My Site

Author: Dan Loeffler

  • Reflections on World Sorrows

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    Reflections on World Sorrow

    Francis Weller, in his book The Wild Edge of Sorrow, talks of the Sorrow of the World.  By acknowledging the losses in the world around us, we begin to understand how our personal loss seems insurmountable due to our accumulated experiences of loss that we witness in the world. These are not the natural disasters that we respond to with volunteering and supporting donations but, living day to day in response to man’s inhumanity to man. Events like; war in Ukraine, drive-by or school shootings, violence against women, children, immigrants or people of a different race, creed or culture, sexual persuasion are not events we know how to genuinely and compassionately respond to. 

    While the sorrows of the world cannot be assuaged as individuals. We can acknowledge them in community and come to understand what Weller describes as the “anima-mundi.’  Defined as, that intrinsic connection between all living things. To consider the world as “a living organism and we as creatures who inhabit this Living Planet” has been a concept since antiquity. To consider any damage to the planet as a wound or scar is to begin to acknowledge that the immense repercussions of how we as inhabitants of this Earth have profound impact on our environment and the very “liveliness” of earth.

    My wife, Nancy often speaks about alchemy and grief. The transformation that is possible when grief undergoes a change that results in an opening of our souls. This grief of the world registers in our bodies and lacking resources to heal the pain it accumulates, stagnates and manifests as illness, depression, loneliness and despair. When we incorporate our loss, into our being, it results in the experience of growth. The alchemy transforms us.

    Grief Work and Ritual offer opportunity to experience the communal cup of loss. To express our kinship to one another based not on a comparison of loss but of honoring the loss because each loss is unique and profoundly felt. In our sacred complex world, the alchemy that grief allows us to turn our losses into the gold of what might yet be.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Tales from the Ammo Box – Elder Academy

    Tales from the Ammo Box – Elder Academy

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    Another edition of Tales from the Ammo Box

    In browsing today, I came across an article from The Elder Academy and it sparked a few thoughts that I would like to share and expand on. When we experience loss, so many changes happen.  I relate this to when I was confronted by the loss of my daughter. My wife, Nancy and I had our world turned upside down and little was left that was recognizable.

    On that November 2000 date, we experienced a moment that transitioned what was familiar into chaos.  Like most people faced with an unexpected death, we were overwhelmed. We needed reorienting in our changed worlds and lives, but without a roadmap or guide it was nearly an impossible task for me. Grieving is exhausting, no matter what kind of loss you have. Reorienting took me awhile to maneuver. I was not available or not showing up for Nancy or our son Peter. I just went through those early days in a haze. I didn’t broadcast my need for help because I was just drained. I isolated,  being quiet and self-protective in an attempt to regain balance.

    I walked in fog; twisting on a path through through the unfamiliar landscape of grief. Nancy said that at times she felt the need to walk on eggshells around me. I returned to work in an attempt to keep busy, to numb the pain and attempt to put on a strong face. After all, as men we are told to be strong and sIlent. I gained weight, drank too much and lost interest in most activities. I didn’t fully know who I was, who others were and made some bad career and personal decisions.

    In those early days, I realize now, that I was not trying hard enough. I was at a point where just showing up was difficult and I struggled with the inertia and exhaustion. It wasn’t until I became too uncomfortable living in the mess that I was in, that it was either change or give up on everything I had built. I chose to salvage my damaged life and to try to regain my identity and well being. I had assumed that I was going to make it, but I didn’t know how my recovery would play out.

    “Knowing that you don’t have a clue about how to help yourself can be a huge gift to yourself.”

    Along the way I spoke to professionals who planted seeds for my eventual recovery. I discovered the Grief Recover Method that spoke to me on my level and learned of men’s work. In short it took a lot of effort. Today, I use those building blocks to help others in their recovery.

    “Not knowing is allowing openness and spaciousness to reveal the mystery and provide a path to understanding.”

    This is especially true when grief is present. Not knowing is one of the hardest things for people to master. It often seems dangerous to take a leap of faith in a time when things are in chaos.  Our mind attempts to fill in not-knowing with all kinds of assumptions, assertions, projections often just making us more confused.

    In grief, we have to navigate by guesswork, prepare to be wrong, and at best be open to discovery. My father used to tell me something like this and I never understood it until I was in that situation. “Hope for the best, expect the worst and take whatever comes,” he would say. Again, it boils down to a choice that I made and that you can make too.  Are you ready to take a positive healing step and set the pain of your loss aside? It doesn’t mean you will forget the loss but that you can let go of the pain. 

    If you ask someone who is grieving how they are, there may be reasons why they can’t or won’t give a full answer. Don’t presume to fully comprehend what someone should be doing or what their capacity is. They are hurting and need help. You can be there for them and listen with an open heart. There are resources you can guide them to and a conversation may be the beginning of their journey to healthy healing.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Tales from the Ammo Box – Temple of your mind and Warrior Culture

    Tales from the Ammo Box – Temple of your mind and Warrior Culture

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    A few days ago, I journaled about the area aligned with my eyes on the side of my head, referred to as your temple. And being a good follower of the obvious, the origin of the word struck me. What better name could you have for this area?

    Nancy and I both talk about today bringing your feelings to your heart to experience them and I understand that that is difficult for many. So when I think of Christ preaching in “the Temple” I am envisioning those words landing between my ears. In this inner chapel of my mind where ego and self square off against being conscious and being “woke”, I believe. By that i mean, that all my authenticity, my words and actions are examples of how I show up in the world.

    The issue is to not remain stuck in a warrior mentality.

    How then does this relate to the mythopoetic notion of warrior culture. In men’s work, one starting place for engagement is to invoke the warrior “self” as a quest to find meaning. I like idea that this invitation ignites a calling to go deeper. The issue is to not remain stuck in a warrior mentality. Calling the Warrior self into “consciousness” is a first step in a process that engages other important aspects of a man including the artist, inventor, lover and the “king”.

    Therefore, if you become stuck in one place, you can become the cannon fodder casualty of your inner war. When you look at the results of war and what it brings and that’s not the place I ever want to be. So when I became stuck in my grief, I had to go deeper because I didn’t have all the puzzle pieces of myself fitting neatly together. I had anger, shame, guilt backing me into a corner. Yes, I had to fight or better engage with those feelings as a first step. I then became a student of my grief and now I find myself in a place of mentorship. To take up the task of speaking of my grief, I accomplish my mission of serving those stuck in their grief. I do this by elevating the conversation, removing the stigma of talking about uncomfortable things.

    “Only by normalizing the difficult conversation… move through the emotions that grief brings.”

    When your heart is broken from a devastating loss you seek relief from pain and sadness. If you walk around with the idea that you can’t express your feelings, then you can’t find that relief. It is only by normalizing the difficult conversation, that grief becomes less scary and painful. You can release the pressure of holding everything inside if you make that choice.  Your choice is to respond not react to the discomfort.

    That is why we call you and invite you to hear our conversation, participate as you are called to and become part of the community to move through the emotions that grief brings. We want you to be successful in meeting your grief in a safe environment and become comfortable in Being with Grief.

    [/fusion_text][fusion_imageframe image_id=”2063|medium” aspect_ratio=”” custom_aspect_ratio=”100″ aspect_ratio_position=”” sticky_max_width=”” skip_lazy_load=”” lightbox=”no” gallery_id=”” lightbox_image=”” lightbox_image_id=”” alt=”” link=”” linktarget=”_self” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” sticky_display=”normal,sticky” class=”” id=”” max_width=”” align_medium=”none” align_small=”none” align=”none” mask=”” custom_mask=”” mask_size=”” mask_custom_size=”” mask_position=”” mask_custom_position=”” mask_repeat=”” style_type=”” blur=”” stylecolor=”” hue=”” saturation=”” lightness=”” alpha=”” hover_type=”none” margin_top_medium=”” margin_right_medium=”” margin_bottom_medium=”” margin_left_medium=”” margin_top_small=”” margin_right_small=”” margin_bottom_small=”” margin_left_small=”” margin_top=”” margin_right=”” margin_bottom=”” margin_left=”” bordersize=”” bordercolor=”” borderradius=”” caption_style=”off” caption_align_medium=”none” caption_align_small=”none” caption_align=”none” caption_title_medium=”” caption_title_small=”” caption_title=”” caption_text=”” caption_title_color=”” caption_title_tag=”2″ fusion_font_family_caption_title_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_title_font=”” caption_title_size=”” caption_title_transform=”” caption_text_color=”” caption_background_color=”” fusion_font_family_caption_text_font=”” fusion_font_variant_caption_text_font=”” caption_text_size=”” caption_text_transform=”” caption_border_color=”” caption_overlay_color=”” caption_margin_top=”” caption_margin_right=”” caption_margin_bottom=”” caption_margin_left=”” animation_type=”” animation_direction=”left” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_offset=”” filter_hue=”0″ filter_saturation=”100″ filter_brightness=”100″ filter_contrast=”100″ filter_invert=”0″ filter_sepia=”0″ filter_opacity=”100″ filter_blur=”0″ filter_hue_hover=”0″ filter_saturation_hover=”100″ filter_brightness_hover=”100″ filter_contrast_hover=”100″ filter_invert_hover=”0″ filter_sepia_hover=”0″ filter_opacity_hover=”100″ filter_blur_hover=”0″]https://beingwithgrief.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/IMG_1364-1-300×225.jpg[/fusion_imageframe][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Another Installment of Tales from the Ammo Box

    Another Installment of Tales from the Ammo Box

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    The Ammo Box contains tales from my past that influenced my life in both big and small ways. These stories come from my parents, my siblings and the people who have come into my life at one time or another.  I have described the ammo box as the place I put things. The container for the bad things that happened as I grew and didn’t have a place to share or a way to express the accumulated emotions. Now, I come to realize that holding all that grief and all that pain did not serve me and so I open the ammo box before it can explode.

    Revealing the things we believe to others, especially about grief, can bring us right back to that “moment when”…(fill-in your description here).

    For me, it was the death of my daughter, Leah that brought me to my ‘Moment When.’ I like to consider these posts of mine as conversations, the kind done sitting down across the table from you and not shouting across a bar. Someplace safe where I tell you something in confidence about myself in the hope that by being vulnerable I can let go of being strong, grieving alone and simply tell you my story.
    Leah was 17 when she lost control of the car she was driving to school. We don’t know why it happened. We saw the skid marks but the ‘why’ will always escape our knowledge. We were not prepared for what came next but after 5 days, all brain activity had ceased and she was removed from life support. Thus began our grief journey.
    Maybe that moment for you, wasn’t a critical life trauma. I am talking about the moments that revealed  something that changed your thinking. Suddenly, you understand things differently than you did. It could be an “A-HA” moment or just a glimpse of a possibility of change on the horizon. The distance to be covered from where you were to where you are headed.
    Our thinking changed after she was gone and our world turned upside down. Nothing was normal and there was no going back to the way things were before. It challenged us and made us consider things differently. And things in our life that seems foundational shifted.

    What has to change?

    The glimpse across to the shore of broken dreams indicates that change is headed non-stop toward you.  The moment when you are faced with yourself and your beliefs.  For some, it is a place that makes us cower and we retreat without a direction or purpose. There are those who make up their mind to take a different direction. What will it take to make the change from stuck to moving in a different direction? Those are the people we are reaching out to.
    As a kid, I liked hanging out with my parents and grandparents as they played cards on Sunday afternoons. After the dishes were washed and everything was put away, the cards came out and the adults arranged themselves as partners at the table. Ready to relax a bit, perhaps have a beverage and a palaver.

    Palaver is a real word that means idyl chatting like you do when your playing cards.

    If you are the adrenaline fueled poker player then our Sunday afternoons were not for you. It was about catching up on the local news while spending idle time. The adults didn’t mind or didn’t notice that we sat under the table playing and listening to their chit-chat. Not that we understood much but we were part of the family scene. When it was discussed that my aunt had seen a doctor, it wasn’t anything unusual. I didn’t know what cancer was or how it might create change in our family.
    This was one of the first places that I learned about what it meant to be family, and how our story was to be shaped. There were lessons to be gotten from these Sunday afternoon times. Lessons that didn’t register and as the tale unfolded, the lessons had important missing elements. Those elements involving what to do with and how to react as our feelings surfaced. How would our family be impacted once our family was reduced by one. So like many, my education suffered because the tools I needed to understand and address grief are not presented in neat time release capsules. It was messy and I witnessed sadness, anger, fear and a host of other emotions as we attempted to navigate the roller coaster that is life.
    So when Nancy and I open up “The Conversations around Grief” as a webinar series, these are the things we talk about.  The everyday events that all families go through. Some families navigate grief better than others. Some families never make it. Our hope is that by sharing the things we observed and how we came through our daughters death together that can be shared by us for you. It is our hope that you will pick up some nuggets that help you in your journey. We want everyone to be successful at facing the uncomfortable moments and be able to move in a direction that creates meaning and purpose. I hope that you will consider joining us.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Tales from the Ammo Box

    Tales from the Ammo Box

    Today I was struck by another question. On a typical day, I’ll either find myself thinking about how did “That Guy” think up “that idea” and gift it to the world or I end up musing about the lyrics to songs going through my head. Since I started this men’s grief series that I am calling the ammo box, some of the songs going through my head have been Chicago,  Jethro Tull and Paul Simon (with or without Garfunkle).

    The ammo box was the place that I stuffed my feelings into. Anyone who worked with me, knows that the Pink Floyd song, Comfortably Numb was a go to for me. Stuffing my feelings made me feel comfortable and it numbed the senses. So for a while it worked to “help me get by”. That is, until it didn’t. Then the feelings came back and demanded to be seen and acted upon.

    So I use the image of an ammo box like the Grief Recovery Method uses a pressure cooker image. Or for any guy who is reading this, a boiler or an ICE radiator.  It brings me back to thoughts of my origins, my family and my father. This also leads me to the Simon & Garfunkle song, ‘I am a rock.’

    The refrain towards the end of the song:

    And a rock feels no pain

    and an island never cries

    The entire song is such a powerful expression of avoiding feeling and a suffocation of emotion. The idea that as a stoic rock you can avoid pain and as that as an isolated man, you never have to cry. Now that idea makes my blood run cold. Especially, with what is happening in the world. Our attitudes and approach based on never being hurt also prevents us from being sympathetic and compassionate toward the less fortunate victims in Ukraine.

    I grew up in a household where my father’s father lived with us. I got to see my father interact with his father. As a grandfather, Herman was not the kind of grandfather that I am. Then again, think about growing up in America after WWII and being called “Herman, the German” (I need to cut him some slack).

    Needless to say, the refrain of the song applies to him. I never saw him express any other emotion than maybe disdain. I don’t know if the was because of something that happened to him and he resented us or his situation but he was not a happy man. As for crying, it was only into a bottle of Old Crow that he kept in his closet. Gives me another appreciation for, “You are what you eat or in his case drink.”

    Not to judge him, but to use these images to place a comparison on the evolution of expression that occurred in my experience. The choices that I made to be more conscious and aware of the moments in life that give it richness and meaning. That day almost 21 years ago and the meaning that hit home.  The day my daughter got into an accident on the way to school. The 5 days we spent being bombarded with crushing emotions and tidal feelings; waiting to hear if she was going to make it. Then the ‘coup de gras’ of having to remove her from life support. I did not have the experience or the emotional bandwidth then. So like Herman, I chose to feel, no pain. I used the only method I had, which was to bottle it, box it and tighten the seal. To store it until a time I could process it or it consumed me.

    Because, it was what I knew,

    It was what I had seen. I was limited in understanding or any teaching that my parents could impart. I had to choose and I chose to grow and successfully handle my grief process. Over the course of time, I have come to understand the importance of expressing these to the people I come into contact with.

    It is another reason to have conversations about this kind of topic. “Because, it was what I knew,” and now I am ready to successfully incorporate these messages, these data points, and experiences into a better version of myself than it was when I started this life.  That’s what Nancy and I hope to do for anyone willing to do the work and engage with “Being with Grief”. Helping your process of grief has become our mission. I know there is a lot of hard lessons we learn in our lifetime. Having tools and cultivating the desire to successfully handle what you are thrown. So like the little league coach, Go out and practice practice practice. You can get better at being with grief.

     

     

  • More … Tales from the Ammo Box

    More … Tales from the Ammo Box

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    We just finished our 2nd intro seminar that is entitled, “Changing the conversation around grief”

    One of the topics that surfaced was having more than one type of conversation. I would like to reference the preemptory and the post-traumatic type conversation today. Our idea of changing the conversation starts with overcoming the stigma and reluctance to start the conversation that needs to be talked through. In the case of aging parents, my example of how our son started the conversation was, “Hey, mom and dad have you made out a will?”

    How simple and direct was that question? We looked at one another and admitted that it was time to have these conversations. How much easier would life be if our hesitation to ask a difficult question vanished? The awkwardness you feel betrays the value of answer. So often the question is responded to with,

    “What? I don’t want to talk about that.”

    The symptom of awkwardness in confronting something that you would rather not face. Yet, with the occurrence of an unanticipated death, had the question been asked, then the feelings of grief mixed with guilt could have been avoided. Guilt in knowing that there was something left unsaid.

    However, if you have a plan for your estate, then the conversation is much easier to have. In contrast, a parent may have an estate plan and their survivor may regret that they responded the same way with,

    “Let’s not talk about that now.”

    Conversations becomes a critical part of the grief process or any process really. As we discussed, in the introduction of Seminar 2, “You are not ready until you are ready.” Being ready is acknowledging that you can step into the grief. I have found that the Marine adage of “Over, Around or Through” that only by going through grief can you heal. Going over or around only avoids the issue and doesn’t begin healing.

    Communication is critical in both instances. Having the conversation ahead of time is a preference. In the unfortunate case were the question wasn’t asked, it must then occur post-event. In this case, relying on a post-traumatic event conversation you can begin the process to heal from the loss. Now this event can be anything, I used an example of an estate plan or will however, the example could have been a divorce, the loss of health, death of a grandparent or child. The Grief Recover Institute has identified over 40 different types of events that cause grief.

    Sometimes, we get stuck in the avoidance cycle like a washing machine stuck in the spin cycle. I know I attempted to side step my grief by putting it all in the ammo box. It wasn’t until my grief sounded the alarm and threatened to explode that I paid attention. The compartmentalization of my pain over the loss of my daughter responded with that alarming siren. My alarm showed up for me as a loss of interest in my life and well-being.

    Yet, I wasn’t naming it as grief and I was suffering.  I realized that the pain wasn’t serving me and that by reaching out for help I could  begin to understand how this was grief. I could then heed the warnings of my stress induced behaviors and thereby address my grief. I didn’t want to ruin what Nancy and I had built and committed to and work so hard at. We ech grieved differently and I had to find my own way.

    That is when I began my own inner work and explored Men’s Group work and eventually the Grief Recovery Method that I use in my grief service and support work. Being willing to understand that my heart was broken and that I was having difficulty doing this work on my own opened me to the healing that I now offer to others. More from the Ammo Box in future writings.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Tales From The Ammo Box

    Tales From The Ammo Box

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    Preface: The ammo box is a physical illustration of how I stuffed my grief.

    As I start this storyline, I begin to understand the relationship that I have with my father who died less than a year after I got married. That was 45 years ago and I can’t help but think that our hopes and dreams were never to be realized due to his health failing him. It was ironic that the man who never seemed to have a sick day or failed to go into the office could go as quickly as he did.

    I realize now that the long hours he put in contributed to his early death.

    Not only working at his regular job but his commitment to many after hour drafting jobs to help support the family that he created for three children relinquished through adoption. His health decline, rapid as it was had signs that as a young man I did not recognize. After all, I was going to live forever so why didn’t he?

    As is true with many who suffer loss, there was an expectation that there was time to plan and act upon those plans. How quickly that evaporates when life throws you a curve. The more unexpected, the more unprepared you are the harder the new reality hits home and knocks you flat. It was true for me and my siblings. Each of us had expectations of how dad who be there for us. My sister would miss him walking her down the aisle for her marriage. My brother would miss Dad’s attending his graduation. I would miss the opportunity to work with him on projects, working side by side as my dreams changed after he died.

    Remnants are all I have.

    The ammo box is just one of the token pieces of his life that I have to reflect upon. The ammo box which now represents the place where I buried my emotions after the death of my daughter and never had the tools to constructively deal with my grief. The contents of this real ammo box reminds me of the contents of my psyche, bits that surface from time to time to remind me of my success and my failings. For example, after he passed I realized that it held among other things drill bits. A perfect metaphor for drilling down into grief and the emotions struck when trying to get to the my truth.

    Now as a father, I have come to realize that as much as I attempted to have a better and different way of raising my own family that there were gaps in how we raised them. Conflict was one of the blindspots where I failed to show by example how to deal with one of the troublesome aspects of humanity. Namely, we don’t always agree with one another and that this gives rise to conflict. The basics of fight, flight or freeze are not the only options to deal with conflict when it arises. There is a constructive conflict option that allows for open questioning and the attempt to reach a satisfactory resolution without resulting in a harmful conclusion.

    In our family, my initial instinct was to freeze when I would get myself into a situation where my parents had to reprimand my actions. Whether it was getting caught smoking as a teenager, bringing home grades that were not up to my potential or being late for family dinner. I was stuck like the deer about to get slammed by the truck frozen in the glare of my parents eyes.

    In grief, we likewise have options that usually manifest as freeze because we are unaccustomed to being in the situation of having to deal with what is confronting us. It stops our forward motion and it seems like time is paused. Fleeing isn’t an option in the case of an accidental or unexpected death and there is no fight response because you have lost what you would fight for. Freeze is usually accompanied by a general disconnect from the situation and many poor decisions and choices can affect the outcome.

    What Nancy & I have come to realize is that having the conversations now before a crisis is involved can deepen our connection and opens our hearts to our loved ones. Then when the time occurs, the communication is already there. Then the bedside watch as death comes knocking, isn’t as much a traumatic drama. What has been revealed in these preemptory conversations will have filled the gap, salved the hurt and have made way for a better death. Preparing for a better death by breaking the seal that locks our words in our hearts and de-ices the chill that keeps us silent in our inner dialogue. That is our hope in continuing to explore this uncharted territory and to change the conversation around grief.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Dan’s Thoughts on Holiday Grief

    Holiday’s can be really hard when you have lost a family member or had a difficult time this past year. Nancy and I have been talking about doing a series of conversations on grief. While I am new to doing videos, future postings will be a little less stiff as I attempt to improve my delivery and messaging.

    We do this work because our lives were turned upside down and we want to help others avoid some mistakes we made.

  • Men’s Health & Healing – my tale

    This past August I had a Radical Prostatectomy

    My journey through this life event has given me a new appreciation for my health and the support I have in partnership with my wife, Nancy. We recently celebrated 51 years together and 45 years as man & wife. Had I not had the ability to share this event with her and gain the benefit of sharing the burden of my grief, I would not be recovering at the same rate or with the same success.

    The impact of this surgery has had an impact on my state of mind and given me much to think about. Prostate cancer will affect the lives of the majority of men as they age. Health professionals recommend that after the age of 40 you should be screened for your PSA level. It is a simple blood test that gives an indication of whether cancer is present in your prostate. Normal levels are indicated by anything less than one with the lower number the better. My level was 5.5 enough for my physician to recommend that I see a urologist. After a biopsy it was determined that I go through the procedure. I was lucky, I never had my PSA checked. I had neglected routine exams, and regret that I took my health for granted. Fortunately, the result of the surgery indicates that it was a success and that nothing had spread.

    Coming to terms with and recovery from the loss of health is possible. Your attitude and mental equilibrium depends on having support and access to the tools needed for recovery. These tools are not always available because they are not something we normally discuss. Yet, we will all experience the loss of our physical powers over time. That is something that I am recognizing in myself and that I am working on.

    As a grief support advocate and a grief recovery specialist, I help men facing crisis and attempting to overcome their grief. It is not an easy task to handle and most men are not equipped when grief enters their life. This is especially true when you realize that your life has changed in such a profound way.

    Prostate cancer will affect the lives of the majority of men as they age.

    If you would like to talk about where you are at in your recovery, I would be more than happy to share my story and listen with an open healed heart to yours. Schedule a date here or contact me at [email protected]

  • The Sound of Emotion

    Being with Grief has an on-going project called Gift Circle. The idea is that we all have gifts and that we find meaning by sharing these gifts with others. The work that I have been called to do and offer here is based on this idea.

    I grew up during the 60 & 70’s during the height of what is now called Classic Rock.

    The influence of music and sound in our lives cannot be denied. So much of our culture is wrapped up in the sounds bytes of our generation. Today, as I watch my grand daughter begin to sound out words, I have been thinking a lot about her small first words and sounds. It makes me think about interjections. You may not recognize that word but you are sure to recognize what they are. Specifically the words that come to mind are “OH”, “AH”, “EH” and “UH”. 

    So much emotion can be contained in these simple sounds. In fact, many of these simple sounds have multiple meanings. Take for example “OH”. How many times have you used this sound and in what variety of ways? OH can express passion, surprise and even disappointment depending on the emotion you are experiencing.

    I would like to extend an invitation to you to explore these simple words as a way to unlock and re-program ourselves to be more in touch with the emotion that they convey in a 30 minute “ZOOM” call. In my work, I have found that many of us are constricted in expressing our emotion due to the way we were raised. The stereotypical processing of “Be strong – Be silent and Do not show your emotion” had a profound affect on how we approach life and relationships. Being in touch with how these feeling words are used can begin the process of exploring the many emotions that we have available.

    I was either, sad, mad, glad, fearful or shamed.

    In the personal work that I have done to unlock my own limited emotional response, I realized that I had access to 5 basic emotions. I was either, sad, mad, glad, fearful or shamed. Living in this restricted emotional state did not allow me to fully appreciate and connect with my partner, my family or friends. Now after 45 years of marriage, I’d like to share some of the key ideas that kept us connected.

    Being able to express emotion in a healthy way is important to any relationship. I was made aware of how I was not in touch with some of the more complex emotions when our daughter, Leah died. My wife, Nancy has written that the death of our daughter was not only devastating to us but that Leah’s death exposed the cracks in our relationship that needed work. If you are emotionally bound and unable to provide empathy and compassion then being there for each other is simply impossible.

    There are those who would argue that being able to express emotion is not needed.

    Belief that showing emotions somehow weakens and makes you vulnerable is a limited mindset. My story demonstrates that vulnerability can make a relationships stronger. Healthy relationships and intimacy depend on the expression of emotion. My invitation to understand how emotions are conveyed in simple words demonstrate the power of sound. Being able to express even simple emotion is difficult for some. This offering is geared with this in mind by starting simple and exploring sound. I put together a program using the interjections above to express your unexpressed emotions through breath work and sound. If you are interested and would like to learn more reach out on the contact page to let me know.