Category: Grief

Working with Grief

When I am asked, Why do you do this work?” or “How can you work with people in grief?” My initial answer is that I am honoring my daughter’s memory as I go about this important work. Leah was and remains a bright light in our lives. In doing this work, I hope to bring that light to people who need to see that light in the shadow of grief that they are under.

We wanted to give back to others, something of the lessons that we have learned along the way.

We chose to do this work based upon our experience of working through our own despair and grief. Our company name comes from where we found ourselves at the time; “being with grief”. These 3 simple words hold so much. The act of being that describes your awareness of your present state, and “with grief” as we found ourselves steeped in the turmoil of loss and pain. All our unmet expectations of her life that were cut short never to be realized.

So that our grief work comes from our hearts to others with hearts broke open.

Sometimes it seems like we are all “Beings” with grief, because we continue, throughout our lives to have grief visited upon us. Some grief, we barely recognize; the traffic jams on the way to work or the annoyance of standing in line for something we need. Then there is the larger grief, that slam us to the ground and grinds us down. It is deciding whether to pick ourself up and carry on that can seem like an unsurmountable challenge. It it brutally illustrates the reason why this work is important.

It isn’t easy to open up to each other and make the effort to expose the wounded individual that struggles with the pain of loss. It can be especially difficult for a man to share the pain with anyone. Men often choose isolation because we are taught that we should grieve alone. If you ever stumbled as a child and were told to walk it off, you were conditioned to accept what happened, deny the feeling and make the best of it.

This perpetuates the myth of self-protection from our own feelings and emotions. That showing our vulnerability somehow makes us weaker. That we are somehow protected by not showing our feelings. That it is safer to stuff your feelings than to share them with your mate or a friend that can listen without making a judgement. Not being aware of our feelings numbs us to our pain but also numbs us to any other feeling. Apathy can be the result, you can quit caring and that is not a path that a marriage or a relationship can survive.

I believe that allowing our vulnerability to show makes us stronger. Why are we afraid of being in a position to be judged as human? We all have our list of strengths frailties and flaws. Particularly in marriage, our flaws are on showcase for our partner who sees all of them and loves us no less. It is a lesson that I learned and that I share even when it feels like I am shouting into the wilderness. I’ll be sharing more about husbands and wives in future posts. I would like to hear your comments or contact me on our website.

August 6, 2021
How Did I Get Here?

It occurred to me that if you are a recent reader of my blog, you might not know how I got to a place where I’m able to be vulnerable about my grief journey.

Let me take a few minutes to bring you up to date.

All my life I’ve been a seeker. Even as a child, I always sensed my inner light, even though I was sure I was wrong. A lot of things in my early life led me to believe that I had no value. Neighborhood kids bullied me, I was sexually abused starting at age 8, and I had a severe stutter, which affected most of my early life. Still, I had glimmers of what came through to me as my true essence. I always thought that was hogwash.

I did a lot of work to move beyond the abuse of my childhood. By the time I had my own children, I was in touch with a semblance that inner light most of the time, yet I was still a work in progress.

In November of 2000, my 17-year old daughter Leah died from injuries she sustained in a car accident on her way to school; she was a senior. She hit a tree, the only one in the middle of a cornfield, and had severe brain injuries. After 5 days in the hospital we had to make the impossible decision to remove her from life support. I thought my life was over.

And it was, my life as I knew it would never be the same again.

Shortly after she died, I received two messages. They were similar to the message I received as a child about my inner light.

Losing Leah is too high a price to pay to not live the life you were meant to live.

Everything you have done up until this point has prepared you for what is coming next.

I had no idea how I was going to make sense of either of those messages at the time; however, I knew that in order to honor my daughter, I would have to try to excavate the life I was meant to live. I turned to a practice that was already a part of my life at the time, a direct experience practice of present moment awareness called Samyama.

Samyama helped me to be with the pain of my daughter’s death, without all of the stories that went with it.

I also already had a trusted Samyama practitioner. In those days I didn’t want to talk about Leah’s death to anyone who didn’t know me well. I was self-isolating, and staying in my pain. It’s what most of us do in early grief.

I found Samyama to be a powerful resource to unravel the stories that held me in a place of suffering after Leah died.

I found that my heart could hold the pain, and teach me how to be with my feelings, which eventually began to shift them.

I discovered that my heart is an alchemical vessel that can hold anything, no matter how big or painful or uncomfortable.

I learned how to get better at feeling my feelings.

Every time I was able to bring my feelings to my heart without the stories, I would receive blessings and grace, every single time. I was beginning to experience the alchemy of grief.

The alchemy of my grief journey allowed me to go deeper into those old childhood wounds, and heal them more fully. My daughter’s death provided me with the initiation necessary to fully excavate that light that was only a glimmer earlier in my life.

I found my voice through my grief journey and I learned how to take a stand for myself. I learned that when I speak from my heart I do not stutter. I learned that I can feel joy and pain at the same time; they are not mutually exclusive. I became an author and a speaker. I uncovered that light that has always burned in my soul.

I am living the life I was meant to live.

Living the life I was meant to live means that I continue to be present to where life is calling me in each moment. That is the biggest lesson of my grief journey, and how I continue to honor my daughter.

August 6, 2021
Husband & Wife Grief

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A topic that has become the subject of a few of our recent podcasts deals with the grief that a husband and wife go through regarding the loss of a child. If you checked out our web page (www.beingwithgrief.com) then you are familiar with the story of our daughter and our loss. Nothing can prepare you for the loss of a child or the grief that follows an event like this.

It is a particularly wrenching moment for a marriage.

In addition to the overwhelming sadness that you feel; you are also shown all the chinks and flaws in your marriage at a time when you are weak, confused and grieving. Simply put, men and women grieve differently. This can contribute to the divide that can grow out of a horrible loss and destroy a marriage or relationship. My experience in dealing with the aftermath of loss taught me a few things about the differences that I would like to share.

No surprise that women are nurturers.

Regardless of the role you might play in society, women carry the nurturing aspect of human behavior far better than men. It is not only the physiology but the conditioning of society and family expectations that contribute to what separates male from female. In our case, my wife and daughter had a relationship that many moms and daughters have experienced. From the struggle with selecting what to wear, the many shopping excursions and the struggles over boyfriends, habits, and chores, the mom-daughter relationship goes on a series of wave crests and troughs. It contributes to general stress and the experience of watching the up-down struggle that each test takes, can make your day or break your heart. Yet, through all the teenage angst, the mom-daughter relationship somehow remains strong regardless of the teenage willfulness or a mother’s concern.

I think that this is because women, and especially moms and daughters connect with each other face to face. They enter intentionally into their mash-up of ideas, desires, goals with the idea that eventually it will all resolve itself. They will pick up the pieces, mend and clean-up whatever mess was made and carry on, together.

It has been said, that men connect shoulder to shoulder.

Fathers and sons approach a task whether it is doing chores, teaching/learning a new skill (like woodworking) or playing a video game side by side and shoulder to shoulder. Facing the issue from the side can give the impression that they are a team. This may lead to a false sense of unity and create expectations that are not followed through on.

The resolution of the lesson or chore may not result in the same type of personal connection and creates a different type of bond. Think of a football match, when all your team is aligned against another opposing force. Your team may have the same goal but the intent is the man or team that faces you is the opponent and it is a win-lose situation.

The moral is that, once the lesson is taught and skill is learned, you are expected to execute the task on your own. Go, cut the grass, wash the car, kill the deer, win the game or paint the house. In other words, “Perform and produce while I attend to other things.” Isolated from others with an expectations that hangs over you contributing to whether you, “Play nice or rebel.”

When it comes to grief, men have an inherent idea that “you are on your own.” How you respond depends on how you were taught and what you observed. As a society we do not teach grief in theory or in practice. We are left “to our own devices” which in many cases means we, as men, stumble, trip and fall. I’ll be looking into this more closely in another post later this month.

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August 5, 2021
Do You Have a Daily Practice?
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Throughout my life I’ve always been fascinated when someone talked about a daily practice.

I imagined that their practice allowed them to be exactly the person they wanted to be, 100% of the time, especially when the person talking about to me was someone I looked up to, someone who seemed to have it all together.

I tried many times to cultivate a morning practice of my own.

Do you have a morning practice?

Maybe a better question is do you have a practice that is sustainable?

What makes a morning practice sustainable?

I’ve strived to find a morning practice, or any practice for that matter, that I will do consistently. I was reminded recently that a daily practice is like making an investment in your self.
- If you put $5 a week in your bank account after a time, your money will not only accumulate, it will grow.
- If you watch a rain barrel fill with raindrops, it may seem empty for a long time, and then it’s overflowing and able to water your plants.
In my own quest to find a sustainable daily practice, I’ve tried many things, and many times of the day. Things like Samyama, or prayer, or writing to name a few. Consistency has always been elusive for me, in many areas of my life. Every time I strayed from my practice even for one day, I considered myself a failure and spiraled into days of negative self-talk for not doing what I set out to do.

Have you ever done that?

Over time, (lots of time) I realized that I was trying to be too perfect. One of the great lessons from my grief journey was giving myself grace when I was striving for perfection. I have now cultivated a daily practice that is sustainable and that won’t derail if I miss a day.

I begin (most) days sitting in Samyama, (presence) followed by writing, followed by movement. When I have an early morning commitment, I do at least one of these things some other time of the day. As I continue to consistently invest in my self-care in this way, I find that I can ease up on myself when I’m tempted to berate myself for skipping a day.

The “results “ of a daily practice may not be apparent on a day-to-day basis, and maybe not even on a week-to-week basis. Yet I’m beginning to feel the accumulative effect of my daily practice. And that right there is enough for me to continue each day.

You may wonder the same thing, if you’ve been doing a daily practice fairly consistently.

Is it worth the time?

Could you be doing something more productive?

And then you find yourself in a situation that calls for patience, and you know exactly how to access it.

Or the answer to a prayer you’ve been saying arrives in a miraculous way.

Scrupulous devotion to our daily rituals creates alchemy that show up as miracles.

What have you noticed in your own life?

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August 5, 2021
Through the Gate

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I took this picture on a recent walk.

I’ve always been fascinated by wrought iron gates.

Gates are a common image in guided meditations, in dreams, on a walk.

For me, they represent entrances into a mysterious place, my inner realm.

Gates have appeared at many important times of my life.

There was a gate into the yard of office of my Samyama practitioner when I was processing early grief. (And it matched a gate I’ve often seen in a dream)

I used to love swinging on the gate to my yard as a child. I can still remember the feeling of freedom that I felt as I was doing it.

This gate is locked, AND it is not attached to anything on either side.

We easily walked around it.

Gates can represent entrance into something wonderful, or they can block passage to a place that is forbidden, (at least in some stories or dreams) or a place that we don’t want to enter.

Maybe, if we look closer, the gates that we think are keeping us safe, that we don’t want to enter aren’t attached either. Maybe upon closer examination, there is a way around.

Grief can feel like this sometimes.

It feels like a locked gate, and we avoid it at all costs because we don’t want to go to a place that is unfamiliar. Grief can feel like uncharted territory.

What if we find that when we go through the gate, we are greeted by a guide who will show us how to meet our grief with grace? That’s what happened for me when I when through that gate early in my grief journey.

What will you find when you go through the gated you come across in your journey?

You need only to be willing to enter.

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August 4, 2021
Reclaiming My Voice Through My Grief Journey

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One of the biggest changes I’ve experienced as I traveled along my grief journey is speaking up; I’ve reclaimed my voice.

As I prepared to bring my book into the world I needed to cultivate the capacity to tell my story in the way I was being called to tell it.

This was very daunting for me. I grew up with a severe stutter. I avoided speaking (not just speaking to an audience) at all costs. I felt shame, and was sure something was deeply wrong with me. Yet, by this time, I recognized my inner guidance. I knew what it felt like in my body, and I was being called to tell my story.

I prepared for this calling in several ways.

I worked with an Embodied Movement coach to cultivate the space in my body to hold my story. I found that even after all the inner work I had done through my life, my body was still holding on to remnants of old stuff that needed to be released. I was able to free up space in my body so that I could embody my story. This work was so powerful that when my coach offered her work to other professionals to learn how to incorporate it into their own work with clients, I took it, and now am able to use Embodied Movement Practices with my own clients to help them to move old feelings through, and make space for where life is calling them now.

I joined Toastmasters, Video Mojo Toastmasters, specifically. Here I was able to not only learn how to speak in from of an audience, I learned how to create good quality videos, as well as how to create a You Tube Channel.

I also worked with a voice and messaging coach. She helped me to speak with emotion in my voice without breaking down. Up until that time, I could tell my story, yet there was no emotion in my voice or face. It was one of the ways I protected myself from completely losing my composure. Learning how to tell my story with emotion, with vulnerability helps me to connect with my audiences.

One of the myths of grief is that time heals all wounds.

It’s a myth because it’s not just the time that heals; it’s what you do with that time. Similarly, finding my voice, there were things I needed to do to use it effectively. I learned how to embody my story, so I could tell it with vulnerability, confidence, and grace.

Finding my voice not only assisted my to tell my story, it also helps me in my everyday life. I now speak up when I am compelled to speak. I’ve discovered that when I speak from my heart, I do not stutter.

I’ve dismantled the shame.

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August 3, 2021
The Rhythm of Time

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One of the things that I often talk about is recognizing the impact that the rhythm of time has had on my grief journey.

All throughout my life, I’ve always been fascinated by how time can feel different, depending on what is going on. Maybe that’s why I was so aware of the surreal quality time took on as I traveled my grief journey.

In the very early days of my grief journey, I was aware a different rhythm to the weeks and weekends. The weeks were spent trying to get back to normal, even though it was a new normal. The weekends had more space to feelings to arise, and I was so weary from trying to go back to a semblance of normal, that all I could do is sleep. And then Monday would come again, and I the pattern would repeat, over and over until I began to slowly do the work to change this particular rhythm.

Another time that I noticed a different rhythm was around holidays and milestone days.

Sometimes it was because a particular holiday held special memories for my family. Other times it is because a holiday changes the normal rhythm of our lives anyway.

What do you notice as a holiday or milestone day approaches? Do you feel anxiety arising, and not know why? It could be because of associative memories, or it could be the shift in the way time feels around these times.

This year, I noticed a shift at Memorial Day because of memories of last year, as we were beginning to quarantine. What I’ve discovered is that each year brings different feelings depending on what has gone on the year before. That’s why it’s important to ask yourself each year as a holiday, or milestone day approaches, what you need this year. Each year may be different.

When we give ourselves the space to be present to what we need now, we are able to find it.

In the early days of my grief journey, often I found myself wishing a certain day would not come so I wouldn’t have extra time to feel those painful feelings, or I would use diversion or distraction to numb the feelings. I found that was not helpful. It did not make the feelings go away. It make them louder and more intense, and they eventually have to be felt anyway.

When you are facing a difficult milestone, or holiday, take some time to ask yourself what you need this year, now, today. Not what worked last year or even last month.

The more I sit in presence, the more I receive exactly what I need in each moment.

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August 2, 2021
Grief Work

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I have spent a lot of time thinking about and working with grief including the pain, doubt, fear and shame that accompanies this human condition. While I have come to understand that grief is a normal and natural condition, I now also understand that grief as an emotion is different from living with the feeling of grief.

Grief is complicated, wrapped in misunderstanding and worthy of a closer look.

As an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist, we are shown that grief occurs whenever a familiar pattern of behavior changes. What does that mean? This idea may or may not be familiar to you; I struggled to understand the concept until I thought of the following examples from my life:

The loss of a relationship is an obvious example of a pattern that changes. Whether it is a first love or a love that has lasted a lifetime, when a relationship ends it can be devastating. When there isn’t an answer to you calling their name, the pattern has changed and grief enters. Many examples of this type of loss is common and I’ll re-visit some of them in later writings.

Loss of a job is another example that most people will understand. When you have gotten into the rhythm of a job and the job is no longer available, you can experience grief. Whether it is because the job is over or there was a layoff, when you no longer have to punch a clock or show up as scheduled it can affect your sense of worth and put your life and finances upside down. COVID-19 caused us to miss the relationships that develop in a work environment. This is another example of feeling grief associated with virtual work and a significant pattern change.

Loss of a pet, whether it is missing the daily walk or the couch cuddles is a loss of pattern that can leave you raw. Especially, the unconditional love they give us when that love is no longer there. Pets offer us many examples of living in the moment whether it is scratching at the door for the urgent nature call or the plaintive meows when it is dinner and the bowl is empty.

These living in the moment patterns impact our routines.

If you are like me, I love my morning routine of a morning cup of coffee and a silent prayer at the start of the day. Routines offer consistency and are comforting. You know what to expect. When the unexpected happens and the pattern changes we can be thrown into chaos and struggle with those doubts, fears and shame.

You can bet that at some point in your life, you will be faced with a major change in your routine.

Whether it is one of the situations that I mention above or perhaps one that came to you as you read this post. What we do when our patterns change, how we adjust, what we shed, what we keep and how we pick ourselves up will be covered as I delve into tackling the challenging subject of men’s grief and begin to peal back the layers on my story.

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August 1, 2021
Grief

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I have spent a lot of time thinking about and working with grief including the pain, doubt, fear and shame that accompanies this human condition. While I have come to understand that grief is a normal and natural condition, I now also understand that grief as an emotion is different from living with the feeling of grief.

Grief is complicated, wrapped in misunderstanding and worthy of a closer look.

As an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist, we are shown that grief occurs whenever a familiar pattern of behavior changes. What does that mean? This idea may or may not be familiar to you; I struggled to understand the concept until I thought of the following examples from my life:

The loss of a relationship is an obvious example of a pattern that changes. Whether it is a first love or a love that has lasted a lifetime, when a relationship ends it can be devastating. When there isn’t an answer to you calling their name, the pattern has changed and grief enters. Many examples of this type of loss is common and I’ll re-visit some of them in later writings.

Loss of a job is another example that most people will understand. When you have gotten into the rhythm of a job and the job is no longer available, you can experience grief. Whether it is because the job is over or there was a layoff, when you no longer have to punch a clock or show up as scheduled it can affect your sense of worth and put your life and finances upside down. COVID-19 caused us to miss the relationships that develop in a work environment. This is another example of feeling grief associated with virtual work and a significant pattern change.

Loss of a pet, whether it is missing the daily walk or the couch cuddles is a loss of pattern that can leave you raw. Especially, the unconditional love they give us when that love is no longer there. Pets offer us many examples of living in the moment whether it is scratching at the door for the urgent nature call or the plaintive meows when it is dinner and the bowl is empty.

These living in the moment patterns impact our routines.

If you are like me, I love my morning routine of a morning cup of coffee and a silent prayer at the start of the day. Routines offer consistency and are comforting. You know what to expect. When the unexpected happens and the pattern changes we can be thrown into chaos and struggle with those doubts, fears and shame.

You can bet that at some point in your life, you will be faced with a major change in your routine.

Whether it is one of the situations that I mention above or perhaps one that came to you as you read this post. What we do when our patterns change, how we adjust, what we shed, what we keep and how we pick ourselves up will be covered as I delve into tackling the challenging subject of men’s grief and begin to peal back the layers on my story.

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I have spent a lot of time thinking about and working with grief including the pain, doubt, fear and shame that accompanies this human condition. While I have come to understand that grief is a normal and natural condition, I now also understand that grief as an emotion is different from living with the feeling of grief.

Grief is complicated, wrapped in misunderstanding and worthy of a closer look.

As an Advanced Grief Recovery Specialist, we are shown that grief occurs whenever a familiar pattern of behavior changes. What does that mean? This idea may or may not be familiar to you; I struggled to understand the concept until I thought of the following examples from my life:

The loss of a relationship is an obvious example of a pattern that changes. Whether it is a first love or a love that has lasted a lifetime, when a relationship ends it can be devastating. When there isn’t an answer to you calling their name, the pattern has changed and grief enters. Many examples of this type of loss is common and I’ll re-visit some of them in later writings.

Loss of a job is another example that most people will understand. When you have gotten into the rhythm of a job and the job is no longer available, you can experience grief. Whether it is because the job is over or there was a layoff, when you no longer have to punch a clock or show up as scheduled it can affect your sense of worth and put your life and finances upside down. COVID-19 caused us to miss the relationships that develop in a work environment. This is another example of feeling grief associated with virtual work and a significant pattern change.

Loss of a pet, whether it is missing the daily walk or the couch cuddles is a loss of pattern that can leave you raw. Especially, the unconditional love they give us when that love is no longer there. Pets offer us many examples of living in the moment whether it is scratching at the door for the urgent nature call or the plaintive meows when it is dinner and the bowl is empty.

These living in the moment patterns impact our routines.

If you are like me, I love my morning routine of a morning cup of coffee and a silent prayer at the start of the day. Routines offer consistency and are comforting. You know what to expect. When the unexpected happens and the pattern changes we can be thrown into chaos and struggle with those doubts, fears and shame.

You can bet that at some point in your life, you will be faced with a major change in your routine.

Whether it is one of the situations that I mention above or perhaps one that came to you as you read this post. What we do when our patterns change, how we adjust, what we shed, what we keep and how we pick ourselves up will be covered as I delve into tackling the challenging subject of men’s grief and begin to peal back the layers on my story.

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August 1, 2021
Back to Basics

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Sometimes it’s good to go back to the basics.

I’ve been talking about grief for a long time. I sometimes forget that not everyone is as comfortable talking about it as I am. Let’s talk for a moment about what grief is.

Grief is the normal response to any loss. We experience a lot of loss during our lifetime, and we don’t always recognize it as grief.

I used to think that I experienced grief for the first time when a loved one died. I faced the loss of my grandparents, and my mother before Leah died. Even though I did, it did not prepare me for the death of my daughter.

As I traveled the course of my grief journey after my daughter died, I came to realize that grief is a lifelong journey. We are challenged with many life transitions and losses of differing degrees, over the course of our lives. We aren’t taught how to handle the feelings that arise when these losses occur.

Here are a few of my own encounters with grief.

In school I was always picked last for team games, and I didn’t make the cheer leading squad. Parents or teachers may down play what they consider a minor disappointment. To me these things did not feel minor. Maybe you’ve had a similar experience.

I was sexually abused, beginning at age 8, and I felt like I was worthless for a long time after that.

Dan and I were in a car accident while I was pregnant with Peter, and it resulted in a C-section. We lost the ability to have the kind of birth we wanted, and Dan was not present at his son’s birth.

While I may not have recognized that grief entered into my life at these times; they had a huge impact nonetheless. What impact does unrecognized grief have on your life? How can you fully know the answer to that question?

Looking back from my current vantage point I can see that all of these experiences helped to shape me, and I was able to go back and grieve for these losses once I had the skills and resources available to me, most of which I cultivated after Leah died.

What if I would have had some of these skills available when these events occurred during my life?

What if I had known that it was ok to feel sad about not becoming a cheerleader, instead of lying about going to tryouts so I didn’t have to face my disappointment in front of my family?

What if you were taught how to meet your “minor” disappointments when they happened? We’re often taught to get over it, or move on to the next thing before we fully honor what has gone before. I would have been so much better prepared for the death of a loved one if I knew that my sad and painful feelings were ok to have, and if I was taught the skills to feel them without the intense overwhelm that often accompanies these feelings.

We think, I thought, that if I pushed them away, or used some kind of diversion, they will eventually go away and I wouldn’t have to feel them. (Have you ever felt that way?)

For me, the opposite was true. The more I pushed them away, the more intense they became. I knew I would have to find a way to allow myself to feel the feelings or I would not be able to honor Leah in the way I was being called to honor her.

I learned how to meet my feelings, one at a time, in my heart so that they could shift, so that I could eventually know that it was possible to reclaim myself again; so that I was able to live a meaningful and purposeful life. So that I was able to feel joy again,

And that is how I honor Leah. I help others to find meaning and purpose in their lives again.

Moving through grief, healing your heart does not mean that you will forget your loved one.

Love won’t let that happen.

I feel more connected to Leah now than I ever did, and I feel her presence often.

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August 1, 2021