It’s been 8 months since we’ve moved to St. Paul from Raleigh, NC.
We moved here to be closer to my son and his family. Our granddaughter Ayra was born in July of 2020, and after we met her, we knew that we wanted to be a part of her everyday life.
One of the things that I’ve been aware of since we’ve moved here is the grief of all of the time lost when we lived apart.
I was surprised to come upon this as grief.
The fact that I can still be surprised by grief tells me how complicated grief can be. Even though I am aware of grief in my life, I can still be taken aback by the more subtle nuances of grief.
My son had lived an airplane ride away form us for over 13 years. We saw each other 2-3 times a year during that time, and we all longed for more time together.
There was a time when I didn’t see a solution to wanting to be more of a part of my son’s life.
Because I didn’t see a solution, I also didn’t see the possibilities.
Because I didn’t see the possibilities, I was not open to any of the ways we could be a part of each other’s lives on a more regular basis.
Once I began to get curious about how we could spend more time together, possibilities began presenting themselves. One of the first was to build a tiny home in his back yard, and spend summers in Minneapolis, and winters in Raleigh. Our plans to do just that were well underway when we learned of our granddaughter’s impending arrival.
Because I had already opened the door of possibilities, when we were called very strongly to move here permanently, we walked through that door with ease.
My grief came from not engaging the field of possibilities sooner.
Thinking that I have wasted time that could have been better spent. I’ve found that is a common theme when we are looking at life decisions from the lens of grief, or disappointment.
What I’ve learned through my own journey is that we are not ready until we are ready. When we are ready, we find what we are ready for, our teacher appears. Lamenting what we haven’t done, what we didn’t say yes to earlier can keep us stuck.
Learning how to live with presences helps us to embrace what is here now, where life is calling us in each moment. It doesn’t mean that we will never feel difficult feelings again, or that grief stays up on that shelf where we put it, hoping it will stay our of site.
Rather it means that we have the resources to meet our feelings, all of them, when they show up.
As I met these most recent feelings of grief, I realized that up until now, I was not ready to make the move that I made. I am aware of all the reasons that this is true. I became aware of them in a moment of knowing as I sat in my daily Samyama practice. I was able to hold those feelings of grief in my heart, and allow my heart to transmute them. I also know that I don’t know ALL of the details of this move, and that is ok. I trust that as I continue to be devoted to the present moment, I will know what I need to know at exactly the right time.
When you are ready to get curious about your own grief journey, I am here.