My Site

Category: Unrecognized Grief

  • Grief is Not Contagious

    Grief is Not Contagious

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    “What is the unseen force that keeps people from wanting to engage (their own) grief and avoid those who are grieving?”

    (From Chapter 10, The Alchemy of Grief: Your Journey to Wholeness)

    The answer to this question is what keeps me motivated to help others engage in their feelings of grief, and be with the uncomfortable feelings they experience.

    Today, I am comfortable sharing my story, being vulnerable, and talking about how grief impacts my life. I’m still often surprised at the response I receive what I’m at speaking engagements, or at networking events with someone who doesn’t know my story.

    What I’ve also discovered is that most of us who are comfortable talking about grief have experienced it first hand.  We found ourselves right in the middle of our greatest fear.  We had a choice to either stay stuck or find a way through.

    Those of us who have found a way through wish we hadn’t had to. We too wish that our reality didn’t include finding a way to live without our loved one’s physical presence in it. And at the same time, we know that we have made a choice to meet our grief.

    We may each have our own reasons for doing that, such as:

    • Honoring our loved one,
    • Wanting to find out if there is more to life.
    • Wanting to be there for other children or family members who need us.
    • Not wanting to stay stuck in a place that doesn’t serve us

    To name a few.

    Many of these reasons overlap, and may become the lifelines that give us the hope and grace we need to continue on the path of climbing out of the deep well of grief.

    Each time we model how we are being with our feelings, and getting better at being uncomfortable, we show those who have no context for grief what is possible.

    On of the first times we did this after Leah dies was at a Remembrance Gathering we held for her on what would have been her 18th birthday, 6 months after she died.

    We invited her friends and ours to gather, remember, and share.  Our invitation was met with bewilderment, confusion, and many questions. No one knew what to expect, yet those who were able to quell their fears, out of respect for us, or to honor Leah were all surprised at the experience they had.  They called us brave, and innovative. They expressed their gratitude for inviting them. On that day we received confirmation that we are here to show others another way to meet grief.  Still, today, I receive messages from attendees who tell us how much that ceremony touched their lives.

    One of the many gifts of my grief journey is cultivating resources to meet grief when it occurs in my life.  When Leah died, I was ill equipped to meet grief, as many of us are when we meet unexpected, and/or sudden grief.  Now, when I experience grief, no matter where it arises, I give it the time and space it needs to move through, and be seen.  That is another passion of mine, to teach skills to help us have a place to start when we do find ourselves face to face with grief. Having the tools we need before we begin a task makes that task easier.

    I’d like to think the same is true of grief, and meeting our difficult feelings.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Chapter 1 ~ You’re Never Prepared

    Chapter 1 ~ You’re Never Prepared

    In this chapter we find out that Leah has been in a car accident on her way to school.

    She hit a tree, the only one in the middle of a cornfield.

    As I reread my words and remember the feelings, I was struck by just how much I wasn’t prepared to learn what had happened. I describe it as being in a country without knowing the language or customs, and I’ll add here, I didn’t want to learn the language.

    During this time Leah was in surgery and we didn’t know her prognosis. Both Dan and I were going over our last conversations with her, trying to figure out where we could have made a change that would have altered the outcome; that would have prevented her accident.

    We were sitting with the “what ifs,” and the “if onlies.”

    We were praying for her to emerge from surgery with a smirk on her face, and her familiar eye roll. We were sure that our lives would once again return to the way they were before, a normalcy with a few lessons from this experience. I didn’t realize at the time how much I was clinging to that gossamer thread. I could consider no other outcome. We were going to laugh about all this someday.

    We were in the unknown.

    We are always in the unknown, yet this experience, being driven to the hospital without knowing what had happened, waiting at the hospital while she was in surgery, not knowing what challenges she would have when she was out of surgery, introduced us to a level of the unknown that we had never experienced before.

    I had forgotten that Dan and I each had different thoughts about those early days.

    We could barely share our feelings with each other. We had to be strong, for each other; for Peter, our son; for Leah. I could not even allow the thought that Leah may die enter my consciousness. I couldn’t comprehend anything other than the four of us leaving the hospital together, arguing about whether we were going to get pizza or tacos for dinner.

    I wanted another chance to be a better mother for her, for me, and our family.

    I wanted it all back. And it wasn’t to be. I didn’t yet know what was going to be asked of me in the next fewdays. I often wonder if the five days in the hospital were for me and us to prepare in whatever ways we could for what we would be soon facing.

  • Emerging From Covid

    Emerging From Covid

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    I’ve been having a lot of conversations lately about how we are feeling as we emerge from the absurdity of the last year. The way we showed up in the world changed in an instant. The way we did business shifted, maybe forever. The way we socialized was distanced. From the first time I heard the term social distancing, I thought, no, that’s not what we need. We need physical distancing with social connections.

    As I think back to the early days of last year, when we first knew that our lives would be changing, yet we didn’t know how they would be changing, I was reminded of my early days of grief. And I realized that we were going to experience grief in ways we never had before.

    In my conversations about this past year, (and beyond) I’m hearing about so much grief.

    Grief about what we lost.

    Grief about the changes we experienced.

    Grief about the unknown.

    Our losses are so much more than the obvious.

    Some of us lost loved ones,

    And our losses extend into many layers of our lives.

    The way we work, the way we connect with friends and family, the way our children attend school, and so much more.

    Maybe some of the things we lost are better off gone from our lives, maybe they made space for more important endeavors.

    I think it’s important to consider what we have gained. So many questions arise as I consider these for myself.

    How have your relationships with your immediate family changed? What is different from the way it was before? What opportunities for creating a life you want to live presented themselves during this past year?

    A new understanding of what is important.

    The urgency to take a stand for those things, or make changes that align with your values.

    A greater understanding of who we are and how we want to live our lives going forward.

    We hear a lot about the “new normal”, what does that mean for you?

    Whenever you experience a major life-changing event, there is an opening to create a new life, to change the way you show up, and respond.  Where is your life calling you?

    Take some time to consider how this past year impacted you and what changes are right for you.

    And take time to grieve for your losses, honoring your feelings and making way for what is emerging.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • The Impact of Unrecognized Grief in the Workplace

    The Impact of Unrecognized Grief in the Workplace

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    On November 8, 2000 my world changed forever. That was the day that my 17 year old daughter Leah died.  My life was shattered. I had no idea how I was going to go on living without Leah’s presence in my day-to-day life. I wanted to completely isolate myself. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I tried to eat enough chocolate chip cookies to numb my feelings. I couldn’t sleep because that meant waking u to remember, yet again, that she had died.

    At the time I was working in a job I loved, one that allowed me to use my planning skills and my resourcefulness to accomplish sometimes seemingly impossible projects. I was a project manager for a Contracting Company. I returned to that job about a month after Leah died. I couldn’t concentrate. I found myself staring off into space often. My coworkers were hoping that having something to focus my attention on would help me heal.  That didn’t work, and I found out later why. Keeping busy is a myth of grief. If I kept busy and didn’t allow my feelings out, I would stay in that place of pain and isolation.

    Around this time I received this message,

    “Losing Leah is too high a price to pay to not live the life you were meant to live.”

    Those words knocked the wind out of me further.  I felt like I had been dropped in a new country without knowing the language or customs, and now I was being asked to inspire the residents of that country to save it from impending doom. How was I going to do that?

    Up until that time my feelings had been overwhelming, intense, painful, and unrelenting. Even with the diversions I felt like I was never going to find a way out of the deep pool of grief I was in.  I knew I would have to find a way to do something with those feelings. I discovered that rather than doing something with the feelings, or trying to control them; that I needed to feel them. Because they felt SO overwhelming and intense, I thought if I felt them that I would be completely destroyed. As I began to find ways to express my feelings in a safe place, I was able to concentrate more at my job. I didn’t feel as spacey. Make no mistake, the feelings were still strong, as still are sometimes today.  I was beginning to find resources to meet those feelings. I was beginning to learn the new language and adapt to the customs of the new territory I in which I found myself.

    As I traveled deeper into that territory I discovered that grief is a life long journey. We may name it as grief when we lose a loved one like I did; however we experience grief anytime we go through a life changing experience. Loss of a job, a relationship, major lifestyle changes, loss of a pet, or any time our lives don’t go the way we want them to, we experience grief.

    In 2019 The Grief Recovery Institute reported that unresolved grief has a hugeimpact on the workplace.

    The hidden costs of unresolved grief exceeds  $116 billion!

    The looked at a wide spectrum of losses, such as those I mentioned above, and at three (3) major categories, poor decision-making, lack of concentration, and safety.

    When I saw those statistics I was startled. When I first went back to work after Leah died, I certainly could have made poor decisions, and I wouldn’t have even known it. I’ve already talked about my lack of concentration. Safety is always important, and in the field I was in, safety is first and foremost every day.

    I began to wonder, what if more business leaders were aware of the impact of grief, current or unresolved on their businesses? What if there were resources available to their companies and employees to help them navigate grief and the associated issues, like higher stress levels, lack of concentration, and the inability to feel their feelings?  What if there was a new conversation around grief, and it wasn’t so taboo.

    In my work with private clients, I provide all of these resources, and I help them find meaning and purpose in their lives again. My vision is to bring this work to a larger audience. I’ll be sharing what that is going to look like, and how you can learn more about it. In the mean time, I’d love to hear from you. What are your thoughts about grief in the work place? What conversations do you think are important?

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]