My Site

Category: Grief

  • Anticipatory Grief – Post Surgery

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    OK, I am cheating.

    I am pre-scheduling this post to run a couple days after my surgery to talk about anticipatory grief. What is that? It is the grief that you fear is coming and that you can’t stop from happening. It is the fear that grips me now, in not knowing the outcome and what will be the result of my surgery.  It is the aftermath of the things that I will have to contend with post-surgery as I begin to heal and cope with life after prostate cancer.

    In your life you will have these moments. As your parents begin to fade in vitality and health. They will no longer be able to fully participate in their lives and you will begin to wonder, “How will I be able to handle their decline and eventually their death?”

    We, all will find anticipatory grief present in our lives. It will not just be, in the fear of death but, it will also be present in our everyday events. You have already experienced if you had a sleepless night worrying about a school test, a job interview, the closing on the new home, or that bill due at the end of the month. All these examples are little griefs that occur in our lives that we don’t recognize as grief but that fit the definition of grief.

    Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.

    From my examples, you feel conflicted about studying enough for a test, do you have the qualifications that this job is looking for, will the bank or lawyers hold up or prevent the closing on our new home or where will the money come from for that bill? These are simple recognizable examples.

    There are other occasions where we anticipate an outcome with unexpected or anticipated outcomes. How about this tiny grief? You are in traffic on the expressway, however it is not expressing. The lane next to you seems to be moving better than the one you are in, so you make your move and properly change into the faster lane only to come to a complete stop.

    Believe it or not this meets the definition of grief. A tiny one, yes. Insignificant? Well, did it have an impact on your day? Did you take your frustration out on your co-workers or your family? My point is that we do not recognize all the times when grief is present. We are not prepared when grief appears or when it is on the horizon and there is nothing we can do to change the outcome.

    We can do better at preparing for loss and its accompanying grief. We can do better at becoming more comfortable with difficult subjects. That is our mission at Being with Grief, to change the conversation around grief. When we realize that things are about to happen and as they say “Its about to go down.” Don’t shy away from the meaningful conversations, find a way to open the door to honest and authentic conversations about the important things. Find resources and turn to those experienced in what you are facing. Help is there.

       

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Navigating the Holidays after Grief

    Navigating the Holidays after Grief

    Every year when August hits I am reminded that the holidays are right around the corner.

    The holiday season can be stressful on it own without the added layers of grief.  Grief is a difficult emotion to describe because it is made up of so many other feelings such as sadness, anger, devastation, and so many more.  These feelings often show up in different intensities at different times.  What helps you cope one time may make you dissolve into tears the next.  Having some skills, or some alternative traditions to draw on when you find yourself hit by intense feelings can help you to cope with the holidays.  Here are a few that worked for me.

     

    • Take a look at your family traditions. Are there any that feel too painful?  Give yourself permission to do things differently or not at all this year.  You may feel differently next year.

     

    • A change of scenery may help. Traveling to a new destination can take you out of the too familiar that may be too painful for you.   You will still miss your loved one, and remember past holidays, however you will not be faced every day with constant associative memories that you are not ready to face, especially if your loss has been recent.  Even if your loss has not been so recent, take care of your own needs.

     

    • Self-care is especially important during times of stress.When I am feeling stress my grief lives right under the surface.  Give yourself some extra self-care this holiday season.  I suggest that you make a list of things that nourish you, or give you pleasure.  It is good to have this list handy when you do feel stressed or overwhelmed.  You can choose something from your list without having to think of what you want to do when you are already feeling stress. Naps can be great stress relievers, as can mindlessly doodling.

     

    Remember that grief changes with the seasons.  What worked this year may not work next year.  There is no right or wrong way to meet your grief, no timetable on when you will begin to heal.  Give yourself the time you need, honor your own process.  Each member of your family will process grief in their own way too.  You can let them know their way is ok, sometimes that is all that is needed, to know that however we are processing grief and wherever we are our grief journey is exactly right for us.

    That can be enough to allow us to relax a little and let the healing begin.

     

  • Grief Associated with Loss of Health

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    One of the fears that most people have as they age is the loss of health. I know this because as it has become a real life situation that I happen to be facing.   I am facing surgery in a couple of weeks and the fear and surrounding grief associated with this loss is taking a toll on me.

    I was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer.

    In my case, fear is irrational but it is present nonetheless. I have every reason to believe that the surgery will be successful and that I will live to a comfortable old age. Yet, there is fear and the doubt that comes from think all of the possible “What if’s” that creep into my mind. This is where the internet becomes a blessing and a curse. There is a lot of good information and options that are detailed in the various websites but there are also the horror stories of what people have had to live through.

    Based upon my diagnosis, the doctors say my options are chemo or surgery. Surgery being the surest form of treatment, it is the course that I have opted for. Knowing this, I have tried to prepare and to get my affairs in order. Nothing like facing surgery to make you consider your Health Care Directive. By the way, I encourage everyone to take the time to consider your estate and how you want to be treated if there needs to be decisions made regarding your health and you can’t make them yourself.

    Being aware and planning for something like surgery is much different than having an accident that causes you to be admitted and treated for injuries. When our son was born, we were involved in a head on collision with a drunk driver. Nancy was 8 1/2 months pregnant and the accident sent her into labor. I, on the other hand, was in another hospital miles away from her being treated (maybe re-constructed is a better word) for catching the engine of our import car in my lap.

    Also, there is a big difference of being hospitalized at 26 than it is being hospitalized at 66. At 26, I was optimistic about my recovery and looking forward to healing, getting back home, enjoying a growing family and building a budding career. At 66, I am happy to get up each morning, greet the new day and spend time with my grand daughter(s). Your priorities change and you begin to value time in a much different way.

    Each person grieves in their own way and letting go of what you are makes it possible to embrace what you will become. You can’t hold onto both. So I am resolved to accept that I will have a new normal and that together, Nancy and I will make our way through this unknown territory. That together we can bridge what is left behind and look for the best of what is yet to be.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • 10 Lessons I Learned from my Grief Journey

    10 Lessons I Learned from my Grief Journey

    Grief is not linear

    I used to think that I would move through each stage of grief progressively. When I completed one stage, I would move to the next, never to return again. Grief is nothing like that. It is messy and chaotic. Especially in the early days, we can be all over the place. I began to think of the stages of grief as aspects of grief. Stages to me suggested a more linear movement. I also realized that when I felt a feeling again after thinking that I was “done” with a certain stage, that when a feeling comes around again, it is a slightly different feeling.

    Everyone grieves uniquely.

    There is also no right or wrong way to grieve. This can take pressure off when we hear things like, “Aren’t you over that yet?” or “It’s time to get on with your life.”  And you may feel differently on different days, or times of the year. Listen to your own needs.  This may be difficult in the early days of grief when you are still reeling from your loss. This is a time to go slow, don’t try to do too much, be gentle with yourself.

    Grief was a doorway to transformation.

    This was a big surprise for me. I never expected to be able to live a meaningful life again after Leah died, let alone find my grief journey to be transforming. It was only after I allowed myself to feel all of my feelings that I was brought to a place off “now what?”

    Grief is nothing like I thought it was before my daughter died.

    Not because I spent time contemplating what grief would be like, I definitely did not. Yet, I remember thinking that it was not what I expected it to be. This is a good reminder that grief shows up differently at different times of our lives.

     

    I’m still the same person I’ve always been.

    Maybe even more so.  I think it’s more like grief removed all of the layers of protection I had built up so that my true self is the one who is now living the life she was meant to live.

     

    Everyone in a family has a different experience of grief, even though they are grieving the same person.

    That is because everyone has their own unique relationship with their loved one. In my own experience, my husband, son and I each had to meet our own grief before we could be of any help to each other on our grief journey. Grief brings up a lot of stuff, feelings, regrets, things we wished we could have said or done. Each of us had our stuff to work through.

    No one likes to talk about grief.

    Not even me, ok, maybe that’s not completely true, I talk about grief a lot, and I’m more comfortable talking about it now than when grief was new and raw. We don’t want to be vulnerable. Talking about our grief makes us vulnerable.  That’s why it’s important to find a safe space with someone you trust before you delve into those difficult and painful feelings.

    Grief is a Life-long Journey.

    We often think that grief arises only when we lose a loved one. Maybe you’ve discovered, as I did, that grief visits us many times throughout the course of our lives. Anytime we experience a loss, we experience grief. The loss of a pet, a job, a friend who moves away, the loss of our health, a relationship or divorce, the loss of a dream. These are just a few of the life experiences that we may go through. When we don’t recognize them as grief, they can stay underground and wreak havoc on our health, physical and emotional.

    My grief journey brings many gifts.

    This is one that had me scratching my head for a while. How could grief bring gifts? And who was I to deserve a gift after my daughter died? That was when I still believed at some level that it was my fault, and that not being deserving of gifts was a way to be punished for not keeping her safe. The gifts began arriving when I was able to bring a feeling into my heart. As my heart shifted the feeling, I would receive and insight, as well as a miraculous gift. A phone call from one of Leah’s friend telling us something about our daughter that we didn’t know. A random meeting with Leah’s favorite teacher. A lilac in my mailbox when there was not lilac bush in our neighborhood. Eventually I began view these gifts as blessings and grace, exactly what I needed to continue on my path.

    Distraction and diversion will not make my feelings go away.

    Our first response to the overwhelming intense feelings of grief is to push them away, or use a diversion or distraction like food, or TV to take our mind off of our feelings. While these can be helpful, eventually they stop working.

     

  • Friendship Grief

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    Some friendships are meant to last a lifetime while some blossom beautifully and fade. There is grief associated with each of these types of friendships. What does it mean to be a friend? How can you tell a long term from a short term friendship.

    I hope that everyone has a friendship or two that time never seems to touch.

    A lifetime friendship is the kind of relationship that allows for a break of a week, a year or a decade but brings you right back to the same comfortable feeling of knowing that this friendship endures.

    The likes and dislikes may change, as even more substantial changes are bound to occur.

    When time has passed and life intervenes in ways that you can’t imagine, friendship endures. There is no expiration date no matter the circumstance. Maybe, it is a spouses death or a divorce but in essence you still connect and find comfort in being accepted for who you are. Your relationship to the other isn’t altered by the facts and you can stand authentically in your own skin with the scars and bruises both physical and emotional. If you have basked in the feeling of knowing a true lifelong friend then you have been blessed.

    The other type of friendship is a different type of blessing.

    These shorter term friendships have a different texture and feeling to them. It may start as a physical attraction. An immediate like of some characteristic or physical attribute. It may be a colleague at work who you admire for their work ethic or a particular ability. It can start as simply that they notice you and give you their attention. We all want to be recognized. It is built into our makeup that we want to shine brightly and be recognized. From these early indicators, a friendship may blossom, finding time to spend together and share some of ourselves. But being short term there seems to be a limit on what this type of friendship olds. It may be limited by a set time period, the length of a job or a semester in school. A friendship can end for any number of reasons. Moving to a new location, a breakup, new job opportunities or it may culminate in a type of lesson that we learn from and add to our life lessons.

    So how do we grieve these friendships and why are they different? Long tern friendships are only limited by, time distance or death. There isn’t a limit and it will always “just Be.”  However, I have had many friendships that have run their course. Some for the reasons I mentioned, we moved, a job ended or I learned that the friendship in some way did not serve to make me more aware of my authentic self. When this lesson arose there was no choice but to allow the friendship to fade. Over the last year or five this may have been a lesson for you. Did a friendship fade because of health concerns, political or religious beliefs that somehow conflicted with what resonated for you?

    There is such anger and mistrust in the world over concepts and beliefs that it may seem that we will never find common ground or a path forward together. There is grief present in these situations. There are uncommunicated messages that hold us back from showing understanding, from being authentic and we end up turning away. I am reminded of the Pink Floyd song, “On the Turning Away” with hope in my heart.

    “…No more turning away from the coldness inside

    Just a world that we all must share

    It’s not enough just to stand and stare

    Is it only a dream that there’ll be

    No more turning away.”

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • What’s a Death Cafe?

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    What’s a Death Cafe?

    Another format for having those heart to heart conversations that are difficult to start can occur in the most unlikely places. There is another organization that we are affiliated with that has a funny name but does a great community service. Death Cafe seems like an unlikely name for almost anything, but how about a place serving up real information about death and everything that goes along with it?

    In another attempt to reach out to people, we came across this organization that was in the Raleigh, North Carolina area. In fact, it was started in England as a place to share information about options and resources available to the public. Things that you might know about or think about until the death of a loved one is right on top of you. That is not the best time to make decisions and so born out of the intention to provide valuable information, Death Cafe was started.

    Seems like a practical yet unconventional idea. Share what you have learned about the facts of dying? We are all going to do it one day.  So, let’s get the mystery out of it and talk with experts who have become familiar with the process.

    This included many experts from a variety of fields who attend including: funeral directors, estate planners, medicare advisors, nurses, advocates for alternative burial methods, hospice workers, death doula’s and grief support folks like us. The attendees are from all walks of life and all ages. Some looking into alternative means, some offering niche ideas and some who have recently experienced a death in the family and are looking for comfort and a place to talk about their loved one. 

    At the Raleigh, Death Cafe held at the Renaissance Funeral Home on Six Folks Road. This family business hosts the monthly meeting opening their doors for the conversations. 40-50 people will regularly attend depending on the monthly topic or featured speaker. Over the years it has become a community for people in the industry to gather and offer support to one another. Some months their will be a featured film or documentary to watch then a discussion will follow.

    One of the best features of this particular group is that they don’t take the subject of death with formality and stuffiness. These are real people that are not trying to sell you anything, are there because they want you to make informed decisions and have a wealth of knowledge to share. Keeping the flow light and lively can be a challenge when you are in the middle of a grief situation. Being mindful and respectful always goes along way to making everyone feel comfortable.

    There are Death Cafes across the united states and while each is probably unique in the way they present their material the idea goes a very long way to make certain that people have the information they need to make informed decisions and have the resource they need before they are confronted with decisions they are not prepared for. If you hesitate to explore this topic, you may be missing out on an interesting discussion and a chance to meet people that have dedicated their own time to making the process of death more understandable, relatable and less mysterious.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Being with Grief – MeetUp Group

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    One of our early attempts at providing grief support out to the community was to use MeetUp. MeetUp is an online community that intends to gather like minded people together for a common activity. In our case, to create a community gathering where it would be ok to talk about grief.  MeetUp seemed like the answer to get people talking about this important subject.

    In 2015, Nancy incorporated and registered Being with Grief as a business in North Carolina. We thought that MeetUp would help us get out the message that there was an alternative to traditional therapy. That talking to a couple who had had an unimaginable loss might seem more approachable for people. We felt it would meet a community need and it seemed to us as an obvious niche that we were ready to tackle.

    After all we had stumbled after our own grief almost overwhelmed us.

    We were not aware of the available resources and were not open to traditional therapy. We had evolved in our thinking and our practice to a place where we could talk through our pain. Our company was Being with grief and we were comfortable in holding everything we had experienced as part of our personal healing.

    Making a place for people to feel safe talking about their loss seemed like a no brainer. MeetUp provided a forum for people looking for help. An app that people were getting familiar with that made collaboration and sharing information easy. It seemed like a great match.

    What we failed to realize was just how reluctant people are to opening up about grief. It is difficult sharing sadness that can accompany significant loss. This reluctance is tied to many of the things we learned growing up observing our parents and how they grieved. This learned observations condition us with expectations on how we will react to similar situations.

    I can’t ever remember seeing my father cry or be sad. As an army sergeant he was always on point and never showed emotion. He had a great sense of humor and a short fuse when it came to tolerating our failures or misbehaviors. He wasn’t raised that way. I learned to keep my emotions in check because of what I observed. I have come to realize that this conditioning must be one of the reasons that clients and people in general find it so difficult to open up with others.

    We kept the MeetUp group going for better than 3 years.

    We met in convenient places, the library, and several senior living facilities that opened their common rooms for our use. Over that time we served over a dozen people who showed up to the bi-monthly meetings that we held. What was frustrating for us was that the MeetUp app registered over 200 people expressing interest in a grief group. We held our meetings on weekends and maybe that a time when most people wanted to relax from a work week of had chores to do. Self-care and taking care of those chores are important. A healthy psyche and emotional well-being when you are grieving is also too important to overlook. Nancy and I continue to offer help to those who have felt the brokenness of grief. Our approach is to change the conversation around grief and we look forward to those heart to heart talks.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • Patience

    [fusion_builder_container type=”flex” hundred_percent=”no” equal_height_columns=”no” menu_anchor=”” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” class=”” id=”” background_color=”” background_image=”” background_position=”center center” background_repeat=”no-repeat” fade=”no” background_parallax=”none” parallax_speed=”0.3″ video_mp4=”” video_webm=”” video_ogv=”” video_url=”” video_aspect_ratio=”16:9″ video_loop=”yes” video_mute=”yes” overlay_color=”” video_preview_image=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” padding_top=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” padding_right=””][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ layout=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” border_position=”all” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding_top=”” padding_right=”” padding_bottom=”” padding_left=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”small-visibility,medium-visibility,large-visibility” center_content=”no” last=”true” min_height=”” hover_type=”none” link=”” border_sizes_top=”” border_sizes_bottom=”” border_sizes_left=”” border_sizes_right=”” first=”true”][fusion_text]

    I know that “Patience” is difficult for me. While I try to make the best of things, sometimes it is just not easy. As I count down the days to a surgical procedure, my mind wanders to all the “what if’s” and begins to spin into chaos. Thankfully, I have some tools to use to get me out of the hamster wheel of doubt and fear.

    “Patience is calmly dealing with a difficult or frustrating situation.”

    “Patience is a purposeful activity. When working on patience it is helpful to start with self-reflection.” How do you prompt yourself to be patient? A tool that I use is meditation. My wife and I sit each morning to focus on being present and the promise that the day holds.  I check in with where I am feeling impatience.

    What makes you feel impatient? It may help to make a list of things that cause you to recognize when you are feeling out of patience. When we try to be in control and change an outcome it can cause the discomfort of impatience. Often the solution is to change your mindset about the situation.

    Here are some common signs of impatience:

    Muscle tension

    Shallow breathing

    Hand clenching

    Restless feet

    Irritability or anger

    Anxiety

    Nervousness

    Making snap decisions

    When grief enters your life, you may feel the need to be in control of an uncontrollable situation. Patience at this time is very difficult to accomplish. Grief can manifest in many forms like impatience, confusion, depression and many other symptoms that need our attention. Developing the necessary tools to recognize and manage these stressors can be helpful in dealing with grief. That certainly is the case with the need to feel in control when we want something to be different from the way it is it.

    Why is patience such a challenge for most of us?

    Being in control is often a trick we play on ourselves in our attempt to bring order to chaos. It can dearly cost you if you constantly try to tie yourself up with controlling every aspect of your life. It can lead to deeper health issues and affect our self image. Whenever we try to change and exert control it can lead to anxiety.

    Anxiety is classified as a mental health disorder especially when it involves high levels of fear and worry. Generally, the feelings that occur affect behavior and emotions which may also cause visible physical symptoms these can include:

    Avoiding social gatherings – Isolating

    Sweaty palms, dry mouth racing pulse

    Restlessness

    Irritability

    Trouble falling asleep

    Staying awake

    Panic attacks

    Fatigue or tiredness

    Concentration issues

    Many of these same symptoms are associated with grief. When I was in the middle of my grief  over my daughter’s death, I had many of these ailments. What I learned from the Grief Recovery Method is that grief is about our uncommunicated feelings. When we take responsibility for them we can begin to alleviate the symptoms because we are engaging with our feelings rather than turning away and denying them. Taking small correct steps can make the difference. Talking about your feelings to someone can begin the process and set you on your own road to recovery.

    [/fusion_text][/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

  • What Does Healing From Grief Look Like?

    What Does Healing From Grief Look Like?

    I’m often asked what it means to heal from grief.

    It’s a question I’ve pondered for over 20 years, and I’m not sure even now I know what it means.

    We hear often that “Time heals all wounds.”  Time by itself isn’t the only factor; it’s what you do with that time that makes the difference. If I broke my arm and allowed time alone to heal it, the bones would eventually knit back together.  My arm may not be very useful to me.  If I had it set in a cast, and then did physical therapy, my arm would then have a better chance of regaining full functionality.

    The same is true of grief. If we do nothing with our feelings, stuff them in a drawer and hope they go away, what we may find is they seem to get louder and more intense.  All we want is relief from the incessant overwhelming feelings, and for things to be the way they were before we experienced our loss.

    Let’s look at the dictionary definitions of healing and heal:

    Healing-Adjective

    • Curing or curative; prescribed or helping to heal
    • Growing sound, getting well, mending.

    Noun

    • The act or process of regaining health

    Heal-Verb

    • To become whole or sound, free from ailment.

     

    Looking up these definitions sent me down a rabbit hole, looking at definitions of curative, (serving to heal) mending, (an act that mends or repairs) of becoming whole, (comprising the full quantity) etc.

    Each definition provides another layer of meaning, yet none fully describes what healing from grief means to me.

    With each definition, I became more and more sure that the healing that is described in the dictionary looks nothing like what healing from deep grief looks like. The closest I can come to what healing feels like for me is this. As I began to emerge from the day-to-day fog and shock of my daughter’s death, what I describe as healing came in glimmers of hope.

     

    • A smile after I heard a song that reminded me of Leah.
    • A day that I didn’t sob all day long. In the early days I stopped wearing make-up because it was cried off my face before I got to work.
    • Being inspired to paint again after a couple of years of not wanting to get my paints out of the closet.
    • Sleeping better at night.
    • Wanting to eat nourishing food.
    • Wanting to get showered and dressed in the morning.
    • Being ready to go through her clothes and her room. (I did this with someone who did not know her, which made it easier for me)
    • Decorating for Christmas again. (this looked different every year, I’ll write more about this in specific blog about navigating the holidays.)
    • Being ready to move from the house we lived in with her. (after 7 years)
    • Wanting to bring a painful feeling to my heart because I knew it would shift. There were many years that I still avoided this, even though I knew it worked.
    • Being ready to write my book and share my story.
    • Being ready to speak about my story.

     

    I can point to these as sign posts along the way like I was reclaiming my life, even though it looked different than it did before. I didn’t experience healing as a linear journey. There were many starts and stops, and sometimes it felt like I was taking one step forward and several backwards. The common ground was continuing to see hope and light, no matter how dim, at the end of the tunnel.

    Everyone’s healing journey is unique just like everyone’s grief journey is unique. What is your experience of healing after a loss?

     

     

  • What Inspires Me?

    What Inspires Me?

    When I saw this question as a prompt my first thought was,

    “No one will be interested in that.”

    Then I realized that quite often, my first thought is an attempt to avoid a place that feels too vulnerable.  I wondered why I felt vulnerable writing about what inspires me.

    My biggest inspiration is my family, especially Dan, my husband, Peter, my son, Leah, my daughter, and Arya, my granddaughter. Arya is the newest member of that list at little over 1 year old, and I wanted to go right to her because she is such a delight. I love watching her discover things about her world. I love her unabashed trust in all of us who love her.

    I want to recapture some of her pure delight for myself.

    I would not be able to appreciate her the way I do without the inspiration of Dan, Peter, and Leah, so before I continue my reflections of Arya, I will start with them.

    Dan inspired me from the day I met him. He was the first person who really saw me for who I was, even though it would be many years before I saw myself that way. He was instrumental in helping me to meet that person and grow to appreciate her, and then to love her. He always gave me unconditional love at a time when it was not apparent in my life. He helped me learn to trust myself, and relax into the person I am meant to be. He opened up the door of possibilities before I even knew that there was a door.

    As my firstborn child, Peter inspired me to be a better person, and a better mother than I ever thought possible. The sight of this tiny human that blessed our lives over 40 years ago made me appreciate child-like joy through play and discovery.

    He inspired me to find play again in my own life.

    Leah inspired me to take a stand for myself when I sought a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) birth. Peter’s birth was a C-section due to complications from a car accident. I wanted a different birth experience with Leah. We educated ourselves about VBAC, and were successful.  Leah also inspired me by the way she lived her life. (Although I didn’t see it at the time!) She was intense from day one, and always fought for what she wanted.  I later thought that maybe this was because she would be here for such a short time.

    She also inspires me to live the life I was meant to live, in order to honor her life since she’s been gone.

    My family inspired me throughout my life to follow my own path, and to do my inner work, so that I could provide an environment for them to do the same.

    Back to Arya.  I know in my heart that if I had not done my own work, the work involved in creating a family that thrives, and the work from my grief journey that I would not have been able to be fully present to the wonder of my granddaughter. I do not have layers of protection around my heart from suppressing my feelings during my life. I learned how to feel all of my feelings, so my heart is open, and from that place I can appreciate my granddaughter with a completely open heart.

    The humans that I love the most inspired me to live my best life, to meet the difficulties of my life with grace, to be vulnerable. So there you have it. We don’t like to be vulnerable, and yet that’s what makes us open to love and a worthwhile life.

    I am inspired to be vulnerable.  I’ll take it!