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Category: self-care

  • My Grief Journey Led Me to Fully Embrace Presence

    My Grief Journey Led Me to Fully Embrace Presence

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    I would not be living the life I am now without presence, and I would not have embraced presence as a daily practice without my grief journey.  

    There was a time when I couldn’t see how meeting my grief could help me to find meaning again in my life, let alone experience joy.  The first time I felt joy, I was filled with guilt.  How could I ever feel joy again when my daughter was dead?  I know this is a common experience because I often hear from clients that they feel guilt when they feel happiness or joy.  They too wonder how that could be possible when their lives have been ripped apart when their loss occurred. 

    The only way I was able to be with the devastating pain that arose after Leah died is through presence. 

    I tried other things.

     I tried numbing my pain with distraction.

    I tried eating to anaesthetize my pain.

    I tried staying busy with mindless activities.

    I isolated myself from everyone.

    I wanted to curl up under my covers and never emerge.

     All of these things have their place, and can be helpful in small doses. When we use them as our daily coping mechanisms, we can get stuck in a place that doesn’t serve us, and in my case in a place that didn’t honor my daughter.

    For me, presence is the only thing that is able to unravel the painful feelings and bring me to a place of greater understanding. A place where everything is possible.

     Samyama is a present moment awareness practice that allows me to bring all of my feelings, one at a time into my heart. 

    And it’s a practice, not a perfect. Some days it’s not as easy to quiet my mind and come into my heart, and those are the days that I bring whatever my head is spinning into my heart and let it begin to unravel the busy monkey mind.  Samyama is helpful for so many things.  I’ve come to rely on it for every decision I have to make, whether big or small.

     Here are some of the everyday uses for Samyama:

    • Bringing something, anything into your heart. This allows the heart to hold it so that it can (eventually) shift.
    • Asking a question that we’ve been pondering without receiving an answer that we can trust.
    • Learning to trust you intuition.
    • Recognizing your full body yes. (If it’s not a full body yes, it’s a no)
    • Reducing stress.
    • Learning how to get better at feeling all of our feelings. (rather than just feeling better)
    • Bringing story (the one that your head tells you over and over again) to your heart so that you can unravel it and get to the feelings underneath the story.

     I’ve learned that presence holds everything that I need, always. As I continue to be devoted to presence, I continue to deepen my understanding of what it is. It is the mystery; it is the unknown.

    I am learning how to dance with the mystery on the edge of the unknown.

    Will you join me?

     

     

     

     

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  • Beginning to Reclaim My Life

    Beginning to Reclaim My Life

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    You may be wondering if it is possible to find meaning, purpose, or even joy again in light of your loss.

    I thought the same thing. I didn’t think it was possible to live that life I was meant to live.

    As I began to process my grief with Samyama I began to notice that every time I was able to bring my feelings into my heart and allow my heart to hold them, I would receive blessings and grace, every single time.

    I began to realize that the blessings and grace were the exact gifts that I needed to continue on my journey. When I saw how powerful Samyama was at helping me to process my grief, I knew I was being called to show others what is possible too.

    Saying yes to my grief journey and engaging my difficult feelings has helped me to reclaim my life. In a way that I didn’t think was possible. I am now living the life I was meant to live. I am doing fulfilling work that I love.

    My relationships are filled with love, and laughter.

    I play more, and know how to have fun.

    Moreover, I want to have fun, and laugh, and travel.

    There was a time when I didn’t think any of this would be possible. Even when I first received the message that losing Leah is too high a price to pay to not live the life I was meant to live, I had no idea that I would be able to welcome joy back into my life.

    Grief and all of the feelings that come with it are hard, overwhelming, and scary.

    It’s counter intuitive to think that if we welcome those painful feelings that we can move through them and we can feel the rebirth of a sunrise after a long dark night.

    I get it, AND I did it anyway. What I know for sure is that we are meant to live our best lives, even in light of all of our grief and sorrows; and that when we do; we open ourselves to receiving blessings and grace beyond our wildest dreams.

    The best version of you is waiting just on the other side of the cloud engulfing your vision right now.

    The you that has always been there.

    The you that calls out to be seen in the middle of the night.

    The you that you that you are longing for.

     

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  • Learning to Play (Again)

    Learning to Play (Again)

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    As an adult, play has always been elusive.  There have been many New Year’s Days when I have set an intention to play more.

    When I talked about one of the reasons I was drawn to work with D after we moved to Maryland, I noticed that I shared that we did many fun things together.  Maybe that was one of the draws.

    I remember one time when I was trying to reconnect with play. I made a list of all of the things I loved to do as a child. The things that made me forgot time and took me to a place of pure exhilaration and joy.  I admit those times were few and far between, even as a child, yet I wanted that feeling back.

    I recognized that in order to play in this way, I needed to be present.  I began to make the connection between presence and play.

    Some of the things that took me to a place of utter joy as a child was ice skating, sledding, roller skating, ballet, coloring, (outside the lines), and swimming.  Later I enjoyed dancing, drawing, being outside, playing tennis, and cooking.

    Ice skating was the easiest thing to connect with because I did it just about every day after school in the winter. Our park had a huge ice skating rink, and I loved to skate more than anything else.  About 6 years ago I decided I wanted to ice skate again.  I was 63, and part of me was afraid that I was pushing fate to get back on skates after not doing so for a very long time.  We lived in Raleigh at the time, so I found an indoor rink, and I went ice skating again. It was exhilarating and fun!  It took me a while to feel steady on the skates, yet I did.  After that I knew that it was possible to play again.

    In my quest to have fun since then I have done ballroom dancing with Dan, stand up paddle boarding, collaging, tennis, cooking, yoga, and kayaking.

    I’ve also changed my wardrobe to be more in alignment with who I am, and I’m wearing more colors in new ways.  I’ve added purple and blue highlights to my hair. All of these things connect me back to myself, and help me to live my best life.

    My latest entry into play is Arya.  Play is her primary way to interact with the world.  It’s how she learns about her relationship to everything, And she is so eager to invite me into her world.

    Despite all of these examples, play does not come easily to me. It’s not something that comes naturally to me.  I schedule in as a part of my self-care. I used to think play needed to be spontaneous to be real play.  And if I couldn’t be spontaneous, I couldn’t play.

    I’ve decided that scheduled play is better than no play, and once I’m engaged, I and playing, it doesn’t matter if it was spontaneous or not.

    Learning to play again is one of the gifts of my grief journey.

    It I hadn’t said yes to meeting my grief the way that I did I would not have been able to feel the joy of play, my own, or my granddaughter’s.

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  • Being Arya’s Baba (Part 2)

    Being Arya’s Baba (Part 2)

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    When I look at Arya, I see a bundle of potential.

    At almost 2, she understands everything, and each day has more and more words to express her view of the world. Everything she does is in service to becoming the person her soul already know she is.  We try our best to encourage and support her becoming, while guiding her when she tests us.

    I know that each child born into this world has the same potential and the same drive to become who they are meant to be. And I wonder what would happen if each child had the support and encouragement to do just that, would they be the ones who change the world?

    And what about those of us who somehow found the tenacity to stay the course and find ourselves, do we also have a part in saving the world?  I think the answer is a resounding yes, and I’ll take it a step further to say that as we become adults we have a responsibility to be a part of the solution.

    As Arya’s Baba, I want to make the world a better place for her and the community in which she finds herself in as she grows.

    I realize this is not a simple equation, and that there are many layers of societal and cultural stuff that have been in play for a very long time.  I do think that as a part of the solution, there is also an element of the miraculous involved.  When I take responsibility for my own actions and take a stand for what is true, there is a ripple effect that joins with everyone else who is doing the same thing.  A prayer that joins hearts and becomes something greater than the sum of its parts.

    We may not see the effect of our efforts, yet they are felt far and wide by the greater consciousness, and by God, or the Universe or the Divine.  I believe they are one in the same, and that by living in alignment with my heart, soul and truth, without attachment to the effect I am having, I am in service to Love and the greatest good of the world. By living in this way I am also holding space for my own family, and especially Arya to live in alignment with their own values and Truths.

    The fact that Arya’s life intersects with mine is important, and a tremendous responsibility and honor.

    I don’t take that responsibility lightly, and I fully intend to do my part to change the world.

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  • Creating Flow and Ease

    Creating Flow and Ease

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    I mentioned in an earlier writing that I’ve heard the whispering of my longings since I was a little girl.

    I didn’t grow up in a space that encouraged me to listen to my own inner guidance.  I don’t even know if that was a part of the greater consciousness back then.  I do know that all of my life I’ve felt like I didn’t fit in.  I felt different than everyone else I met.  As a child I thought that meant that something was wrong with me.  I spent my life trying to figure out what that was, so I could be like everyone else.  It didn’t help that I grew up with a severe stutter that began when I was 8 years old.  I already knew that the stutter made me different than anyone in my classroom, as no one else had the same difficulty speaking. I spent most of my time trying not to get called on in class, and when I knew it was inevitable, I was busy running through my head alternative words for the letter sounds that gave me the most difficulty when speaking.  I was never present; I really had no concept of what it meant to be present in those days.

    And yet it was in those fleeting moments of whispered longing that I caught my first glimpse of presence, even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time.  There was a part of me that always knew that the life I am living now was possible, without even knowing what that was.

    Only by being present could my heart be heard above the stress of trying to be what I thought I was expected to be.

    I’ve recently been connecting the dots between all the times I heard my heart nudging me, letting me know that even though I was different, there was nothing wrong with me.  I remembered all of the times a younger version of myself was touched by a deeper ache to know myself, and let her take the lead.

    This was long before Leah was even a part of my life, long before I knew Dan, or thought about having children.  That strong yearning was laying the foundation for my future work.  Being different, and claiming my unique self, helped me to step into a body of work that was not a “popular” choice for an entrepreneur.  I was deeply called to do this work, and there was no decision.  I’ve often said that choosing not to follow my own grief journey in the way that I did would have been much easier that choosing to follow it. And the same is true of walking with others on their grief journeys.

    Saying yes to this calling has always felt like a choiceless choice, something that I have been preparing for my entire life, and something that is a deep and sacred honor.

    I did not look at options for what to do after corporate life and settle upon grief work as the ideal choice for a second career.  (yes, there is a little sarcasm in that last sentence)

    I’ve found that even though grief changed me, it also brought me back my true essence. Today I don’t think of myself as different, or even unique, I am merely me, the person I’ve always been.  The difference now is that I ‘ve fully stepped into the fullness of my being, and yes, I even love myself, all the parts of myself, even the parts that are not always easy to love.

    There have been many twists and turns in the course of my life that brough me from the little girl who lacked confidence, was unsure of her worth, and tried too hard to be someone she could never be, to the, woman that I am today.

    Today I get to live fully, I get to play, and connect with my family in a way that seemed elusive to me early on I my journey.  I am someone who has experienced great loss in my life, yes even the death of my teenaged daughter Leah over 21 years ago.

    What I know about how I met that grief is that I was already used to the uncomfortable and painful parts of trying to be someone I could never be.  This was different, yet is still carries the template of that experience.  When I was in early grief and feeling the deep loss of my daughter, I recognized what was necessary to first dive into that well of grief, and then come out of it with the resources I needed to continue to create a life worth living, even after the death of my daughter.

    Finding my own flow and ease was a long, hard, fought battle.

    A battle that I had to relinquish to allow the ease and flow into my life. Again, presence was fundamental to learning this lesson.  I’ve been on a journey with presence for over 25 years.  It took me a long time to learn to trust the present moment. And even after I did, there were times that I did not turn to it for one reason or another.

    As I turned more and more to presence as practice in my daily life, I learned to let go of holding on to the past, and trying to grasp the future.

    The more I became present, the more my life flowed and the more I experienced ease.

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  • Being Arya’s Baba (Part 1)

    Being Arya’s Baba (Part 1)

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    Ever since we knew we would be grandparents, our friends asked us what our grandparent name would be.  That’s something I never really contemplated for myself. If I were to be lucky enough to be a grandma, that name would be the best possible name my grandchild could call me.  Nonetheless, we played with names. Names like Grand-Dan and Grand-Nan felt playful, and in the end, we mostly referred to ourselves as Grandma and Grandpa when we were with her.

    Until she named us Baba, both of us are Baba.

    We always know which one of us she was speaking to. If only one of us is there, she would ask, “Baba?” And we all knew she wanted to know where abouts of her other Baba.  Eventually she began calling us Baba-Na and Baba-Da, and our hearts swelled even more, if that was possible.

    Being with Arya is not something I can easily describe.  I now know why my grandparent friends used to tell me that I’d never fully understand what being a grandparent really meant until I experienced it for myself. To say I’m enthralled might be heading in the right direction.  I have the luxury of time to contemplate her hair, her hands, her feet, and marvel at their wonder.

    Sitting on the floor with her looking at her books, and her listening to her A Bs and watching her grasp new concepts is an extravagance that feeds my soul.

    Opening the door and being greeted by her huge smile, and a “Hi Baba!” and not moving until I pick her up almost brings me to tears every time. Yes, I love my role in her life and in Peter and his family’s life.

    I know that I was enthralled with my own children too, yet not having the same kind of responsibilities of life makes being a Baba feel indulgent.  The time I have to contemplate her being brings me pure joy.

    Take her hair for example, I’ve spent what seems like hours meditating on her hair.

    Its color, its texture, the curls, and the way it grows out of her head.  The way new layers start growing under the top layers.

    When I gaze upon her hair, I see colors I never knew existed. If someone were to describe her hair color to me, they may say it is blondish.  Yet blond doesn’t come close to the colors I see the dancing with each other to create colors not yet named. Colors light and dark, and in-between, gossamer colors that use light as their expression.

    Yes, I am completely in love.

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  • “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

    “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”

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    What happens when your life is going along in a fine fashion, the way you envisioned your life going, no, the way you intentionally created it to be, and then something changes to seemingly spin you off the rails?

    “Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans”

    This John Lennon lyric has come to mind often in my life, and revisited again recently.

    The month of May and June 2022 have been full; full of wonderful things, yet full enough to make me step back and take a deeper look at the structure of my life.  While at first glance there was a familiar feeling to the busyness, as I took a closer look, I found that underneath it all was a sense of calm and peace.  I did not feel the panic as I wondered what wasn’t working after I had seemingly carefully considered the structure of my life. (what I used to do until I got to this stage of flow)

    For part of that time, we were supporting Peter and his family with almost fulltime child care for Arya, our almost 2-yearold granddaughter.

    During this time we also had out of town guests, we got sick, (not covid) and our support was needed in additional ways.  Throughout all of this, I was very present, I was still doing the basic things I needed to do for myself, and for our business, and I had a chance to see how the life I created was working. (!!!)

    This year has been a year of further grounding and anchoring deeply listening to myself, and staying loyal to my soul.

    As a part of the move from Raleigh to St. Paul, I not only left behind stuff that no longer was needed, I also examined my resources for my business and relinquished everything that I thought I needed, yet when I put them into practice, discovered that I didn’t.

    Things that coaches I’ve worked with told me I needed to do to be successful, that didn’t feel aligned with my Truth. Things that I thought made me a failure if I didn’t figure out how to fit them into my work. And the judgment that I sometimes felt for myself for not conforming to what others told me would be sure success.  The thing is I tried a lot of those things, and none of them worked.  Why?

    Because they weren’t aligned with my values.

    There are so many strategies, formulas, and techniques that help to create a successful business. And just like there is no one perfect diet or food choices for everyone, there is no one formula for a successful entrepreneur.

    Many coaches wanted me to turn to something other than grief as my work.  Here are some of the things I was asked, or was told.

    “What made you choose grief as a focus?”  (I didn’t choose grief, it chose me)

    “Are you sure you want that to be your message?  Not many people are comfortable talking about grief?” (I know, and it’s so needed……)

    “You talk about gifts from your grief journey, and how you are living a full life, how is that even possible after such a devastating loss? If you tell that to your potential clients, they will think you are making false statements to get a sale.” (I can only speak from my own experience, and as I traveled my own grief journey, I was receiving gifts, the very gifts that allowed me to stay on my path, and yes eventually find meaning, purpose and joy again in my life.)

    “You can’t talk about meaning and purpose you have to illustrate it in your story. It needs to be grandiose and larger than life, you need to have glitzy programs that cost a lot of money, or your potential clients won’t see the value you bring.”  (no)

    About this time, I was beginning to see that most of the advice I was receiving was not in alignment with my own values, my own experience, and my own truth.

    I got really good at discerning for myself what is a good fit for me, and sometimes took a kernel of an idea from a coach and made it my own.  Perhaps that is what they had intended all along.

    Perhaps our coaches, teachers, and mentors are in service to us to help us to learn to be ourselves, unapologetically full of vibrant life.

    That, at least for me, is the life I wanted.  And I found a couple of coaches who helped me with that discernment process and gave me permission to listen to the longings of my own true heart.  Longings that have been whispering to me for most of my life.

    I was able to tend to the inner little child victim who has been a part of my life for so many years. She wanted to know “why me?  why do I have to be the one that……”

    I found that staying there kept me in a loop of doubt, kept me from fully experiencing my own wonder that I see reflected in Arya.

    Arya makes it simple for me to love myself, when in the past it hasn’t been easy, or even possible.

    I look at her and her own love for her self and feel sad for the little girl who experienced original grief at a young age, and lost her innocence without any support to find herself again for many years.  I know that all of the inner work I’ve done, and that I do is not only for myself, it’s also for my family, and for Arya, and now she is like a guru for me.

    As I look back on this recent busy time from where I am now, I can see that the basic structures I had in place for my own self-care,  (the non-negotiable stuff that I need to fill my energy reserves) and for our business, are in place, and do work.

    Were there other things that I would have scheduled if I had the additional time, maybe, yet I know myself well enough to know that trying too hard no longer gets the job done.

    I’ve created a flow that keeps me able to auto correct my course at any given time.

     

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  • Staying and Leaving

    Staying and Leaving

    All my life I had been fearful of endings.

    Endings meant I would have to change the way I did things.

    Endings were uncomfortable. I did everything I could to hold on to things for as long as I could.

    And then Leah died, and I experienced an ending that I couldn’t undo.

    It was an ending I hadn’t prepared for. It was my most profound lesson as my grief journey progressed; learning how to say good-bye to people, places, and things that were no longer a part of my life, or that I had outgrown.

    My grief journey opened me up to what was possible when I welcomed the initiation that I wrote about in an earlier blog, and in chapter 8 of my book. It was not a lesson that I learned easily, or that I wanted to learn. It was so much easier for me to hold on to the thing than to face the feelings, and then do the work necessary to say good-bye to things that no longer served me.

    Everywhere I lived I had boxes and boxes of stuff that I couldn’t get let go.

    Everywhere I lived was cluttered as I delayed decisions to go through the piles to release old stuff.

    Saying the ultimate good-bye to my daughter caused me to come face to face with my fear of endings.

    I was called to leave a job that was no longer in alignment with who I was becoming, or the life I was meant to live. I had to take a stand for myself and risk my perception of what may happen if I left that job.

    Our perceptions of what may happen can keep us stuck for a long time. Mine sure did.

    Saying yes to the initiation of Leah’s death was not an easy task. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. And it came with huge rewards.

    During our last move I let go of Leah’s school papers and report cards. I let go of wedding dresses, and baby clothes, and so much more. As I opened all of the boxes, all of the emotions that I hadn’t faced came pouring out. The good news is I now know how to meet those emotions.

    I gained a new understanding of endings. I felt lighter when I wasn’t carrying around years and years of old outdated stuff. I found that I had made space for new and wonderful things to enter my life, and that I had more energy for them.

    Endings are sad, even if they are welcome.

    It’s in learning to honor what we are letting go of that we receive the grace necessary to move forward and open our heart and lives for what is coming next.

    Imagine the image of a closed fist. If someone handed you a beautiful gift, when your fist was closed, you wouldn’t be able to receive it.  What if you opened your hand ready to receive the gift?

    My fear of endings was similar to having a closed fist. I spent so much time with my fists clenched and my body closed in around itself that I didn’t even see what was being offered. Now I can see what life has to offer me, I meet each day with an open heart.

    What a wonderful gift.

     

     

  • Family Vacations

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    Recently we took a family vacation with our son and his family. We went to northern MN, to the boundary waters. The lake we were at was at the Canadian border. As a matter of fact, the border was in the middle of the lake.

    Here are some photos of our trip. I think they speak for themselves.

    I also know for a fact that I would not have been able to enjoy it like I did if I had not met my grief the way that I did. (Reason 7, 468 for meeting grief when it arises in you life….:)

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  • Navigating the Holidays after Grief

    Navigating the Holidays after Grief

    Every year when August hits I am reminded that the holidays are right around the corner.

    The holiday season can be stressful on it own without the added layers of grief.  Grief is a difficult emotion to describe because it is made up of so many other feelings such as sadness, anger, devastation, and so many more.  These feelings often show up in different intensities at different times.  What helps you cope one time may make you dissolve into tears the next.  Having some skills, or some alternative traditions to draw on when you find yourself hit by intense feelings can help you to cope with the holidays.  Here are a few that worked for me.

     

    • Take a look at your family traditions. Are there any that feel too painful?  Give yourself permission to do things differently or not at all this year.  You may feel differently next year.

     

    • A change of scenery may help. Traveling to a new destination can take you out of the too familiar that may be too painful for you.   You will still miss your loved one, and remember past holidays, however you will not be faced every day with constant associative memories that you are not ready to face, especially if your loss has been recent.  Even if your loss has not been so recent, take care of your own needs.

     

    • Self-care is especially important during times of stress.When I am feeling stress my grief lives right under the surface.  Give yourself some extra self-care this holiday season.  I suggest that you make a list of things that nourish you, or give you pleasure.  It is good to have this list handy when you do feel stressed or overwhelmed.  You can choose something from your list without having to think of what you want to do when you are already feeling stress. Naps can be great stress relievers, as can mindlessly doodling.

     

    Remember that grief changes with the seasons.  What worked this year may not work next year.  There is no right or wrong way to meet your grief, no timetable on when you will begin to heal.  Give yourself the time you need, honor your own process.  Each member of your family will process grief in their own way too.  You can let them know their way is ok, sometimes that is all that is needed, to know that however we are processing grief and wherever we are our grief journey is exactly right for us.

    That can be enough to allow us to relax a little and let the healing begin.