Category: Presence

The Rhythm of Time

[fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

One of the things that I often talk about is recognizing the impact that the rhythm of time has had on my grief journey.

All throughout my life, I’ve always been fascinated by how time can feel different, depending on what is going on. Maybe that’s why I was so aware of the surreal quality time took on as I traveled my grief journey.

In the very early days of my grief journey, I was aware a different rhythm to the weeks and weekends. The weeks were spent trying to get back to normal, even though it was a new normal. The weekends had more space to feelings to arise, and I was so weary from trying to go back to a semblance of normal, that all I could do is sleep. And then Monday would come again, and I the pattern would repeat, over and over until I began to slowly do the work to change this particular rhythm.

Another time that I noticed a different rhythm was around holidays and milestone days.

Sometimes it was because a particular holiday held special memories for my family. Other times it is because a holiday changes the normal rhythm of our lives anyway.

What do you notice as a holiday or milestone day approaches? Do you feel anxiety arising, and not know why? It could be because of associative memories, or it could be the shift in the way time feels around these times.

This year, I noticed a shift at Memorial Day because of memories of last year, as we were beginning to quarantine. What I’ve discovered is that each year brings different feelings depending on what has gone on the year before. That’s why it’s important to ask yourself each year as a holiday, or milestone day approaches, what you need this year. Each year may be different.

When we give ourselves the space to be present to what we need now, we are able to find it.

In the early days of my grief journey, often I found myself wishing a certain day would not come so I wouldn’t have extra time to feel those painful feelings, or I would use diversion or distraction to numb the feelings. I found that was not helpful. It did not make the feelings go away. It make them louder and more intense, and they eventually have to be felt anyway.

When you are facing a difficult milestone, or holiday, take some time to ask yourself what you need this year, now, today. Not what worked last year or even last month.

The more I sit in presence, the more I receive exactly what I need in each moment.

[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

August 2, 2021
Everything I Have Done…..

[fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

“Everything you have done until now has prepared you for what is next.”

When I heard that message shortly after Leah died, I had no idea that it meant EVERYTHING; every little thing that I have ever gone through in my entire life. I came to that realization after a week of book events in Chicago shortly after my book launched. I kept going back to experiences from my childhood. Things like the difficulties I had with some of the kids in the neighborhood, the hard time I had fitting in at school, the mixed messages I got at home, and the fact that I had a severe stutter.

I would find myself saying after remembering each memory, “Surely not this too?” And then I would receive the gift of that difficult experience; every, single, time. It became so that I stopped questioning the events of my life, I knew almost as soon as something came into my awareness what it was there to teach me how it had prepared me for what’s next.

Does this sound daunting to you?

It did to me too when I first heard the message. I wanted it to mean that only the helpful things were what I needed to prepare me for my next. Things like courses I had taken or practices that brought me joy. I wanted only the “good things” to be my helpers. If the “bad” things were also there to assist me, that would mean that I would have to pay attention to them, and I didn’t want to do that, any more than you want to do that. I came to see that “good” and “bad” are labels that we put on our experiences. Yes, some may be more pleasurable, some more difficult, but they are all there to be in service to our awakening; our saying yes to stepping into the fullness of who we are in any given moment.

One thing that helped me tremendously in navigating my “everythings” was presence. When I can be present to the feelings that arise in this moment about difficult experiences I can begin to unravel the sticky stories that my head continues to spin about those experiences. Bringing the feelings to my heart to be shifted, further understood, and eventually transmuted. This is the process that I use when I work with grief clients, and it is also the process that I use with every client who is following the breadcrumbs of their “everything” in order to reclaim their lives and live an engaged life. The life you’ve always dreamed of living.

I’m often asked to describe presence, and I can spend a lot of time talking about what it is. I’ve written a lot about it and have done several videos about it. Because presence is a direct experience practice, until you experience it for yourself, you will not really know what it is.

I am offering a Zoom call for you to experience presence. You can register here.

I will guide you in the present moment awareness practice that I teach my clients and use in my daily life. Yes, it’s helpful for grief AND for everything else. (There’s that word again!)

If you would like to experience presence for yourself and learn how you can begin to incorporate it into your daily life, I invite you to join me on Friday, April 16, 2021 at 1:00 PM Central Time.

Let me know if you have any questions.

[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

March 30, 2021
Our Journey to St. Paul

[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=”” type=”legacy”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

I took some time during the past week to do some deeper reflection on the past year and everything it brought up for me.

There is no doubt that 2020 held many difficulties for all of us. What I noticed for me is the disruption of pandemic affected me on a personal energetic level. I felt remnants of things that I thought I was done with swirling around in my face. Old childhood wounds, parts of myself that I didn’t like, voices of judgment.

In the past I may have wanted to ignore, or get rid of the uncomfortable things. This time I got curious, I had the time to get curious. For many years I had been “trying to slow down” In 2020 I actually did it, our of necessity. The message I continued to receive was that,

“Now it the time to attend to everything that has been clamoring for your attention all your life.”

That seemed like an insurmountable endeavor, and yet moment-by-moment I was able to meet everything that arose. I gained a new perspective on presence.

This moment here, and now this one.

I’ve been dancing with presence and present moment awareness for a long time. It is what I turned to early in my grief journey to help me navigate the rocky waters of grief. It is the foundation of my daily practice as well as my work with my clients. How was it possible that I had more to learn about it? And yet there was, there always is, because the present moment is always new. There have been times that I have tried to figure out how it works in my head. When that happens I struggle with the concept of what present moment is. I tell myself if I can just figure it out logically, I’ll have a much better explanation of what it is and how it works.

And while I am in that struggle, I am not being present. Huh.

This year we traveled from Raleigh, NC to Minneapolis, Minnesota in an RV to meet our granddaughter. Upon returning we decided we were being called to move to Minnesota to be closer to her and to be a part of her life. My initial thought there was that we would take about a year to do it slowly, there was a lot to do. I talked to a friend who is a stager and a couple of realtors to get a better understanding of what we had to do. It seemed even more overwhelming, and I was sure that waiting until spring of 2021 was the sane decision. And then I got present. I asked deep in my heart what was needed. I’ve been doing this a long time, and I recognize my intuition when it arises from my heart and soul. I received guidance to set up an appointment with the realtor we decided to work with. It was September 27, 2020. We thoroughly talked about the steps needed to do to get ready for an open house. She told me that she thought we could be ready for an open house on October 24^th.

My mind was waving its arms, (metaphorically!) saying things like, ”That’s less that a month away! “ “That’s impossible” Your crazy if you think you can do all that in less then a month.”

And then I heard myself say, Ok, let’s do it.

My mind was incredulous. I didn’t ignore them, I brought them into my heart, let them be heard. I found this helpful in helping those voices to calm down; they felt heard. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t doing what they told me to do. They only wanted to be heard.

On December 27, 2020 we were sitting in our new condo in St. Paul MN. We moved in on December 11^th. I can honestly say that I am not carrying any remnants of overwhelm from the activities we did to get ready to move, of buying a new condo, and of physically moving here, taking 3 days to drive over 1600 miles to snow country in the winter. My prayer of a snow and ice free move was a welcome gift.

After we moved, we spent the first week unpacking boxes and getting organized full time. We got our new home to a place of livability. We still had lots of boxes to unpack and new homes to find for our belongings, but we also made time to continue to settle in, which for me meant listening to what I need in each moment.

We explored our new neighborhood when the temperature was above 30. We found the closest entry into the skyway so we can walk when the temperatures are in the single digits. We found our neighborhood co-op and became members. We envisioned what our new life would look like, each of us writing about what we need daily, or weekly. We purchased new furniture to fit our new space and organize our books. And most importantly we saw Arya,(and Peter, Christine, & Marlowe) a lot.

We saw Peter and his family more in the last month than we did all last year. We love all the possibilities that come with living close.

About 2 years ago we began a conversation about building a tiny home in Peter’s backyard. At that time, we envisioned spending the summer months there, and at the same time spending more time with him. We talked about what that might look like, both physically and emotionally. Dan began designing tiny homes, and we talked about what we wanted in a new home, choosing a final design. We were in the process of looking at a few possibilities for the backyard project when Arya was born.

And then we met her.

After that, there was no question that we would move to Minnesota full time so we could know her, and be a part of all of their lives. That meant a change in plans. For me, a tiny home was out of the question if we would be there in the winter. We decided to revisit a dream we had early in our marriage. We found a condo in downtown St. Paul in a walk-able neighborhood. We are on the 32^ndfloor, and have a beautiful view that includes the Mississippi River, as well as sunrises and sunsets. Our condo fits our style and our simplified life.

We are adjusting to our new lifestyle. Dan retired, and is getting used to a new rhythm. I’m continuing to do my work; and listening to where I’m being called next. We’re both enjoying spending more of our days together, and exploring our new city.

All of these changes were able to happen because we were present to our feelings throughout the process.

[/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

January 13, 2021