My Site

Category: Self-Love

  • Navigating the Holidays after Grief

    Navigating the Holidays after Grief

    Every year when August hits I am reminded that the holidays are right around the corner.

    The holiday season can be stressful on it own without the added layers of grief.  Grief is a difficult emotion to describe because it is made up of so many other feelings such as sadness, anger, devastation, and so many more.  These feelings often show up in different intensities at different times.  What helps you cope one time may make you dissolve into tears the next.  Having some skills, or some alternative traditions to draw on when you find yourself hit by intense feelings can help you to cope with the holidays.  Here are a few that worked for me.

     

    • Take a look at your family traditions. Are there any that feel too painful?  Give yourself permission to do things differently or not at all this year.  You may feel differently next year.

     

    • A change of scenery may help. Traveling to a new destination can take you out of the too familiar that may be too painful for you.   You will still miss your loved one, and remember past holidays, however you will not be faced every day with constant associative memories that you are not ready to face, especially if your loss has been recent.  Even if your loss has not been so recent, take care of your own needs.

     

    • Self-care is especially important during times of stress.When I am feeling stress my grief lives right under the surface.  Give yourself some extra self-care this holiday season.  I suggest that you make a list of things that nourish you, or give you pleasure.  It is good to have this list handy when you do feel stressed or overwhelmed.  You can choose something from your list without having to think of what you want to do when you are already feeling stress. Naps can be great stress relievers, as can mindlessly doodling.

     

    Remember that grief changes with the seasons.  What worked this year may not work next year.  There is no right or wrong way to meet your grief, no timetable on when you will begin to heal.  Give yourself the time you need, honor your own process.  Each member of your family will process grief in their own way too.  You can let them know their way is ok, sometimes that is all that is needed, to know that however we are processing grief and wherever we are our grief journey is exactly right for us.

    That can be enough to allow us to relax a little and let the healing begin.

     

  • What Does Healing From Grief Look Like?

    What Does Healing From Grief Look Like?

    I’m often asked what it means to heal from grief.

    It’s a question I’ve pondered for over 20 years, and I’m not sure even now I know what it means.

    We hear often that “Time heals all wounds.”  Time by itself isn’t the only factor; it’s what you do with that time that makes the difference. If I broke my arm and allowed time alone to heal it, the bones would eventually knit back together.  My arm may not be very useful to me.  If I had it set in a cast, and then did physical therapy, my arm would then have a better chance of regaining full functionality.

    The same is true of grief. If we do nothing with our feelings, stuff them in a drawer and hope they go away, what we may find is they seem to get louder and more intense.  All we want is relief from the incessant overwhelming feelings, and for things to be the way they were before we experienced our loss.

    Let’s look at the dictionary definitions of healing and heal:

    Healing-Adjective

    • Curing or curative; prescribed or helping to heal
    • Growing sound, getting well, mending.

    Noun

    • The act or process of regaining health

    Heal-Verb

    • To become whole or sound, free from ailment.

     

    Looking up these definitions sent me down a rabbit hole, looking at definitions of curative, (serving to heal) mending, (an act that mends or repairs) of becoming whole, (comprising the full quantity) etc.

    Each definition provides another layer of meaning, yet none fully describes what healing from grief means to me.

    With each definition, I became more and more sure that the healing that is described in the dictionary looks nothing like what healing from deep grief looks like. The closest I can come to what healing feels like for me is this. As I began to emerge from the day-to-day fog and shock of my daughter’s death, what I describe as healing came in glimmers of hope.

     

    • A smile after I heard a song that reminded me of Leah.
    • A day that I didn’t sob all day long. In the early days I stopped wearing make-up because it was cried off my face before I got to work.
    • Being inspired to paint again after a couple of years of not wanting to get my paints out of the closet.
    • Sleeping better at night.
    • Wanting to eat nourishing food.
    • Wanting to get showered and dressed in the morning.
    • Being ready to go through her clothes and her room. (I did this with someone who did not know her, which made it easier for me)
    • Decorating for Christmas again. (this looked different every year, I’ll write more about this in specific blog about navigating the holidays.)
    • Being ready to move from the house we lived in with her. (after 7 years)
    • Wanting to bring a painful feeling to my heart because I knew it would shift. There were many years that I still avoided this, even though I knew it worked.
    • Being ready to write my book and share my story.
    • Being ready to speak about my story.

     

    I can point to these as sign posts along the way like I was reclaiming my life, even though it looked different than it did before. I didn’t experience healing as a linear journey. There were many starts and stops, and sometimes it felt like I was taking one step forward and several backwards. The common ground was continuing to see hope and light, no matter how dim, at the end of the tunnel.

    Everyone’s healing journey is unique just like everyone’s grief journey is unique. What is your experience of healing after a loss?

     

     

  • Is Self-Care Necessary?

    Is Self-Care Necessary?

    Self-care is a hot topic these days.

    Taking care of ourselves is important. One of the things I’ve discovered is that self-care is necessary for us to step fully into who we are meant to be in this world. This was an important lesson for me as I excavated the life I was meant to live over the course of my grief journey.

    I’ve had many conversations about self-care, and so many of us, myself included, think, (or used to think) that caring for ourselves is selfish, and we must take care of others to show selflessness. Yet, if we don’t take care of ourselves, we don’t have the energy to be there for others.

    That led me to do take a deeper look at self-care, how it impacts us, and how it changes as we evolve.

    Our needs may sound similar of we compare early grief and preparation for a marathon; however the specifics of each one looks very different.

    Self-care always calls for attention to what we need at the time, such as, the need for rest and sleep, the need for good food to nourish our bodies, and movement.

    When we are preparing for a marathon, our food and movement needs are much different than what we need in early grief.

    Movement in early grief helps to move our feelings through and may be gentle in nature rather than the regimented schedule required for marathon preparation.

    We may not be hungry, as we emerge from grief, yet nutritious food helps us to regain the capacity to feel our feelings. Food helps to support our bodies as we prepare for our marathon.

    In early grief sleep may be elusive, or we may sleep more than we did before, or a combination of each. Consistent sleep is important as we prepare out bodies to run a long distance.

    As you can see, self-care shifts according to where we are in our lives, and what is going on. I’ve touched on only a few of the activities we can do to take good care of ourselves. There are many more, and each person’s needs are different.

    Take some time to listen deeply to what you need emotionally, spiritually, physically, and intellectually.  Make a list of your needs in each category, and revisit it from time to time. You may discover your non-negotiable self-care rituals through this process.

    Those are the things that are a necessity for you to be the best you possible.