter how heavy your coat is, and not matter how little skin is exposed. It was not an all-together bad memory. I used to love going to the ice skating rink at the park each day after school. The thrill of skating took my mind off of the cold, or maybe as a child I was not as sensitive to the cold.

    Wearing a heavy winter coat, I felt insulated and was less aware of where I was in space, less aware of others around me. All of these things remind me that associative memory is a strong phenomenon.

    Associative memory plays a big part in the way grief appears during the holiday season.

    Associative memory is when our memories are attached to something from a certain time in our past. It can be a food, a smell, a song, or an event, anything that reminds us of the past.
    The smell of risotto cooking reminds me of my grandmother. The smell of Christmas trees reminds me of going out in the cold snowy weather and looking for a tree when I was a child. Seeing a snow village at Christmas time reminds me of Leah. She loved the ceramic town we had and she always arranged it. It is one of our Christmas traditions that we have not been able to resume since she has been gone.

    The holiday season can be stressful on it own without the added layers of grief. Grief is a difficult emotion to describe because it is made up of so many other feelings such as sadness, anger, devastation, and so many more.

    These feelings often show up in different intensities at different times.

    What helps you cope one time may make you dissolve into tears the next. Having some skills, or some alternative traditions to draw on when you find yourself hit by intense feelings can help you to cope with the holidays. Here are a few that worked for me.

    Take a look at your family traditions.

    Are there any that feel too painful? Give yourself permission to do things differently or not at all this year. You may feel differently next year.

    A change of scenery may help.

    Traveling to a new destination can take you out of the familiar that may be too painful for you. You will still miss your loved one, and remember past holidays, however you will not be faced every day with constant associative memories that you are not ready to face, especially if your loss has been recent. Even if your loss has not been so recent, take care of your own needs. We still don’t put up a Christmas tree, and it has been 14 years.

    Self-care is especially important during times of stress.

    When I am feeling stress my grief becomes overwhelming. Give yourself some extra self-care this holiday season. I have suggested that you keep a list of things that nourish you, or give you pleasure. Take your list out now and look at it, is there anything you want to add? It is good to have this list handy when you do feel stressed or overwhelmed. You can choose something from your list without having to think of what you want to do when you are already feeling stress. Naps can be great stress relievers, as can mindlessly doodling.

    Remember that grief changes with the seasons.

    What worked this year may not work next year. There is no right or wrong way to meet your grief, no timetable on when you will begin to heal. Give yourself the time you need, honor your own process. Each member of your family will process grief in their own way too. You can let them know their way is ok, sometimes that is all that is needed, to know that however we are processing grief and wherever we are our grief journey is exactly right for us. That can be enough to allow us to relax a little and let the healing begin.