Presence and My Twists and Turns

As I began to write this blog, I was going to say that presence had many twists and turns.  What is more true is that my journey with presence and was the thing that was circuitous.

Often, I would rely on my head to explain presence to me.

I was used to depending on my head for just about everything I did in my life up until then.  I would analyze and turn things over in my head endlessly, never really trusting the answer that I received.

When Samyama seemed elusive, I would spend time trying to explain it so that my head could understand the mechanics of it. Thinking that if I could only get my head on board, Samyama would flow effortlessly.  Each time I did this, it wasn’t until I returned to my heart that I would once again remember that it was my heart, not my head that understood the present moment. And that understanding came without needing to know why or how it worked.

Whenever I asked for guidance in my personal life, the answer I always received was “Be present.”

It took a long time before I could fully trust that guidance. At some level it was something I already knew, and on another level I was filled with terror to trust the present moment.  I thought I would freeze and not know what to do, or how to respond.

I was already trusting presence in my work as a Samyama facilitator.  When I work with a client, I implicitely trust the guidance that comes through my heart in each moment.  That skill was honed during my apprenticeship.

Part of my journey has been learning the role that my childhood wounds had in the terror response I felt when I was called to be present. I had to unravel those old stories, the ones that had me freezing up in school when I didn’t know an answer to a question, or when someone asked me a question and I couldn’t easily find an answer. Or when I knew I would stutter when I spoke.

I attribute my daily Samyama practice with helping me to do just that. I learned that I could always trust my heart to give me an answer.  Always, it never failed me.

Recently I’ve been called to be even more present, to rely on this present moment for all of my needs. I was scheduled to do a 5-minute speech for a mastermind that I am a part of.  Each time I started to plan the talk, I would not receive any insight, and the “Be present” message would arise. I finally decided to listen to that message, and the speech went great. I had the work=ds I needed when I needed them. I was cohesive and clear. And I got great feedback.

My soul was smiling the whole while I was peaking, and as I received my feedback.

This is one of the many examples of how presence serves me when I trust it completely.