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We marked the 20-year anniversary of Leah’s death earlier this month.
20 years.
That fact is enough to stop me in my tracks. 20 years is a long time.
That’s what I thought when I first began to mark 20-year milestones; 20 years since I graduated grade school and high school, my 20-year wedding anniversary, 20-years since my mom died, and my dad, and so many more. Those milestones now have many more years added to the time that has past.
The week leading up to this anniversary was intense. We were in negotiations with both the selling of our home in Raleigh, and the purchase of our new home in St. Paul, MN. We’re packing and doing all the things necessary to ensure an organized move.
Dan retired after a 41-year career.
It was election week.
Mercury was going direct.
With all of these activities swirling around in my world, I turned to presence like never before. The only thing that kept me grounded was to breathe deeply, come into my heart, listen deeply to the guidance I always receive there, and act (or not act) from a place of Divine Wisdom. I was guided more often than not to just be. That seemed counter intuitive to me in light of everything clamoring to get done, and yet it was exactly the right guidance.
Each time I tried to write about what was happening, nothing came. I chided myself for not following through on my commitment to share my experience of going through this time. And each time the message was clear, not now.
If I wait until I am the perfect weight, then I can wear cool clothes, or …..(this has changed throughout the years depending on the circumstance)
When I retire, then I’ll have time to dance or paint, or write poetry.
When I get my life in order, then I’ll be able to be a better partner, or mother, or friend.
When I have more time, then I’ll tend to my grief.
Grieving is an active pursuit. Even allowing my feelings to be here as they are is an active choice.
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